Why can't my BPD adult child connect with her new baby?

[Sadmom2003]

I'm am heart broken about the lost relationship that my daughter and I had already so watching her be so detached from her prefect baby while choosing a terrible relationship that's full of abuse is too much. 

Anyone else experience this? My daughter is 20 grandson is 4 month.  State has been involved due to get mental instability and he likely will be adopted by a family friend eventually.  He's being showered Wythe love and its perfect. Just not his mother's love. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Notwendy]

An adoptive mother's love is a mother's love. It sounds like this baby is being showered with love and that is wonderful.

Being able to conceive and give birth to a child makes someone a biological parent. While we hope that parent would also be a loving and caring parent, that takes more than biology.

I am a middle age adult child of a BPD mother who is not connected or loving to her children. She's not capable of this due to her own emotional issues from BPD.

As a child, I could see that my friends' mothers acted differently towards them than mine did towards me. I thought somehow it must be my fault and my mother also blamed me for her behavior. I thought that maybe, just maybe, if I was good enough, my mother would love me.

As an adult, I feel sad for my BPD mother and the emotional suffering she deals with- this suffering that is due to her own emotional distressed caused by BPD. She is so overwhelmed with her own feelings- there's just no emotional bandwidth available to pay attention to anyone else.  I also believe at some level, this is difficult for her as well. Just as I could see my friends' relationships with their mothers- she sees her friends' relationships with their grown children and grandchildren and wants this too. I understand this, and I tried my best to make this possible for her, until she began her own emotional drama with my children and I had to have boundaries. I don't want her to feel sad, I never wanted to do that but I will not allow her to behave towards my children the way she does with hers.

For you, I know this has to be difficult- to wish your daughter could love her child. I wish my mother could love her children too. But she can't. Thankfully, other people gave me that love a child needs- my father's family and even my friends' mothers were role models for me. If your grandchild has the chance to grow up in an emotionally stable and loving home, letting him have that could be the greatest gift of love to him.

[PearlsBefore]

The best resource on understanding the lack of traditional maternal attachment and concern that comes with BPD, is certainly Dr. Christine Ann Lawson's book on BPD motherhood. A must-read for anyone who foresees prolonged contact or care of a mother with BPD with young children.

That said, in my own case, a dBPD in my life came to the attention of state caregivers due to issues with her children and was assessed with a BASC-3 PRQ test by a psychiatrist who found her maternal attachment was in the bottom 1% percentile of mothers referred for psychiatric testing.

If you have more questions, feel free to PM.