Teenage daughter woes

[ladycardinal]

Hi all. I'm here re: my 16-year-old daughter who I think probably has BPD. I live with her, my partner of 12 years, and our 2-year-old son. I also have 2 other older kids with my daughter's father. So 4 kids altogether - 3 (ages 16, 18, and 20) with my ex-husband, and 1 (age 2) with my partner.

What type of relationship are you in?
 I am the mother of a teenager who I suspect has BPD.
 
Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?
She has told me that her father (my ex) was diagnosed with it recently, and that would make sense. Our relationship was abusive. I suspect he had other issues and was diagnosed with ODD and ADHD as a teenager.
 
What is your child's strongest quality?
 She has a really strong sense of justice and a desire to fight for what is right. She can also be really fun and charming, and she's really sweet with her baby brother.
 
What are the top challenges your child is facing?
 She keeps blowing her own life up and doesn't see that she is (part of) the problem. She lived primarily with her father on the other side of the country for many years (long story but I didn't do anything wrong to prompt this other than be naïve and allow myself to be emotionally manipulated by him, then he manipulated the courts to get what he wanted.) My daughter recently decided that she wanted to move here to live with me, my partner, and our toddler.

She started the school year off here well and was getting good grades, making friends, etc. It all started unraveling though and she got kicked out of friend group after friend group and her grades started slipping. There are social issues at this school. It is very small and most students have known each other since they were in preschool. I have heard from other kids about cattiness, toxic cliques, bullying, etc, but my daughter's reaction has been really self-destructive imo. Like just not trying in class anymore, skipping school, etc. She feels like if she doesn't have friends, there is no point in trying in school. (logic makes no sense to me, the teacher's pet, but anyway.)

We don't have a lot of schooling options in our area (plus we can't afford private school,) and her school counselor recommended she go to this intensive day treatment school program, which she started last week. She was desperate to start it to get away from our local high school, but after a few days, she decided she hated that, too, and is now desperate to leave there and go somewhere else. There's really only one option remaining (the alternative high school) and I'm afraid that if she has the same reaction to that, she'll end up dropping out or something. It just all makes me feel sad because her teachers at our local school were really great and cared about her, and it sucks to see how much that deteriorated over a few months because she feels rejected by the other students. Also, my partner says that if she drops out, he's putting her on a plane and sending her back to her dad, which terrifies me. I know this would make her feel supremely rejected and unloved. I'm just avoiding thinking about that possibility for now and hoping she can limp through the remainder of high school and get her diploma.

That's just the most recent stuff but it's been constant ups and downs and drama for years now - volatile friend relationships that fall apart over seemingly minor things, romantic relationships that last like 1-2 weeks and then blow up spectacularly, excessive drug use (just weed, thankfully, but still), anger issues, unrealistic expectations that my partner and I will drop everything and drive her places/pick her up in the middle of the work day and then epic meltdowns if we say we're busy, etc. Multiple suicide attempts, though thankfully she hasn't done that since the summer... but like, that wasn't that long ago. I'm always waiting for things to blow up again. She has been in and out of psych wards, day treatments, and residential programs.
 
What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?
 Sometimes, she feels like a black hole of neediness and that nothing I do or say is ever enough to make her feel better. I feel like I'm constantly running around trying to clear the way for her, make her life easier, or solve problems for her, and it's never enough. Like my entire life ends up revolving around taking care of her (even though she thinks I don't care or do anything for her,) and trying to minimize the fallout with my partner, who is at the end of his rope with this.

How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed? Undiagnosed?
Since she's a teenager, therapists have been unwilling to say she has BPD but they have said she has a "personality disorder". She won't stick with a therapist, which is really frustrating. She always gets to a point where she feels like there's nothing to say and will just sit in therapy silent until the therapist basically says this isn't worth doing if you're not going to participate. She claims she has learned everything there is to know about coping skills and such (which is possible - her father's girlfriend is a therapist and they are constantly doing DBT stuff at their house) so she thinks she doesn't need therapy. I disagree, but sending her when she won't participate is pointless.
 
What do you struggle with yourself?
 Ugh, so much. My relationship is suffering a lot because my daughter's behavior is really triggering to my partner, who doesn't really want to learn any way to deal with her other than ice her out and yell at her. I feel like her condition is my fault because I left her father when she was really young and that may have caused abandonment issues. My mother died in 2021 and I feel very alone in dealing with all of this without her. I struggle to understand if my daughter even actually loves me or if, when she acts like she does, it's just a ploy to get what she wants. I worry about how this will all affect the 2-year-old. I also feel like there is literally no room for me in my life. Like I'm always putting out fires for my daughter, dealing with the day-to-day needs of a toddler (as one should,) working, cleaning, or trying to make sure my partner is as NOT affected by the chaos as possible. I have no time/room to do anything for myself, and I'm STILL failing at all the other stuff. My partner is still miserable, my daughter is still blowing her life up. I just feel like a complete failure.
 
Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?
 If so, what types?
 See above. I recently started seeing a therapist because of my unhappiness and feelings of inadequacy. Nobody else is in therapy at the moment.
 
What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?
 Learn how to communicate better with my daughter and prepare her for independence, learn how to not let her behavior negatively affect my relationship with my partner,  and figure out what I can do to remove myself a bit emotionally so I'm not constantly running around trying to keep her happy and doing nothing (it seems) but letting her hurt me.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hi ladycardinal, glad you found us! Welcome to the group 

Sounds like a lot of stress in your life and your family. Parenting teens is no walk in the park, anyway, and to add BPD type traits and behaviors on top... it makes sense that you feel like you're constantly chasing after her, putting out fires.

This part of your post stood out to me:

her school counselor recommended she go to this intensive day treatment school program, which she started last week. She was desperate to start it to get away from our local high school, but after a few days, she decided she hated that, too, and is now desperate to leave there and go somewhere else. There's really only one option remaining (the alternative high school) and I'm afraid that if she has the same reaction to that, she'll end up dropping out or something.

I wonder if you're hoping that maybe the DTU was just a bad fit, and maybe the alternative HS would be helpful? Yet I think I also am reading that you recognize  that the issue is her reactions to these various situations, not the situations themselves.

Does she have any say regarding staying in the DTU? My guess is No, given that she's a minor, so I'm thinking it's up to you? Is the core issue that she's turned negative about it, vs that it isn't effective? And I'm also guessing that now that she's turned negative towards it, she complains about that to you/it's another huge stressful issue?

What would it be like to hold the line here and not "try one more thing"? Do you think she might have an extinction burst? I understand that that would be really stressful to cope with.

I was actually in an IOP (for an eating disorder) as a teen. I had to quit my job (that I loved) and move out of town for it. I remember after the first week or so there, I was SO frustrated because it seemed like (to my eyes) we were just "sitting around and doing crafts". I called my mom and I remember cursing to her on the phone, saying the program was so F'ing stupid, I quit my job for this, I hated it, it was pointless, we weren't "doing" anything, and I wanted to be done. To her credit, she didn't react, just let me be mad... and I had to stay. I didn't even get to finish the program early (, guess I wasn't as healthy as I thought) but had to do the whole 3 months.

So, all that to say, it could be that even though your D16 hates the DTU and wants to be done, what she needs more than that is to stick it out. Which may be a challenging attitude to cope with, so I'm glad to hear you're in therapy and that you want to find ways to protect your relationship with your spouse.

Another thought struck me just now, thinking about your situation. So your D16 wants the independence of having say-so about staying in the DTU or not? She kind of wants to be "treated like an adult"? I wonder if you can use that to your advantage -- what I'm thinking is, if she comes to you, complaining about the DTU ("I hate it there, it's pointless, I know everything already, can't you just let me go to Alternative HS"), what if you allowed her an opportunity to step up, be mature, and discuss it like an adult with her team at the DTU?

A reply could be something like: "If I felt like something I was doing was pointless, I'd be frustrated, too. I'm confident you can discuss it with your team and come up with a timeline to graduate. Let me know if you want me in that meeting."

This allows you not to take responsibility for fixing her feelings, and allows her to decide if she wants to have a mature discussion with the team.

Anyway, lots of thoughts about that specific aspect of what's going on. This is a great place to learn some more communication skills (like you are interested in doing) -- when you have time, check out the "Tools" section in the dark green menu bar up top, and feel free to let us know if any of it resonates with you.

Hang in there, and check in any time;

kells76

[Lifelonglearner]

Wow. I could have written your post about my daughter. My daughter was just expelled from school for smoking weed at a school event. She’s 18 and has never gotten in trouble at school in her life (not because she’s never done anything wrong but because she’s soo sneaky and manipulative). I had no clue she was smoking until the expulsion. She is supposed to graduate high school in May and begin college out of state in August. She is now in a partial hospitalization program and finishing her high school credits online. She hasn’t been diagnosed with BPD yet but I’m pretty sure she will be at her treatment program. I have spent most of my life catering to her every whim and it’s never enough. I love her so much and it breaks my heart she is suffering so much. She can be delightful and then turn on a dime - tell me she hates me and I’m the worst mother ever. Everything is my fault. She has no accountability for her actions and their consequences. She can’t keep a friend for anything. She has experienced HORRIBLE trauma in her life - my husband, her dad, died by suicide when she was 13. He was verbally abusive, an alcoholic, and I suspect he had BPD and NPD. She acts exactly like him and it scares me to death. I also have a partner who I’m trying to shield from the chaos and two other children. It’s exhausting.
I want you to know you are not alone and I will be thinking about you, your daughter, and your family.