Is it enabling or helping?

[Baloo107]

Hi-I joined this group last week, and this is just my second post...
I'm looking for advice on helping my adult uBPD daughter, here's some brief background:
She and her boyfriend/husband lived with us for several years (October 2013 to March 2021)-he moved in with us--she has never left home. While living with us, they had three kids. Eventually, the chaos and drama proved too much for my husband and I, so we purchased a home in another state (where she wanted to move to) and moved them up there.
This was her first time ever being on her own. I think this caused a lot of stress and I saw her symptoms and behavior get worse-even though she was convinced that being on her own was the solution to all her issues. Since being in her own house (since March 2021), she has cut off contact with us a couple of times, and every visit we make ends in arguments her storming away.
I have recently entered therapy because I do not want to continue this roller coaster-while only a few weeks, I feel hopeful-atleast for me. What I am learning is that I have been enabling her behavior by rushing in to 'save' her when things go wrong-we have paid off her debts, purchased cars, tried unsuccessfully to get her into therapy...I'm sure this is a common story.
Fast forward to a few months ago-her minivan was totalled in an accident, and now she has no transportation (her husband needs the car to go to/from work) during the day. This has really escalated her behavior and self pity. She hasn't asked us directly for help, but will text things like "so, you aren't going to help?". We have been firm in not jumping in and waiting for her to ask with specificity, what she wants-part of our new learning about boundaries.
So, my question to this group is...would helping out with a car (we wouldn't buy one, we would lend her our spare vehicle) be enabling behavior on our part? Or would this be seen as helping? They don't make much money and have significant debt, so getting another car is likley many months of dedicated saving on thier part.
Advice appreciated!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

Very tough question.  My 24 year old BPD daughter has wrecked 5 cars so far (2 of them not hers), yet I just co-signed for a new vehicle for her a few months ago.  I feel like I'd have to ask several questions before I could answer your question.

1.  Is this her first major wreck?  Was it her fault?
2.  Is she generally a safe driver?
3.  How has she treated your cars in the past?
4.  Was the van insured?  Are they buying a new car soon?
5.  If you were to lend the extra car, would your rules be followed?
6.  Can you install something like Life360 on her phone as part of the deal so you can see she's driving safely?

Since there's grandkids involved, I personally would lend the vehicle without second thought...but I'm a pushover in that category.  Don't be like me, LoL.  If you are going to lend the extra car, make some ground rules and boundaries about how the car is driven and then stick to them.

[MLA1]

Hi - oh my how exhausting! and yet we are all there.
the only thing I would add to the other post is, what CAN they contribute. If not the whole car, will they cover the insurance and pay for at least something towards your loaner? Maybe they lease it from you at a big discount and pay the insurance... I think there is a middle ground that is a little bit of a stretch for them and not you doing all of it?

You are closer to it, but that might be a possible option.

I wish you a little bit of peace and hope you are not blaming yourself. there is no playbook that we all knew about going into this!

[Baloo107]

Here’s more information

1.  Is this her first major wreck?  No, she has a history of auto accidents. Was it her fault? This one however, was not her fault
2.  Is she generally a safe driver? She is easily distracted and drives too fast. She intends to be safe but is not a good driver in general
3.  How has she treated your cars in the past? Ok
4.  Was the van insured?  Are they buying a new car soon? They ended up with about $5K from insurance after the loan was closed. They have very little money and lots of debt. I doubt they would qualify for another auto loan.
5.  If you were to lend the extra car, would your rules be followed? Since we won’t be nearby, I can’t be sure.
6.  Can you install something like Life360 on her phone as part of the deal so you can see she's driving safely? I think this might trigger her.

Because there are grandkids involved, we are leaning toward offering the loaner. It might be that she rejects this since I think she wants a newer vehicle, but we are done with that kind of behavior.