Divorce and kids

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello all I’m at the point where my boundaries are constantly tested. Although I’m able to enforce them fairly well (not perfect) it’s just creating such a toxic environment in front of the kids. Yesterday I got called a POS in front of my son (6). 

So I’m starting to think I need to just walk away and file for divorce. She threatens it on the weekly as well so I’m sick of thah.  I used to be a caretaker and learned that I enabled all this and trying to walk it back and it’s hard and just hurtful. 

If I didn’t have kids I would have walked away in a minutes but I can’t fathom a scenario where these kids are alone with that monster and I can’t interfere when she teaches them her psychotic lines of how everyone hates her and I’m sure she will go out of her way to paint me as a monster so I’m really just in it for the kids. 

I will consult with a lawyer.  I have 2 therapists who have confirmed she has BPD (but haven’t told her). 

Has anyone here been able to legally take the kids from a mother? My kids are 6 and 2.

I work she doesn’t and I paid for 2cdegrees for her in teaching so I more than have supported her and don’t feel like I owe her a dime but I’m not the law and don’t think the law in on my side.

[Husband2014]

Hello all I’m at the point where my boundaries are constantly tested. Although I’m able to enforce them fairly well (not perfect) it’s just creating such a toxic environment in front of the kids. Yesterday I got called a POS in front of my son (6). 

So I’m starting to think I need to just walk away and file for divorce. She threatens it on the weekly as well so I’m sick of thah.  I used to be a caretaker and learned that I enabled all this and trying to walk it back and it’s hard and just hurtful. 

If I didn’t have kids I would have walked away in a minutes but I can’t fathom a scenario where these kids are alone with that monster and I can’t interfere when she teaches them her psychotic lines of how everyone hates her and I’m sure she will go out of her way to paint me as a monster so I’m really just in it for the kids. 

I will consult with a lawyer.  I have 2 therapists who have confirmed she has BPD (but haven’t told her). 

Has anyone here been able to legally take the kids from a mother? My kids are 6 and 2.

I work she doesn’t and I paid for 2cdegrees for her in teaching so I more than have supported her and don’t feel like I owe her a dime but I’m not the law and don’t think the law in on my side.

[ForeverDad]

Yes, get legal consultations, and with multiple lawyers so you can

• get a sense of your legal standing in your state and your local court system
• hear and take quick notes on various strategies that each lawyer may propose so you can start and continue on the best (least bad) temp order possible
• determine which lawyer will both be reasonably comfortable to work with as well as the more experienced and qualified to handle a high conflict divorce so the lawyer can serve your cause best... probably they will all claim they are the one for you but some are capable only for simpler cases where they file the paperwork and hold your hand

You don't have to hire (pay a retainer to) the first lawyer you meet.

Remember too that all lawyer consultations are private and confidential between you and the lawyer, even when it is only a consultation.  Sharing legal consultations with your spouse is literally self-sabotaging.  Don't even say, "I'm going to speak to a lawyer about divorce."  In other words, if you share TMI with her, she could (would) potentially overreact and sabotage you.  Avoid legal topics completely and stick to everyday typical topics which of course would include current parenting matters.  She can hire her own attorney if she wishes.

Do not makes promises about how things would be during or after divorcing.  Well, at least not without first consulting your lawyer or asking us here in remote peer support what our collective experience has been.  You know appeasing never works, so be cautious on whatever promises she may demand.  The future is wide open and you don't want to hobble your choices and options.

[Husband2014]

Thank you so much. I wouldn’t even entertain the thought of mentioning a lawyer in front of her.  The only day she finds out I talked to a lawyer is the day I serve her the notice. 

[ForeverDad]

If you don't use a process server, then definitely have friend or family with you both as proof of service and support/protection to reduce risks of a police incident.  Or do it in a public setting, perhaps with the kids having fun elsewhere, but still have friends or family nearby.  It is well known that the risks of DV or whatever overreaction is heightened when served and during the initial separation.  Only once a temp order is issued do risks lower a little bit, but then come court or children's services filings with allegations of DV and/or child abuse.  "He! hath no fury like a (pwBPD) scorned."

It is best not to appease by accepting a weak temp order.  Too often a lousy temp order morphs into a final temp order, so do your best to get the best (or least bad) temp order possible from the very start.

[Husband2014]

Thank you very much! Very helpful! Too bad I couldn’t just marry a normal person out of millions of people I picked a crazy.  Some decision making!

[PearlsBefore]

You can buy a small USB-stick sized audio recorder to slip in your front pocket and just leave recording for 12 hours...strongly suggest doing it for the next couple months, throw the files on an external hard drive, then when she finds out about the divorce and begins telling everyone "Well Monday is the day he raped me 14 times in the kitchen, Tuesday is the day he started acting how I normally act and told the children I'm a POS, Wednesday is the day he rampaged around the home smashing everything and threatening to set us all on fire" - you'll actually be able to respond with a succinct "Surprise, I audio-recorded everything".

Hopefully not even need to spend the hours finding the timestamps to prove a negative...just knowing you seem confident you audio-recorded it will hopefully make her abandon that particular story and instead jump to "Oh yeah so I was lying before, actually he brainwashed me I think he used to work at MK-Ultra or Guantanamo, I've been a literal Stepford Wife too scared to ever do anything but be perfect", and again you repeat "Well, I've got you saying that on audio-recording", then she'll abandon THAT story and claim you raped the children, you shot JFK or you spent your gap year after High School spreading AIDS in Fiji just because you're evil...ultimately she may just try to stab you with something nearby, so be on the lookout - and then speedrun to the bit where she's driven to her parents (does she have friends?) and left on the doorstep while you ring the doorbell and drive off.

That'll be the easy way

Okay, I'm being a BIT facetious, but yeah it's likely to involve more melodrama than you've seen before; think how badly a pwBPD acts when they IMAGINE you're abandoning them...now there's gonna be some actual "abandonment" - things slide downhill quickly. And of course no North American court is ever going to recognise that your spouse battering you, stabbing you or telling your friends and employers that you're a rapist who killed Martin Luther King Jr is in any way making you a victim of abuse. Just shrug off the injustice, focus on getting yourself and your kids to safety - and be prepared to accept that your "reputation" might need to be sacrificed for this.

[SaltyDawg]

Too bad I couldn’t just marry a normal person out of millions of people I picked a crazy.  Some decision making!

1 in 20 persons in the general [college] population are diagnosable with BPD, although only 1 in 4 of those 1 in 20 are actually diagnosed with BPD.  So, 20 people make 10 couples - using this logic, 1 in every 10 relationships has a u/dBPD dynamic in it!

I know my personality type, 'caretaker', attracts this type of partner over and over again.  2/3 of my relationships are BPD related.  I also have attracted another with dBPD too, increasing this number from 67% to 75%.  100% of these relationships the u+dBPD picked me, I didn't pick them.  Girls who chase men are a to me.