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Author Topic: I Am Family, To Myself  (Read 103 times)
BigEasyHeart

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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: broken up
Posts: 14



« on: January 24, 2023, 12:12:41 PM »

Hiya all,

Not sure if this is the right place to post this (if not maybe a moderator can help put it where it belongs).

This talk has been really useful to me in thinking about my role in my relationship with my uBPDx. It still hurts by the way. Even though I understand much more through sites like this, it still feels like I not only lost my best friend but that they turned on me, for no real reason. And I still miss this person after months of being apart.

Anyway, this talk has helped me think a lot about things I can work on to move forward. I'm NOT saying that if I knew all this information beforehand things would still not have ended the way they did. But, I do think if I had been more in tune to these ideas, I would have been more able to stick up for myself in a respectful and even compassionate way, and I would have felt less pain when this person devalued me and finally left. I hope this is of use to others too!

Shell Fischer | Class with Meditation and Talk: I Am Family, To Myself
https://youtu.be/RwW2p3WmIw8
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Torimagic

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 23


« Reply #1 on: January 24, 2023, 11:45:49 PM »

Thank you! Just saved it. And I understand the devastation of loosing a best friend. It’s a hard journey. I am four months out and still struggling; however, I will say it’s nice to see some days of acceptance. Holding onto that.
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Pook075
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married but Separated
Posts: 78


« Reply #2 on: January 25, 2023, 11:14:58 AM »

Same here, I'm six months out and still fighting those emotions- my wife was more than my wife, she was my best friend, my confidant, etc.  We did everything together and that doesn't just fade away...lots of holes to fill.

The good news is that I now feel like time is on my side.  I've let go and I'll be okay regardless of the outcome.  Thanks to this site, if we can reconcile then I'll have all kinds of new tools to communicate with my wife and make our marriage better.  If we don't reconcile, then I still bettered myself and I now understand why things went so sideways, so fast.  I'm all good either way.
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BigEasyHeart

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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: broken up
Posts: 14



« Reply #3 on: January 26, 2023, 07:36:58 PM »

Thank Torimagic and Pook075 for your kind words.

I'm right between you too in terms of time and it's good to know it's ok to still be dealing with this. My therapist keeps reminding me that I'm pretty much where I should be in this process when I "feel bad about still feeling bad", if you know what I mean. Torimagic, I'm right with you on feeling moments of acceptance and holding on to that. Pook075, you are an inspiration with your comments about seeing the good bettering yourself as its own end and being good either way. That is a great goal for me to have as well. In fact, I'm beginning to have moments where I actually see the benefit in what has happened. I had been working on myself a lot before I met my ex and thought I'd made a lot of progress. This breakup has made me realize that I have a lot more work to do and had led me back to therapy to work on those things. I kind of doubt there is a reconciliation in my future. I also struggle with the fact that my ex may never have a real conversation with me about what happened. Leaving me with a lot of unanswered questions. There is a good chance I may never get that person's help in finding closure. This is frustrating as hell given this was a person who I thought of as my best friend but it is something I'll have to accept.

Anyway, thanks again both of you. If you do listen to the talk, I'd be curious to know what you think!
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Pook075
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married but Separated
Posts: 78


« Reply #4 on: January 27, 2023, 01:01:30 PM »

Pook075, you are an inspiration with your comments about seeing the good bettering yourself as its own end and being good either way. That is a great goal for me to have as well. In fact, I'm beginning to have moments where I actually see the benefit in what has happened. I had been working on myself a lot before I met my ex and thought I'd made a lot of progress. This breakup has made me realize that I have a lot more work to do and had led me back to therapy to work on those things. I kind of doubt there is a reconciliation in my future.

I'm glad I was able to help some and I agree with you- this journey at this point is about us, not them.  What do you enjoy?  What makes you happy?  What do you want to do with your life?  This is 100% about you and only you. 

Also, let's say your and your ex did reconcile; would you want that relationship to be exactly how it was when you broke up?  Of course not, so it's still 100% about you and your needs...not what they demand to make themselves feel loved/special/whatever.  Relationships are a two-way street where everyone is supposed to get what they want and need.  If that's not on the table, then what exactly would we be going back to?

It took me many months to be able to think like that, but for me anyway, it's been the healthiest thing so far.  It's okay to be selfish when I'm talking about who I give my heart and my entire life to.

I also struggle with the fact that my ex may never have a real conversation with me about what happened. Leaving me with a lot of unanswered questions. There is a good chance I may never get that person's help in finding closure. This is frustrating as hell given this was a person who I thought of as my best friend but it is something I'll have to accept.

In my case, my ex was super depressed and shutting down from everything.  I'd try to talk to her, try to comfort her, but she just kept retreating inward.  I had a relative close to death in another state, so I was flying down for a long weekend to say goodbye.  That week before I left, she was even worse and completely ignored me except to say two days before I left, "I just started my period," then she started crying.  And I was thinking, so what?  You don't even look at me but you're worried about sex?  That sort of requires some sort of interaction, LOL.

Anyway, I had a 7 AM flight on Sat morning and I got up around 4, got dressed in the dark, and quietly made my way out of the room so I wouldn't wake her.  I was already heartbroken at this point and just wanted to get out of there, but as I'm circling the bed I see that she's sitting up and awake, staring at the foot of the bed.  I suppose I should have turned around, kissed her and said I love you, but I just couldn't.  She said that was the final straw and I'm guessing she was devastated.  She was out of town the following week with work, so my best guess is that's what caused her to split and paint me black.

Looking back now that I'm removed from the situation, my wife had zero clue that she 100% shut me out for the better part of a month.  She had no idea that she completely destroyed me from feeling so alone, even though she slept right next to me every night.  Yet she did realize that I left without saying goodbye, which in her mind confirmed that I never loved her, never cared about her, etc over our 24 year marriage.

I shared that because honestly, it was therapeutic as can be.  But I started typing all that out to say that my wife did tell me exactly what happened, I just didn't realize it until recently.  My marriage ended because we both loved each other, both wanted to be closer together, but we couldn't because she was too in her own head instead of taking a look around at reality.  And we can't reconcile because I'm now a super villain.

My point is, sure...I could have did that one thing differently.  But mature adults would be able to have a conversation weeks before reaching that point, or shortly afterwards at the very least.  I refuse to beat myself up anymore over being abused, neglected, and not giving unconditional love while my heart was being ripped out.  This just wasn't a "me-thing", which is why it has to be 100% about me from here on out.  All of us deserve better and we shouldn't be asked to settle.
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