Am I wrong for not wanting to move closer to her?

[Fox98]

My uBPD (25F) girlfriend and I have been having a very rough patch again. I am trying to give her support and help her but I keep getting pushed away by her.

She has started 2 new jobs, is going to school again and I noticed it's taking a huge toll. In the past 2 months she probably told me 4-5 times we are done. We had just made up again and had a loving weekend, I made sure to really be there for her because she was nervous about starting her new job this week.

Now this monday when I got home she started texting me a few hours later how she will not have enough time anymore to come to my place, she is way too busy with everything and she doesn't feel like it's worth the time to travel to my place. She said bad things about my parents and she basically hates my town. I live 25-30 minutes away from her and I have a car so I can always visit her. She has to take the bus to come to me. She basically pushed the conversation towards it being my fault this is not going to work out anymore because I don't want to move and live closer to her or move in with her. We have had a relationship for a little over 2 years. My dream is to live together with my partner and have a good future but I am so scared because we have never been steady for long periods of time. I have tried explaining how if she keeps shutting the door to me she can't expect me to give up everything and move towards her.

She said she doesn't want a relationship where we only see each other in the weekend and with her new schedule it is going to be impossible to work it out according to her. This is the first week she has this new schedule and she hasn't even experienced how it would be from now. And I know she's probably completely overwhelmed right now so the easiest thing is to shut out your girlfriend.. I decided to visit her yesterday to talk about it but it was way too emotional. I found quite a few bottles of alcohol laying around and I think she was drunk aswell. You can just see in someones eyes when they completely shut you out and hate you. I don't understand how you can hate me or be mad at me because u are afraid we wont see each other enough. This should be something to talk about in a loving way.

She made it very clear there was only one solution: me always being at her place during the week and that I would move to her city very soon. Otherwise the relationship is over for her. It makes me feel so overwhelmed and sad how she suddenly put all this on me and I don't know what to do anymore. It feels like an ultimatum and I can't do it because she has hurt me so much. All I wanted is stability and love and then you can build a future together, but it doesn't seem possible. I hope this story isnt too rambling, I'm really looking for someone to tell me it isn't bad of me that I can't give her what she demands. She really made me feel like I am at fault for everything because I cant take the leap. Looking forward to your answers.

[Notwendy]

She made it very clear there was only one solution: me always being at her place during the week and that I would move to her city very soon. Otherwise the relationship is over for her.

It feels like an ultimatum and I can't do it

All I wanted is stability and love and then you can build a future together, but it doesn't seem possible.

I'm really looking for someone to tell me it isn't bad of me that I can't give her what she demands.

Here it is: It is not bad of you.

Let's discuss boundaries. What are boundaries anyway? They reflect your values. One aspect of dating is to discover if two people are compatible enough for a long term commitment. It's not really about who is right or wrong, or who is bad or not. It's about if there are compatible values, good communication, mutual respect and other elements that you consider important to you.

This can be individual- some people want to marry within their religion, or culture, or a certain education level- that doesn't make someone good or bad- it's what you value in the family unit you wish to create with someone.

You have identified some of your own values:

You want stability - and yet, your GF has demonstrated instability- with her jobs, with her emotions.

You do not want to move closer or move in with her: that is a boundary.

You feel you are being given an ultimatum- pushed to do something you don't feel sure about. This is your own feelings telling you that something isn't OK with this situation. You are not being "wrong" for paying attention to this feeling and knowing you do not wish to give in to her demands. It would not be honest to do so when you don't want to.

You are feeling pushed to do something you don't want to do- because, if you wanted to do it, you wouldn't feel this way.

You see a red flag here- she was drunk and the over consumption of alcohol.

You are not wrong for listening to your own guidance. Imagine this is your best friend telling you these things. What would you say to your best friend?

[ForeverDad]

Here it is: It is not bad of you.

Here it is:  It is probably bad for you.

Boundaries are good, they ought to exist for your protection.  If your friend is "all over the map" emotionally and behaviorally, repeatedly on again off again, then as for the future "what you see (now) is what you get (later).

If your boundaries don't match - she wants you to move closer but you don't - then continuing the relationship is unwise.  Surely there are other areas of discord as well.  You already know she is disordered (BPD behaviors) then why tempt fate?