what words do you use to say you want to separate?

[FirstSteps]

I'm at a point where I have finally admitted to myself (and my therapist and my best friend) that I want out of my marriage.  My kids are also really suffering emotionally from this going on and on.  I thought I had clarity months ago but, you know, it's a long road out of caretaking and what my therapist calls brainwashing.

After the last explosion, I insisted on talking to a therapist or mediator to decide on next steps, as I refuse to talk about these things alone with her.  This is the time for me to - in some way - communicate that I want to separate.

The issues are that I don't think we can afford another place.  Also, while I have created bank accounts and applied for credit cards, I have not had time to talk to my own lawyer (I have several calls out).  I am the primary breadwinner and I am also the primary parent (though she is quite active so that's just barely).  My kids are teens so not small.

I realize I need to be more prepared for a formal separation and or divorce talk.  But I also cannot go into this discussion early next week and pretend I want to stay.

It would be best to be separated within the house for now, with one of us using our detached garage during the days we are "out". 

Anyway, regardless of my preparations and long-term planning, I get really hung up on the words to use.  She has manipulated me on this topic for so long - insisting on divorce and then spinning it that I want a divorce, which makes me deny it, even though I'm devastated and want out. 

She has never been physical - her emotional abuse comes in the form of blaming, victimhood and endless loops of shifting conversations.  The breaks have become more dramatic lately, and she has started talking lawyers though in a very childish way and then backs off, as she's terrified of the American legal system (though she also now has advocates in online groups who could probably encourage her to fight).

I'm guessing the answer is to just say it - I want to separate.  But anyone have any good ways to separate from a pwBPD and throw as little gas on the fire as possible?

[Cat Familiar]

IDK, but I think directness would be the best approach. If you try to sugarcoat it, or point out how it would be in her best interest, I think that could easily trigger a dysregulation, as pwBPD can often be very adept at looking at others’ motives, and she could perceive you as being dishonest or manipulative.

“This isn’t working for me. I think we need to have separate places. I will make this as easy as possible.”

I’m a direct person, often too direct. I’d be curious to hear what others think.

[FirstSteps]

Thanks.  I think I need to hear that.  I would never say it's best for us or anything but I am very capable of saying "I want to be separated but not to formally separate" or something like that. 

Just a general note too that I'm finishing the book Splitting, and I do want to go a low conflict route here.  They suggest mediation as a first attempt, and I think she would respond well to that once she's accepted what's happening.  I say that knowing that there are so many horror stories.  I will be prepared for that but also like the book's approach to not go to court unnecessarily.

Also, I was planning to do all this after I got my things in order.  Maybe I would have dragged that out too long.  But I also am doing this earlier than I wanted - though it is not an option for me to play nice and give it 1-2 more months.  That would be not respecting myself.

 

[ForeverDad]

Just a general note too that I'm finishing the book Splitting, and I do want to go a low conflict route here.  They suggest mediation as a first attempt, and I think she would respond well to that once she's accepted what's happening.

Most jurisdictions require mediation.  Often that order follows the court making "temp orders" for custody and parenting time.  The problem with temp orders it can lock us into limited voices for custody and limited parenting time.  Don't assume a brief half hour hearing with a judge or magistrate will result in you walking out with a wonderful order.  In my area neither the court nor the lawyers were inclined to fix the bad aspects of my temp orders that lasted for two years during my divorce.

When I divorced, my child was a preschooler.  No one asked him what he would like during those years in and out of court.  Your children are older but even so I don't know how much impact they can have on any temp or final orders.

I say that knowing that there are so many horror stories.  I will be prepared for that but also like the book's approach to not go to court unnecessarily.

Also, I was planning to do all this after I got my things in order.

It is very wise to plan out all the contingencies and what if's.  Very important, have a local experienced lawyer you trust available.  Expect your spouse to flame out, obstruct and even sabotage you once you inform her of your conclusions for the future.  Be prepared for the worst, but also hope for the "less bad".

[FirstSteps]

Thanks.  Yes, I think on Tuesday I need to softplay it then - say I want to stay separated in the house but have no big conclusions. 

I just won't realistically have a lawyer by then. 

We're also functionally separated and she's even redecorated the main bedroom (!) to be her own (all while I walk upstairs on an unfinished hallway floor she's promised to finish for almost 3 years).  So maybe it's ok not to make a big declaration now.

Still, would love to hear what other people have said.  Because that day is coming for me either this week or in the near future.

[SaltyDawg]

FirstSteps,

   I am in a somewhat similar situation.  My uBPDw is my pwBPD.  However, she is in therapy, and we are not quite as far along as you are and not quite ready to throw in the towel - I may be there as early as next week, or in a few months time.  Her actions do not match her words.  So, I am in a holding pattern, or limbo, between each set of therapy sessions.  I think the T's are finally seeing through her smoke screen, so the next several weeks should be challenging where she will either have to prove she is not a borderline, or I have a feeling that the T's are going to challenge her narrative in a big way.

   Do record, do document, get as much 'evidence' as you can.  Also take photos of all critical documents, as once you break the news to her, you may not have access to that.  My uBPDw is an accountant, so it is a bit challenging for me.  Be especially keen to record your wife's reaction when she is given the news, if and when, so the irrationality of it can be documented.  

   Do the 7 P's - Proper Prior Planning Prevents Pi$$ Poor performance.

   Hope and pray for the best, but prepare for the worst.

   If your wife is a borderline, you may trigger her abandonment issues, and then the illogical and irrational will come out, and you will see new traits and symptoms that you have never seen before, this was previously tried with the previous couple's T that she had.  It gets real ugly, real quick.  My uBPDw may be a little more unstable than yours from your descriptions, but not by much.

   My recommendation, if you haven't already, is to read the following book, and utilize the tools in it:  "Stop Caretaking the Borderline Or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life" by Margalis Fjelstad

   I have already utilized many of that to bring the level of insanity back to a reasonable level.  My favorites are the 'seed' tool, and what I call the 'procrastination tool' [she calls it something else, but it amounts if you cannot agree on something, just procrastinate on it so she doesn't foolishly spend your income since she is unwilling to compromise.

   In any event, please let us know what has happened, and any additional insight you might be able to offer.

   Thanks, and take care.

[DarthPooh]

Do not doubt for a second that she will stop being as pleasant as she's been lately after filing for divorce.  She will be out to punish you.  She will feel justified in leaving you destitute and saddled with an unmanageble child support payment.  The thought of seeing you lead off in handcuffs will make her giddy. 
Record everything.  You can get a usb stick recorder that you can have on at all times in her presence just in case there's something you can use.  Start your free consultations with lawyers to find out which ones would be most aggressive and able to get a favorable outcome for you.  Do Not Let Her File First.  If she does, she wins.  If you're the one being sued, you can only try not to get beat too badly.  You need to be sure you're in control by being the one to sue her as aggressively as possible.  No mercy during the divorce proceedings.  If you wish to be lenient later, you'd have the option.  Guaranteed she wouldn't show you a shred of pity.

[Outdorenthusiast]

I can hear that this is quite gut wrenching for you, and it is understandable given all you have been through. The emotional manipulation is the hardest for me too.

I agree with Cat - direct is best and keep it short - don’t over explain yourself. Remember “No” is a complete sentence.  State your objective clearly, and succinctly and then stop.  Mentally arm yourself with a few things if you expect high conflict:
1) An planned excuse to end the conflict and walk away
2) A protective invisible bubble filled with happy thoughts and the truth of who you are that she cannot change.
3) Grey rock response tool (defense)
4) SET response tool (offense)
5) Friends/family you can call for emotional support before/after

Deep breath - you aren’t alone…

[ForeverDad]

I agree with Cat - direct is best and keep it short - don’t over explain yourself. Remember “No” is a complete sentence.  State your objective clearly, and succinctly and then stop.

My lawyer told me this repeatedly, after telling me his most important task was to sit on his clients so they didn't keep talking and get themselves into even more trouble, that I should resist answering a Yes or No question "Yes but..." or "No but..."  In scenarios like that Less is often better than More.

And I agree with Outdorenthusiast's list of cautions.  Including #5 trusted friends/family nearby before/during/after.  If you do it in a private setting then your spouse may not limit herself to a polite response.