Support needed

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello everyone,
I am new to this forum. I have been in a relationship with a person who has been suffering from BPD and bipolar disorder for the past 7 years. Unfortunately, her diagnosis of BPD came much later and while I tried to support her through her journey, my last straw came when she began calling the police several times alleging abuse. This led to the start of a highly conflictual divorce proceedings. A lot of BPD features were also noted in my wife from other stories that I read on this forum and I realized the outlook for the near future.

It pains me to say that I am not strong enough to be a rock while facing the constant criticisms, blaming and blackmailing. I only realized later after my family members insistence that I had changed too much in trying to accomodate for her. I have also been in therapy but have not been able to come up with a consistent way of communicating with her. I share a very young daughter with her, who ironically, is also the reason I decided to take matters into my own hands and fight for some stability in my own life.

We are currently in almost the final stages of divorce proceedings, however I find myself facing a lot of guilt over ending the relationship and over the challenges that my daughter will face while shuttling between two homes as part of a 50-50 custody arrangement. I also wonder at times if her BPD is not necessarily as severe as some other cases (culture plays a role, e.g. no alcohol use) and that I am abandoning her in her time of need. She has also made conditional threats of hurting herself if I do not reverse the divorce proceedings and I struggle with my decision and its consequences.

I hope some of you can offer your perspectives and how to manage the guilt and also on how to communicate with ex-spouses with BPD in a healthy way.

Sorry for rambling on. Perhaps at a later time, I will share my story with some more coherence. Recounting it at this stage still seems too painful.

[Emaanbillah]

Hello everyone,
I am new to this forum. I have been in a relationship with a person who has been suffering from BPD and bipolar disorder for the past 7 years. Unfortunately, her diagnosis of BPD came much later and while I tried to support her through her journey, my last straw came when she began calling the police several times alleging abuse. This led to the start of a highly conflictual divorce proceedings. A lot of BPD features were also noted in my wife from other stories that I read on this forum and I realized the outlook for the near future.

It pains me to say that I am not strong enough to be a rock while facing the constant criticisms, blaming and blackmailing. I only realized later after my family members insistence that I had changed too much in trying to accomodate for her. I have also been in therapy but have not been able to come up with a consistent way of communicating with her. I share a very young daughter with her, who ironically, is also the reason I decided to take matters into my own hands and fight for some stability in my own life.

We are currently in almost the final stages of divorce proceedings, however I find myself facing a lot of guilt over ending the relationship and over the challenges that my daughter will face while shuttling between two homes as part of a 50-50 custody arrangement. I also wonder at times if her BPD is not necessarily as severe as some other cases (culture plays a role, e.g. no alcohol use) and that I am abandoning her in her time of need. She has also made conditional threats of hurting herself if I do not reverse the divorce proceedings and I struggle with my decision and its consequences.

I hope some of you can offer your perspectives and how to manage the guilt and also on how to communicate with ex-spouses with BPD in a healthy way.

Sorry for rambling on. Perhaps at a later time, I will share my story with some more coherence. Recounting it at this stage still seems too painful.

[ForeverDad]

First, welcome, though of course we wish (as you surely do) that there was no need to come her for support.

We are currently in almost the final stages of divorce proceedings, however I find myself facing a lot of guilt over ending the relationship and over the challenges that my daughter will face while shuttling between two homes as part of a 50-50 custody arrangement.

You're doing better than my divorce.  Mine was a two year divorce with police visits, child agency involvement and many allegations.  I also started with only alternate weekends until the divorce's final decree.  So while starting with equal time is fantastic, you as the reasonably normal parent need to seek the most authority (if possible) in custody.  And parenting time too.

For example, even though the lawyers insisted it didn't mean anything, my sole condition to agree with the Custody Evaluator's wish for (equal) Shared Parenting was that I would be the "residential parent" (responsibility) for school purposes.  Our child would go to schools in my area.  One of us parents had to be assigned that responsibility and I didn't want to be whipsawed by an ex who moved around or even move away with our child.  I knew I was far more stable and that also made me the better parent for school contact.  It was one of the best decisions I made back then.

As for feeling of guilt, you as the reasonably normal parent have to step forward.  It is what it is.  You do what you have to do.  You didn't want the marriage's failure, none of us here wanted that either, but you have to accept the reality.  We all also accepted that our guilt was minimal or at least less our fault than the spouse's own greater issues and misbehavior.

There are some things you'll just have to learn to "Let Go", "I did what I reasonably could" and "Move On".

[Cat Familiar]

As ForeverDad said, none of us wanted the marriage to fail. If we did, we likely wouldn’t be posting here.

I’ve been married to two husbands with BPD. The first marriage I hung in far too long. Overall it never got better. And I finally realized it wouldn’t and cut my losses.

My current marriage, though immeasurably better than the first, is still no bed of roses. However, with what I’ve learned here, I’ve improved the way I respond and for the most part, things are good, tolerable at worst, even though my husband had a stroke a few months ago and caregiving is not my forte. Surprisingly he’s not been more difficult than usual (at least emotionally) considering he’s dealing with a significant physical disability, which is partially resolving but may never fully heal.

There are no medals given for staying in awful situations when one has the opportunity to exit and discover a better way to live. Kudos to you for recognizing that your child may have a much healthier childhood by having at least one home situation that is emotionally healthy.

[SaltyDawg]

I hope some of you can offer your perspectives and how to manage the guilt and also on how to communicate with ex-spouses with BPD in a healthy way.

Managing 'guilt' - that's a biggie and the more difficult question to answer of the two you have posed.  There will always be some guilt in letting go such a passionate relationship that had so much potential to be good.  However, do remain focused on all of the bad stuff which caused you to divorce in the first place in order to prevent the guilt from overwhelming you - there is a reason for your actions and it is the bad stuff she did, while leaving the good stuff she did will induce guilt.  Also, listen to your family on how this relationship has negatively affected you as well.  Make sure you forgive her actions, as they are likely not intentional but done as coping mechanisms to her own hurt.

How to communicate - that is the easier of the two questions to answer.  However, it too is unnatural, and must be learned.  There are several communication methods to use, depending on your interaction with her.  There is BIFF, SET, DEARMAN among others.  Specifics on these communication methods as well as a tremendous amount of other useful informations can be found at https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329744.0

I also wonder at times if her BPD is not necessarily as severe as some other cases (culture plays a role, e.g. no alcohol use) and that I am abandoning her in her time of need. She has also made conditional threats of hurting herself if I do not reverse the divorce proceedings and I struggle with my decision and its consequences.

BPD exists on a spectrum from mild to severe, and mathematically can present itself in over 200 different ways on top of the mild to severe spectrum, each case is different in how they present and can co-exist with other conditions such as bipolar in your situation.  You mentioned culture, I would prefer to call it a 'moral compass' and I too believe that it plays a role in how BPD presents [use of alcohol, sex, drugs, etc.] the more religious [conservative] a relationship is, the more conservative the manifestation [presentation] of the mental health illness.

You use the word 'abandonment' and that is the core symptom of the borderline - "fear of abandonment".  Her threats to do self harm [a symptom of BPD in itself] stems from her "fear of abandonment" which you are provided in the mechanism of 'divorce proceedings'.  It is an unfair manipulation tactic being employed by her to do this to you; however, it is the only way she sees to reverse the 'abandonment' that you are doing to her.  She probably does not realize that her threat of being crazy and irrational of cutting herself is a self-fulfilling prophecy of actually encouraging you to leave the relationship with her.

Check with your divorce attorney in your part of the world if you could gain full custody of your child if she were to 'self harm' and 'cut herself'?  A mother's love for the child is often a lot stronger than her love for a spouse - I know that is the case with my wife - this is how I was able to make my wife become partially self-aware.  Perhaps you can legally exploit her fear of abandonment [of her child] against her as a similar manipulation [coercion] strategy against her, that she is already using against you, to prevent her from doing self harm? 

A belated welcome to the BPD Family.  If you have questions, please feel free to ask.  Vent your frustrations. Sorry you are here for the same reasons we are all here together from all walks of life.

I will wrap this up, with my number one piece of advice, and that is to do 'self-care' - make sure it includes individual therapy for yourself, exercise outdoors [as simple as a walk], among other activities that you enjoy doing to recharge your spirit.

Take care.

[Emaanbillah]

Thank you ForeverDad, Cat familiar and SaltyDawg for your responses.

To provide context, I had essentially demanded supervised parenting time in the beginning of divorce proceedings and we have come towards shared custody over the period of the past year and a half of divorce proceedings.

@saltydawg: I tried utilizing her love for our daughter to discourage her from suicide attempts after her first serious suicide attempt. Now she is threatening to run out of my and our daughter's life forever if I do not reverse the divorce. I do not know if that is a veiled threat of suicide or of abandonment. In any case, all I was able to do was try to empathize with her grief over the end of relationship and empower her with the choice of co-parenting vs abandonment and remind her that I will always take care of our daughter. I continue to remain conflicted on whether to work hard towards maintaining her involvement in our child's life.

I am still trying to process and work on the communication resources that you shared.

Also the guilt feels like the grief upon a loved ones loss. It comes in waves and really hits me hard when I am already reeling from the challenge of trying to be empathic yet distancing myself from dBPDw.

[ForeverDad]

Even if you have negotiated some sort of equal time (50-50) parenting schedule — on paper — the actual percentage of parenting over the years to come will likely be different.

On the one hand, if you currently do most of the parenting chores now, then likely you will eventually end up with something similar in the future.  Many people with BPD (pwBPD) do have a "comfort zone" and likely she will eventually return to it once the divorce process is complete and she relaxes from maintaining a "public face".

On the other hand, if she is very possessive of "her" child (as mine was) then she may not change for the better after the divorce is completed.  You will need every custody tool set up to help you maintain some reasonable outcome when disagreement arise.

For example, does your court recognize "Decision Making" or "Tie Breaker status" when 50-50 is set up?  What that does is avoid a months-long stalemate when you to disagree on something.  If you as the reasonably normal parent have DM or TB status then you can proceed with your decision.  If she still disagrees, then it is she who would have to involve a mediator, parenting coordinator or family court to contest your decision.

Does that make sense?  Your lawyer ought to be familiar with those concepts.  The problem is that often mothers are by default assigned as the preferred parent.  And not all mothers are reasonably normal people.  (Neither are all fathers reasonably normal people.)

[Turkish]

We are currently in almost the final stages of divorce proceedings, however I find myself facing a lot of guilt over ending the relationship and over the challenges that my daughter will face while shuttling between two homes as part of a 50-50 custody arrangement. I also wonder at times if her BPD is not necessarily as severe as some other cases (culture plays a role, e.g. no alcohol use)

The majority of cases here on the romantic relationship boards are sub-clinical, yet there are other factors. Unlike your wife Dx'd with BPD, the mother of our children is just diagnosed with depression and anxiety. She also once told me that she thought she was on the autism spectrum. No substance abuse. In those cases, it tends to indeed be worse. In my case, there were also cultural issues.

My ex left when the kids were just turned 4 and 1 years old. Never underestimate that even apart that you can provide a stable home half of the time, and likely more.

[SaltyDawg]

Emaanbillah,

@saltydawg: I tried utilizing her love for our daughter to discourage her from suicide attempts after her first serious suicide attempt. Now she is threatening to run out of my and our daughter's life forever if I do not reverse the divorce. I do not know if that is a veiled threat of suicide or of abandonment. In any case, all I was able to do was try to empathize with her grief over the end of relationship and empower her with the choice of co-parenting vs abandonment and remind her that I will always take care of our daughter. I continue to remain conflicted on whether to work hard towards maintaining her involvement in our child's life.

There is a lot to unpack in that paragraph. 

First of foremost, you cannot control what your wife does, only she can do that.  You can only encourage her to be a part of your daughter's life - that is her choice alone.  You mentioned 'abandonment' twice, one in context vs her suicide threats and the other contrasting being a co-parent or not.  The fear of 'Abandonment' is the central theme and the first listed symptom of being borderline - I personally think she is doing her best to project that fear of abandonment on to you in both instances.

You mentioned that your daughter is 'very young', if less than 5-7 in age, strongly consider her abandonment by her mother in a more positive light.  Your daughter will not remember much before this age [how much do you remember of your own childhood at this age?]  and children are very resilient.  Your daughter will not be exposed to her negativity, even though your wish for her to be a part of your daughter's life is full of good intentions it may not be the wisest thing to do.  Use your wise mind to help you figure this out.  For more information on 'wise mind' go to the menu bar above and click 'tools', there you should see a link for 'wise mind'.

I know my own desire to keep my family together is hurting my children emotionally; however, if I also divorce, and my wife gets custody it will hurt the children even more.

Regarding the threats of suicide, you should do an informal 'threat assessment' on how serious she is about killing herself.  Most borderlines really don't want to kill themselves; however, they see no other way to manipulate their partner, so they are doing the most extreme thing they can think of to manipulate you.  I know that was the case for me.

I could help you with your threat assessment if you can answer these questions in the order given [you may stop after answering the first 'yes' answer]:  Has she ever actually tried to commit suicide in front of you?  If yes, can you share the specifics?  If not, has she expressed how she might do it?  If yes, can you share those specifics?  If not, then ask her to see how far she has thought this out?  Can you share those specifics?  If she has not thought it through -- this is the best case for your scenario if she has done no planning at all.  You need to gauge how serious she is about following through her ideation.  Basically perform a 'threat assessment' on how serious she has thought this through. I am also simultaneously helping out another at https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=355044 under a similar set, yet different set of circumstances which you may wish to read.


I am still trying to process and work on the communication resources that you shared.

Me too, and I have been at it since last summer.  It is like learning a foreign language, and it is so inefficient in getting a point across so you do not 'hurt their feelings' in order to reduce the chance that you will trigger them into a rage.  A simple sentence to a normal person needs to be translated into a whole paragraph so you don't hurt their feelings.  Only practice on what works and doesn't work will you ever learn those communication skills.  When I don't know what to do I have simplified it down to the following:  Use "I" pronouns only when speaking, avoid the words 'you', 'but', 'however' or anything that could be perceived as critical.


Also the guilt feels like the grief upon a loved ones loss. It comes in waves and really hits me hard when I am already reeling from the challenge of trying to be empathic yet distancing myself from dBPDw.

I believe what you are describing is the 'trauma bond' that forms when you are being held hostage in your own home by the person who is your wife "while facing the constant criticisms, blaming and blackmailing" as you so eloquently put it - it is formally known as 'stockholm syndrome'.

More information can be found here on the 'trauma bond'.

Signs/symptoms:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=229693.0

Treating:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=327131.0


To provide context, I had essentially demanded supervised parenting time in the beginning of divorce proceedings and we have come towards shared custody over the period of the past year and a half of divorce proceedings.

I want to circle back to this statement that you made first in your post, so I moved it to the end.  There must be a reason you 'demanded' supervised parenting time - I am presuming because of her behaviors.  Like Forever Dad indicated, there is a strong possibility that you will become the primary caregiver.  Even in my wife's extended family dynamic there is this precedent.  My BIL [brother in law] who possibly had an uBPDw when he divorced her, agreed to 50/50 custody; however, the mother was nowhere to be found after the divorce, he wound up with 100/0 custody for most of his daughter's life.  However, the mother did come back in when she was around +/-16 yo; however, the 50/50 custody only lasted for a few months, and went back to 100/0 before the daughter moved out of the home with her own family.  Even though you are seeking 50/50 custody, be prepared for full custody.  I personally have seen this dynamic repeat itself over and over again, and I am sure others can attest to as well.

Take care of yourself with self-care.

[Emaanbillah]

Even if you have negotiated some sort of equal time (50-50) parenting schedule — on paper — the actual percentage of parenting over the years to come will likely be different.

For example, does your court recognize "Decision Making" or "Tie Breaker status" when 50-50 is set up?  What that does is avoid a months-long stalemate when you to disagree on something.  If you as the reasonably normal parent have DM or TB status then you can proceed with your decision.  If she still disagrees, then it is she who would have to involve a mediator, parenting coordinator or family court to contest your decision.

I had been pushing for tiebreaker status, however she kept refusing, until I was to the point of bankruptcy with lawyer retainer fees. I had to seek family's financial help in just finalizing a custody agreement.

@saltydawg and @foreverDad
I understand that the reality of physical custody might be very different going forward. Infact, I feel fine with getting full custody, it is the uncertainty/going back and forth that is difficult.

Thank you SaltyDawg for reframing the perspective of my dBPDw not being in my daughter's life.

For what it is worth, she is in the hospital for now, and it is tragic that that is the time when I feel secure for our daughter, myself and her.

I will continue to work on self-care, though after being enmeshed in a marriage for so long, it almost feels like a foreign concept to do something for myself without considering for others.

[SaltyDawg]

For what it is worth, she is in the hospital for now, and it is tragic that that is the time when I feel secure for our daughter, myself and her.

Why is she in the hospital?  Did she attempt a suicide or some other reason?  If it is for suicide and/or a mental health reason, you could leverage this information with your attorney for obtaining 'tiebreaker status'?

I too find when my wife is not present it is much calmer for myself, and my children too.  Enjoy the peace and the respite from the lack of conflict.


I will continue to work on self-care, though after being enmeshed in a marriage for so long, it almost feels like a foreign concept to do something for myself without considering for others.

'Self-Care' does feel foreign, until you actually do it, and to me it was like I could see for the first time - it was that profound.

Self care can be compared when you are on an aircraft in distress [BPD relationship], and the oxygen masks have dropped from the overhead compartment.  You are instructed to put your own oxygen mask on first [self care] before placing an oxygen mask on your child [care for others] and even your wife [also, care for others].  If you don't put on your mask first, and your wife is fighting you for you to put her mask on while you are not wearing a mask, you will eventually succumb not not getting enough oxygen while trying to save your wife first.

Self-care does not replace care for others.  'self-care' sounds counterintuitive in helping others; however, I find it actually helps me do more care for others.

For me I would dump, and dump, and dump my effort into caring for my wife and family until there was nothing left for me, and not enough for them.  Self-care will recharge your spiritual energy, physical energy, emotional energy and give you enough energy to care not only for yourself, but your loved ones too.

What self-care looks like for me.  My top three are 1.  Exercise for 1-2 hours, 2-3x per week outside with the sun and wind on my face - no gym membership required.  2.  Nice long hot shower to wash my pain away.  3.  Lose myself in a good movie/tv show/book where I am transported to the world in the movie/show/book and I am distracted from the stark reality that I find myself in.

Google "self-care" for more ideas.

Self care, is something that you can do to make you happy, gives you energy.  I know it is difficult to do especially with a young child and/or limited finances; however, be creative in how you accomplish this.  Jogging stroller for exercise, or a walk/hike if your child is old enough.  Hot [or cold if you like that] shower while the child is sleeping or on a screen. 

Take care.

[ForeverDad]

For what it is worth, she is in the hospital for now, and it is tragic that that is the time when I feel secure for our daughter, myself and her.

If her hospitalization has anything to do with, or resulting from, mental health issues then I'll mention two thoughts.

(1) Do not hide or minimize mental heath issues.  Courts and lawyers can't give you a decent outcome if they don't have relevant information.

Also beware of her later hiding mental health related incidents.  Or you 'helping' to hide them or delete your copies.  Add them to your private log or journal since dates and other details are important to elevate later potentially vague "he-said, she-said" claims from being viewed as easily ignored hearsay to better status as actual documentation.  Vague versus specific makes a huge difference.

(2) A mental health incident, such as a hospitalization, may give you the Leverage to get the Decision Making you previously sought.

This reminds me of my own two year divorce where my spouse sabotaged the process every step of the way.  Unknown to me at the time, when I arrived at court on Trial Day her lawyer had warned her she would likely lose if we went to trial.  Everyone including our Custody Evaluator wanted a settlement.  We already knew the CE recommended we start with equal Shared Parenting (which predictably failed within a couple years).  I made one stipulation ... that I would be the Residential Parent for School Purposes or else we would start the trial.  Both lawyers insisted it meant nothing.  Nothing!  Eventually she caved.  And it did make a difference, the next month after the final decree was issued, her school gave me one day to register our kindergartner in my district.  If I didn't have that stipulation then her school would have been stuck with her.

I know you're trying to limit the legal expenses, as I was too, but I was facing trial anyway and my brinkmanship was my approach to get an almost invisible advantage.

[Turkish]

Add them to your private log or journal since dates and other details are important to elevate later potentially vague "he-said, she-said" claims from being viewed as easily ignored hearsay to better status as actual documentation.  Vague versus specific makes a huge difference.

Multiple professionals told me that private logs or journals were admissible in court as evidence. Back date as necessary (but don't record that).  Stick to the facts. Hopefully it won't come to that. Hope for the best, plan for the worst.