How do you stop blaming/doubting yourself when falsely accused?

[Ann Jones]

I recently realized that my adult child, a daughter, has BPD. Even though I am now aware of the reasons she flares up with anger and false accusations directed towards me, I am finding it hard to switch over from intense paranoia that I did something wrong to her, to instead having compasion for her for all the anger/pain that she carries because of BPD making her act out. Any tips on how to more quickly pull my mind away from self-doubt/guilt?  Thank you in advance.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Ann Jones and thanks for posting. It started me thinking on my own journey regarding what you mention.

Looking back, I realise that it is natural to feel guilt/empathy for a loved bpd child. There is intense emotion and pain and as a parent you want to resolve that pain somehow. When you are accused of being the cause of the pain, it is normal to feel terrible - no one wants to cause another intense pain and anguish, let alone doing this to a loved child.

The other side of the coin is also natural - feeling sad that dd is caught up in experiencing all these intense, negative emotions.

I think the turning point for me was the realising that all this was about 'emotions' and there didn't seem to be any place or possibility of looking at things rationally.

When we get caught up in the emotional whirlwind, we can't actually be helpful in any way. So I started to 'greystone rock' and not enter into these emotional turmoil by responding to blaming, abuse etc.

Nowadays I see the blaming and awful - at times - abuse as dd's way of unloading the build up of intense emotions. For a long time I couldn't understand the blaming - why blame me for everything?

Then it seemed to me that it was too painful for her to accept that she can't hold these emotions and deal with them herself. I think some BPD folk can learn to do that but my dd is quite low functioning.

I am not sure that this is a helpful response - but perhaps if/when it happens you could just remind yourself that emotions need to pass before anything can be dealt with or sorted (or just let pass).

Finding something that helps you de-escalate your own emotions would be good. I put my mind to something quite simple eg I might look up a recipe for banana bread on my computer, or go outside and walk up and down for 200 steps.

It is not easy but if you can find a way and stick to it, it does work in the long run.

[Sancho]

PS you probably have come across the mantra 'I didn't cause this, I can't control it, I can't cure it' - the 3 C's

I found this really helpful to go over and over in my mind that this is the reality of the situation.