Need Advice about Divorcing BPD Spouse

[OnPinsAndNeedles]

After over a decade of marriage, and the abuse that goes along with being married to his spouse with BPD, our son called us to tell us that he and his wife are divorcing.  I'm concerned that she will be especially vindictive.  She already is expecting to get well over half of everything they own, and we're expecting the child custody battle to be especially contentious.  We feel certain that she is already turning their daughter against him.  For those of you who have divorced a BPD spouse, or are now going through a divorce, do you have any advice to offer on what to expect and any recommendations on what we should be vigilant about?  Also, would it be worth sharing with the divorce lawyer some of the stories about her rages that we've witnessed that were directed towards her children? 

Thanks!

[ForeverDad]

Welcome, though of course we wish your circumstances hadn't made it necessary for you to search us out.  But we are here for your family's education in skills and strategies.  The divorce process is filled with many surprises, unexpected traps and overall angst.

Would your son like to register here?  Keep in mind of course that this site should not be revealed to the acting-out disordered spouse!  Your son should view this as a matter of privacy and confidentiality, similar to the advice from his lawyer.  Speaking on that topic, when a person is trying to repair a marriage then sharing information is important but once the relationship is ending then priorities change and communication should be limited to only needed financial disclosures and parenting matters such as exchanges and children's health, etc.  So avoid revealing TMI, especially strategies.  Our pwBPD are experts at sabotage and obstruction.

So that you don't miss out on assorted ideas and strategies, look through the threads on this board.  Many have arrived here and asked your question and you'd be wise to read their replies.  It's amazing how the different situations reported usually include replies with similar suggestions.

Many books described in our books board are especially helpful, including Splitting by William Eddy (focused on the divorce process) and Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak (focused on the children).

Splitting emphasizes not just any lawyer is up to the task ahead.  Many are excellent for simpler cases if all that is needed is forms filing and hand holding.  While you may not find a lawyer with a shingle stating "I handle Borderline cases", when interviewing several and hearing their experience and possible strategies, you should get a feel for a short list of both experienced and proactive attorneys.  I recall that an apt question could be, "If you were facing a very high conflict divorce case like mine, who would you choose to represent you?"  That too can help narrow whom to choose.

As strange as it may sound, many of the acting-out PD divorces described here do end with settlements.  Courts aim for settlement and will do almost anything to avoid outright trials.  Sure, there will still be loose ends and post-divorce your son may still file for issues that pop up later, but even now your son can make a list of which issues need priority when the time comes for wrapping up the final decree's terms.  Be aware that at that point with the finish line in sight the lawyers will be in a rush to finalize everything and could overlook some crucial issues and concerns your son could have.

This reminds me of the time I typed up a detailed list of issues before one court hearing.  It had 11 pending and ongoing issues.  Unfortunately I organized them by topic, not priority.  We had only a brief time at the hearing (often only a half hour) and we only addressed maybe 3 items.  I was so frustrated with myself.

Courts typically start with a short hearing to issue a "temp order" then order a mediation attempt, it's okay if it fails but son should make an honest attempt (though without sacrificing himself).  Unfortunately our cases are often long and protracted, so realize up front that a supposedly temporary order may persist for one, two or more years.  So best advice is that son and his lawyer needs to try hard to get the best (or "least bad") terms in the temp order.

Counseling is very recommended.  My own lawyer said, "Courts love counseling!"  Even if one parent (yes, the person with BPD - pwBPD whether diagnosed or not) opposes counseling for the kids, courts usually agree that professional counseling is beneficial for the kids.  Of course, counseling is good for the parents too, such as for your son, but it is very unlikely his spouse will agree to meaningful therapy and even more unlikely to follow through on a therapist's advice for very long.

There is a lot of education for tools, skills and whatnot here.  Browse our Tools and Skills workshops board here.

[zachira]

Because your DIL is especially vindictive, it is very important that your son understand about domestic violence laws where he lives. In my area and many places, someone has to be arrested if there is a complaint of DV (which can be just from raised voices or one party decides to make a false claim) and the man is considered to be the agressor because he is stronger than she is, unless she has a weapon.

[ForeverDad]

I recorded myself (oops, and if her raging at me happened to be recorded too, so be it) in the months before separation and for a long time afterward (even after the divorce was final) at exchanges, etc.  Of course I did it on the down-low, I never waved my voice recorder in her face (no smart phones then) and I did not want to actually create incidents after all.

Still, despite all my precautions, the police got involved and we separated.  She was even charged with DV in municipal court.  After a few months of continuances the judge dismissed the case, ruling she was not guilty since she didn't have a weapon in her hands.  Yet when before the family court while her DV case was still pending, her case elsewhere was never mentioned yet the docket number was listed on her filing when she tried to block me from our preschooler.  That magistrate followed the unwritten default preference to mothers and this mother got temp custody and temp majority time.  I had done nothing wrong yet I got no temp custody and only alternate weekends until the final decree two years later.

Later I was informed that courts often view DV charges separately from child abuse or child care matters.  Who would have even imagined my spouse was essentially two disconnected people... a spouse and a parent with one good and one not so good?  Yet that can be a legal perspective we have to deal with... an adult relationship versus a parenting relationship.

If I could go back in time I would have tried to voice the facts but even so I don't know if even that would have changed the outcome.  Probably not.  All we had was a half hour appearances before that temp order, if that much.  But at least I would have tried a little more than I did to at lest try for a "less bad" start.

And despite even CPS standing up and stating they had "no concerns" about me, I still faced several child abuse claims filed against me by a desperate separated spouse everywhere possible... CPS, hospitals, county sheriff offices where exchanges were made, etc.  I lost count.  All were ignored or passively ruled "unsubstantiated" even though a more direct "unfounded" would have been more accurate.

Since our legal struggles started with her DV case, I was spared facing claims of DV against me (except once years later when I had filed for full custody).  It didn't stop her claiming child abuse or that she feared big bad me.

[hankmorgan]

Boy do I have experience here! I live in Hawaii. One day I came home from work to find the my BPD wife had taken our kids back to the Mainland with the intention of cutting me off entirely. I would later learn that this was planned.

We ended up with divorce cases in two states (which isn't really legal) and fought over jurisdiction. She lost the fight for jurisdiction, but appealed (an insane step) believing that she could set a new national precedent for the UCCJEA. Despite all this, I consider mine a success story. I spent 1/4 of what her family spent, and I never left a courtroom disappointed. This is because I was unbelievably lucky in the advice I was given at the beginning of our separation.

First, I filed for divorce as quickly as possible. It took me 10 days from the time she left. I didn't actually want a divorce, but it was necessary because I NEEDED a custody order. Without one, she could keep me away from our kids and establish a status quo that no family court judge would upend. YOU CANNOT ALLOW A BPD TO ESTABLISH A CHILD CUSTODY STATUS QUO. It was the pastor of my church that gave me this advice. Its ironic, but divorce was the only tool I had to keep my family together.

Weeks after I filling for divorce got an Ex Parte motion granting me full custody of our two young children.  Then I went to Kansas City, and two sherif's deputies and a social worker served her the divorce/custody order and returned our kids to me. We jumped on a plane and came home to Hawaii.

This was the whole ball game. I'd won the privilege of raising my kids before our legal fight really begun. We still had an ugly divorce and she fought for full custody (and argued that I shouldn't even have visitation rights), but everything she did after that was a Hail Mary, and had no chance of succeeding.

Unfortunately, many good fathers and loving husbands loose the privilege of parenting before they even realize it's in jeopardy. The worst mistake you can make is to allow a BPD partner to alienate you from your children for ANY length of time. Don't offer to move out. Don't let her take the kids. It's tempting to think a little time will allow things to cool off - it might even be true - but if things wind up in court, you will have lost already.

[dtkm]

Hankmorgan…your post brings me a glimmer of hope. My uBPDh filed for divorce (again…x 2) a week ago. This is after moving out about a month ago. During this time I have set the president that the kids live with me. With the exception of 3 hours on my son’s birthday, they have not been with him without me. I refuse to let them go over to his house alone. He has played me and manipulated me to make me look like a crazy person…knowing I don’t want a divorce so looking like he will call it off just to let me down and make me look crazy when he does so. I want to say I am done…but as the pattern goes…who knows!  But I need to be done for my kids. He hasn’t paid for a single thing for either of his kids in months, he has called maybe 2 times to talk to them in the month and he has stopped coming ti most events he used to go to for the kids. I told him in Friday after he played me…to stay away from all  to help…

[dtkm]

Oops…not sure what happened there…of the kids events. I want him away from all of us. This is our family…you don’t get to pick and choose who is a part of it. Having set the president that I am here for the kids all of the time I am hoping will help me, as I am shooting for full custody…no exceptions. He keeps saying the court will give him time, but I hope they see reality and that the best place for the kids is at home with their true family that cares about them.

[ForeverDad]

Having set the precedent that I am here for the kids all of the time I am hoping will help me, as I am shooting for full custody…no exceptions. He keeps saying the court will give him time, but I hope they see reality and that the best place for the kids is at home with their true family that cares about them.

If he contests this in court and court doesn't have much in-depth documentation, then yes court may be inclined to assign him time, perhaps similar to what I had during my temp order - alternate weekends and an evening in between.

We had a court order psych evals early in our case for both of us.  That started as a good thing but I flubbed it.  The risk with such orders is three-fold.  First, if only you get ordered to comply then you are typically seen as the accused and the other as the victim, not good.  You need the other parent to be scrutinized too!  If any order could cast you as the perp or let the other parent avoid being scrutinized, then if at all possible, get any ordered evaluations applied to both of you.  Second, these are only an overview of a person's mental state and don't even try to assess the impact on parenting and the children.  Third, the other spouse may not comply.  That's what happened to me.

During my separation in 2005-2006 we both were ordered to submit to psych evals and provide our results to the court and lawyers.  I complied.  (The quickie eval concluded I had "anxiety".)  Then silence.  Where was then-stbEx's eval?  To this day I still haven't seen it nor do I know whether she even got a psych eval at all...

My conclusion:  Any order, deal or process where both of you have to do something and provide it to the court and lawyers, you cannot risk complying first.  There is real risk the other side will simply not comply and not even be held accountable.  So I advocate this in such situations:  Tell your lawyer you have complied, maybe even provide the results to your lawyer but then instruct your lawyer to hold it (sort of as is done in escrow) until the other party is ready to exchange the results.

What I did was ask for an in-depth Custody Evaluation and fortunately we chose a respected child psychologist as the custody evaluator.  That was important, too many possible evaluators could be rookie lawyers.  Often real experts don't want to bother with complicated cases that could take many months to complete.  Be forewarned that a CE is expensive.  Mine was to be about $3K (others report costs up to and exceeding $20K) but of course my ex claimed she was more comfortable in another language and so there were time delays and additional costs due to her obstructions.

This too is why you get much better results with a good (or "less bad") temp order from the very start.  Do your best to include the favorable terms and exclude the unfavorable.  Reality check: This is not a time to try to show how "fair" or "nice" you are, court won't care, so do what is right for you and especially the kids.  My "temp" orders - I had two, one for the separation and one for the divorce - were never modified and covered a span of more than 2 years.

[ForeverDad]

One day I came home from work to find the my BPD wife had taken our kids back to the Mainland with the intention of cutting me off entirely. I would later learn that this was planned.

We ended up with divorce cases in two states (which isn't really legal) and fought over jurisdiction... Despite all this, I consider mine a success story. I spent 1/4 of what her family spent, and I never left a courtroom disappointed. This is because I was unbelievably lucky in the advice I was given at the beginning of our separation.

What many who are stunned with a sudden separation and jurisdiction issues complicating it all don't realize is that the USA has some coordinating rules for custody cases.  One is that the spouse moving away cannot file for custody issues in the new area until after six months residing in the new state or area.  That gives us, typically the ones abandoned and blocked, the "home field" advantage - if we are on top of events and don't delay.

https://www.ojp.gov/pdffiles1/ojjdp/189181.pdf

First, I filed for divorce as quickly as possible. It took me 10 days from the time she left. I didn't actually want a divorce, but it was necessary because I NEEDED a custody order. Without one, she could keep me away from our kids and establish a status quo that no family court judge would upend. YOU CANNOT ALLOW A BPD TO ESTABLISH A CHILD CUSTODY STATUS QUO. It was the pastor of my church that gave me this advice. Its ironic, but divorce was the only tool I had to keep my family together...

The worst mistake you can make is to allow a BPD partner to alienate you from your children for ANY length of time. Don't offer to move out. Don't let her take the kids. It's tempting to think a little time will allow things to cool off - it might even be true - but if things wind up in court, you will have lost already.

I too didn't want a divorce but I was left with no other option.  Despite my then-spouse being arrested for Threat of DV by one court, family court granted her temporary custody and temporary majority time.  I was told that court views a spouse and a parent as though two different persons in two different situations.  As though a spouse's adult behavior did not impact a spouse's parenting behavior?  So I did no wrong but was still at a disadvantage.  That continued across two "temp" orders that spanned two years.

[hankmorgan]

Yeah. I'm very familiar with the 6-month rule. That, and what constitutes a "temporary absence" from a place was the basis for my BPD Ex's appeal of the jurisdictional ruling. I opted to write my own briefs to save the money of a appellate court attorney. Bizarre stuff.

Its weird, but the extremeness of my BPD Ex's behavior was a huge blessing in disguise. For example, I don't think I would have sought a custody order if she hadn't severed all communication. If she had been willing to take my calls and allow me to talk with the kids, I think I would have waited to file divorce and (knowing now how that process goes) I would have ended up with the kids every other weekend.

Also, the fact that she left our home state forced me to seek a temporary order for full custody. This was wonderful, because it removed all risk that I would end up with very little time. We ended up with 50/50 which is what I wanted, because she's not a terrible mom and its HARD to raise kids alone.

I also think its important to always see the forest through the trees. I demonstrated to the CE that I would support our children's relationship with their mom while she made it clear she would not reciprocate. BPD conflict has a way of pulling you in. The danger is that by engaging on the terms set by a BPD parter, you don't look very different. It's good to take a step back, and think about big-picture goals. It's good to talk about big picture goals, instead of arguing over whatever random battle-lines your partner draws.

On my budget, I couldn't make my Ex's BPD an issue in court, and since she wasn't an acute danger to our kids, I'm not sure what it would have accomplished if I could have - It might have backfired and earned her more alimony.

Just to complete the picture: It's been 5 years since our separation. My BPD Ex STILL won't speak to me (with the exception of public pleasantries), but we have amazing kids. The CE pointed out years ago that as they grow more independent (right now they're 6 & 9) there will be conflict. This is already happening.

[AskingWhy]

The Bill Eddy book "Splitting" is an essential guide to navigating a divorce from a pwBPD.  BPDs can be very charming chameleons to doctors and judges, making you look like the crazy one.  They are very good at it.  This is why during a domestic violence meltdown they can instantly look sane when the police or family members arrive.  They also have their "flying monkeys" (friends and family members) to ensure you are the made to be the crazy one.

Know your rights and consult with a good family law attorney.  In the end, be prepared to advocate for yourself. To an attorney, you're just a client.  They have no investment in who you are and your individual case and nightmare.

[livednlearned]

This

we're expecting the child custody battle to be especially contentious.

 

and this

We feel certain that she is already turning their daughter against him.

are two separate battles that require two separate strategies.

For the first, order a copy of Splitting by Bill Eddy like ForeverDad recommended. Read it twice.

For the second, read Bill Eddy's Don't Alienate the Kids: Raising Emotionally Resilient Children When One Parent has BPD.

If the alienation is on the more severe side, read Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak.

These books are essential to minimizing the conflict.

Hire an assertive lawyer, not an aggressive one. Sometimes I think the aggressive ones have PDs themselves.

Document everything possible. Find out if you're in a two-party consent state. If not, then record things and keep them somewhere safe. Documenting is even more influential if it involves third-party professionals like counselors, school teachers, coaches, pediatricians. I kept a separate Google calendar detailing everything that happened then printed it out in agenda view so I could share patterns and fact check things.

We ended up doing a deposition which turned out to be a powerful way to document reality. In that session, my lawyer brought two binders filled with emails I had printed out and categorized, then labeled. She only used a select number but the size of the binders and the sound they made hitting the table was a surprisingly important and persuasive prop. Some of this is theater. You are telling a story and need people and documentation to persuade people along the way that there are two realities here. Be the narrator with the most consistent, simple, believable narrative.

Don't be afraid to go to court. Try mediation because obviously it's cheaper and less stressful, but this will be a high-conflict case and most of those end up in court. If you can't work things out in mediation, set aside the things that are problematic. My mediated custody order agreed to settle 98 percent of everything except for legal custody. Our order said, "All matters are decided except for joint legal which can be heard before a judge at a later date." Then we waited, collected documentation and went back to court when it was all but unavoidable.

Don't worry if the first ruling is 50/50. That's actually a bit of a win in many cases, especially for dads. Don't expect your lawyer to provide counseling. Save money by having a less senior lawyer write stuff up. Always check what's in there and offer suggestions.

Most importantly, learn to close loopholes. Courts and lawyers don't care about loopholes but you do because that's how you end up back in court asking for permission that was already granted. pwBPD can't or won't or refuse to follow instructions so give deadlines to anything asked for, and write in the consequences for non-compliance. For example, "Mom and dad must complete parenting classes by day/date. Failure to comply by this time may result in a change in visitation schedules." Or, "Dad will select three child psychologists by day/date. Mom can pick from this list. Failure to select by day/date grants permission to Dad to choose a psychologist and make appointments."

Always close the loophole.

It may not seem like it if she's raging and conniving, but your pwBPD is in a freefall of terror and fear and chaos. The best thing for the kids is to help minimize that.

I spoke to the family specialist at my son's school and he was given a hall pass for anything he needed, even if he just felt off. He could go into her room and sit there and fume if he wanted. I asked third-party professionals for help and always focused on my kid. Everything was about what I could do to make sure he was ok. All of them were willing to testify if it came to that, although we only ended up needing one. Most people who work with kids can tell who is the problem and want what's best for the kids. pwBPD tend to reverse the natural order of parenting and expect kids to take care of their needs versus the opposite. People notice.

What made the difference in my case is that I came to court as a problem solver. I saw the judge as my peer, not my parent enlisted to settle a beef between two toddlers. Many high-conflict cases come across as two losers arguing while destroying the kids. If your son comes in as an adult with solutions and ideas for how to solve problems, then consistently puts the kids first, it starts to show.

This is a marathon, not a sprint, but there is a finish line.

I ended up with full custody and my ex was an attorney. He didn't help himself by recording his own psychotic episode but even if he didn't there was plenty there to demonstrate his instability.

If your son is overwhelmed and feeling hopeless, give him hope and help him with this. Having a support system is essential. Pay for his therapy -- he will absolutely need it -- and keep posting here. Books helped me and I had a good lawyer but this site and the collective wisdom here was priceless.

There's a saying "Do you need a hug, a hand, or to be heard." Your son probably needs all three. Keep asking what he needs. These custody battles are a bit like dealing with a health condition. No one wants it but with the right information, care, and follow-through there are good outcomes, even if it takes going through hell to get there.

 

[livednlearned]

Another thought.

If it's almost entirely he-said, she-said and it's difficult to show what's really happening, don't be afraid to ask the court for a custody evaluation.

Some pwBPD are able to hold things together publicly, making it much harder to demonstrate what is or isn't happening.

A custody evaluation, if it's relevant, is worth starting a new thread about. You can find a lot here about the ins and outs and how to do them well, but if there specific questions or constraints to your son's case, it's probably worth starting a thread to learn as much as you can about them.

Third-party professionals helps us shine light on what's happening to the kids. Untreated BPD tends to involve pathogenic parenting (including alienation) and educated professionals can become our biggest ally. Sometimes they can become our worst nightmare. Being smart and informed can make them a valuable asset in helping to stabilize our families and harness the legal system in a way that actually protects the kids.

[OnPinsAndNeedles]

Thank you to everyone who took the time to respond to my questions and concerns.  Lots of great advice in this thread.  I'm sorry you all have also gone through this, or are currently going through this.  It is always amazing to me how similar the stories are; there is definitely a pattern that all BPD spouses seem to follow.  I just finished reading Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger's book, "Splitting" that several of you suggested.  The information contained in this book is indispensable to anyone going through divorce with a BPD partner.  I have made a list of the most important points and shared it with my son, as well as given him a copy of the book so he can read it himself.  My son had suggested mediation to his wife so that they could save money, and she agreed to it, but several days later he was blindsided when he discovered that she retained a lawyer behind his back and he was served with divorce papers listing his wife as the plaintiff and stating that she expected him to pay for her attorney fees.  She told him that she needed to protect herself, when in actuality she wanted to make certain that she receives more than 50 percent of everything he has, including primary custody of their child.  Their child is old enough to decide for themselves where they want to live, but the wife is already working on the child's trust of our son. I know we have a long road ahead of us.  I am especially concerned that she will try to leave the state with our grandchild (the child they share).  We have kept a journal of the wife's bad behavior throughout their marriage, and have several people who will verify that these events actually happened.  They did attend marriage counseling for a short period of time, and our son had to make all of the concessions to appease his wife.  She made no concessions herself, so we feel certain that she was able to con the therapist into believing that she is the victim.  The therapy sessions ended when the wife stated that they were a waste of time, because it was obvious that our son "was never going to change."  She never could admit that she bore any responsibility for the issues in their marriage, even though we have several examples of her emotional abuse of their children (His from an earlier marriage, hers from an earlier marriage, and a child that they share,) and attempts to control or humiliate him in front of his family.  In Randi Kreger's book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" Kreger describes several different BPD personalities, and it is apparent to us that our son's wife is a Queen/Witch.  She expects people to comply with her wishes and can be quite nasty when she doesn't get her way.  I'm afraid that this divorce will be particularly contentious.  We have advised our son not to leave their house, a house that he owned before he married her, because we are concerned that the courts will consider this abandonment of the wife and child.  Does anyone have any insight on whether to stay in the house during the divorce proceedings?  I imagine the current environment is not pleasant. 

[livednlearned]

I'm afraid that this divorce will be particularly contentious.  We have advised our son not to leave their house, a house that he owned before he married her, because we are concerned that the courts will consider this abandonment of the wife and child.  Does anyone have any insight on whether to stay in the house during the divorce proceedings?  I imagine the current environment is not pleasant.  

A lot comes down to what your son is like, especially now. How is he doing? A lot of us inadvertently sabotage ourselves because of our own blind spots, not to mention years of abuse that can take a serious toll.

Each state has different ways of doing things so staying in the home will come down to specifics.

However, I was in a state where there were reasons to divorce on grounds of bed and board to avoid the presumption that I abandoned the marital home. But I was also counseled to leave if I felt unsafe and my lawyer would help smooth that path. I had plenty of evidence to explain that if it came down to it. Your son may not have that -- his lawyer will be able to answer in specifics.

You may also want to take a look at Christina Lawson's book Understanding the Borderline Mother. She describes not only types of BPD mothers but also generalizations of the men who marry them. She describes the "witch" type as someone likely to marry someone she can dominate and control, someone subservient who relinquishes his will. The "queen" type prefers men who have prominence, wealth, and power.

Your son may be very successful and do well in other areas of his life but feel compromised when it comes to the divorce. How well he takes your advice may have a lot to do with the nature of your relationship and where he is at in his own anguish and relationship patterns with her. Hoping that his wife will engage in mediation suggests he may not be able to fully appreciate what's happening.

What extent is he receptive to your advice and support?

[OnPinsAndNeedles]

livednlearned - My son is pretty receptive to information that I share, but I don't think he totally understands how vindictive his wife could be.  I've told him at this point he needs to maintain his calm.  She will try to get a rise out of him, so that she can use it in court to show that he is the abuser.  I've also told him from now on this is a business transaction.  She will try to play on his guilt, but he must consider the long-term repercussions of giving in to her demands. 

I am also surprised that he thought mediation would work.  Why would it?  She has never been reasonable in the past.  Since she went ahead and filed for divorce as the plaintiff, even though he is the one who wanted the divorce and thought they would do mediation, I'm worried that the judge might be more sympathetic towards her. 

I read "Understanding the Borderline Mother" a couple of years ago, because I've been concerned about the long-term affects on her children.  It's an excellent book.  I think I should probably read it again. 

Thanks!

[livednlearned]

Since she went ahead and filed for divorce as the plaintiff, even though he is the one who wanted the divorce and thought they would do mediation, I'm worried that the judge might be more sympathetic towards her. 

My understanding is that in family court, the plaintiff/defendant designation is different than what it means in other courts.

Plaintiff in our courts seems to mean that her lawyer will kind of set the pace. It's more of a technicality.

The initial claim and counterclaim is also, from what I understand, a bit of theater. It's a chance for both parties to blow off some steam. But when BPD is involved, sometimes the projecting is so primitive it almost provides a mirror image of what's happening in their mind. My ex husband was an alcoholic and I barely drank, yet somehow I needed rehab. That kind of thing. It's so opposite in a basic way as to be absurd, although when you're confronting it for the first time it can feel like they just set you on fire.

Does your son understand she likely has BPD?

[OnPinsAndNeedles]

Livednlearned - Early on in their marriage, I told my son that she has BPD.  I've had first hand experience with a family member diagnosed with BPD and know what it looks like.  I suggested that they seek counseling, and gave him the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells."  He recognized many of her behaviors in that book, as well as his codependency.  I also shared the story from "Understanding the Borderline Mother" about the "Witch and the Fisherman."  This story perfectly describes their relationship.  They met with 2 therapists.  The first one diagnosed her with a PD, but "didn't want to label it."  I don't understand why.  Isn't it helpful to know exactly what you are dealing with?  The daughter-in-law refused to go to any more sessions with that therapist and said it was a waste of her time.  The daughter-in-law found the second therapist, who was not trained to deal with or treat BPD.  She put on her charm, and convinced this therapist that my son was the problem.  My son had to make several concessions, but the daughter-in-law made none.  

I just checked, and my son also lives in a "Bed and Board" state, so I'm assuming it will be even more important for him to remain in the house with his wife and child during the divorce.   

[ForeverDad]

Have you and your son gotten copies of William Eddy's Splitting divorce handbook?  It is astoundingly helpful and insightful.  It is vital he avoid common traps and mistakes before, during and after a divorce.

This is for you and him, he shouldn't share it or any quotes from it with his soon to be Ex (stbEx).

Also, this is definitely not a time for him to be super-nice or super-fair or overly-fair.  Yes, those are excellent qualities but not helpful in a high conflict divorce.  Court doesn't care about that, all he needs to be aware is that (1) his Nice Guy personality can lead him to sabotage himself, (2) never threaten or allow her to cast him as threatening and (3) always be on his best behavior as though the judge was looking over his shoulder.

While it may take time, one goal should be for the court to perceive he's not the one creating the conflict but instead is the parent proposing practical solutions.

[livednlearned]

I just checked, and my son also lives in a "Bed and Board" state, so I'm assuming it will be even more important for him to remain in the house with his wife and child during the divorce.   

Has your son talked to attorneys? It can be emotionally flooding to speak to them at the start of the process. Do you have the kind of relationship where he would welcome your presence? So much information comes in at a time of high stress, and our brains may struggle to keep things straight. If he hasn't talked to a lawyer and you have a relationship where this makes sense, maybe let him know you're more than willing to come for support and take notes, and discuss after.

He may be in shock. Sometimes we don't realize it until after just how unmoored we can be at the start of a divorce.

[OnPinsAndNeedles]

Forever Dad- Yes, I have read the book "Splitting" and shared the high points with my son.  I also got a copy for him to read as soon as possible.  Lots of great advice.  I've cautioned him about sharing with her any of his plans, observations about her behavior, or making any promises to her about what she will get.  Let the divorce lawyer do all of the talking.  His job is to stay calm and try to create a stable environment for their child as far as that is possible in a home shared with a pwBPD. 

Livednlearned- We have hired an excellent attorney for him who is experienced with high conflict divorces.  He also knows that we are available if he would like us to speak with his attorney or give a written witness statement.