Am i kidding myself?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I had this in another board.. it was suggested I post on this board for advice, experiences, and or suggestions.

I have been married almost 28 years to the same woman.  Its had it major share of downs with a couple ups here and there.  We were married very young and in the beginning I attributed a lot of the impulsive actions and behaviors to be a result of marrying so young, and while I was hurt by a lot of the actions I continued to push through, although I slowly became an alcoholic, using alcohol to suppress my feelings.  There are so many details and experiences from 1995 thru 2016.. but by 2016 my wife had enough of the relationship and the drinking and I was asked to leave.  I moved out, I took the kids and the dogs with me.. I was a wreck for a few months, and then I started to pickup my life and the pieces and go things going…my wife had completely removed herself from my life and was dating and “moving on”.  So I conducted myself the same and started living my life…. and 7 months later after I met somebody and it became known to my wife, my life changed forever.

That’s when it became an immediate reversal of her wanting to be with me again, her admission to mistakes in the past, etc.. that is when the threats began to inflict problems with my career.. and while still having separate homes we had begun the process of trying to figure things out and “rekindle”.

A month or so passed by and I just wasn’t happy, I had realized a better life, healthy engagement with friends again, my family, I had been.. “set free”.. I was happy.  I expressed that I didn’t want to continue the marriage to my wife and it was like her entire life collapsed and that was the beginning to a very violent and chaotic 5 year period.  It kicked off immediately that day, with her driving her car directly into mine, proceeding to drive to our other home where another vehicle was located and destroy it.  Broken windows, slashed tires, dents, etc..

Over the next year I dealt with this reaction, I cleaned it up, and agreed to keep working on things with the understanding that I had caused all the pain and hurt for her to act that way.  Me not coming home early from work one day incited an attempt at suicide, physical violence towards (hitting, throwing objects, scratching) me if I wasn’t fully into her or supplying the required attention.  My drinking continued to worsen until the beginning of 2018, at which time I went to rehab and got sober.  I have had a different outlook and perspective on our marriage and relationship ever since I became sober, which I still am to this day.  2018 thru 2021 brought on a lot of violence towards me, outbursts, rage, chaotic behavior, driving away after taking pills, having the police involved, paramedics.. I felt that I just became this person to diffuse and keep diffusing so that violence and rage wouldn’t come.. typically I was the idiot or the wishful thinking one.. there would be moments when everything was calm and we would sit down and talk about our marriage and how it wasn’t working.. and the moment I agreed the best thing to separate and divorce.. kaboom!  Her world would collapse into these episodes and violence towards me.

While I knew this wasn’t acceptable behavior and I deserved more, I felt trapped and still to this day feel trapped because of the violence against me and unpredictable behaviors   of the past.  After each episode there was apologies and admission of shame, guilt, and wrong doing.  I suggested therapy.  She was always reluctant but did seek help with a “life coach” that, in her words, put her in a much better place.  The behavior continued.  She then found Neurofeed back therapy and after 100 sessions feels she is a great place, has control of her emotions, and is ready to accept anything in life and even losing me.  We are still married, living together under one roof but completely miserable together.  We don’t do anything, I have no interest to participate in anything she is involved with or plan anything.. im just done but.. trapped inside my head with what may happen.  Anytime there is conversation of divorcing or parting ways, I cave in and say we can make it work and reassure her “things will be ok”, “we are gonna get there”, “its just gonna take time”.   

I am at my wits end with this marriage and living with her and not being able to live my life in peace.. how do I break free of this feeling that the world will collapse if I try again?  would i be kidding myself to think she is actually going to be ok with ending things, and it would be amicable?

[Matt73]

I had this in another board.. it was suggested I post on this board for advice, experiences, and or suggestions.

I have been married almost 28 years to the same woman.  Its had it major share of downs with a couple ups here and there.  We were married very young and in the beginning I attributed a lot of the impulsive actions and behaviors to be a result of marrying so young, and while I was hurt by a lot of the actions I continued to push through, although I slowly became an alcoholic, using alcohol to suppress my feelings.  There are so many details and experiences from 1995 thru 2016.. but by 2016 my wife had enough of the relationship and the drinking and I was asked to leave.  I moved out, I took the kids and the dogs with me.. I was a wreck for a few months, and then I started to pickup my life and the pieces and go things going…my wife had completely removed herself from my life and was dating and “moving on”.  So I conducted myself the same and started living my life…. and 7 months later after I met somebody and it became known to my wife, my life changed forever.

That’s when it became an immediate reversal of her wanting to be with me again, her admission to mistakes in the past, etc.. that is when the threats began to inflict problems with my career.. and while still having separate homes we had begun the process of trying to figure things out and “rekindle”.

A month or so passed by and I just wasn’t happy, I had realized a better life, healthy engagement with friends again, my family, I had been.. “set free”.. I was happy.  I expressed that I didn’t want to continue the marriage to my wife and it was like her entire life collapsed and that was the beginning to a very violent and chaotic 5 year period.  It kicked off immediately that day, with her driving her car directly into mine, proceeding to drive to our other home where another vehicle was located and destroy it.  Broken windows, slashed tires, dents, etc..

Over the next year I dealt with this reaction, I cleaned it up, and agreed to keep working on things with the understanding that I had caused all the pain and hurt for her to act that way.  Me not coming home early from work one day incited an attempt at suicide, physical violence towards (hitting, throwing objects, scratching) me if I wasn’t fully into her or supplying the required attention.  My drinking continued to worsen until the beginning of 2018, at which time I went to rehab and got sober.  I have had a different outlook and perspective on our marriage and relationship ever since I became sober, which I still am to this day.  2018 thru 2021 brought on a lot of violence towards me, outbursts, rage, chaotic behavior, driving away after taking pills, having the police involved, paramedics.. I felt that I just became this person to diffuse and keep diffusing so that violence and rage wouldn’t come.. typically I was the idiot or the wishful thinking one.. there would be moments when everything was calm and we would sit down and talk about our marriage and how it wasn’t working.. and the moment I agreed the best thing to separate and divorce.. kaboom!  Her world would collapse into these episodes and violence towards me.

While I knew this wasn’t acceptable behavior and I deserved more, I felt trapped and still to this day feel trapped because of the violence against me and unpredictable behaviors   of the past.  After each episode there was apologies and admission of shame, guilt, and wrong doing.  I suggested therapy.  She was always reluctant but did seek help with a “life coach” that, in her words, put her in a much better place.  The behavior continued.  She then found Neurofeed back therapy and after 100 sessions feels she is a great place, has control of her emotions, and is ready to accept anything in life and even losing me.  We are still married, living together under one roof but completely miserable together.  We don’t do anything, I have no interest to participate in anything she is involved with or plan anything.. im just done but.. trapped inside my head with what may happen.  Anytime there is conversation of divorcing or parting ways, I cave in and say we can make it work and reassure her “things will be ok”, “we are gonna get there”, “its just gonna take time”.   

I am at my wits end with this marriage and living with her and not being able to live my life in peace.. how do I break free of this feeling that the world will collapse if I try again?  would i be kidding myself to think she is actually going to be ok with ending things, and it would be amicable?

[ForeverDad]

I was asked to leave.  I moved out, I took the kids and the dogs with me...

I find it very surprising that she let you leave with the kids.  Many members have reported that their spouses, especially the wives, fought tooth and nail to keep control of the kids and therefore attempted control of the members.

So I conducted myself the same and started living my life…. and 7 months later after I met somebody and it became known to my wife, my life changed forever.

That’s when it became an immediate reversal of her wanting to be with me again...

I am at my wits end with this marriage and living with her and not being able to live my life in peace.. how do I break free of this feeling that the world will collapse if I try again?  would i be kidding myself to think she is actually going to be ok with ending things, and it would be amicable?

No the world will not collapse again as it did before since this time you are more informed and prepared and with more resources and support than before.  In other words, you know better what to do and what to avoid.  It won't be a cakewalk of course, but you can handle it better this time around.

You started moving on with your life before and as soon as she realized it she yanked you back.  It's very likely she will make ending things (a divorce) quite difficult, she will try to sabotage you again.  Sorry, probably not amicable but it's hard to predict how obstructive she will be and in which ways.

One difference is that the children are several years older now, probably few if any are still minors, or will soon be adults.  That means custody and parenting will be moot issues.  There will still be potential spousal support, alimony and division of assets and debts issues to deal with, perhaps too allegations of DV and other attempts to make you appear worse than your spouse.  A solid and even proactive legal defense should handle that.

Remember that when preparing for separation and divorce, much of your consultations with lawyers and their suggested strategies must be private and confidential.  Sharing too much information (TMI) with your stbEx could enable her to sabotage your plans and future.

[AskingWhy]

Do not forget to read,  "Splitting," by Bill Eddy, social worker and lawyer, on divorcing a borderline.  You can buy this as a Kindle or e-book for privacy.  Borderlines lie to lawyers and judges without thinking twice.

[Matt73]

@foreverDad... thank you for the response and comments.   Over the past several weeks my spouse and I have had several discussions regarding divorce and everything always seems so amicable and I keep hearing.. "we should just be cool with each other, you go your way, I go my way.. I don't want to fight you for anything.. let's just figure this out together" but in the back of mind my mind is the times I agree to this way of thinking, talking, and ideas.. just to have something thrown at me or physical aggression towards me begin.. so I back down, tell her we can work on things and sort this out.. knowing that I will never be in a place to love or look at her with loving eyes again.  It kills me inside to BS her like that but I justify for my own safety.  Over this period of weeks we have these talks.. like wash, rinse, repeat.. they all start the same way, they all end the same way..and I have been feeling comfortable to express more and more of my feelings towards the relationship, the past, the things we have been through and the toll they have taken on me..  except for this morning.  I see a therapist once a week, and the bulk of our conversations and therapy has been recognizing and recovering from living with and being married to someone with BPD.  so last night my spouse asked me, how was your therapy session today.. I replied, "fine, I don't really want to talk about it or rehash it"... and right then and there is just kicked in with her the mood went from 80 -> 25 in seconds.. talking for the next several hours.  Finally fell asleep.  This morning.. it resurfaced again.. and she asked again and out of frustration I told her that my therapist and I spoke of the relationship and possible outcomes of it...   wow! It was like a light switch.. the intensity in her eyes, the shear focus on my.. the intently staring.. the rage building inside.. I could see and feel it.  At this point I am getting anxious like something is about to pop off and something is gonna start flying whether its an object or her fists.. but through slowly talking and then reassuring again that I am not leaving, there is no abandonment gonna happen, we will figure things out.. within couple hours .. its very smoothed out and she's back to being so overly loving.  I think I have finally and once and for all come to the realization that (this may sound crazy ) but I now feel like I am dealing with somebody that has a true mental condition.. a personality disorder .. where before, through it all, I just never accepted it ..   so now I am left with wondering.. what to do, how to escape this.. the talking isn't going to work.. I can't fix, rewire, or decode this.. do people just run?

[ForeverDad]

Divorce is about splitting the financial assets, debts, ownership, etc (which is more or less straightforward) and the big sticky wicket, arriving at a custody and parenting schedule.

What are your kids' age ranges?  I'm guessing they're mostly grown?  Court involves itself with minors under age 18.  Even the older teens usually aren't that crucial at court since they can always "vote with the feet", especially if they can drive a vehicle.  A custody order has the most impact on pre-teens and younger.

The longer you have majority time with the kids before filing in court, the better it is for the court to agree to keep the same arrangement as before since it will conclude it was working.

Of course, disordered (and acting-out) people such as pwBPD can find surprising ways to create firestorms and obstructions that delay and sabotage.

[livednlearned]

It takes tremendous strength to not feel emotionally injured in a BPD relationship. It also takes strength to leave.

Bullies beat us down and make us doubt ourselves. We forget who we are and lose touch with what we can do. The fear, the obligation, the guilt can feel crushing when we do reasonable things like prioritize our needs, a normal (healthy) thing to do.

What kind of support feels most useful for you? I felt tremendous fear when people kept saying the only option was to leave. Do you feel you're ready to go? What felt manageable was documenting my circumstances. That I could do. I could plan how I would leave safely. Only do this if you feel like you are ready to have duplicity in your marriage. You have to be able to trust yourself like a best friend you love dearly and care about.

Do you have people around you? It's not uncommon to have our lives reduced to no one. BPD tends to lead to degrees of isolation.

I'm glad you reached out. These are times to have people to talk to and share what you're going through. 

[Matt73]

@foreverDad...my kids are 25 (moved far away) and 17 (less than three months from 18).  I have an attorney that has been on this journey with me since I first started trying to break away (she hasn't given up on me through all the ups and down and back and forth)..and thank you!

@livednlearned...  thank you for your support and words!  I never really took inventory of those around me.. I don't have that many around me anymore, over the years I've pushed several people away either bc I couldn't hold commitments to doing things with them or embarrassed that they are aware of the craziness I have been through and still stick around.. One of the scary things of just leaving is being alone bc all the friends are gone.  Then I am just left with myself and somebody that will be harassing and make my life difficult.  I think the most frustrating words to hear are "just move on.. just leave.." seems so simple, so easy.. very far from it.  Im at the point again where Im exploring apartment options and plotting a move.. the feelings of guilt associated with leaving are intense and I wrestle with them every day. 

[ForeverDad]

Divorce is about splitting the financial assets, debts, ownership, etc (which is more or less straightforward)...

Of course, disordered (and acting-out) people such as pwBPD can find surprising ways to create firestorms and obstructions that delay and sabotage.  So what should be obvious and straightforward is often lost among the complaints and obstruction.

With custody not a factor, I suggest you never name a disorder or diagnosis to her or the court.  Why?  You don't want her to claim support because of her (mental) health or that you caused it.

You need a clean split.  What can make it a little less painful is to subtly prepare and get your ducks in a row.

• Without fanfare, start moving your favorite mementos to a safe place she cannot access.  It's amazing how so many possessions can be claimed by the ex, if not simply disappear.
• Quietly start copying important documents, accounts, favorite photos, passports, birth certificates, etc.  The goal is to secure elsewhere what you need without triggering the other spouse.
• Protect what money you have.  Joint accounts can be raided by either spouse.  You wouldn't apportion more than half for yourself (perhaps more if you were going to pay marital bills with it) but typically our stbEx's have no compunction against draining accounts or rack up the bills.
• Joint credit accounts are usually difficult to close, companies often won't close joint accounts unless it is paid off in full but the stbEx will just keep charging.
• Remember, your inheritances are yours alone, as long as you keep them in separate accounts and don't mix them with marital funds or marital assets.
• Listen to your lawyer.  His task is to protect you from unreasonable harm, though he'll happily bill you for services rendered.
• Bounce questions and ideas off us in peer support.

[Matt73]

im going to try again to move and stay moved out.  I have secured an apartment (furnished) and I will only have to bring my clothes.

my wife and I have had many long discussions about how things have deteriorated with us and she is understanding of how her actions of impulsivity and recklessness have affected me beyond repair or for that matter just the simple desire to try and make them work.  While I am told that those things are all in the past and I should just move on from them and "live in the present".  I explain over and over that doesn't work for me but I might as well be talking to a brick wall.  and all the bpd mind games and alluding come into play.. the force is strong in this one. 

however, I'm still slightly conflicted.  not with my wants or desires for happiness, or that I have been severely wronged, and mistreated for years but.. my course of action when I leave and how I should leave.  I feel like a phone call that "im not coming back" is the safest way to handle it, I feel like I just need to be gone and not get wrapped up in the head games and threat of what could potentially happened again (the violent outrages).  but I feel that way is also lacking respect and "being adult" about things.. that the action of just up and leaving will trigger the abandonment reaction even more.  idk?

I wish I could just have a conversation and explain exactly what it is she's been doing and suffers from.. what happens when you tell someone with bpd that they have bpd? 

[tranch]

You threw me for a twist when you implied at the end she doesn't know she has BPD.

I would not bring it up at this point. You have seen and lived through enough to judge that it's no longer worth the rollercoaster.

I'm curious to hear from others about how you might help her realize that for her own journey, but...it sounds like your mind is made up I would not complicate it by opening that can of worms.

[GlennT]

It was nice to read that you do not mind taking off the rose-colored glasses. My ex never wanted to accept they had a problem. Even with the therapy and meds. It was always somebody else, anyone within striking distance, even the innocent kids. You must realize that a borderline personality disorder is not far from being a delusional antisocial psychopathic personality disorder about admitting wrongful acts. Even when mine went to therapy and took meds, it was only to make themselves look good for appearances. But it was only a time-out.In the end, they do not change very much or really feel they were wrong. They are the smooth relationship psychopaths and easily move on after the discard. Mine is nearly 70 years old and still looking for another new fool for another new fix, on dating sites.

[kells76]

Hi again Matt73, thanks for updating us on where things are at.

...I feel like a phone call that "im not coming back" is the safest way to handle it, I feel like I just need to be gone and not get wrapped up in the head games and threat of what could potentially happened again (the violent outrages).  but I feel that way is also lacking respect and "being adult" about things.. that the action of just up and leaving will trigger the abandonment reaction even more.  idk?

It's smart of you to work through those questions here, and it's good that you recognize that your safety is a key variable.

I'm curious about your mention of what might happen after you leave -- the violent outrages and her abandonment reaction.

After you leave, how would you be exposed to that? Help me understand why how she reacts would be an issue, if you're not there.

(I want to suggest that with these concerns, chatting with the National Domestic Violence Hotline could be really helpful in your situation. It's anonymous to reach out, and you aren't required to do anything they suggest. You're really in the driver's seat, they are just giving you feedback to help you make wise decisions)

...

I wish I could just have a conversation and explain exactly what it is she's been doing and suffers from.. what happens when you tell someone with bpd that they have bpd?  

I get it -- I think many of us here on the boards wish that the pwBPD in our lives would get help. Truly, their lives and our lives would be better if somehow we could get through to them.

Because the challenges of BPD often increase as the relationship is more intimate, and as a romantic relationship is typically the most intimate relationship, unfortunately pwBPD often are deeply inhibited from really hearing what a partner has to share. Sometimes, for a pwBPD to take in diagnostic-type information, it has to be from an emotionally neutral, non-intimate person, and even then, because shame is such a big part of BPD, it can be difficult.

Have you had a chance to check out our article on Anosognosia and Getting a "Borderline" into Therapy yet? Take a look and let us know if it resonates with you.

All that being said, sometimes no matter how the other person will or won't respond, there are things we choose to do for our own integrity and values.

It could certainly be possible to leave a letter on the table for her, if you have beliefs that you need to do that for your own integrity.

While it's unlikely that telling her in the letter that she has BPD would have the impact you hope for, you could approach it from a slightly different angle:

"If you are ever at a place where you think it'd be helpful for you to hear my perspective on your traits and behaviors, please do reach out. Until then, I hope that you find healing and support. -Matt73"

That could put the ball in her court, where if she is in a place to maybe hear some stuff from you, she'll let you know, instead of you trying to "make her see" things at a really, really emotionally heightened time (separation) where honestly, not much is going to rationally get through and stick.

...

Lots of food for thought, so I'll try to wrap up. My last question to you would be:

im going to try again to move and stay moved out.

What pieces do you think you need to be successful at staying moved out? What choices might you make daily to help you with that?

[Matt73]

What goes through my head after I leave is this…this is all based on base experience.  Who knows what could happen?  That’s the really underlying issue here, isn’t it? 

Typical example … I leave, 10-15mins later the phone is ringing, the threats begin of destroying whatever it is I have left behind,  ruining any of my remaining relationships with friends by telling them that I am the unstable one and have ripped our family apart… I combat that verbally with, idc, do what you need to do, then the actual assault on my stuff left behind begins, the tossing of all of my stuff into a) our pool b) the front lawn/driveway.  I have combatted that in the past with .. idc.. “its just stuff” and “do you “see your actions are the exact reason I can’t remain in this relationship.. “ … then apologies begin… and I myself move into “diffuse mode” and begin talking to her to calm her down, reassure that I will come back after some cooling off time.. all returns back to normal.. I’ve also experience cars being practically destroyed, ramming the house with her car, suicide attempts (bottle of pills and a bottle of wine).. I’ve been through a lot.

In our brief separation where we were living apart, the raging text messages and harassment at all hours of the night.. showing up at my house in the middle of the night crying, begging, not to give up on us..

In the end, I feel like its the ambiguity of it all and what could potentially happen … I just don’t know.

All these things and actions I did bc “I just want you to love me”, “I’m starving for your attention and affection”. 

To make the move out last, I have to be strong, believe that the worst will not come, know that I can deal with what does come… try to connect dots one at a time, not try to jump ahead and think about 5 dots down the road ..

[Matt73]

I think one of the harder things to wrap my head around, and I am hoping that I am not the only one experiencing this, is my swBPD can be great also, things can be fine and normal-ish for up to several days (although im walking on eggshells waiting for it), its almost like we are on a 72hour cycle... so I almost get in this mode thinking to myself, maybe there isn't a problem... then the cycle repeats.. ugh! :-)

[tranch]

@kells76, great suggestion about asking her to "let me know if you are interested in hearing my perspective on your behavior." I'm going to remember that . I think it can be dangerous because it's a two-way street. You'd better be ready to hear THEIR perspective.

To Matt73, I totally feel you with the cycle. This is what keeps us in, is hope and clinging to the good things and having hope there will be progress. I'm struggling that in my own situation, and I'm worried that once I decide to try to separate, she will eventually be so interested in growing and becoming who she wants to be (more consistently) and I won't be able to resist that.

So I think we need to know what we want and what our plan is. Do you want this to be permanent or not? You're leaving a bit up in the air, because you have two separate threads you're considering, 1.) how's she going to react/what am I gonna have to deal with?, 2.) do I know whether I want to end this or am I open to keep working on it?

Number 2 is ultimately the more important first question. What exactly do you want, and if you're undecided long-term, what is it that you at least short-term want? (example: a trial separation?)

Once you know that and are ready to make your plan, then you can start prepping yourself for number 1. You said at one point, "idc, do whatever you need to do." That sounds like engaging and possibly even goading from her point of view.

I think you do care.

So how will you react? Examples: If she destroys your/jointly owned things, call the police. If she threatens anyone or tries to hurt you, run and call the police. I'm not sure about the kids, I'm sorry that's a very tough one I don't have enough experience or knowledge to chime in. If she threatens to hurt herself, call emergency services/police. Honestly, I'm guessing that the police can help route to the right emergency response in a lot of these situations.

This is really up to you. Maybe, for example, when it comes to things, you want to totally let that go, but I'm sure you will make a plan for danger to any people involved.

[livednlearned]

Do you want us to help you think through possible scenarios and how best to keep yourself (and her) safe?

You know her best. What is your best guess for what she will do when she discovers you left?

What behaviors are likely to lead you to back into the relationship?

If you are not able to keep yourself safe, it will be nearly impossible for her to make changes. Being in a relationship with someone who struggles with this disorder requires having tremendous emotional strength. You have to have safeguards in place to keep yourself safe, and enact them consistently until it becomes habit. Being abused for years can make it nearly impossible for many of us to summon that strength. We need what little we have to take care of ourselves, after years being kicked down.

Going to therapy because she doesn't want to be alone is not the same as going to therapy because she wants to feel better. The former is about persuading you to stay and once she achieves her goal why stay in therapy? The latter is about recognizing she needs help.

Other responses, like violence or suicide attempt, are safety issues. It's a good idea to have a plan for what you will do since most likely your emotions will flood and it will be hard to think things through carefully in the heat of the moment.

Friends here can help, and so can the people you can talk to using the resouces kells76 shared.

[ForeverDad]

What goes through my head after I leave is this…
Typical example … I leave, 10-15mins later the phone is ringing, the threats begin of destroying whatever it is I have left behind,  ruining any of my remaining relationships with friends by telling them that I am the unstable one and have ripped our family apart… I combat that verbally with, idc, do what you need to do, then the actual assault on my stuff left behind begins, the tossing of all of my stuff into a) our pool b) the front lawn/driveway.  I have combatted that in the past with .. idc.. “its just stuff” and “do you “see your actions are the exact reason I can’t remain in this relationship.. “ … then apologies begin… and I myself move into “diffuse mode” and begin talking to her to calm her down, reassure that I will come back after some cooling off time.. all returns back to normal..

To make the move out last, I have to be strong, believe that the worst will not come, know that I can deal with what does come… try to connect dots one at a time, not try to jump ahead and think about 5 dots down the road ..

You are right to leave but she knows how to draw you back to her comfort zone by starting to destroy stuff, your possessions, the car, anything.  As tranch wrote, "Examples: If she destroys your/jointly owned things, call the police. If she threatens anyone or tries to hurt you, run and call the police."  Be clear when you call the police.  By her behaviors and actions and rages, this is abuse.

She is NOT sometimes bad and sometimes good.  This repeating pattern is overall bad and dysfunctional.

Just be sure you have this documented whether by witnesses, photos, video or audio recordings before you call the police.  Believe it or not, she will Deny it all and Blame Shift, claiming You are the one who raged and went on the destructive rampage.  Believe us, you may be the innocent victim but she can probably out-victim you and you'll find yourself calling your lawyer from a weekend in jail.

When I called the police, I had a voice recording of what my then spouse said and did.  She was arrested for Threat of DV.  I was granted a TPO (temp order of protection).  Though it didn't last for more than a few months, it did allow me to have safe 'possession' of our residence and she never returned (except for her own personal items) since the separation transitioned into a divorce.

Frankly, just taking your clothes with you is not enough, leaving behind your other possessions assures her that she can force you back, as before.  It is good that your children are grown or nearly so, they can move out with you.  (Or circumstances may impel her to be the one leaving.)

I think one of the harder things to wrap my head around, and I am hoping that I am not the only one experiencing this, is my swBPD can be great also, things can be fine and normal-ish for up to several days (although im walking on eggshells waiting for it), its almost like we are on a 72hour cycle... so I almost get in this mode thinking to myself, maybe there isn't a problem... then the cycle repeats.. ugh! :-)

We all have "been there, done that".  Our brains tell us to leave and let us imagine it's over and this time was the last time... but it's not.  All the normalizing in the world won't change what's happening.  This is a roller coaster cycle, it is not fun, it's sickening and time to exit and never get back on.  This is her comfort zone, not yours.  We were being  brainwashed into accepting that leaving and returning are okay strategies, they're not.