Separated

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi all,

I have separated from my uBPD/NPD husband and started divorce proceedings. Many months ago I realized I needed a separation. My husband would not agree to it so eventually I went to a lawyer and filed for divorce.

Currently we are renting an apartment and alternating living there and being with our children at home. This is a temporary arrangement.

Making the decision to seek a divorce and telling the children are the hardest things I've ever done.

Separating myself emotionally and physically from my husband also feels like the best decision I've ever made now that it has happened. My sense of release, of lightness, of a burden lifted is hard to describe. I am hesitant to speak for my children, but I believe that, despite not wanting their parents to divorce, they are also feeling a sense of relief, release, and lightness. It was almost like they were waiting for me as the adult to take some action in a confusing, tense situation.

One of the best parts is that I can parent my children how I wish instead of having my husband interfere. Being with my children part-time without tension and stress is better than having them full-time with the stress and negativity of my husband present. However, it was very hard to let go of my desire to parent them 100% of the time.

We are all still adjusting to this huge change, and the divorce may be highly contentious.

Over the last year, my husband had become increasingly delusional. For the moment, those delusions have disappeared.

I could never have made this change without supportive therapists, family of origin, church, and friends. They have surrounded me, encouraged me, helped me, loved me, and prayed for courage and wisdom for me. This board has been of immense help too, particularly as a way to self-sooth after being targeted by my husband.

My experience has been a deeply spiritual one, with a sense of God walking with me, sending me signs and help just when I needed it, and acting in creative ways to create a path forward where I could see nothing but a wall.

I welcome your questions, if you have any.

[zondolit]

Hi all,

I have separated from my uBPD/NPD husband and started divorce proceedings. Many months ago I realized I needed a separation. My husband would not agree to it so eventually I went to a lawyer and filed for divorce.

Currently we are renting an apartment and alternating living there and being with our children at home. This is a temporary arrangement.

Making the decision to seek a divorce and telling the children are the hardest things I've ever done.

Separating myself emotionally and physically from my husband also feels like the best decision I've ever made now that it has happened. My sense of release, of lightness, of a burden lifted is hard to describe. I am hesitant to speak for my children, but I believe that, despite not wanting their parents to divorce, they are also feeling a sense of relief, release, and lightness. It was almost like they were waiting for me as the adult to take some action in a confusing, tense situation.

One of the best parts is that I can parent my children how I wish instead of having my husband interfere. Being with my children part-time without tension and stress is better than having them full-time with the stress and negativity of my husband present. However, it was very hard to let go of my desire to parent them 100% of the time.

We are all still adjusting to this huge change, and the divorce may be highly contentious.

Over the last year, my husband had become increasingly delusional. For the moment, those delusions have disappeared.

I could never have made this change without supportive therapists, family of origin, church, and friends. They have surrounded me, encouraged me, helped me, loved me, and prayed for courage and wisdom for me. This board has been of immense help too, particularly as a way to self-sooth after being targeted by my husband.

My experience has been a deeply spiritual one, with a sense of God walking with me, sending me signs and help just when I needed it, and acting in creative ways to create a path forward where I could see nothing but a wall.

I welcome your questions, if you have any.

[ForeverDad]

Currently we are renting an apartment and alternating living there and being with our children at home. This is a temporary arrangement.

Yes, temporary, this is known as nesting and is impractical long term.  You will need your own "home", it is standard for the children to travel between homes.

You may be inclined overmuch to be "fair".  It's a problem so many of us here have to address lest we end up sabotaging ourselves.  Yes, we're nice fair people but there has to be a limit to our sense of fairness so we stand up for ourselves and the children.

Also, resist the temptation to hide (or not report) some of the poor behaviors and perceptions.  You as the reasonably normal parent need to come out of the divorce with as much custody and parenting as possible, for your children's sake.

[Go3737]

I left my BPD wife of 39 years in December and filed for divorce.
She had gotten into wine and raging almost daily.
I couldn't/wouldn't take it any longer.

I feel sad, heartbroken, guilty and like a failure as a husband, father and a man.

We each just moved into our own apartments and gave up our marital one.

So unfortunate and sad for all.

I too think the grown children are sort of relieved. The tension had been building for years.