Thought I'd be better at not letting her get to me

[Flora and Fauna]

This isn't my first post, but for reasons unknown I had to list myself as though I were a new member to post.

So...I wish I were more thick-skinned, re: my 19 year DD with BPD.

The hard part for me, is when she's very cold towards me. I try to not take it personally. It's jarring that sometimes she can be fun and friendly and talkative, and other times, even the very next day, she seems to loathe me. The high school years were awful in some spots. She actively disliked me for long periods of time. It was baffling since she wouldn't really "allow" me to talk to her...so it wasn't like we were having unpleasant interactions...she basically ignored me for big chunks of time.

My husband and I had to learn to just leave her alone...don't expect pleasantries or affection. I learned to not let her know that I was hurting, because she (during those times) had no empathy. I remember breaking down in front of her, after a time when she just eviscerated me with her words...and she just couldn't have cared less. It was like there was nothing behind her eyes, as she watched me cry (I actually don't cry easily...at least, I didn't used to cry easily).
You'd never know that I'm a former Army officer, sigh.

Then other times, she was thoughtful, apologetic, sweet...and I'd be so thrown. It wasn't in an obvious way...like being nice to "get" something from me...she was just nice, and upbeat...making it harder the next time, when she seemed to barely be able to tolerate me again. She's fun and bubbly with her friends...and well-liked, on a consistent basis. I'd give almost anything to feel that warmth, consistently from her. Her friends apparently like my humor...and even though she actively ignores or tries not to engage with me...on occasion it's as if she uses my humor and friendliness as a type of "currency"...as if those things about me - make her look good in front of her friends perhaps? Almost like I was a comedian, who she wanted to perform on demand. I'd try to say something witty or be funny on demand, just to have the interaction with her. Feels pitiful to admit.

Fast forward to now: She's a sophomore in college, which is pretty amazing since her past includes several hospital stays and she struggles with self-harm. Got a scholarship to an Arts college...she seems to be where she should be, and has artistic talents. She's two hours from home...has a private dorm room and was allowed to bring her cat. Pretty amazing.

She seemed okay when she first came home on Christmas break, but things went downhill: she wouldn't go with us to see her grandmother/my mother on Christmas Eve. Mom is 100, and still lives in her own home, on her own. She loves my daughter, and they had lots of laughs when daughter was younger. Daughter announced she wouldn't be coming...I think she's struggling with Christmas being different...and in essence taking it out on us...or better said, she's withdrawing from us. Her favorite aunt died just days before Christmas last year, and my mom, who used to cook Christmas Christmas dinner well into her nineties (we couldn't get her to stop!) can certainly no longer cook like that anymore.  I tried to compensate, think of other fun traditions we can start, but DD can't seem to allow any change...and I certainly can't stop life from happening or the heartbreak of losing loved-ones. Sometimes I feel badly that she's an only child, it feels like my husband and I aren't enough for her...? I try to think of things to do ...she loves the theater, and I have great seats to Wicked in a few weeks. We went to NY to see Hamilton when she was in high school...I always get an "extra" ticket for her to bring a friend..things like that.

On Christmas day: aside from coming downstairs to open gifts with us, she retreated to her room and wouldn't come out...even for dinner...so we had Christmas dinner without her. That sucked. I try to keep in mind that change is hard for her...and Christmas HAS changed since my sister passed away (daughter loved her), and this is the first Christmas without her...but even so, It's challenging to work to validate her feelings, when I'm struggling with the changes as well.

Anyway sorry to ramble...I just wonder how to try and navigate through all of this. I've learned not to press, or be "desperate" or let her know that I yearn for her attention, and that I want to goodness...I want her to just like me. It's hard to love someone so much, who seemingly hates you at times, and seems to resent the air you breathe. It's hard to see other young people be affectionate and funny and friendly to their parents, and to only experience that on rare occasions, in our home. I wish I could just accept that this is it...but it just hurts.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hey Flora and Fauna, thanks for coming back to share how Christmas went for you.

These parts of your post stuck with me:

On Christmas day: aside from coming downstairs to open gifts with us, she retreated to her room and wouldn't come out...even for dinner...so we had Christmas dinner without her. That sucked. I try to keep in mind that change is hard for her...and Christmas HAS changed since my sister passed away (daughter loved her), and this is the first Christmas without her...but even so, It's challenging to work to validate her feelings, when I'm struggling with the changes as well.

Anyway sorry to ramble...I just wonder how to try and navigate through all of this. I've learned not to press, or be "desperate" or let her know that I yearn for her attention, and that I want to goodness...I want her to just like me. It's hard to love someone so much, who seemingly hates you at times, and seems to resent the air you breathe. It's hard to see other young people be affectionate and funny and friendly to their parents, and to only experience that on rare occasions, in our home. I wish I could just accept that this is it...but it just hurts.

That must have taken some strength to have Christmas dinner without her, as you respected her adult choice to go back to her room. You showed that your lives wouldn't be hostage to her moods. I hope that deep down she knows she can rely on you to be a solid foundation, that you aren't just one more person tossed to and fro by her emotions. It just makes a lot of sense that you would respect that she was doing the best she could, and the best she could looked like being alone at that time.

The easing up on "desperation" seems to be a theme across these boards. pwBPD seem to not do well when others are having intense emotions. Again, I hope that your D19 can sense your strength and reliability.

I also want to comment that I remember being 19 and even without BPD, I was just... really into myself and my own experience. I remember my mom having a serious talk with my siblings and I about our family history. At the end she asked how we were feeling, and I said "I really miss my boyfriend"  not my finest moment, but that was me doing the best I could. I couldn't really handle the intensity and I brought it back to Me, My needs, My current feelings, etc. It's possible that some of what your D19 is doing is "normal" 19 year old stuff -- like the retreating to her room. It isn't very mature, but 19 year olds are pretty immature -- been there done that.

Loving a family member when they have BPD (or when someone else is involved who has BPD -- my H's kids' mom has many traits) can be excruciating. It's the long haul for sure. Reading what you wrote reminded me of a book title -- we have a review of "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder" on the site. Have you already checked it out?

Hope you had some peaceful moments lately.

-kells76

[Flora and Fauna]

Thank you for your perspective and kind words.  You even had me chuckle at the story you related of when you were 19. I haven't read the book you recommended and I will check it out. I remember immersing myself in whatever I could find when DD was first diagnosed...and it will do me some good to brush up again.

I re-read what you wrote, and took a look at what others have recently posted, and those responses. I am so humbled and grateful for this site. Thank you again, and thank goodness we have a safe place to vent and learn.

I'm happy to say that we have had some peaceful moments since Christmas and have even shared some laughs. Hoping for an "uneventful" remainder of her time at home, during her college break.