Mother of adult child with BPD

[Sgt. Angua]

Hi all:

My young adult daughter was diagnosed with BPD last year. I disagreed with the diagnosis at first, but I'm educating myself and now realize that BPD is the best way to describe her challenges. I'm hoping to learn more and to provide her with a supportive mom. I've been married for 29 years, and my husband is helpful and supportive and also interested in learning more.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Couscous]

This might be hard to hear, but since she’s an adult there really isn’t much you and your H can do to support her. In fact, she might even benefit if you aren’t too closely involved with her life so that she can learn to stand on her own two feet.

Occasionally doing enjoyable but low-key and low-cost activities together, like going out for coffee at quiet coffee shop, or going to an art exhibit, etc. would likely benefit your relationship. Being out in public can be helpful to reduce the chances of drama breaking out, but lots of pwBPD are also HSPs, (highly sensitive persons) so busy, noisy environments like loud restaurants and malls can be activating for them, so that’s something to keep in mind.

[exhaustedmama]

I completely understand.  When my daughter asked me years ago if I thought maybe she had BPD I said no, because I wasn't aware that there are different kinds of BPD. I was also unaware that current research indicates that a person doesn't have to have experienced abuse, trauma or neglect in childhood to develop BPD.  Now, I know that in fact my daughter meets most of the criteria, and by the time she finally received her diagnosis last year it was somewhat validating.  It helped explain why she was so unwell despite our best efforts to be loving (though imperfect) parents. 

I find reading books about BPD helps, and my husband and I (also married 29 years) recognize we are also going to need therapy.  Our daughter is 24 now, and we are still very much in the thick of trying to parent her effectively.  Finding the line between enabling and supporting is very difficult, as is letting go of a sense of responsibility when she is engaging in self-destructive behaviours.  I wish you all the best in your personal journey with your daughter.  Be sure to show yourself as much compassion as you give to your daughter.

[SaltyDawg]

A couple of good books for pwBPD [persons with BPD] are:

I Hate You-- Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality by Hal Straus and Jerold Jay Kreisman

Sometimes I Act Crazy: Living with Borderline Personality Disorder by Hal Straus and Jerold Jay Kreisman

Good books for those who [caretakers] need to manage their pwBPD are:

Stop Caretaking the Borderline Or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life by Margalis Fjelstad

Stop Walking on Eggshells by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger [3rd edition has a good assessment tool in it]

[kells76]

Hello Sgt. Angua, I want to join with the other members in welcoming you to the site -- so glad you reached out.

You've done well to educate yourself and be open to new perspectives, despite your initial reservations about your D having BPD.

That's great to hear that your H (I'm assuming your D's dad?) is also supportive and open to learning. One thing you'll hear from some parents on this board is, "when we know better, we do better" and "we did the best we could with what we knew". It's a good thing for you and your family that you both want to work with the reality of your D's diagnosis.

Did your D receive her diagnosis through therapy? Is she in any kind of treatment right now? If so, how's that going?

Also, in your learning journey, have you had a chance to check out our section of articles on When a teen or adult child has Borderline Personality Disorder? The one on "Supporting a Child in Therapy for Borderline Personality Disorder" came to mind when you described your openness to being supportive and, potentially, part of your D's stabilization/recovery.

There's a wide range of approaches to parenting an adult child wBPD. As Couscous mentions, some do better with more room to "spread their own wings" and less interaction with family -- for some pwBPD, less contact can be more stable and less triggering. Others, of course, do better with a lot of family support. It really depends on the individual, and like exhaustedmama relates, when you're an involved parent of a child wBPD,

Finding the line between enabling and supporting is very difficult, as is letting go of a sense of responsibility

.

Check out the books SaltyDawg suggested as well -- in fact, another one to add to the list, if you haven't read it already, is Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, by Shari Manning, Ph.D. -- my understanding is that it's geared towards those who choose to stay in a relationship (romantic, family, otherwise) with a pwBPD.

Let us know how you've been doing;

kells76