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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: Unexpected Validation- It helps  (Read 658 times)
jaded7
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« on: March 02, 2023, 06:15:26 PM »

Hi All,

I've been on the boards for 3 years now, and am slowly working my way back to myself. It's been SO hard. I was so in love, so eager to do anything for her, felt so happy and looked forward to the future, was attached to her family (Mom, Dad, sister) and son...it felt like the best thing ever.

But of course all the things started to happen- yelling, name-calling, pointing finger in my face when angry, pulling violently off the road (driving MY car!) and threatening to make me walk miles in the rain and dark in a rural, mountainous part of the state I didn't know...you know the routine, I've written about it here many times.

I've been completely isolated and alone since it happened, and I had to shut down my business 4 weeks after she angrily and abusively ended it (due to COVID), a business I'd built an amazing community with and went in to every day for 7 years, a business I was proud of and work that was meaningful to me, and many, many others ("stupid spin class", in her words; I "sit around all day at coffee shops doing nothing").

So all alone, not knowing how to make sense of this, feeling REALLY bad about myself due to all the put-downs and names she called me, the massive gaslighting and ghosting.

BUT...by chance, a good friend of her sister was a great client of mine, came to my business many years and loved me and the business. It was so strange, and to my mind and the time, just a lovely confirmation from the universe that this customer of mine knew the sister of the love of my life! The sister and I spent several weekends together at the family place and I really enjoyed her company. When I left the first time to come home she gave me a hug and said "I really like you, it was great spending time with you".

This customer and I never really talked about my gf or my gf's sister, we had our own relationship and enjoyed each other's company at the business and would get coffee together now and then. She owned her own business here in town (4 locations) and we'd do co-promotions together, she'd bring me gift cards. It was nice.

This customer became friends with some of my employees (this was very common in our community with all the different employees- everybody loved the community and each other----this made me very happy).

My employees and I are still quite close, we communicate, get coffee, text quite frequently since I closed. A couple a weeks ago I went to one of their house to help her pick out a vintage stereo system, set it up, and clean some records. We had a nice time.

When I was getting ready to leave, she asked me if she could tell me something. I said sure, you can tell me anything. She said

"________ (my ex's sister) told ___________ (my customer, her friend) that "she was really worried about ______(me) because ______ (my ex) is NOT a good person, not a nice person." That customer told my employee, apparently because that made her concerned about my well-being.

When my old employee told me this, I had to sit down. I cried, asked her to repeat it, sat there not able to grasp what I was hearing. Someone other than me, who knew her really well (her sister) said that she was not a good/nice person...implying she was dangerous.

SOMEONE, other than me, who KNEW her WELL; someone who knew ME fairly well was saying she's not a good person. I have spent 2.5 years thinking I'M the BAD PERSON, because that's what my ex told me I was. And nobody I knew had ever seen any of the treatment she dished out to me. I was alone in my head for so long.

Did I mention that my ex told me that an old boyfriend of hers died by suicide "after a fight". I know what these so-called "fights' are like----vicious attacks on my character, endless lists of how I have failed her, failed at other things, don't work hard, have bad taste in everything, eat sh*tty foods, am a sh*tty driver, etc. etc. They are very painful.
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Morten

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« Reply #1 on: March 02, 2023, 11:24:16 PM »

Hi All,

I've been on the boards for 3 years now, and am slowly working my way back to myself. It's been SO hard. I was so in love, so eager to do anything for her, felt so happy and looked forward to the future, was attached to her family (Mom, Dad, sister) and son...it felt like the best thing ever.

But of course all the things started to happen- yelling, name-calling, pointing finger in my face when angry, pulling violently off the road (driving MY car!) and threatening to make me walk miles in the rain and dark in a rural, mountainous part of the state I didn't know...you know the routine, I've written about it here many times.

I've been completely isolated and alone since it happened, and I had to shut down my business 4 weeks after she angrily and abusively ended it (due to COVID), a business I'd built an amazing community with and went in to every day for 7 years, a business I was proud of and work that was meaningful to me, and many, many others ("stupid spin class", in her words; I "sit around all day at coffee shops doing nothing").

So all alone, not knowing how to make sense of this, feeling REALLY bad about myself due to all the put-downs and names she called me, the massive gaslighting and ghosting.

BUT...by chance, a good friend of her sister was a great client of mine, came to my business many years and loved me and the business. It was so strange, and to my mind and the time, just a lovely confirmation from the universe that this customer of mine knew the sister of the love of my life! The sister and I spent several weekends together at the family place and I really enjoyed her company. When I left the first time to come home she gave me a hug and said "I really like you, it was great spending time with you".

This customer and I never really talked about my gf or my gf's sister, we had our own relationship and enjoyed each other's company at the business and would get coffee together now and then. She owned her own business here in town (4 locations) and we'd do co-promotions together, she'd bring me gift cards. It was nice.

This customer became friends with some of my employees (this was very common in our community with all the different employees- everybody loved the community and each other----this made me very happy).

My employees and I are still quite close, we communicate, get coffee, text quite frequently since I closed. A couple a weeks ago I went to one of their house to help her pick out a vintage stereo system, set it up, and clean some records. We had a nice time.

When I was getting ready to leave, she asked me if she could tell me something. I said sure, you can tell me anything. She said

"________ (my ex's sister) told ___________ (my customer, her friend) that "she was really worried about ______(me) because ______ (my ex) is NOT a good person, not a nice person." That customer told my employee, apparently because that made her concerned about my well-being.

When my old employee told me this, I had to sit down. I cried, asked her to repeat it, sat there not able to grasp what I was hearing. Someone other than me, who knew her really well (her sister) said that she was not a good/nice person...implying she was dangerous.

SOMEONE, other than me, who KNEW her WELL; someone who knew ME fairly well was saying she's not a good person. I have spent 2.5 years thinking I'M the BAD PERSON, because that's what my ex told me I was. And nobody I knew had ever seen any of the treatment she dished out to me. I was alone in my head for so long.

Did I mention that my ex told me that an old boyfriend of hers died by suicide "after a fight". I know what these so-called "fights' are like----vicious attacks on my character, endless lists of how I have failed her, failed at other things, don't work hard, have bad taste in everything, eat sh*tty foods, am a sh*tty driver, etc. etc. They are very painful.

I experienced something similar some months ago. I  was still friends (and still am) with some of my ex'es friends from her home country. Close friends of hers. I sent one these friends a message on messenger and we ended up talking a lot, and building a closer friendship ourselves.
The reason why I reached out to one of them, was because this specific friend had just published a book, and since I write stories too, I contacted this woman, to get some tricks and the likes. After a few messages she started talking about my ex and our breakup, and stated she had felt very sorry for me, for the things my ex said about me. This friend couldnt connect the words of my ex, with how she saw me (I have met this friend even though we live in different countries), and she felt that my ex was out of line. This friend doesnt know about the BPD, but she actually wrote me, that she felt like my ex had changed personality when talking about me.
It did help me a bit, but it helped even more, to build a friendship with her.
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jaded7
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« Reply #2 on: March 03, 2023, 11:55:49 AM »

I experienced something similar some months ago. I  was still friends (and still am) with some of my ex'es friends from her home country. Close friends of hers. I sent one these friends a message on messenger and we ended up talking a lot, and building a closer friendship ourselves.
The reason why I reached out to one of them, was because this specific friend had just published a book, and since I write stories too, I contacted this woman, to get some tricks and the likes. After a few messages she started talking about my ex and our breakup, and stated she had felt very sorry for me, for the things my ex said about me. This friend couldnt connect the words of my ex, with how she saw me (I have met this friend even though we live in different countries), and she felt that my ex was out of line. This friend doesnt know about the BPD, but she actually wrote me, that she felt like my ex had changed personality when talking about me.
It did help me a bit, but it helped even more, to build a friendship with her.

That's a nice story, and similar to mine in that we were able to get validation that we aren't the crazy ones, we aren't bad people.

When other people are worried about you and feel sorry for you, it is a sign!

It's also a little embarrassing. But I don't feel shame now, although I did. I know that I'm a kind and good person. I know that I tried to be there for her in any way. I know these things.

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Pook075
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« Reply #3 on: March 03, 2023, 12:16:40 PM »

I think that's what all of us hope for- people realizing that we weren't the monsters we're portrayed to be.  I'm not expecting to ever get that from my ex, but most of her family does still think highly of me.  I accepted that as a win and moved on.

I had that validation up front though, since my ex's two brothers both said right away, "You're acting exactly like <our diagnosed BPD daughter>".  So while they don't necessarily know she's BPD, they understand that she was throwing the marriage away over basically nothing.  That did help me a lot.  My BPD kid also sees it so I have her in my corner as well; both to understand what happened and to let me vent about it.
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Red5
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« Reply #4 on: March 03, 2023, 02:04:00 PM »

Afternoon jade,

#validation,

My wife (u/bpd-npd) has been gone now for 4.3 years, ... as I read here, so many many many; personal accounts of the constant gas-lighting, projections, and outright psychological warfare perpetrated upon us (you-me-we).

We were told how worthlessly stupid, maybe mean, lazy & abusive we were to them...

blah blah 'ba-bla' blah blah ... and blah, ... (insert Charlie Browns Teacher speaking here)

Sometimes occurring over years and years ... a straight up mind ****.

We got emptied out, holed out, carved out, ... many of us (me) felt the bravo siera very personally, ... until we woke up.

So to hear, from someone else, who is not a 'flying monkey', but close, eg' a BIL, (or FOO  Paragraph header (click to insert in post)), or even her own adult kids, ... or maybe an email from her boss (bosses plural) that she left on this old computer, ... yeah, ... that is pretty wild, ...

My last example of 'validation' was; ... my son and I went down south to Ala. to see the new (step) grandchild, ... under the radar, "stealth", as we do not want to 'piss' her (wife u/bpd-npd) off, ... spent five days enroute, to & from, ... it was a great trip, ... got to see the step daughter, her H, and the most beautiful grand daughter, she is one yr. old now,

So while we were there, the 'stories' came forth, ... I just sat there at the kitchen counter with my coffee, and listened (stunned).

Turned out, during the last summer, udx wife traveled down there to Ala. to visit, also her son traveled there as well, with his wife, ... (continuing), ... during the the initial couple of hours of her arrival, she got bent out of shape over some inconsequential issue, was about who got there first, the day before (not her), and she got mad, dysregulated, and went after her son-in-law, and also her son's wife, *her daughter-in-law*, ... she went "high and right" ...

The end result, after an hours+ long 'kerfuffle', DIL called the cops (Sherriff)!

Wow ... yup, udx wife had traveled some 13+ hours, all the way down to Ala., to see her new baby grand daughter, and her son and daughter, and their spouses, ... and not even an hour in, she 'blew a gasket', ... to the point she was told to leave, and the Sherrif was summoned, ... whisky tango foxtrot!

I was floored, ... but wait, there is more ($19.99), ... I was also told, that the exact same scenario occurred the previous summer, but in reverse, they had all traveled up here (13+ hours) to see her; in her home (she bought a house after we separated), ... same thing, she went "high-order", ... over some BS reason, ... and they all pulled chocks and left ... wow : (

Isn't that something, ... yup & wow ... so me, being the constant 'joker' ... told my (step) Daughter as she relayed this unbelievable story, ... I said ... "hey now!, *her name*, that is a 'union job', ... that's MY job, ... to piss her off, that's not your job, ... why you coming in on my action"  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)... she laughed Virtual hug (click to insert in post), which was my aim, ... you HAVE to be able to laugh at all this, ...

So you see, they have to have that 'supply', ... if it ain't us (you-me-we), it WILL be somebody else, ... trauma drama & chaos, ... it is like "coca-cola" to them!

*As they age, they get worse* (imho), ... yeah, she has been gone from here 4.3 years, and she is still full on "active" in causing chaos, ...

There is the validation, ... it was never us (you-we-me), ... nope.

~Red
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“We are so used to our own history, we do not see it as remarkable or out of the ordinary, whereas others might see it as horrendous. Further, we tend to minimize that which we feel shameful about.” {Quote} Patrick J. Carnes / author,
capecodling
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« Reply #5 on: March 04, 2023, 04:45:46 PM »

Hi All,

I've been on the boards for 3 years now, and am slowly working my way back to myself. It's been SO hard. I was so in love, so eager to do anything for her, felt so happy and looked forward to the future, was attached to her family (Mom, Dad, sister) and son...it felt like the best thing ever.

But of course all the things started to happen- yelling, name-calling, pointing finger in my face when angry, pulling violently off the road (driving MY car!) and threatening to make me walk miles in the rain and dark in a rural, mountainous part of the state I didn't know...you know the routine, I've written about it here many times.

I've been completely isolated and alone since it happened, and I had to shut down my business 4 weeks after she angrily and abusively ended it (due to COVID), a business I'd built an amazing community with and went in to every day for 7 years, a business I was proud of and work that was meaningful to me, and many, many others ("stupid spin class", in her words; I "sit around all day at coffee shops doing nothing").

So all alone, not knowing how to make sense of this, feeling REALLY bad about myself due to all the put-downs and names she called me, the massive gaslighting and ghosting.

BUT...by chance, a good friend of her sister was a great client of mine, came to my business many years and loved me and the business. It was so strange, and to my mind and the time, just a lovely confirmation from the universe that this customer of mine knew the sister of the love of my life! The sister and I spent several weekends together at the family place and I really enjoyed her company. When I left the first time to come home she gave me a hug and said "I really like you, it was great spending time with you".

This customer and I never really talked about my gf or my gf's sister, we had our own relationship and enjoyed each other's company at the business and would get coffee together now and then. She owned her own business here in town (4 locations) and we'd do co-promotions together, she'd bring me gift cards. It was nice.

This customer became friends with some of my employees (this was very common in our community with all the different employees- everybody loved the community and each other----this made me very happy).

My employees and I are still quite close, we communicate, get coffee, text quite frequently since I closed. A couple a weeks ago I went to one of their house to help her pick out a vintage stereo system, set it up, and clean some records. We had a nice time.

When I was getting ready to leave, she asked me if she could tell me something. I said sure, you can tell me anything. She said

"________ (my ex's sister) told ___________ (my customer, her friend) that "she was really worried about ______(me) because ______ (my ex) is NOT a good person, not a nice person." That customer told my employee, apparently because that made her concerned about my well-being.

When my old employee told me this, I had to sit down. I cried, asked her to repeat it, sat there not able to grasp what I was hearing. Someone other than me, who knew her really well (her sister) said that she was not a good/nice person...implying she was dangerous.

SOMEONE, other than me, who KNEW her WELL; someone who knew ME fairly well was saying she's not a good person. I have spent 2.5 years thinking I'M the BAD PERSON, because that's what my ex told me I was. And nobody I knew had ever seen any of the treatment she dished out to me. I was alone in my head for so long.

Did I mention that my ex told me that an old boyfriend of hers died by suicide "after a fight". I know what these so-called "fights' are like----vicious attacks on my character, endless lists of how I have failed her, failed at other things, don't work hard, have bad taste in everything, eat sh*tty foods, am a sh*tty driver, etc. etc. They are very painful.

i’ve related a lot to your story. My second BPDX was very similar. She had an ex before me who had committed suicide after their break up. There was a mutual friend of ours, a guy I really respected, who never got involved in conflicts between people. I never heard him say a bad word about anybody having known him for many years and having worked together too. Anyways, one time we were chatting about some work stuff and somehow my ex came up, he said “she is not a nice person.  i don’t like to speak badly of anyone but she has a real mean streak and dark side” and then just continued our conversation normally.   It was a similar feeling to what you described.
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jaded7
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« Reply #6 on: March 04, 2023, 07:47:43 PM »

i’ve related a lot to your story. My second BPDX was very similar. She had an ex before me who had committed suicide after their break up. There was a mutual friend of ours, a guy I really respected, who never got involved in conflicts between people. I never heard him say a bad word about anybody having known him for many years and having worked together too. Anyways, one time we were chatting about some work stuff and somehow my ex came up, he said “she is not a nice person.  i don’t like to speak badly of anyone but she has a real mean streak and dark side” and then just continued our conversation normally.   It was a similar feeling to what you described.

I'm glad you got that too. It's so fascinating to me how someone else's input can be so helpful. I've had 2-3 therapists in the last 3 years. ALL of them said that "she is really abusive". The last one is one who specializes in recovery from abusive relationships, and she too said she was really abusive.

I related with 100% truth what my ex said, what she did. I know that. But I still don't trust myself fully. Maybe I'm misrespresenting what happened? Maybe I'm stretching the truth? Maybe they're just telling me that to make me feel better?

But this outside person- her own sister no less-said this about her, and was worried about my wellbeing. The person who grew up with her, who witnessed her previous relationships.

And furthermore, this person felt the need to tell my customer/client. Granted it was her friend from when she was a child, but she must have known it could get back to me. And my customer told my employee, knowing it might get back to me.

For some reason, this helps.
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« Reply #7 on: March 05, 2023, 11:42:21 AM »

Hi jaded7,
Thank you for your post, it is a very interesting topic and I also like to read about yours and other people's stories on the subject.


SOMEONE, other than me, who KNEW her WELL; someone who knew ME fairly well was saying she's not a good person. I have spent 2.5 years thinking I'M the BAD PERSON, because that's what my ex told me I was. And nobody I knew had ever seen any of the treatment she dished out to me. I was alone in my head for so long.


Unexpected validation happened to me too, and yes it felt good. It helped me validate I was not crazy or the bad person too.
In my case, not long before the breakup, one of our common friend told me my bpdex acted as if he was a victim and that he was clearly not. Another common friend told me my bpdex had talked to him about me as if I was "a project of his", "an experience" and that he was very disturbed to hear that (he almost cried sharing me this). I had a gut feeling about these things, since I was beginning to feel I was manipulated by my ex at that point. Having this external validation made me see things for what they were. Not so great. It makes the grieving easier.
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capecodling
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« Reply #8 on: March 05, 2023, 01:03:55 PM »

I'm glad you got that too. It's so fascinating to me how someone else's input can be so helpful. I've had 2-3 therapists in the last 3 years. ALL of them said that "she is really abusive". The last one is one who specializes in recovery from abusive relationships, and she too said she was really abusive.

I related with 100% truth what my ex said, what she did. I know that. But I still don't trust myself fully. Maybe I'm misrespresenting what happened? Maybe I'm stretching the truth? Maybe they're just telling me that to make me feel better?

But this outside person- her own sister no less-said this about her, and was worried about my wellbeing. The person who grew up with her, who witnessed her previous relationships.

And furthermore, this person felt the need to tell my customer/client. Granted it was her friend from when she was a child, but she must have known it could get back to me. And my customer told my employee, knowing it might get back to me.

For some reason, this helps.

Another form of validation also comes from within us too, even more important often than external validation is just look at how you are feeling.  Most of us have enough reference experience to know that when we are feeling the following things it is enough “validation” to know something is wrong:

1) Intense anxiety that we don’t normally experience in relationships

2) Feeling drained of energy around our ex but then longing for them in an unhealthy way when we’re not

3)Much higher frequency of colds, flus, and other ailments during relationship

4)Feeling in our gut that something is wrong

5) Seeing other areas of my life suddenly implode (career, friendships, family, finances)

Even if I was somehow the “bad one” (i’m not but lets pretend i was for a second) all of those signs still tell me i need to get out of the relationship and heal myself.  As long as you extract yourself and heal, you have chosen the correct answer for a toxic relationship.  Also the fact we tolerate mistreatment tells us we have healing to do, that part is 100% on us.
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jaded7
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« Reply #9 on: March 07, 2023, 09:07:35 PM »

i’ve related a lot to your story. My second BPDX was very similar. She had an ex before me who had committed suicide after their break up. There was a mutual friend of ours, a guy I really respected, who never got involved in conflicts between people. I never heard him say a bad word about anybody having known him for many years and having worked together too. Anyways, one time we were chatting about some work stuff and somehow my ex came up, he said “she is not a nice person.  i don’t like to speak badly of anyone but she has a real mean streak and dark side” and then just continued our conversation normally.   It was a similar feeling to what you described.

Thanks for sharing. People who never get involved in conflicts, don't say bad things about people...and they say "_____'s not a nice person." That takes a lot. And jus think how many other people are out there thinking the same thing
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jaded7
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« Reply #10 on: March 07, 2023, 09:11:25 PM »

Hi jaded7,
Thank you for your post, it is a very interesting topic and I also like to read about yours and other people's stories on the subject.

Unexpected validation happened to me too, and yes it felt good. It helped me validate I was not crazy or the bad person too.
In my case, not long before the breakup, one of our common friend told me my bpdex acted as if he was a victim and that he was clearly not. Another common friend told me my bpdex had talked to him about me as if I was "a project of his", "an experience" and that he was very disturbed to hear that (he almost cried sharing me this). I had a gut feeling about these things, since I was beginning to feel I was manipulated by my ex at that point. Having this external validation made me see things for what they were. Not so great. It makes the grieving easier.

The gut feeling is telling you something at that point. I had many many occasions of just plain 'weird' behavior that I simply could not explain, no matter how hard I tried to make sense of it. You might say then you should ask her, but at that point I was trained and conditioned to NOT ASK about anything she did. Even the hint of disapproval or me being hurt by her words or actions was met with strong DARVO and attacking me, calling me 'controlling' 'I need mental health help!' and 'you're too needy" and more. So I wouldn't ask about these things, believing my confusion about them meant I was mentally ill and needy...and so I didn't want to be that to her.
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Couscous
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« Reply #11 on: March 07, 2023, 09:35:08 PM »

Excerpt
I've had 2-3 therapists in the last 3 years. ALL of them said that "she is really abusive". The last one is one who specializes in recovery from abusive relationships, and she too said she was really abusive.

Wow…this blows my mind. So 3 therapists, including one that specializes in recovery from abusive relationships, were of no help to you?
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jaded7
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« Reply #12 on: March 08, 2023, 11:17:48 AM »

Wow…this blows my mind. So 3 therapists, including one that specializes in recovery from abusive relationships, were of no help to you?

They were of help to me, but I became very stuck. I would feel better for most of the day after meeting with them, but like a spring in the ground, the well of my confusion would fill up again.

I may be unique, but sexual abuse as a kid made me VERY attached to her. I don't have sex with random people, I didn't date anyone for 10 years before her (didn't want to or need to). Plus, she was kinda mean and objectifying ...I don't know exactly, but I decided I need to dig deep, very deep, in order to let go of her. It feels like a part of me is missing, taken from me by her, and I will die if I don't get it back.
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SaltyDawg
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« Reply #13 on: March 08, 2023, 12:20:00 PM »

Jaded7,

   Look up 'codependency' and 'trauma bonding' with your therapist - similar yet different to being borderline it will explain a lot of your behaviors that you are experiencing. 

   Personally, I was not sexually abused, but I feel as though I was neglected/abandoned as a kid by my parents when it wasn't that way.

   Here are some links:

Codependent:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships

More information can be found here on the 'trauma bond'.

Signs/symptoms:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=229693.0

Treating:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=327131.0

I will wrap this up, with my number one piece of advice, and that is to do 'self-care' - make sure it includes individual therapy, exercise outdoors [as simple as a walk], among other activities that you enjoy doing to recharge your spirit.

Take care.
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jaded7
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: unclear
Posts: 394


« Reply #14 on: March 08, 2023, 03:53:06 PM »

Jaded7,

   Look up 'codependency' and 'trauma bonding' with your therapist - similar yet different to being borderline it will explain a lot of your behaviors that you are experiencing.  

   Personally, I was not sexually abused, but I feel as though I was neglected/abandoned as a kid by my parents when it wasn't that way.

   Here are some links:

Codependent:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships

More information can be found here on the 'trauma bond'.

Signs/symptoms:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=229693.0

Treating:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=327131.0

I will wrap this up, with my number one piece of advice, and that is to do 'self-care' - make sure it includes individual therapy, exercise outdoors [as simple as a walk], among other activities that you enjoy doing to recharge your spirit.

Take care.


Thank you for these. I really appreciate it. This community is so nice and caring. We've all been through it and it shows how good people can be.

I am fully and completely trauma bonded, I know that. And I am co-dependent too, but to a lesser degree I think.

The trauma bond is a result of all the normal confusing, gaslighting, push-pull, I love you and you are horrible, ghosting behaviors that we've all been through...and

...my sexual bond with her, which was also traumatic. She used my sexual abuse against me when I kindly asked her if there was something wrong with our physical relationship (when it stopped out of nowhere for months and she ignored requests to come over repeatedly)- she exploded at me and said that my feeling confused and bad was due to "my sexual abuse". She was withholding intentionally, ignoring intentionally- she later admitted it in another rage, so rather than acknowledging what was going on in her head and our relationship, acknowledging the obvious change in our relationship, she simply blamed my sexual abuse for my feelings.

She would also snap and yell at me in bed when I put my arm around her- as she lay there facing away from me, cold and distancing ("what are you doing! If you want sex, touch me in a sexy way!), she would snap and yell at me (and then lecture me on sex) while we were being physical (I swear we/I were doing nothing differently at all from the times when she said "I told my friend it's the best sex I've had in 15 years"...that's why I was so confused). She looked at me while I was changing clothes, standing in my underwear and said "what, are you wearing old man underwear now? Don't I wear nice underwear for you?". When I cam out of the shower once, was mostly dressed and looking for a shirt in the dryer she snapped "stop that! what are you doing? Don't put that on!" angrily, because she wanted to go to bed, which she hadn't told me. She pointed at me as we were going to get in bed "What are you doing, get those off and get in bed!"

All of this has really hurt me, and my mind thinks about these all the time.

So trauma bond for sure, but sexually trauma bonded as well.

Thanks again for your resources.
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Morten

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 17


« Reply #15 on: March 10, 2023, 12:53:45 AM »

Hi all

I have a small addition to make to my first post. Something has happened. 2 weeks ago i noticed my ex had un-blocked me on facebook. When going through my wall, to find a certain post I did 4 years prior about my daughter, I noticed that posts my ex had tagged me in had suddenly reappeared. I also had a look in whatsapp, and I was also unblocked in here.
I have always expected her to make contact again, and I decided to wait and see, whether she would write me, so I didnt block her. And on monday evening this week she did. She told me she had seen a post about me on her well, that came to her as a memory, and that it made her think about me. She also claimed it was one of the few she didnt delete (which is not true), and she had a somewhat passive-aggressive attitude about her. I decided to answer her, and during the the next hour we chatted a bit. She tried to paint a picture of her being on top, but I took her in a couple of lies and confronted her with these. She sort of admitted them, but started talking about blocking me again, and she asked me not to tell a soul about her contacting me.
My answers were short, direct and emotionless, and I asked her about why she was writing me, since I had asked her to stay away from me, in an email I sent her, when going nc.

So, there are two types of unexpected validation for me in this story. The first one is her actions being so predictable. Second one, is that I have come so far, that I am able to have a conversation with her, without feeling a longing for her, feeling that I am wrong in perceiving things the way I do, and that I am strong enough not to play her games. This conversation actually made me think, that I am capable of moving mentally quite fast and and in healthy and solid way. Because at the same time I dont want to go back, and I can have this conversation with her, I can still be concerned about her and her kids, without actually going back into the emotional hell I have been through since summer, and that I only came out of by going nc some months ago. In other words, the unexpected validation came from myself.
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jaded7
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: unclear
Posts: 394


« Reply #16 on: March 10, 2023, 04:27:20 PM »

Hi all

I have a small addition to make to my first post. Something has happened. 2 weeks ago i noticed my ex had un-blocked me on facebook. When going through my wall, to find a certain post I did 4 years prior about my daughter, I noticed that posts my ex had tagged me in had suddenly reappeared. I also had a look in whatsapp, and I was also unblocked in here.
I have always expected her to make contact again, and I decided to wait and see, whether she would write me, so I didnt block her. And on monday evening this week she did. She told me she had seen a post about me on her well, that came to her as a memory, and that it made her think about me. She also claimed it was one of the few she didnt delete (which is not true), and she had a somewhat passive-aggressive attitude about her. I decided to answer her, and during the the next hour we chatted a bit. She tried to paint a picture of her being on top, but I took her in a couple of lies and confronted her with these. She sort of admitted them, but started talking about blocking me again, and she asked me not to tell a soul about her contacting me.
My answers were short, direct and emotionless, and I asked her about why she was writing me, since I had asked her to stay away from me, in an email I sent her, when going nc.

So, there are two types of unexpected validation for me in this story. The first one is her actions being so predictable. Second one, is that I have come so far, that I am able to have a conversation with her, without feeling a longing for her, feeling that I am wrong in perceiving things the way I do, and that I am strong enough not to play her games. This conversation actually made me think, that I am capable of moving mentally quite fast and and in healthy and solid way. Because at the same time I dont want to go back, and I can have this conversation with her, I can still be concerned about her and her kids, without actually going back into the emotional hell I have been through since summer, and that I only came out of by going nc some months ago. In other words, the unexpected validation came from myself.

What a great thing.

You sensed her lying- and called her out on it. You sensed her being passive aggressive. When you did call her out, the classic defensiveness and darvo started happening in the form of getting upset with YOU (when you called her out on HER lying) that then moves into threats, in this case to to block you again. Like you did something wrong here.

She couldn't even be honest about 'why' she contacted you, because of course that would require vulnerability.

And you were completely or mostly untriggered by all of this. I only hope that I can get there some day.
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