Adult daughter and conversations

[Easyreader]

Hello,
How wonderful to find you all!
Our adult daughter, who has symptoms of BPD,  has conversations with me that involve many topics and problems. I speak about 1% of the time. She is single, lonely, anxious, scared, overwhelmed, and can't keep life in order. She speaks almost non stop. I am hard of hearing and use Google transcribe. Hence, listening is tiring. I often ask for time to process and get back to her. That boundary is difficult for her. She tells me that I never get back to her. There are times when I don't, however, I usually send a text or an email with my thoughts. I am decent at validating and can remain calm, even when my insides aren't. There comes a point, about an hour into a conversation, that I need to leave and process her words. I cannot listen and process well at the same time. I am not good orally (she knows that) and being nearly deaf makes it more difficult. I try not to just walk out. I wouldn't do that to a friend who was spilling her heart, so I figure treat my adult daughter with the same care. (I admit, a friend wouldn't tell me I hated her because I need to process and am obviously lying to her just to leave.) I try to gradually lessen the impact of the conversation and then find a natural leaving point. Often, she seems to get talked out (everything off her chest?) and is ok with me leaving. If I need to leave quickly, it usually works, but is not pleasant. If she is extremely agitated, she will stand in front of me to keep me from leaving. That has become rare. It has helped for me to read about how to talk with her.

What do others of you do in similar situations, please?

Thank you for your help. Bless you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Easyreader
I have read your post a few times - it is a difficult situation that's for sure. Hard enough even with excellent hearing, let alone trying to listen/respond when one has a hearing impairment.

I've been trying to work out the context of the conversations. Do these take place when you go to visit her? I think that is the case because you talk about 'leaving' so I am assuming that you have popped in and dd unloads on you?

She clearly needs to unload her anxieties etc on you - perhaps that is the way she works through things to find a solution herself. But she wants you to respond, and you say you send texts etc with your ideas.

Can you tell me how often this happens and whether I am correct in thinking that  it takes place when you visit her?

[Easyreader]

Hi Sancho,
She lives next door. Her kids stay with us most of the time because of her work/sleep schedule. She sometimes invites me to come chat. We usually have a significant chat about twice a week. Sometimes I drop in to pick up the children because it is bedtime and transitions are hard for them, so I help. I think you have hit the nail on the head about she is unloading. The intensity of the emotions and the number of problems presented can be overwhelming for me. Perhaps I need to change my expectations for conversations--simply accept that this is unloading, validate, reflect, ask a "how" or "what" question at times, summarize the problems, and continue to tell her I need time to process. I am a natural problem solver but I need time to think. If I were to go with the view that I was just there to listen to a vent, perhaps that would help my heart. I suppose I also need a plan for words to respond when she replies that I "never get back to her." Then I can text her ideas as they come to me.
You have certainly helped me think. I appreciate your kindness. Feel free to add any ideas that you have.

[Sancho]

Hi Easyreader and thanks for more details of your situation. You are very intertwined with your dd and grandchildren's lives and the support you are given is fantastic. It makes a huge difference that you are right there, making things work.

You clearly are committed to the support you are giving - it's the issue of the conversations that need to be addressed and reframed in some way. I think you are starting to open up a thinking process about this and I think it's a good idea to take your time to get your analysis of what it happening and your response right.

I think the start is the fact that you have identified yourself as a 'fixer'. So am I! It was like a lightbulb going on for me realising my pattern with a bpd dd. It went something like this:

BPD dd under pressure or a bit anxious unloads on me the fixer. I then feel responsible to find a solution - particularly when I could see that dd was making a choice that would lead to pretty awful consequences.

BPD dd then blames me for - well everything.

I wonder if the first step is to see if there is a pattern to these prolonged, emotional conversations. Particular days? When having to go to work? Prolonged caring for children?

Are issues repeated in these conversations?

Does dd end up following your suggestions or does she end up resolving it her own way? I think this is an important question as it goes to the degree to which she is either unloading or actually needing your advice.

Thinking this through could be step 1