Hello.

[Tweedledum]

Im new to this forum but feel it will be helpful in my situation. My 40 year old daughter has recently been diagnosed with BPD. She has suffered wiith drpression for years. I have done all I can to support her over the years.

She has never been abusive towards me but she has shown an arrogant side at times. She will not listen when I try to give her some advice or guidance with any issue. She always goes on the defensive. Then when she gets in a mess she comes to me.

I have never interfered in my adult childrens' lives and dont expect them to live like me. I have only done what any caring mother would do.

It has got to the stage where I dont comment on anything then she complains that she doesnt have the relationship she wants with me. I have asked her what sort of relationship she wants. Ive not had an answer.

I dont know what she wants from me any more. Its so confusing and I have had experience if this with my ex who had BPD but undiagnosed.

It is so frustrating as this has been going on for years. My partner, who has given her lots of emotional and practical support has suffered from her bad behaviour too.

Im at the stage now where I have had enough. Recently a long term friend of hers walked away because they had had enough and I can understand why.

I have a long term health condition and feel like I now have to put some boundaries in place but its not easy as i have a beautiful grandaughter and dont want to be cut off from her. My daughter wants to have a further conversation with me but I havent got the energy to deal with it any more.

 Im sure there are people on here who can relate to my situation. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hello Tweedledum, glad you reached out -- welcome to the group 

These are difficult situations, where even though your D maybe hasn't said anything explicitly, you have a reasonable concern that if there is more conflict between you two, she will withhold your granddaughter from you. It's devastating to watch children get caught in the middle when BPD is involved -- of course you don't want that.

It can be a tricky needle to thread, as you're balancing your needs and care with wanting to be there for your granddaughter.

I do have just a few questions to learn more about your specific situation:

How old is your granddaughter? What has your relationship with her been like so far?
Does your daughter (and GD) live close to you?
Are either you or your D in counseling right now?

...

I think you're wise to realize that your own health is just as much a priority as anything else right now. If you aren't at your best, how can you help your granddaughter? It's kind of like the "airplane safety" talk -- first, you have to put on your own oxygen mask, and only then should you turn to help others.

What boundaries would you want to put into place, if you could wave a magic wand? And have you checked out our article on Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits yet? I'd be interested to hear your perspective on it.

Let us know how you've been doing -- we'll be here.

kells76

[Tweedledum]

Hi,
My grandaughter is 14 months old and my daughter has never threatened to stop me from seeing her. I live about 30 miles from them and it is usually me and my partner who make the effort to go to my daughter's although we are both inour 60s and not in good health.

I will take a look at thd Boundaries section on here.

Thank you for your quick response.

[Tweedledum]

I forgot to say that my daughter is having group therapy for BPD and I have had numerous counsellors over the years when I have discussed my relationship with my daughter.

[Tweedledum]

I really am at the end of my rope. I have dealt with this for the past 11 years and prior to that 9 years with my ex who had BPD. 20 years of trying to sort their heads out! I have tried everything advised by the professionals. I now need to protect my mental health and my partners.

She is also being enabled by her brother who has serious issues that he has never addressed.

I am working out hiw to have contact with my grandchild without engaging in my daughter's dramas. I do not want it this way but have come to the realisation that my daughter is toxic for me and my partner.