Meeting w/ Wife Tomorrow

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I've been separated for about 8 months now, almost completely no contact for 6 months, and I'm meeting my wife tomorrow at the DMV to transfer her license plates to a different state (we live right on the border of two states; I'm in one, she's in the other).  We have talked some recently about bills and a little bit about our personal life, so I have no idea what to expect.

Here's my question.  I would like to reconcile with my wife still but at the same time, I realize she needs to get to that place on her own.  So I'm 100% fine giving her space and letting her do her own thing; she's working, going to church, and staying home with family the rest of the time.  So do I mention 'us' at all tomorrow?  Or should I just stick to business while being myself?

Also, what should I expect in terms of emotional stuff?  I'm sure that I've repressed a lot of feelings towards her that will come bubbling back up.

[Pook075]

I've been separated for about 8 months now, almost completely no contact for 6 months, and I'm meeting my wife tomorrow at the DMV to transfer her license plates to a different state (we live right on the border of two states; I'm in one, she's in the other).  We have talked some recently about bills and a little bit about our personal life, so I have no idea what to expect.

Here's my question.  I would like to reconcile with my wife still but at the same time, I realize she needs to get to that place on her own.  So I'm 100% fine giving her space and letting her do her own thing; she's working, going to church, and staying home with family the rest of the time.  So do I mention 'us' at all tomorrow?  Or should I just stick to business while being myself?

Also, what should I expect in terms of emotional stuff?  I'm sure that I've repressed a lot of feelings towards her that will come bubbling back up.

[peterng]

Hello,

I am not a professional caregiver.  I would say in your situation that it would be fair to let your wife know that you would like to keep seeing her.  I'd only tell her that once and it's up to you when an appropriate time would be to do that.

On the other hand I'd say #1 you've got to take care of yourself.  It sounds like you don't want the relationship with your ex wife to be over.  You've got to respect her wishes.  At the most, settle it for yourself and find out if she ever has any intention of coming back to you.  If not then move on.

Good luck and take care of yourself,
Pete

[kells76]

One concept I work with (when communicating with my DH's kids' mom, who has many BPD traits), is "one email, one topic". The idea is that you don't mix a bunch of stuff to deal with in one communication.

For example, if she's both not communicating with us about the kids' doctor appointments, AND I need to find out if I can take SD14 to an activity, we don't address both topics in the same email. I would do one email saying "Does it work with your schedule for me to take SD14 to XYZ on Day/Time, etc", and then a totally separate email at another time saying "Please inform us >24 hours in advance about the kids' doctor appointments, per the parenting plan which you wish us to follow".

It gets pretty blurry trying to juggle more than one topic with a pwBPD, especially if they're both important topics, and especially if there's an emotional component.

In my example, if I would've combined the topics, then likely the kids' mom would get emotionally triggered at the suggestion that she's not communicating openly, would project that back on us, and would then "punish" us by saying "no way can you take SD14 to XYZ".

Consider keeping some healthy boundaries by keeping business as business. It also might not be fair to either of you to start an emotional discussion (a) unexpectedly, and (b) at the DMV. I think about myself, and I would not want to talk about our relationship with my spouse at the DMV.

You can think about using the all-business DMV meeting to get a feel for where she is at. Give yourself a day or two, then decide if you want to send an email about your feelings about the relationship. It's a way to respect both of you to keep the two topics separate.

Food for thought --

kells76

[Pook075]

One concept I work with (when communicating with my DH's kids' mom, who has many BPD traits), is "one email, one topic". The idea is that you don't mix a bunch of stuff to deal with in one communication.

For example, if she's both not communicating with us about the kids' doctor appointments, AND I need to find out if I can take SD14 to an activity, we don't address both topics in the same email. I would do one email saying "Does it work with your schedule for me to take SD14 to XYZ on Day/Time, etc", and then a totally separate email at another time saying "Please inform us >24 hours in advance about the kids' doctor appointments, per the parenting plan which you wish us to follow".

It gets pretty blurry trying to juggle more than one topic with a pwBPD, especially if they're both important topics, and especially if there's an emotional component.

In my example, if I would've combined the topics, then likely the kids' mom would get emotionally triggered at the suggestion that she's not communicating openly, would project that back on us, and would then "punish" us by saying "no way can you take SD14 to XYZ".

Consider keeping some healthy boundaries by keeping business as business. It also might not be fair to either of you to start an emotional discussion (a) unexpectedly, and (b) at the DMV. I think about myself, and I would not want to talk about our relationship with my spouse at the DMV.

You can think about using the all-business DMV meeting to get a feel for where she is at. Give yourself a day or two, then decide if you want to send an email about your feelings about the relationship. It's a way to respect both of you to keep the two topics separate.

Food for thought --

kells76

That seems sensible enough, thanks Kells!

[cranmango]

One concept I work with (when communicating with my DH's kids' mom, who has many BPD traits), is "one email, one topic". The idea is that you don't mix a bunch of stuff to deal with in one communication.

This is so helpful. Thank you for sharing, kells. I am going to use this.

How did the meeting at the DMV go, Pook?

[Pook075]

This is so helpful. Thank you for sharing, kells. I am going to use this.

How did the meeting at the DMV go, Pook?

I drove over and when I was about 5 minutes away, my wife texted and said they were closed for Good Friday.  So I got a reprieve until Tuesday afternoon.

Thanks so much for checking on me though!