Conflicted and confused about bpdex contacting me

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Well, I’m pretty confused, so here goes for the conflicted board (first time posting on it).

My exbpdbf and I broke up 2 months ago. Our relationship of 3 years pretty much ended by him screaming names at me and threatening me of physical violence. As for many people here, it all started as a fairy tale, love bombing and all, before becoming truly horrible. I knew I could not rationally stay, as it was becoming dangerous for my physical safety… My final boundary was asking to be respected, whereas he claimed I had to adapt to his bpd (mind you, I had been actively reading for 3 years on the subject and was breaking my neck to adapt to his needs). So… we broke up and I moved out.

I was pretty much certain he would never contact me again. Surprise! He reached out to me through social media to tell me he was doing better and wanted to talk to me, about the future and to share his regrets of having treated me badly. I hesitated before replying because, well, I’m still afraid of him. At the same time, I was very curious about what he wanted to tell me and I had to give him back apartment keys. So I said yes and I suggested to meet him in a café next weekend, making sure I was safe in a public place and I had enough time to process all of this.

Ever since he wrote to me, I am so confused in my feelings. I was set on detaching and moving on. Now, it feels like I am not so sure anymore. All the good memories are coming back… Rationally, I know I could’nt stay in this type of relationship. The only thing that would have made me stay was if he had chosen to do therapy (he is diagnosed, very well aware of his bpd behaviors, but did not want to do therapy). At the same time, I was so sure he was moving on too that I am confused. He had told me he would not contact me when we broke up. Maybe he really is moving on, but it all feels so weird to me. We are still seeing common friends, though not at the same time. Maybe he just wants to be friends again (we were before being a couple).

Yes, I know, no matter his intentions, I have to sort out what I want. I know I don’t want to be treated the way I was. In my opinion, nobody deserves to receive the silent treatment, to be verbally and emotionally abused, nor to live in fear. Having a mental health disorder explains, but does not excuse these behaviors and does not make them acceptable. I am still resentful of having been treated that way… and I am angry at myself and ashamed for letting him treat me that way… I thought for so long that it was all my fault … I have still difficulty accepting it got to this point. I trusted and loved him so much.

I needed to write it to get it all out of my head… any comments of insights are welcomed. Thank you for reading.

[keepitup]

Well, I’m pretty confused, so here goes for the conflicted board (first time posting on it).

My exbpdbf and I broke up 2 months ago. Our relationship of 3 years pretty much ended by him screaming names at me and threatening me of physical violence. As for many people here, it all started as a fairy tale, love bombing and all, before becoming truly horrible. I knew I could not rationally stay, as it was becoming dangerous for my physical safety… My final boundary was asking to be respected, whereas he claimed I had to adapt to his bpd (mind you, I had been actively reading for 3 years on the subject and was breaking my neck to adapt to his needs). So… we broke up and I moved out.

I was pretty much certain he would never contact me again. Surprise! He reached out to me through social media to tell me he was doing better and wanted to talk to me, about the future and to share his regrets of having treated me badly. I hesitated before replying because, well, I’m still afraid of him. At the same time, I was very curious about what he wanted to tell me and I had to give him back apartment keys. So I said yes and I suggested to meet him in a café next weekend, making sure I was safe in a public place and I had enough time to process all of this.

Ever since he wrote to me, I am so confused in my feelings. I was set on detaching and moving on. Now, it feels like I am not so sure anymore. All the good memories are coming back… Rationally, I know I could’nt stay in this type of relationship. The only thing that would have made me stay was if he had chosen to do therapy (he is diagnosed, very well aware of his bpd behaviors, but did not want to do therapy). At the same time, I was so sure he was moving on too that I am confused. He had told me he would not contact me when we broke up. Maybe he really is moving on, but it all feels so weird to me. We are still seeing common friends, though not at the same time. Maybe he just wants to be friends again (we were before being a couple).

Yes, I know, no matter his intentions, I have to sort out what I want. I know I don’t want to be treated the way I was. In my opinion, nobody deserves to receive the silent treatment, to be verbally and emotionally abused, nor to live in fear. Having a mental health disorder explains, but does not excuse these behaviors and does not make them acceptable. I am still resentful of having been treated that way… and I am angry at myself and ashamed for letting him treat me that way… I thought for so long that it was all my fault … I have still difficulty accepting it got to this point. I trusted and loved him so much.

I needed to write it to get it all out of my head… any comments of insights are welcomed. Thank you for reading.

[cranmango]

Hey there keepitup—for what it’s worth, all of your different thoughts and feelings make sense. Meeting in a public place sounds reasonable.

What are you hoping to get from meeting in the cafe? What are things he could say/do that would be helpful? What are things he might say/do that could cause you further hurt?

And what are your plans for afterward? It could help to have something else lined up, to put a time limit on the meeting and help you protect your boundaries.

[Couscous]

At the same time, I was so sure he was moving on too that I am confused. He had told me he would not contact me when we broke up.

They do not ever keep their word about no contact — it’s just part of the game. This is why blocking them is essential if we really want to be able to break the spell, detach and move on. I would also like to encourage you to get some real life support, such as from a 12 step group.

You might find this video helpful: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=zdlH00ziJok

[ForeverDad]

I was pretty much certain he would never contact me again. Surprise! He reached out to me through social media to tell me he was doing better and wanted to talk to me, about the future and to share his regrets of having treated me badly. I hesitated...

There is often a pattern that is especially evident with people with BPD (pwBPD), more so than with reasonably normal people.

That pattern is:  Distance and time apart can lessen the impact of past life living close to the acting-out disordered person.  If you had only been a passing  or a coworker, you may have only noticed something 'off' about him.  But being in a close relationship made the disordered behavior more impactful, with him "letting his hair down", so to speak, in the close and private scenarios.  You are smart to remember and ponder your quite valid boundaries, they are there for your overall benefit, even protection.

Good that any future contact is in a public place with others around.  You could even bring a trusted friend or family member with you for support (and even an excuse to cut a visit short) if necessary.

Also, if you decide to cancel the meet, you can simply send the apartment keys to him through the mail.

[keepitup]

for what it’s worth, all of your different thoughts and feelings make sense.

Thank you cranmango, it does mean a lot to me to be validated. I feel relieved my thought process makes sense.

What are you hoping to get from meeting in the cafe? What are things he could say/do that would be helpful? What are things he might say/do that could cause you further hurt?

I must admit I want to satisfy my curiosity to hear what he has to say. What could be helpful, in an ideal world, an apology, though I'm very well aware it would be more about him (he apologized, therefore, he is not a bad person in his own eyes) than about me (truly recognizing his behavior hurt me). I think it could be a good thing to discuss about common friends, since I feel they don't know how to handle the situation and avoid having us at the same time. When I left, exbpdbf was giving them the silent treatment. It must be lonely without me because he is now seeing them regularly. I'd like to know what his intentions are.

What could hurt me would be him "playing mind games", putting the blame on me for our failed relationship. Though would it hurt me more? Not sure, since it would not be a surprise and it would strenghten my resolve to move on. So maybe being taken by surprise by his behavior would hurt me more, because it would shake my boundaries? Or getting sucked back in the relationship in the same patterns that made me feel sadness and resentment?

You might find this video helpful: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=zdlH00ziJok

Thank you, Couscous. Very interesting video. It explains pretty well the process I followed and which many of us here did, coming from justifying behaviors in extreme empathy (that is soo me) to letting go to get a chance for happiness.

  If you had only been a passing  or a coworker, you may have only noticed something 'off' about him.  But being in a close relationship made the disordered behavior more impactful, with him "letting his hair down", so to speak, in the close and private scenarios. 

Yes, yes and yes. I could not have better described how I was flabergasted when we moved together and I discovered what he could do. I knew he had bpd and that "something was off" but I thought "oh that's it! He's just a bit more emotional than us nons.". Oh how wrong I was, I learned it the hard way!