What to expect with marriage counseling?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My uBPDw and I start counseling Tuesday morning.  I was just curious if anyone had any advice for it or thoughts on what to expect?  Thanks in advance

[who_knows11]

My uBPDw and I start counseling Tuesday morning.  I was just curious if anyone had any advice for it or thoughts on what to expect?  Thanks in advance

[ForeverDad]

My first thought would be to avoid an emotional Blamefest where everything is your fault.  Emotional claims, however convincing they may be, are just that, claims and not necessarily actual facts.

Many here have reported that marriage counseling can easily be just another way to attack and blame.  Any time when that may occur then your counselor ought to intervene and bring the session back on track for the purpose of the counseling, to rescue the marriage in distress.

My uBPDw has made derogatory claims about every single person she has ever known in her life.  I seriously can't think of one person I would say she respects or believes is a genuinely good person.

This is one of the reasons why my Ex is an ex-spouse.  While she may have a few friends she cultivates, I also suspect they're people who enable her.  Her perception of people is "all or nothing" (extremes of either good or evil) and so typically her co-workers and others are criticized overmuch.  After a decade of marriage, we had a child and that actually worsened matters, she all too soon rejected me too.

Your spouse seeks ways to push your buttons and get you to react, even overreact.  Keep your emotions under control, especially now.  You are the reasonably normal spouse and parent.  That is your task now.  You cannot allow yourself to be manipulated to appear a problem person.

Noteworthy too is that she is quick to bring up the separation topic.  Around here we seldom hear of successful separations.  Either the marriage is improved or the marriage is undone with the divorce process.  Halfway measures such as separation typically are not a long term solution.  Is there a reason she talks separation and not divorce?  Where would the little children live and how much parenting time and decision making would you have if you two were separated?

I ask those questions because soon after we had a child my then-spouse became more unreasonable and eventually rejected me.  Having a child did not improve our relationship, it made it so much more difficult to unwind the marriage, what with the custody and parenting issues that increased the level of discord.  Eventually I realized my marriage was a lost cause and I had no choice but to focus of my responsibilities as a father.

Let's hope you find success with the counseling.

[SaltyDawg]

I agree with FD, avoid the blamefest.

Don't be gaslit - say something like "I don't recall it happening that way, this is what I recall" and stick to using "I" pronouns as that is less critical than saying "you pissed me off by doing ____" say something like "I would have liked if _____ did/did not occur".

If you don't push back, the couples T will likely side with your pwBPD and their narrative and that turns really ugly if you are painted black all of the time not defending yourself of their false narratives.

Go into couples T with clear goals on what you want to accomplish...

Here were some of mine:
1.  Stop the suicide attempts
2.  Stop the violence
3.  Stop the emotional abuse, including but not limited to gaslighting [still in progress]
4.  Set boundaries with love for the greater good [primary boundaries accomplished, secondary ones need to be addressed]
5.  Come up with strategies to reconnect, [pwBPD will self-sabotage with the blame game on anything but the pwBPD will be prevalent in this area]

Be prepared to defend your version of events 80% of the time, you have to have a strong sense of self to do this.

Ask more questions, it will not be a pleasant experience, and there will be many setbacks, over and over again.

[BigOof]

A pwBPD can use it to enter false accusations on the record. You'll be gaslit, blamed, and have flying monkeys attack you.

[kells76]

Like FD mentioned, there may be a lot of blame, and your W may view MC as an opportunity to get the T on her side.

If your goal is for the T to see the real dynamics and to be most effective in helping you guys with the real dynamics (as opposed to whatever story of victimization your W may tell, which often induces a defensive reaction from the non, which "proves" the victimization story)...

you may need to be prepared to be nonreactive for the first few sessions, despite wacky things your W may say, or bait she may lay out, or invitations to recreate her victimization narrative in front of the T.

I don't think this means you have to be a "yes, dear" doormat. I think there are ways to bypass the invitation from your W to play the persecutor in front of the T.

An example of what I'm thinking would be:

You guys show up to MC. You let your W go first, and she starts talking about how abusive you are, how hurtful you are, how you never listen to her, etc. Your knee-jerk reaction might be to dispute and disprove all of that: "That's not true! I listen to you all the time. I listened to you for 4 hours last night, and I never raised a hand to you". Your W turns to the MC: "See? He doesn't take any responsibility for his hurtfulness". Victimization narrative entrenched.

An alternative approach, that doesn't involve just capitulating to her wacky statements, would be:

You guys show up to MC. You let your W go first, and she starts talking about how abusive you are, how hurtful you are, how you never listen to her, etc. You, in a genuine tone, tell your W "I do understand that you feel deeply hurt". Then you turn to the MC: "I recognize that my W feels profoundly hurt. However, we have very different memories of what happened and whether I listen to her. How do you suggest we move forward, when we remember what happened so differently?"

When you are the one in MC avoiding blaming your spouse, recognizing your spouse's feelings, and looking to the MC for healthy paths forward, then those actions will strongly counter the verbal narrative your W brings in, more so than any verbal defensiveness, arguing the facts, etc.

This may be a long process, but if you can stick with it, the T will likely be able to see the action/mindset dynamic underneath all your W's words, and then you guys will have something real to work with.

It will be difficult to sit there for the first few sessions while the T builds rapport and buy-in from your W. Understand that the T is likely going to be working hard to build that connection with the one person out of the two of you that the T senses is less invested. Likely you will come across as more invested in making MC work, so the T will spend extra time building trust with your W. Know that this doesn't mean the T is "picking sides". This is a normal thing to do, and if you can be patient with it, it's what needs to happen if you want MC to have a chance at tackling the real issues, not the victimization narrative.

While none of this means that MC is guaranteed to work, it's a way to manage whatever involuntary responses you might have, that you have control over, that would make it harder for MC to work. You control what you can control, and let your W play out who she is.

Hope that's helpful food for thought;

kells76

[kells76]

A pwBPD can use it to enter false accusations on the record. You'll be gaslit, blamed, and have flying monkeys attack you.

Looks like I cross-posted, so let me address this real concern.

I think there's a difference between your W saying in a MC session "He never listens, he's emotionally absent, he raises his voice at me, he never pays attention to how I feel", and her saying things like "He hits me, and he abuses the kids".

JADE-ing with your W there is going to be counterproductive for both. For the first list of complaints, "we remember it very differently, how do we move forward" can be effective.

For the second complaints, where those are crimes, using BIFF to shut it down/get your statement out there will be very important: "I don't know how to state more firmly that that is not true and has never been true. What do you recommend I do in this situation?"

Clearly, I would not recommend leaving accusations of abuse just hanging out there, yet in MC with your W there, I would also not try to explain why it isn't true, justify why you didn't do it in real life, or make arguments/present facts about why you're innocent. You can offer to the T that you are open to a one-on-one session if the T has further questions, as getting into a "he said - she said" in a joint MC session isn't going to be productive. JADE-ing to the T actually might be OK; sometimes we forget that "broadly normal" people find detailed explanations helpful. But doing it with your W there likely won't help.

[who_knows11]

My first thought would be to avoid an emotional Blamefest where everything is your fault.  Emotional claims, however convincing they may be, are just that, claims and not necessarily actual facts.

Many here have reported that marriage counseling can easily be just another way to attack and blame.  Any time when that may occur then your counselor ought to intervene and bring the session back on track for the purpose of the counseling, to rescue the marriage in distress.

This is one of the reasons why my Ex is an ex-spouse.  While she may have a few friends she cultivates, I also suspect they're people who enable her.  Her perception of people is "all or nothing" (extremes of either good or evil) and so typically her co-workers and others are criticized overmuch.  After a decade of marriage, we had a child and that actually worsened matters, she all too soon rejected me too.

Your spouse seeks ways to push your buttons and get you to react, even overreact.  Keep your emotions under control, especially now.  You are the reasonably normal spouse and parent.  That is your task now.  You cannot allow yourself to be manipulated to appear a problem person.

Noteworthy too is that she is quick to bring up the separation topic.  Around here we seldom hear of successful separations.  Either the marriage is improved or the marriage is undone with the divorce process.  Halfway measures such as separation typically are not a long term solution.  Is there a reason she talks separation and not divorce?  Where would the little children live and how much parenting time and decision making would you have if you two were separated?

I ask those questions because soon after we had a child my then-spouse became more unreasonable and eventually rejected me.  Having a child did not improve our relationship, it made it so much more difficult to unwind the marriage, what with the custody and parenting issues that increased the level of discord.  Eventually I realized my marriage was a lost cause and I had no choice but to focus of my responsibilities as a father.

Let's hope you find success with the counseling.

My guess is that she thinks I would be quicker to agree to separation as opposed to divorce.  Who knows? 

I'm prepared for the blame fest.  I don't know if I actually expect it to happen or not.  She had a strange experience this weekend where she went back into this thought that the reason I have started acting like I do is because she pushed me there.  She stated that she knows her past has caused her to have unrealistic expectations of everyone and that it isn't fair to do that.  She says we should end our marriage because she is ruining me.  I'm can't help but think it is just recycling, but she made a statement that she is scared of the counseling because she is basically afraid it will make her face the truth that she was just talking about.  It was really weird.  Thanks for your input

[who_knows11]

Thank you all for your input.  I am fully prepared for the blamefest if it happens.  I don't expect to have an issue remaining calm.  I'm actually somewhat excited to have someone present to experience it and see how they react to it all.  Maybe it will be a step forward.  Thanks again

[LifewithEase]

I've posted on my entrance into and some experience at MC with my uBPDw.

Long story, made short: As the bulk of folks warned (in a supportive manner) my uBPDw bailed out, right when we were going into the tough emotional & family background and her behavior. But that was no surprise, she had done the same previous times.

Our couples therapist, I learned from my individual therapist, is consider one of the top 50 in the country (USA). She quickly picked up on the borderline behavior and subtly used DBT technique.

A few tips:

- Avoid defensiveness / blame (see other posts)
- Use terms like "high conflict," "behaviors," "false narratives," "shaming"
- Do not use the term "borderline"
- When blamed or there is something you don't agree with, follow up with calm questions.. "can you tell me what you mean?" "can you give me a specific example" "I want to understand more."
- Highlight what you are doing to improve yourself
- Try to identify a specific goal, try to find something you both can align on (even if it is small) "I'd like a bit more harmony in the morning/when there is stress/when my family visits" Make it practical so the therapist can use that to better understand the crazy making from the small aspects of life
- ask the therapist for their feedback "Is this realistic? "How do we make progress?"
- Manage your expectations... things tend to get worse before they get better
- Manage your expectations... BPD tend to struggle internally in such vulnerable situations

Good luck, feel free to reach out to me if you want to discuss more.

[SaltyDawg]

A pwBPD can use it to enter false accusations on the record. You'll be gaslit, blamed, and have flying monkeys attack you.

Knowing what you have said is true, BigOof, I go into each and every session with the expectation that will happen and utilize it expose my uBPDw with what is actually going on using her own words against her, much like an attorney would in cross-examination.  The truth is easy to remember, lies are not, and I can easily trip her up in her own lie.  I use a strategy almost almost verbatim what Kells has described.  It takes a full hour to go over what a normal MC session would take about 5-10 minutes to discuss.  It is a painfully slow experience; however, the T clearly sees on one occasion that my wife is 'not rational' as the T said in frustration, yet tells both me and her that she is perfectly normal in the following session - wtf?.  So, according to the T she is normal at times [baseline], and 'not rational' only when having a really irrational BPD-like episode of splitting.

Since my uBPDw is very honest, when I state my version of the recollection, she will more often than not confirm my version of her behaviors, except on one occasion.  Also, many of the symptoms she displays while in session, yet the T emphatically states she is perfectly normal.  It is frustrating for me, as I don't know how much to trust the T; however, I am using these sessions to remove all of the layers of deception my wife is doing to uncover the real topics to discuss.  It is slow going, requires an enormous amount of energy to deal with the distorted narrative and to make some kind of progress.

I use the sessions to establish a pattern of less than truthful behaviors of my uBPDw where she often finds herself on the defensive after tripping her up with my truthful statements, especially when she says something impossibly illogical, the most illogical example is her accusing me of committing child abuse in front of a school principle and teachers all of whom are mandated reporters for child abuse.

Many more examples, just review my 500+ posts, you will see them.  Use MC as a tool to highlight the issues so that they can be discussed in a civilized manner in front of the MC instead of raging lunatic in the privacy of your home.

Take care with self care.
 

[ForeverDad]

Most therapists are very reluctant to submit evidence to courts, likely because it might trigger lawsuits or frivolous licensing board complaints.  If there are minor children involved, Ts have been known to "discuss matters" with the Custody Evaluator (CE) or Guardian ad Litem (GAL) but Ts hate to be put on the spot.

Since you have probably already been apologizing and appeasing up the wazoo, ad nauseam, I recommend most suggested apologizes be for her hurt feelings rather than admitting doing something wrong.  Why that?  I don't know of any husband ever convicted for hurting someone's feelings.

No doubt the MT will suggest some homework or approaches until your next session.

Do either of you two have individual counselors or therapists?  If not, then the MT may suggest doing that in addition to MT so individually you both can also work on yourselves.  Hopefully the MT will make the referrals so recommended professionals are experienced ones.

[Brooklyn1974]

I hope you and your wife get something positive out of it.  My BPD wife of 20 years, we've been to four marriage counselors.  IMO (and the last one admitted to it) that they are not capable of helping someone with this mental issue.  If the MC does not know she has BPD (I assume she was already diagnosed professionally) then it's something that should be brought up right away. 

If she was not diagnosed professionally then it's something that you do not want to bring up in front of your wife.  My wife was diagnosed by a psychologist.  It took a few months for that diagnosis to be made.  It wasn't until our first session (it was together) that really showed the psychologist what she was all about.  I did this by remaining quiet and letting my wife talk and even when baited I stayed quiet.  I figured the more she talked the better even if it was manipulative and lies. 

Perhaps it might be better for you two to talk to a psychologist than a MC.  I remember our psychologist telling me that my wife needs years of therapy (weekly) and that people who are trained to work with borderlines often get therapy themselves.  I wish you the best, IMO I believe BPD can be managed but never 'cured'.  Please let us know how you make out.

[bob88]

Your mileage will vary, but I can tell you my experience was that it hastened our divorce significantly.

We were actually getting along, and a reconciliation looked possible.  She insisted on a marriage counselor so we set it up.  The problem is the counselor wants each of you to recognize your faults ... and she, of course, was perfect in every way.  Any hint she wasn't was just another rage.

We did about 6 sessions.  At some point the counselor even told her "You want too much from this man". All it was was her blamefest, her victimhood, her needs not being fulfilled.  All I got was "We will talk about your needs next time" ... that never happened.

After that we moved immediately into the divorce phase ... thank God!

[who_knows11]

I hope you and your wife get something positive out of it.  My BPD wife of 20 years, we've been to four marriage counselors.  IMO (and the last one admitted to it) that they are not capable of helping someone with this mental issue.  If the MC does not know she has BPD (I assume she was already diagnosed professionally) then it's something that should be brought up right away. 

If she was not diagnosed professionally then it's something that you do not want to bring up in front of your wife.  My wife was diagnosed by a psychologist.  It took a few months for that diagnosis to be made.  It wasn't until our first session (it was together) that really showed the psychologist what she was all about.  I did this by remaining quiet and letting my wife talk and even when baited I stayed quiet.  I figured the more she talked the better even if it was manipulative and lies. 

Perhaps it might be better for you two to talk to a psychologist than a MC.  I remember our psychologist telling me that my wife needs years of therapy (weekly) and that people who are trained to work with borderlines often get therapy themselves.  I wish you the best, IMO I believe BPD can be managed but never 'cured'.  Please let us know how you make out.

She isn't professionally diagnosed.  Her and I have never talked about it.  It's entirely based on my experiences and what I've learned about BPD through research and talking on this site.  I worry everyday that I may be wrong and she doesn't actually have it.  Either way it's clear her childhood trauma has caused her a lifetime of anxiety that I don't see going away. 

I have been trying to decide if I should say anything about my suspicions when I have my private session with the counselor.  We had a couple's session and my wife has been back once for private and goes again next week.  Mine is scheduled and I don't know if I should say anything about it or not.  I'm worried that it could taint the whole thing from that point on.  Can that cause a bias with the MC in either direction?  Against her or even against me?

[who_knows11]

Your mileage will vary, but I can tell you my experience was that it hastened our divorce significantly.

We were actually getting along, and a reconciliation looked possible.  She insisted on a marriage counselor so we set it up.  The problem is the counselor wants each of you to recognize your faults ... and she, of course, was perfect in every way.  Any hint she wasn't was just another rage.

We did about 6 sessions.  At some point the counselor even told her "You want too much from this man". All it was was her blamefest, her victimhood, her needs not being fulfilled.  All I got was "We will talk about your needs next time" ... that never happened.

After that we moved immediately into the divorce phase ... thank God!

I am concerned that the same will happen with us.  We have had one joint session and she has had one private session.  She has another scheduled for next week and I have one scheduled soon as well plus our follow up joint session.  After her private session she has taken the stance that the MC has sided with her and that she is doing everything exactly the way that she is supposed to.  It seemed to strengthen her thoughts that she might need to get out. 

Problem is, I have reached a point where I don't feel that I can trust anything I hear from my wife secondhand.  Not because I think she just straight up lies, but because I feel that she takes things in ways that they weren't meant to be taken.  Like she sees something that isn't actually there.  Such as the therapist thinking she is doing everything exactly like she should.  I mean isn't that the T job?  To make you feel better about yourself so that you can do what you need to to improve your mental health?  Just because the T tells her that it's normal for her to feel a certain way doesn't mean that she is saying everything is everyone else's fault.  That's my wife's perspective, which makes me afraid she is just reading that into what the T says.

In the joint session, there wasn't really a big blame fest, just her talking about how she felt everything was unfair to her.  Acting as if she knew what all of her faults were throughout her entire life.  After the session, she said she could tell that the T had certain feelings about the things that I said and the things we were going through because she would see her make faces during the session when I would say something.  I mean, if a T actually did that, then she isn't a very good T.  That would actually be the invalidation that is talked about so much. 

I have a hard time believing that the T has given her that much insight about who she is as well as given her that much validation about what I'm doing wrong considering she's know my wife for a total of 2 hours and me for only 1.  She has no idea who either one of us actually are.  All she knows is what we've told her

[ForeverDad]

She isn't professionally diagnosed...  I worry everyday that I may be wrong and she doesn't actually have it.

Lacking a professional's diagnosis, as most of us do, all we can do is make our observations and conclusions based on the behavior.

I have been trying to decide if I should say anything about my suspicions when I have my private session with the counselor.

How can the T listen to both sides overall and make valid conclusions if you're hiding some of your truths?  After all, the T had never seen you two before these sessions, while you have years of contact with your spouse.  You are an important source for the T.  Just do so politely.

[kells76]

Hey who_knows11, good to hear from you again.

She isn't professionally diagnosed.  Her and I have never talked about it.  It's entirely based on my experiences and what I've learned about BPD through research and talking on this site.  I worry everyday that I may be wrong and she doesn't actually have it.  Either way it's clear her childhood trauma has caused her a lifetime of anxiety that I don't see going away. 

I have been trying to decide if I should say anything about my suspicions when I have my private session with the counselor. We had a couple's session and my wife has been back once for private and goes again next week.  Mine is scheduled and I don't know if I should say anything about it or not.  I'm worried that it could taint the whole thing from that point on.  Can that cause a bias with the MC in either direction?  Against her or even against me?

One thought for how to approach your question could be:

there's talking about something, and then there's talking about talking about something -- if that makes sense. Kind of like -- we can talk about an issue, or we can talk about how we talk about an issue.

What would it be like if instead of starting out by talking to the T about your concerns, you talked to the T about talking about your concerns? You could even raise the topic kind of like you did here:

"I do have stuff I want to talk about, significant concerns about some of my wife's traits and behaviors. But I also want this to be productive. I'm feeling stuck between wanting to be open about what I really see, and not wanting to make this a blamefest. What do you recommend for better ways for someone in my position to raise concerns about a spouse with the therapist?"

Might be a way to thread that needle.

-kells76

[who_knows11]

Lacking a professional's diagnosis, as most of us do, all we can do is make our observations and conclusions based on the behavior.

How can the T listen to both sides overall and make valid conclusions if you're hiding some of your truths?  After all, the T had never seen you two before these sessions, while you have years of contact with your spouse.  You are an important source for the T.  Just do so politely.

That's kinda the way I was feeling but was unsure how that might affect the whole process.  I'm sure I need to be fully transparent about my suspicions

[who_knows11]

Hey who_knows11, good to hear from you again.

One thought for how to approach your question could be:

there's talking about something, and then there's talking about talking about something -- if that makes sense. Kind of like -- we can talk about an issue, or we can talk about how we talk about an issue.

What would it be like if instead of starting out by talking to the T about your concerns, you talked to the T about talking about your concerns? You could even raise the topic kind of like you did here:

"I do have stuff I want to talk about, significant concerns about some of my wife's traits and behaviors. But I also want this to be productive. I'm feeling stuck between wanting to be open about what I really see, and not wanting to make this a blamefest. What do you recommend for better ways for someone in my position to raise concerns about a spouse with the therapist?"

Might be a way to thread that needle.

-kells76

Definitely worth considering.  Thanks for the thoughts.  That might would be the best way to go about it

[engiebpd]

I went to counseling with my ex wife that our counselor and psychiatrist told me to read about bpd, but they diagnose her with bipolar (likely because of insurance issues or that they won't be able to continue helping her if they diagnose her bpd)  I can tell you what may happen.   

She's going to tell her side of the story and you will tell your side of the story.   When this happened, she exaggerated my behavior in almost every single way.   If I became slightly upset about something that any normal human being would be upset about, the counselor told me that this was her perspective and that there is also my perspective.  And i have to accept that.  It got to the point where I was no longer able to be upset at anything because the perception would be that I was extremely angry.  This is because if she was truly bpd, she would see any sort of upset image from my reaction as if I was too much for her.

When I figured this out, I decided not to get angry at anything she did.   I went over 1 year of showing the counselor that I just overlooked everything as if I was Buddha all year.  I literally just went quiet to all her bad behaviors and in counseling, I told thr counselor this and my ex partner had to agree.   Every 2 weeks I said "she did this and I didn't get angry"  the counselor asked her and she had to admit that I wasn't angry because I was literally soft and sweet at everything she did.

Here's what happened next.   The counselor started targeting her.    Making her accountable to her behavior.  If you partner is truly bpd, making her accountable to anything will be a problem.    When my ex realized that she needed to be accountable for her actions, she realized that this relationship is no longer for her. 

When she had to shut down the behaviors that would harm our relationship, she actually had some "awareness" that she was harming me and therefore, started looking for another victim. 

We went 6 months without fighting and arguing as she was actually listening to the counselor at what not to do.  But it was at this point when she started seeking another partner.   

After I found out about the affair, there were moments where she would admit that she was toxic and that she was bringing me down in life.  But the next day, she would be toxic and abusive again as if she didn't remember what she just said.   It was weird.

In my opinion, when she realized she could not get me to bite into an argument anymore, it made our relationship "boring".  And something inside her was being affected as if she needed tension to live.

[who_knows11]

I went to counseling with my ex wife that our counselor and psychiatrist told me to read about bpd, but they diagnose her with bipolar (likely because of insurance issues or that they won't be able to continue helping her if they diagnose her bpd)  I can tell you what may happen.   

She's going to tell her side of the story and you will tell your side of the story.   When this happened, she exaggerated my behavior in almost every single way.   If I became slightly upset about something that any normal human being would be upset about, the counselor told me that this was her perspective and that there is also my perspective.  And i have to accept that.  It got to the point where I was no longer able to be upset at anything because the perception would be that I was extremely angry.  This is because if she was truly bpd, she would see any sort of upset image from my reaction as if I was too much for her.

When I figured this out, I decided not to get angry at anything she did.   I went over 1 year of showing the counselor that I just overlooked everything as if I was Buddha all year.  I literally just went quiet to all her bad behaviors and in counseling, I told thr counselor this and my ex partner had to agree.   Every 2 weeks I said "she did this and I didn't get angry"  the counselor asked her and she had to admit that I wasn't angry because I was literally soft and sweet at everything she did.

Here's what happened next.   The counselor started targeting her.    Making her accountable to her behavior.  If you partner is truly bpd, making her accountable to anything will be a problem.    When my ex realized that she needed to be accountable for her actions, she realized that this relationship is no longer for her. 

When she had to shut down the behaviors that would harm our relationship, she actually had some "awareness" that she was harming me and therefore, started looking for another victim. 

We went 6 months without fighting and arguing as she was actually listening to the counselor at what not to do.  But it was at this point when she started seeking another partner.   

After I found out about the affair, there were moments where she would admit that she was toxic and that she was bringing me down in life.  But the next day, she would be toxic and abusive again as if she didn't remember what she just said.   It was weird.

In my opinion, when she realized she could not get me to bite into an argument anymore, it made our relationship "boring".  And something inside her was being affected as if she needed tension to live.

Yeah I can relate to this.  Not so much with the counseling because at this point we have actually had more individual sessions than joint sessions.  With everything else though, spot on.  She has moments of "clarity" where she says she realizes that she is the one who has ruined me over the years of our marriage and she knows that if not for her I would still be the same person she married.  She reverted back to blaming and name calling before she even ended the conversation though

[Husband2014]

I honestly reach out to the therapist before and told her my wife has BPD so watch out for the scams and that worked.

[AskingWhy]

Seek counseling for yourself first. My uBPD H and I attended counseling and the therapist sided with my husband, even shaking a finger at me that I was losing the man who loved me.  BPDs, especially higher functioning ones, can be great actors and chameleons.  They lie without a second thought.