How long does the silent treatment last?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

In the past it was 1-2 days tops but this time I’m drawing boundaries and changing my approach and it’s been a month.  It’s kinda nice not to have the drama but deep down I’m obviously deeply frustrating with her behavior. I’m at the point where I’m talking to divorce lawyers to learn my options because he mannerism is awful in front of the kids and k can’t have them impacted by this so we’ll see if she will come out better on the other end.

[Husband2014]

In the past it was 1-2 days tops but this time I’m drawing boundaries and changing my approach and it’s been a month.  It’s kinda nice not to have the drama but deep down I’m obviously deeply frustrating with her behavior. I’m at the point where I’m talking to divorce lawyers to learn my options because he mannerism is awful in front of the kids and k can’t have them impacted by this so we’ll see if she will come out better on the other end.

[Sluggo]

Sometimes months...  Probably 3 was longest...  And your right.  It's nice to be drama free during the rates  but sad to feel so alone in my own house   

[Turkish]

How do you see the kids affected by her mannerisms?

[Couscous]

I'm very sorry you are going through this. You might be able to get some clues from her family of origin as to how long her silent treatment might last as typically this a generational pattern of behavior and this is something she most likely learned in childhood. In my family the silent treatment can last for years. Generally it continues until the person has deemed that you have been sufficiently punished for whatever "crime" it was that you committed against them, but often they want some kind of groveling first. 

But no matter how long or short it lasts, it is always abusive, although it is likely that she doesn't consciously realize this. The only real option you have for it to stop is for you to explain that this behavior is unacceptable to you and that she would need to commit to no longer using the silent treatment when she's angry as a condition of your continuing the marriage. But it is quite possible that she will not be willing or able to make such an agreement, so you will need to be prepared for that possibility.

Because this a reaction to your having better boundaries, there is a slight possibility that this is long stretch of silence is temporary and when she realizes that your boundaries are here to stay she may eventually decide to accept the changes you are making. In order to speed this process up it might even be worth having a conversation with her where you tell her exactly that.

This article does a great job explaining the psychology behind the silent treatment: https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2021/03/psychology-of-silent-treatment-abuse/618411/

[Husband2014]

Yes honestly I’m just buying my time until the lawyer finishes the case and I also got 2 therapists to write letters of what they saw with her condition. The lawyer said that would at least get her mentally evaluated by the state.  Once I have all that I will walk away from the house and give her a couple weeks to either get into therapy or I’m walking. I can’t expose my kids to much more of that.  50% normal is better than 100% toxic and I need to protect them from just listening to her think.  Sad part is I’m dead inside and almost hope she picks a divorce over therapy.

[Turkish]

Sad part is I’m dead inside and almost hope she picks a divorce over therapy.

What keeps you from making the choice and not her?

I went through something similar, I think, in 2013. While the kids' mom conducted her relationship with her Beau, phoning it in like a "teen" mom, I waited for her to make her choice... though I knew deep down how it would play out. My friends told me that I should have piled her crap on the lawn, and even my T said I should have piled it inside by the front door. Yet none of them were in my position, just as I'm not in your position even if I can relate.

I had a sliver of hope that she would come back. Yet i thought about how I felt inside before I knew about her cheating: not exactly dead inside, but I didn't see us being together in the long run and I often felt like walking into the hills forever. She later blamed me for not getting us into counseling, blame shifting. It was brutal being away from my kids, but I also felt relief by being freed. I hope that you get there, and you can, to raise your kids in your time in your terms.

[ForeverDad]

In the past it was 1-2 days tops but this time I’m drawing boundaries and changing my approach and it’s been a month.

This could be brinkmanship, expecting you will blink first.  This may be a variation of an extinction burst where she is expecting you to cave and return to the prior status quo, her comfort zone.

[Husband2014]

Yes she always expected me to just trash my family because she thinks they gave her diabetes and hate her - not the ice cream she pounds daily and not following the doctors instructions and taking her ozempic.  This time I stood my
Ground and told her to pound sand. My reward? Silent treatment and saying awful things about my family my son.  My red line has always been the kids and that’s why I retained a lawyer and hopefully another few weeks when I see my case I will give her one last chance then I’m out.  My son is still 6 and I can salvage this before he’s 12 and I live with regret the rest of my life.  I made once mistake marrying her and I don’t want my kids to pay for that. 

[Husband2014]

What keeps you from making the choice and not her?

Quite frankly so I can have a clear conscious and move on without regrets. I know she’s sick and can’t control this and I want to give her every chance to help herself but I feel how I feel I guess and part of me kinda knows she will go ballistic and not listen to reason.  

[Husband2014]

This could be brinkmanship, expecting you will blink first.  This may be a variation of an extinction burst where she is expecting you to cave and return to the prior status quo, her comfort zone.

Part of me hopes it’s an extinction burst and she’s trying to punish me from not feeling what she feels but I’m not sitting there waiting for it.  Her family treats her just like they. Threats and abandonment and that’s all she knows.

[thankful person]

You might be able to get some clues from her family of origin as to how long her silent treatment might last as typically this a generational pattern of behavior and this is something she most likely learned in childhood. In my family the silent treatment can last for years.

My wife’s father has permanently disowned my wife’s two sisters (my wife is his 3rd daughter). One of them for getting pregnant as a teenager. One of them for choosing to spend Christmas with her boyfriend instead of the family, again as a teenager. This was over 20 years ago and he has 5 grandchildren he has never met. He says of my wife’s sisters “they are dead to me”, (though his wife still pursues a relationship with them). He did not attend our wedding for this reason.

He also disowned his own mother. The story is she knocked on the door one day when he was sick and got into an argument with his wife over how to look after him. There are no other family ties to this woman, so no one even knows if she’s still alive. This made me realise there is always the history, my wife’s father’s mother was also strange and probably because of her upbringing. Apparently she has made no effort to have a relationship with him since.

My father in law is actually a likeable person, which sits uneasily with me as my wife has told me he abused her. But I do not know the truth. (You’re opening a large can of worms if you ask me why I would question it…)

When I try to think of all these aspects together then it becomes clearer why my wife is so detached and so cold. Husband2014, I completely understand why you feel you want to give your wife the chance to make the choice about keeping the relationship. When I told my ex I was leaving him it was like omfg wow I had no idea there was such a simple way to make him treat me better. It was like I had uncovered a secret. But I don’t think it would work that way with my wife. It’s hard to feel like she needs me or would even be upset if I left.