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Author Topic: College-age daughter stuck in a dark hole  (Read 145 times)
Fewer than 3 Posts
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 1

« on: March 01, 2023, 12:03:23 PM »

Our daughter was diagnosed a few months ago, but we see now that she's had this since HS. She lives in an apartment by herself at school as she cannot keep a roommate. We looked for a facility near her that she could have DBT  however they all had very long waiting lists. She willingly went to residential facility over the holidays but insurance had her discharged after only 3 weeks. She went back to school and fell into a downward spiral. Her therapist dumped her for noncompliance with appts. She has started cutting again, rarely leaves her apartment, orders food to be delivered, is not going to class, threatens suicide, etc. etc. etc.  We have given her options on what she can do to help herself: 1) Enter residential treatment again at the one place that takes our insurance 2) Enter intensive outpatient DBT or 3) At least call her psychiatrist. Waiting to hear what she decides if at all. Feeling pretty stuck.
Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 2353

« Reply #1 on: March 02, 2023, 10:23:59 AM »

Hi Emory64, welcome to the group  Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

Glad we can be here for you and your family, as you all navigate your D's new diagnosis.

Is she accepting of the diagnosis?

How old is your D? Late teens to mid 20s can be challenging -- you're still responsible for insurance and covering a lot of costs, yet your child is "technically" an adult who can accept or refuse treatment, without your consent. So difficult.

It's hopeful to hear that she willingly went to residential -- am I tracking with you that the only reason she had to leave was insurance, and other than that, she would have stayed longer?

Another thought I'm having is that I remember being 18/19 and my parents told me I had to go back to an IOP (for an eating disorder). It never really crossed my mind that legally I could say No -- my perception was "if they told me I had to, then I had to" but I wasn't happy about it. What's the sense you get from your D -- has she cognitively processed that she could technically say No, or does she seem to be more the kind who would be unhappy about being "forced" to go, but would go?

Waiting to hear back from her sounds anxiety inducing. Any word yet -- is she engaging with any of those options?

Let us know how you all are doing, whenever works for you;


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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 1514

« Reply #2 on: March 19, 2023, 01:33:08 AM »

Welcome Emory64,

Sorry to hear about your daughters struggle, this must be difficult for you too. But so long as she knows you're there for her and is aware of all the places she can reach out to. If she liked the residential facility , are there similar places , charities etc...?  School can be difficult if someone gets sensory overload or struggles socially. Are there clubs with like minded people she can join ? Expert patient groups ? Art classes can be good for depression.


Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. Wilde.
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married but Separated
Posts: 210

« Reply #3 on: March 19, 2023, 08:23:28 AM »

This may or may not help, but with our daughter we eventually learned that if we felt like she was a threat to herself or others, we dialed 9-1-1.  If she came out of a treatment facility and mentioned anything about being a threat to herself or others, we drove off the property and circled right back around to the ER.  Multiple therapists told us to do this.

As others have said, the late teens/early 20's is often the worst- it definitely was for our family.  And it does sound like your kid wants help, so that's a very good thing.  Talk to your doctors (primary care, etc.) and learn how to play the game with insurance, with facilities, with hospitals, etc.  Mental health care in the US is horrendous and it's not taken seriously, so you HAVE TO know the ins and outs.

One final thing.  We knew our daughter was "off" very early in life- by the time she was 8, I knew.  She was unofficially diagnosed at maybe 14, officially diagnosed at 18, and put us through a decade of complete hell (suicide attempts, running away, making bad decisions, making the worst possible friends, etc).  Yet at 24, my kid is mostly stable and living a productive life in a good relationship. So know that there is hope in time and part of that for your kid is just maturity and growing up.
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