My adult daughters BPD

[Titch]

My daughter is nearly 40 years old and I continue to be pushed and pulled emotionally by her, blamed for everything wrong in her life and accused of things that never happened. The lies and manipulation never ends.  In fairness to her, she has enrolled in numerous therapy to help herself, but depending on the therapists agenda, is how she feels about me at the end. She has 3 sisters who can’t cope with her anymore because of growing up with so much of her dramas and treatments towards me and sometimes them.  Plus how much of me she consumed with her suicide attempts and emotional breakdowns, and threats, when they were growing up. Financially we supported her (although typically we were always told we never helped her). She stopped us on many occasions from seeing our Grandsons. It’s been heartbreaking, exhausting and I am now at a stage where I can take it or leave it. But as always I’m filled with guilt thinking that. The reason is, the other side of her is a loving kind caring beautiful daughter who I love with all my heart! Sound familiar?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Sounds very familiar Titch. It's been a long, long journey for you and your family. I don't think the world understands just how demanding and chaotic the life journey with a bpd child is!

You are well and truly at the point of 'letting go' and I think it would be helpful to work out what that means for you - I think it is a different thing for each individual.

I came to understand that the guilt I felt for my dd was caused by the fact that I felt responsible to 'make it better', to solve her problem, to prevent the suicide etc etc. All these things were out of my control (particularly once she became an adult) yet I was so tied to her emotional highs and lows, I felt compelled to be the one to solve or fix.

I think the reasons for this were (1) I am naturally a 'fix it' person and (2) BPD folk are intensely emotional - and it is so hard not to get drawn into the intensity of it, particularly as you start with a child who needs support and of course when you do you let go?

So the key to my letting go was not stopping loving, but realising I was not responsible for my dd - I didn't cause it, I can't cure it; I can't control it.

It meant I had to come to terms with the possibility of suicide and know that I would not be responsible if this happened.

Once I started to let go of feeling responsible, things became easier.

The next step for me was not to become engaged in dd's emotional turmoil. I learned to let the dreadful verbal abuse fly past me. I told her that I would not respond because it only made things worse.

This was true. If I engaged, the intense emotions increased and were prolonged. If I didn't engage, she 'came down' much more quickly. It is now at the point where she will tell me she is so angry that I need to leave her alone.

I am still here, still love dd, still feel enormous empathy and sympathy for my dd - but I am not on her emotional rollercoaster ride any more. My life is very limited in many ways because of my commitment to her and her daughter, but I still feel a freedom in myself now that I have let go and walk beside her rather than with her.

[Titch]

Thank you for replying. Its so comforting to know I'm not alone with this.
I'm now 60 and feel like this has dominated my whole life along side raising 3 other daughters, working studying and also taking care of her sons at her bad times. I need to release myself and not feel guilty doing so.
My husband(her step-dad since she was little) has been a constant and calm for her to turn to and stood firm by my side. We want 'our time' now.
She knows I am here for her as do my Grandsons, although she will warp their minds with untruths about the rest of us. I cant control that, so will only manage what I can. It feels lighter but always in the back of my mind is that phone call that could change everything. I cant control that either. So I need to carry on moving forward.
This is something that anyone dealing with this needs to try and accept. We can't control their emotions or behaviours. We can only control our reactions and responses to them. Takes a lot of getting used to and circunstances dont always allow it (Grandchildren). Im testament to that, as Im the age I am and finally setting myself free.

[Warshire]

I am walking in the same shoes as yourself. My dd is 46 years old and has been sick for a long time. Unfortunately she has not received the therapy to help her deal with her emotions. I have come to realize it doesn’t matter what I say or do for her she accuses me of controlling her life.  I will always love my dd but realize that I can’t fix her.

[Titch]

Its so exhausting for you. You have to set yourself free. You love her, she knows you love her. Shes been an adult for a long time now. You have to give yourself the time and love that you have deprived yourself of all these years. You absolutely cant fix her. Dont feel guilty, its a heavy pointless word that serves no point other than to keep you drawn in. I know from my own experience how sad it feels and how helpless we are. She will find her way of getting through her emotional deregulations however it is.
Just know im sending my strength to you, to help you let go. You will be around just, look after yourself. Its taken me too long to do it, but for my physical and mental health, I have done it. You can too.

[Warshire]

Thank you for the support. It is an emotional roller coaster.  We have found that we have to set boundaries and stick to them.  We have provided financial assistance the last few years and come to realize it has not helped the situation.  It has only made her able to make more inappropriate decisions. Currently she lives in our house beside us, rent free, and we pay utilities and it still isn’t enough.  She is still verbally abusive.

[Titch]

Hi warshire  nothing will ever be enough or good enough. The more you do the worse she will become. It 'enables' them to act out this way. I think you need to sit down and think about and make a plan of how best to let her support herself and maybe move out from your home. In the long term it helps her to seek out help to manage for herself. We did the same thing, it completely drained us emotionally and financially. Unfortunately, they can only see what they need and want and not the impact it has on others. Once I made the decision to stop and say no, it was only a matter of time before she stopped asking and started to find her own solutions and learnt from her own mistakes. As painful as it felt for me, I had to stick to it. She has used my Grandsons as weapons to hurt me and it has been hard. But I only have one life and she is not my only family member. Your daughter will find a way even if its not how you might do it or want for her, its for her to decide. Be strong. You know how as you have been for a long time already, just turn it to your advantage now.

[Warshire]

Thank you for your advice.  I agree completely but it is so hard to enforce.  It wasn’t until she left her husband of 20 years, in 2018 that we realized she had mental health problems.  She has 3 beautiful children and they are young adults and we are able to see them whenever we want.  I can see, where what we are doing, is only making her worse.  She was the one that reached out to us to move next door because financially she is struggling. She also is in an abusive, alcoholic and drug user relationship that we don’t agree with but again it is her decision and she is responsible for her own choices. The problem is we don’t know how to approach her to move out. My fear is she will be homeless as he will kick her out (he has repeatedly)or she will commit suicide. 

[Titch]

Its so difficult for you. I know how hard it feels to be held to ransome over the fear of them taking their own lives. Its been hanging over me the whole time. As far as her relationship goes, you cant do anything about that. Keep telling yourself she is an adult and that she has to find her own way.
You need to think about what you need to happen. She managed for 20 years, you didnt need to do it then. Im not sure what country you are in, but maybe she can get help with housing? This isnt how you wanted your daughters life to pan out, but you are not responsible for that and you cant control it either.
Thinking of you.

[BonnieW]

Wow. Titch - this is so true!

Hi warshire  nothing will ever be enough or good enough. The more you do the worse she will become. It 'enables' them to act out this way.

I've noticed that the bad behaviour is growing worse all the time; which is another reason that I need to walk away.  Honestly, I get the feeling that my dd invents new reasons to abuse me.  She's really got it in for me and I'm having a lot of trouble trusting her.

This thread has been really helpful to me.

Thanks a bunch.

~Bonnie

[Warshire]

I want to thank everyone for their suggestions and support.  It really helps to hear someone else’s advice.  We are all trying our best to navigate with the situations we are all involved in.  I realize now that the more we are doing for her, the more disrespectful she is becoming towards us. We have to stick to our boundaries.  In the past I wanted to do everything to stop her from hitting bottom, but I know now I can’t prevent it, only she can, with her choices and decisions that she makes. Remember the 3 “C”’s.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders