Continue relationship with dad of two kids whose biomom is uBPD?

[PossibleFuturwSM]

I’m dating a great guy with kids ages 10 and 12. He is 1.5 years into an ongoing divorce from uBPD biomom. I haven’t met the kids, but they seem great. I have an adult daughter, and I’m excited about the possibility of being a stepmom.
His ex (uBPD biomom) has claimed abuse and called police many times. Luckily a camera on his property kept my boyfriend from being arrested. She was arrested and lost custody of the kids for a few months. She’s dragging out the divorce. BPD is new to me. I’ve been reading here and have become concerned about how hard it will be to be a good partner and stepmother when the uBPD biomom seems so unhinged and vindictive.
I’m here to ask if you were in a similar situation and had this information this soon into a relationship, would you end the relationship with the great guy?

[kells76]

Hello PossibleFuturwSM, welcome to the group 

You found a good place to think through what you want in a relationship and in your life. Many stepmoms here can share their thoughts and experiences with you, to help you decide. I'm one of those stepmoms; my H and I have been married almost 10 years and together for almost 12. The kids were just-turned-6 and almost-4 when we got together, and are now 14 & almost-17. So, it's been quite a while!

My H's kids' mom has many BPD type traits -- blaming, not taking responsibility, rehashing the past, badmouthing him to the kids, allegations of "emotional abuse", twisting words/what was said, etc. She never escalated to police, though in a way, I almost wish she had -- just to have someone else see how not in touch with reality she could be. After the divorce, she quickly married my H's former best friend, who has many NPD type traits. That dynamic (BPD + NPD traits and behaviors) has been very hard for us to stand up to.

At the time of the divorce, H thought that even though he and the kids' mom couldn't be married successfully, of course that wouldn't translate to coparenting, and he believed they could set aside differences for the kids. So the original "parenting plan" just said "H can be with the kids whenever he's not at work". He let Mom have full custody (in our state it isn't separated between physical/legal), again believing it didn't really matter on paper, because she'd be able to coparent fairly.

It has been very challenging since then, as her sense of entitlement, and inability to see the kids as different from herself, and her desire to make H pay, have intertwined with her uNPDh's desire to replace H in the kids' lives.

We have had to work extra hard to build some non-intuitive parenting and communication skills, to counter the narratives coming from Mom's house. It is tricky to find times to just "relax and be me" with the kids, as I'm often on high alert listening for "Mom's drama" behind the kids' words, and feeling a need to be ready to be validating, nonreactive, supportive, and an active listener.

I would not call it easy to stepparent when the kids' other parent has PD type behaviors. It has definitely taken a toll on the relationship between me and H. We have a marriage counselor we've seen for almost 10 years, and I added an individual counselor over a year ago. We are still working through some difficult stuff. It can be legitimately traumatizing to stepparent.

That's the nutshell version  ! All that being said, we have really good times, too; it's been a gift to be able to support the kids in their interests and watch them grow. We have made our own traditions and discovered new cool things we all love to do together. There is sometimes a kind of freedom that comes as a stepparent, where you can let go of the "disciplinarian" role and instead focus on listening, validation, and just keeping the kids talking.

So, with that out of the way...

how long have you and he been together?

have you met the kids yet?

what's the custody situation right now?

does your H have a lawyer?

where does everyone live? same town? far apart?

...

Some stress in the relationship can come from nebulous custody/parenting time issues. It may be a more manageable relationship if custody/PT is very locked down and very specific, so that there are real, enforceable boundaries/consequences on Mom. If things are more loosey-goosey, you may be in for many years of stress, ambiguity, and financial challenges.

So, to answer your question

if you were in a similar situation and had this information this soon into a relationship, would you end the relationship with the great guy?

hmmm... looking back on me in my 20s, when I met my H, yes I knew he was divorced, but no I didn't know about the high conflict, and even as it unrolled, it was still confusing. I didn't have this site right at the start -- but you do now. And, you know how it is, you meet someone, there's chemistry  ... for me, it was so easy not to give weight to the dysfunctional stuff. I was in love and I didn't know about BPD! To my credit in the past, though, I did know that dating a guy with kids was no joke and nothing to mess around with -- you're in or out, for the kids' sake. So if I had info about BPD and the BPD/NPD dynamic, and what was in store... it would have been harder for me to commit, and I may have more seriously considered calling things off before meeting the kids.

As you have an adult child, I'm guessing you're older now than I was then, and you're looking to make some wise choices before getting more serious. Smart move. This is a really good place to work through those options. Write back whenever works for you -- I'm looking forward to hearing more about your situation.

-kells76

[ForeverDad]

Kells76 and other here have lived what you're pondering and I'll leave it to them to share directly.  Indirectly I have some thoughts.  (I went through a two year divorce and can vouch that courts often are reluctant to step in and fix the obvious conflicts.  And when they make changes to orders, they're often small adjustments.  Which is why I was in and out of family court for 6 more years until I had a court order that worked - and I finally walked away with full guardianship and majority time.)

The obvious risk is that his ex's conflict probably will continue for up to 7 or 8 years until the boys attain adulthood, yet there may still be contact at holidays, graduations, weddings and anniversaries.

A huge consideration as to whether to continue your relationship is your BF's attitude toward the past.  He will need to set and maintain firm Boundaries.  Plus...

• Will he ignore the past and fail to stand up for himself and the kids?  He and they will need strong boundaries - forevermore - since the mother's antics will likely never let up.
• What is the current temporary order like?  He cannot sit back and let the ex and lawyers paper over or pooh-pooh the ex's dysfunction and obstructions.  Does he have as much custody and parenting time as possible?  Settling for supposedly equal 50/50 won't work.  If he can't walk out with custody and majority time than he should seek the equivalent of Decision Making or Tie Breaker status.  Things like that are Leverage for the sure-to-come future conflicts.
• Are the boys in meaningful counseling?  (And is he?)  I recall my lawyer telling me, "Courts love counseling!"  Of course, counseling may not help much if it's the mother choosing clueless, inexperienced or gullible professionals.  He has to vet the counselors.
• Another aspect of custody that he should seek is to have school responsibility.  In my state it is "parent responsible for school".  He should be the contact for school.  And an even better aspect is that the school would be in his local district.  No risk of his ex moving away and him having to follow her moves.  (That was a vital strategy that worked for me in my final decree.)
• How are the kids impacted?  Probably you can't assess this until you meet them.  (I'm guessing you haven't met them yet because then his ex would ramp up her sabotage and obstruction?)  Do they want to live more with their father?  How much influence on them does their mother have?

[GaGrl]

I am a step-parent to adult children of my husband's marriage to a uBPD/NPD mother.

By the time his children were teens, they were asking of their father why he didn't divorce their mother. Tragic situations, in which they witnessed her constant and blatant infidelities and CPS became involved due to reporting to their school counselor.

I could not have been effective as a steps parent at that point. My husband had to find his own way through the morass.

How would you assess your partner's position at this time?

[PossibleFuturwSM]

Thank you Kells76 for such a thoughtful and honest reply. In the past I’ve let my heart lead, and it hasn’t always worked out well. I no longer believe that each person has a soulmate or that love conquers all.

To answer your questions: We’ve been dating for six months. I haven’t met the kids, but that is the next step. Currently the custody is 50/50. The divorce is ongoing for 18 months with no end on sight. She is unwilling to make any progress or negotiations outside of the courtroom although she has been offered 50 % of everything. Boyfriend does have an attorney, but I don’t think he’s well versed in BPD and doesn’t seem to understand why she won’t agree to anything. We all live in the same small city of 5,000 people. I just moved there.

I’m not expecting to find a perfect situation, but everything I seem to read makes me think that a BPD person creates chaos and havoc around them. It’s a lot to commit to knowing that I would be in the orbit of this person. And truly I’m not sure that I would handle it well. I plan to read more of these personal accounts to better understand the possibilities that I could face as a stepmother. I’d prefer not to get involved with the children unless I’m prepared and ready to face the challenges. I don’t want to create anymore chaos in their lives.

Any advice or thoughts from you or others is very welcome.

[PossibleFuturwSM]

Also to ForeverDad and GaGirl- these are very helpful things to consider. I think the attorney’s strategy has been more to show that Dad is reasonable and uBPD mom is not reasonable, but I haven’t heard anything about their strategy for things like tiebreaker status. I think this is super helpful for me to understand and is also something he and his attorney should have more conversations about.

Truly thankful to have found this forum.

[ForeverDad]

An essential must have for our sort of protracted and obstructed divorces is a paperback guide, Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (revised 2021).  My lawyer didn't care about my research nor what kind of crazy my ex was but at least I was better informed than before when I was clueless.  And avoided some of the more common pitfalls and traps encountered during separations and divorces.

If the lawyer is puzzled, is he or she up to the task?  What strategies does the lawyer have?  You need more than to tread water, so to speak, you need someone to guide you to the best (or "least bad") outcome.