Hello, everyone - I've been reading other posts for a bit today and finally decided to introduce myself.
My 18 yr old dtr began showing signs of BPD around 13 with self-harming behaviors and a suicide attempt after taking her PRN anxiety medication out of my purse and ingesting all of it. She then spent the evening texting friends of hers to tell them she was "sick"; we found this later in her phone and it was heartbreaking to see that no one responded. She told me she wasn't feeling well and I had her set up on the couch with snacks, fluids, and an all day free pass to do nothing but play video games if she chose - until I found the empty bottle in my purse. I asked if she took them, she confirmed, and we were off to the ER, where a social worker filed a 51A for neglect due to her being able to get the pills from my purse - and thus began my nightmare.
Due to the suicide attempt, DCF felt that it was appropriate to open a case. By the time this happened, I already had her in family therapy w myself, my partner, and her two brothers (they are triplets) as well as individual therapy due to the previous self-harming behaviors. DCF did not require any other services as I already had things in place. Being a clinical social worker who worked w children, this open case severely affected my job; I was told that if the case did not close, I may be at risk of being terminated despite abuse allegations not being supported (the case was opened "due to concern" for self harm/suicide rather than a supported investigative conclusion of abuse). We were able to have the case closed and she continued therapy, and we replaced family work w just her and I attending group and individual DBT. Sadly, she only seemed to be learning better ways to maintain a victim narrative. Her self-destructive behavior continued to escalate and I was always the monster in her narrative, especially after we had to pull her from a performing arts school that gave the kids zero boundaries and seemed to be making things worse at home as a result - she felt free to do as she pleased there and railed against boundaries at home. Her brothers told us that she had sworn to them that she would "get me" for that.
When she was 15, as my partner and I were getting ready to leave for a badly needed vacation, we heard screaming from downstairs and found her standing over one of her brothers and holding his phone as she kicked him on the ground. I grabbed her away from him and (to my never ending shame) hit her, and asked her when she was going to stop this madness (my actual word for it was not as polite, again, cringe). The next morning, as my partner and I flew to PR, my dtr walked into the school counselor's office and told them that her mother "beat her up" the night before and then "left them" for vacation. I never even knew this happened until DCF called me - a month later. At this point, my job was going to be at risk (again) and my clinical director told me that I needed to consider residential treatment. When I asked our DCF worker about this, he stated "If she isn't living here, her brothers can't either". I was at a loss. I asked her father in another state to please consider taking her as I was without options, and I was desperate. Our home was pure chaos, every day and night. We were constantly afraid of her hurting her brothers or burning down our home. We had come home to find a dead squirrel boiling in a pot (I'm not kidding) bc she "wanted to use the bones for drawing" - she is an incredibly gifted artist, but this was a bit much. She had covered our coffee table in hand sanitizer and lit it on fire "just to see". She had been caught putting her own urine into spray bottles to do God knows what with. She had been caught shining a laser light into an elderly neighbor's home - I only found out when the poor woman came over to tell me that she'd already had a stroke and needed my child to stop with the laser beams. This is just a sample of the things that had gone on over the years, but it had been heartbreaking to me to have to consider not having her live with us anymore - and I ended up having to do exactly that.
Living with Dad didn't last very long (I can't say I blame her - again, I regret even having to make that decision) and she now lives with adults that she has befriended. We are on very fragile terms and most of the time she ignores my attempts to reach out. The narrative that her "new family" has is that I am a monster who "threw her away". I have made many mistakes, and I have owned that to her repeatedly. I don't expect any forgiveness but I also won't deal with continued abuse, which is what typically happens when we see each other.
If you've read this far, thank you. It is extremely difficult to find support as a parent of a child w a PD, mostly (I think) due to the assumptions that the parent caused it and deserves no sympathy. I do think that I contributed in some ways. I also think it's extremely complicated and never singularly caused.
In any case, I'm a mom who is grieving that sweet, hilarious little kid with a giant smile and an infectious laugh who used to love any activity that meant we were together. I do hope that she lets me back in someday, but I also know it may not be in the cards.
Thank you for reading
M
