Finally it was me she abandoned

[Snigglefritz]

Hello Friends,

My daughter has not been diagnosed with BPD, but from everything I’ve read, I cannot imagine I’m wrong. For one, I’m her mother and I had to finally approach the “issues” she has honestly. I made a list of all the friends she’s had over her lifetime and she is not close, or even in contact, with one of them. She’s no longer even in contact with my mother, her grandmother, who was more loving, supportive and forgiving than anyone in her life. I moved my mother 1,200 miles from her home after my dad died so she could be close to the family. My grandson and mother’s great-grandson, is the brightest spot in my mom’s life. My daughter lives 35 minutes away and hasn’t called, sent pictures, or brought the baby (he’s 4, so not a baby anymore) to see us since before Thanksgiving. Knowing she knows how happy it makes me and my mother to see “Bryan” was the last straw for me. I hadn’t realized she’d abandoned us until a few weeks ago because there’s always some excuse for her erratic behavior. I texted her at least 4 times asking if she was coming for Christmas and couldn’t get a straight answer. Finally, I realized that was all a game. About a month ago,  she quit responding at all. As horrible as this sounds, at this moment, I don’t care if she ever speaks to me again because of the way she’s treated her grandmother, who is all alone and in poor health. My daughter lost her first son (and my grandson)  to SIDS. To withhold my grandson, who loves my mom dearly, from us is beyond cruel and selfish. I am embarrassed when friends ask how the kids are doing and I have to tell them I’m assuming everything is okay, but she’s not speaking to me. Every time I’m with her and I leave, I say to myself, ‘Why can’t we just have one normal day’? I’m just rambling now. Her birthday is this week and I’ve decided to do nothing. I bought a gift but decided since she couldn’t remember to thank us for her Christmas presents, why bother. I bought a card and decided, why bother, she clearly doesn’t want to communicate. I’m certainly not going to text, as I have a string of unanswered messages and it will only upset me all over again. Please tell me if I’m making a mistake. I love her, but I have given everything I have and more. I’m exhausted and broken-hearted. Where did I go do wrong?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Snizzlefritz and thanks for posting. I had lots of thoughts going through my head about my dd and your post reminded me how different everything is when trying to relate to a loved one with bpd.

It is heart breaking that you are being denied contact with your grandson and of course for your mother . . . . . .

My experience with BPD though is that I am not surprised. For one thing, I think there would be huge jealousy re the relationship between the child and yourself and your mother.

The other thing is the need to be in control. Until I 'let go' and stepped back this used to nearly drive me crazy.

I am wondering about another option ie you send a card or a text just saying 'Happy birthday. Hope to see you both soon.'

The reason I say this is that it is a middle step - it hands control of the contact back to her rather than you cutting off. I have found this is helpful because it is a bit of a shock tactic. My dd was so used to me being the one trying to get together!

My 'handing over' of initiative was a real step back in that I chose to not have my dd in my mind - as much as I could of course.

You say 'I love her, but I have given everything I have and more. I’m exhausted and broken-hearted. Where did I go do wrong?'

First of all you didn't 'do wrong'. Like everyone here you have exhausted yourself trying to love and support a loved child with a complex mental illness.

You didn't cause this, you can't control it, you can't cure it.(The three C's)

I think you are at a turning point - even just a point of taking time out. Use the three c's mantra to keep reminding yourself of what you have been coping with and that you need to take time to appreciate the gift of your own life, to support your own parent in this time and generally smell the roses.

[Snigglefritz]

Sancho,

Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply.


"My experience with BPD though is that I am not surprised. For one thing, I think there would be huge jealousy re the relationship between the child and yourself and your mother."

 I think you may have nailed it here.

"The other thing is the need to be in control. Until I 'let go' and stepped back this used to nearly drive me crazy."

I know that I became so enmeshed in her problems trying to help her that I was setting both of us up for failure. When she didn't do what I knew needed to be done, I developed a lot of resentment. There were many times I was working harder than she was to solve her problems. O own my part of our relationship dysfunction. Can you recommend a good book on letting go and boundaries?

Thank you for the advice on sending her a birthday message. It was the right thing to do.
I ended up sending a birthday text, which went unanswered. I wasn't expecting one, so that is getting a little easier.

This was so helpful:

You didn't cause this, you can't control it, you can't cure it.(The three C's)

"I think you are at a turning point - even just a point of taking time out. Use the three c's mantra to keep reminding yourself of what you have been coping with and that you need to take time to appreciate the gift of your own life, to support your own parent in this time and generally smell the roses."

Thank you so much for taking the time to write me. It was really helpful and generous of you.