Co-parenting with ex uBPD boyfriend

[Florida19862023]

Any women co-parenting with an ex with uBPD? I am about to have a baby with my ex uBPD, we are seperated. Im worried he will try to turn our child against me or make things very difficult for me. Can you please share your experience? Also the child is a boy so I’m not sure if that makes a difference as maybe my ex will be less likely to be codependent on him since it was his mother who has BPD and the women in his life he tends to get toxic with

[hankmorgan]

Hey there! I can't speak as a woman. But I am someone who is coparenting with a uBPD and sharing 50/50 custody.

First, you have a lot going for you already. You're on here (among friends) and your baby isn't even born yet.

I'd recommend clarifying (for yourself) your fears. Are you afraid he will try? or that he'll succeed? It's very likely that he'll try, but much less likely that he'll succeed if you have significant time with your child.

For me, I have come to accept that my uBPD ex will try to manipulate my kids (a 6-year-old boy and a 9-year-old girl) and alienate me. She does try, but rather than fight her, I have found more gratification and success putting my energy into "immunizing" my kids against such attempts. They're still pretty young, so I guess I can't claim victory just yet.

Here's my thinking: IF I can teach my kids to trust their own intuitions, allow themselves to feel the full range of their emotions, and learn from their own experiences, THEN it will be very hard for anyone (including their uBPD parent) to manipulate them into believing anything contrary to their intuitions, emotions and experiences.

Unfortunately, the more I succeed in my mission as a parent, the more they experience conflict with their uBPD parent. This is already happening and, despite their young ages, they talk about it sometimes - though I try not to "fish".

One funnier example: Recently I picked our kids up from school, and they were out of [school] uniforms - the only kids out of uniform. When I asked them why, my daughter explained how Mom wanted to make me look bad and insisted that they tell everyone it was my fault. She shrugged her shoulders and said "mom already hates you, so whats the harm." My point is, my kids already see it as a running joke.

It's sad because they know what it feels like to have freedom of self-expression (because I make that a centerpiece of my time with them), and so they feel it acutely when that is taken from them when they're with their uBPD parent. I know that someday this WILL come to a head. My uBPD ex isn't a dangerous person, so I don't expect anything REALLY bad beyond the typical challenges of having a uBPD loved one. We'll see.

I do have one piece of advice for all parents of young children. You should intentionally make mistakes so that your child can correct you. For example, say it's his blue shirt, when it's his red shirt. This encourages them to think for themselves and speak up for the truth they experience. It also allows you to model making mistakes and being corrected - "Oh, you're right, my mistake." It also takes away the stigma around making mistakes and being corrected.

Anyway, I have two kids with a sabatour uBPD ex. She takes me to court over simple parenting issues. I know are better Ex's out there, but I wouldn't trade my experience for any other. Our kids are amazing, and I am so happy. So, from my perspective you have a lot to look forward to. I believe you can have a perfectly wonderful parenting experience, and you can raise a healthy well adjusted child despite doing it with a uBPD coparent. 

Finally, I have commandeered for my own purposes the AA's "serenity prayer" - religious or not, it's a very good meditation.

Lord, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

[Turkish]

I wouldn't overthink or analyze the future at this point, but focus upon a healthy you and giving birth though it's very understandable that you're thinking of the future.

What is the custody situation at this point? My ex left me when our youngest was 1.5, diaper stage, but past breastfeeding and formula, the most tender time. So that wasn't a big deal for me to take care of her and her brother who had just turned 4. I'm also not BPD.

I've seen a lot of stories here over a decade, but also in my experience, the kids tend to appreciate the more stable parent, especially in the formative younger years. Have you and he agreed to a parenting plan? How is your pregnancy going and what led you to break up?

Hopefully, some women will chime in. This board at the least has a solid cohort of great step moms.

[Florida19862023]

Thank you both for your replies and the support. We were together about a year (living together too) he’s 35, I’m 37. In due in 3 months. The pregnancy was unplanned & he tried everything in his power to get me to abort, persuade, threaten me, then he kicked me out of the apartment, broke our lease & move about 25 miles away. He was emotionally & verbally abusive & made a few intimidating statements “stfu before I throw you off the balcony” “if you were a man I’d beat the PLEASE READ out of u” I don’t know what he’s capable of but I’m scared of his temper. 2 months ago he tried to get me back telling I’m the love of his life & I just pushed him too hard & excusing his behavior by saying he was just very stressed & when I stood firm & said I don’t want any relationship other than comparenting, he started to belittle & insult me again. Last he said was he does not know what level of involvement he wants with our child & wants me to get a DNA test before he can decide (there was never any suspicion of me cheating,  nor did I). He also said I have ruined his life & he’s having a baby with a stranger. He is trying to act like I must be a sociopath to not want to be with the father of my child as opposed to a normal person who doesn’t want to be in an abusive relationship. He sees himself as the victim & me as terrible so I am scared he will try & possibly succeed in turning our child against me at some point because he had ne convinced for a year that he was the victim. Any advice or experiences are very appreciated thank you!

[ForeverDad]

At this point it's anyone guess how much he will eventually parent.  Many men with BPD have a lower level of parenting involvement, sort of a "comfort zone".  He may try to put on an act for others, a public face, and try to get equal time and custody but don't be surprised if over time his involvement is less and less.  Time will tell.  (BPD mothers are often the opposite, more likely to view their children as extensions of themselves, though there are some who are more interested in their next adult relationship.)

If he does pursue parenting, then do try to limit how much.  Court may be inclined toward 50/50 these days - unless you provide documentation otherwise such as his abusive or threatening texts, emails, etc that you save - but if he's agreeable to less, such as alternate weekends, don't try to be overly fair and push him to take more since more for you would make your life simpler.

If you do face 50/50, you can avoid much angst and expense later if you strive to get yourself assigned as Decision Making or Tie Breaker status (or whatever your county may call it) as regards custody issues.  That way if he refuses to agree to your decisions, then you can proceed and avoid months with court hearings or before a mediator.  And it would be him (rather than you) who would have to get professional involvement and he may let the matter go.

When I was facing 50/50 as the divorce was finalized, I was already having great difficulty with exchanges, she was always making a scene or disparaging me.  So I thought it would be better to have fewer exchanges and wanted alternate weeks.  However our Custody Evaluator stated that with equal time for children under 10 years of age then more frequent exchanges were better.  It made sense, my son would not be apart from me for more than 2 to 5 (if bordering a weekend) days at a time.

That equal time schedule is called 2-2-3 or 2-2-5-5.  One parent gets Mon-Tue overnights, the other parent gets Wed-Thu overnights and they alternate Fri-Sat-Sun overnights.  As I wrote above, that may quickly tire his attention span, so if he relinquishes his parenting time, don't insist he must take it.

If he will allow you more time so nursing is a simpler matter, great.  If not, you may need to express your milk, freeze or refrigerate it, and pass it along at exchanges.

A lot of this is conjecture right now.  A lot depends on the extent of his involvement in parenting.

After writing the above, I read your last post.  Needless to say, definitely do not get back together.  You can't fix him.  Maybe if he had years of meaningful therapy and he diligently applied it in his life - but probably unlikely he would do that.  Let him remain an ex.  Keep your lives separated, well, except for needed parenting information and exchanges.  Don't be guilted.  We have a phrase here we avoid... BPD F.O.G. = Fear, Obligation, Guilt.

It may be wise to have a few consultations with family law attorneys in case needed in the future.  One matter to be sure to discuss is how to know when you need to get a protection or restraining order and what the process is if contact gets worse with harassment or physical.  Maybe it's already at that level?

Also, you may feel he has a right as father to be at the birth.  That is fully your decision, yea or nay.  You want a happy birth and his presence may be stressful and even hurtful.

[Turkish]

Thank you both for your replies and the support. We were together about a year (living together too) he’s 35, I’m 37. In due in 3 months. The pregnancy was unplanned & he tried everything in his power to get me to abort, persuade, threaten me, then he kicked me out of the apartment, broke our lease & move about 25 miles away. He was emotionally & verbally abusive & made a few intimidating statements “stfu before I throw you off the balcony” “if you were a man I’d beat the PLEASE READ out of u” I don’t know what he’s capable of but I’m scared of his temper.

I wouldn't ignore this at all. He threatened you severely. This is domestic abuse even if he didn't touch you (did he at all, even in the past?). I'm glad that you left. No one should have to deal with such threats, nevermind a pregnant woman as he threatened your baby as well. Do you feel safe now? Do you have real life support?

It's good to have a safety plan in place.

https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety-first-dv-1.pdf

Can you take a look, and have you reached out to local resources? There is a lot of help, and hotline calls are anonymous. You shouldn't have to bear this alone.

[Florida19862023]

When I wouldn’t agree with him during arguments he got very angry & I started trying to set boundaries & pause the conversation & tell him I would come back when he calmed down but this made him furious & multiple times he followed me into the bedroom still yelling, 1 time he pushed me back from the door as I was trying to close it on him & lock him out. I I am now living with my parents 25 miles away from him & no contact  so I currently feel safe but I’m scared once our baby is born that if I have to see him or speak with him he will lose his temper if he does not get his way. I just confided in my mother tonight that I am scared he could hurt me or kill me one day or even worse hurt my son. He could not tolerate my 8 lb dog barking at night sometimes, I don’t see how he will tolerate a baby crying or toddler throwing tantrums. I’m scared that he will hit him & if I have his custody taken away he will lose it & blame me & could try to kill me. I’m praying that never happens. What scares me is the severe projection of his relationship with his BPD mother onto me. It seems he thinks I am her. He blames me for everything & under stress is not in touch with reality.

[SinisterComplex]

When I wouldn’t agree with him during arguments he got very angry & I started trying to set boundaries & pause the conversation & tell him I would come back when he calmed down but this made him furious & multiple times he followed me into the bedroom still yelling, 1 time he pushed me back from the door as I was trying to close it on him & lock him out. I I am now living with my parents 25 miles away from him & no contact  so I currently feel safe but I’m scared once our baby is born that if I have to see him or speak with him he will lose his temper if he does not get his way. I just confided in my mother tonight that I am scared he could hurt me or kill me one day or even worse hurt my son. He could not tolerate my 8 lb dog barking at night sometimes, I don’t see how he will tolerate a baby crying or toddler throwing tantrums. I’m scared that he will hit him & if I have his custody taken away he will lose it & blame me & could try to kill me. I’m praying that never happens. What scares me is the severe projection of his relationship with his BPD mother onto me. It seems he thinks I am her. He blames me for everything & under stress is not in touch with reality.

So real talk...you have a lot of power on your side. But first, I do want to say welcome to the fam.   Happy you found us but of course sorry for the circumstances that led to you seeking us out.

Given your circumstances...we have your back here.  

Now, what I mean by power...you are pregnant. You hold a lot of power as to how this goes. Particularly because you are afraid of the violence, etc. You can seek protection that if he wants visitation rights, etc that they have to be supervised. This is where it will require you to unfortunately be a bit more cold-hearted in the sense you have a baby to think about and protecting yourself and your child is what trumps all and comes first.

I understand your fears and by the way you are explaining things unfortunately they are warranted. So having said that strive to not let fear rule you. Do not let the fear of what if paralyze you. You do not know what is going to happen. Instead of focusing on the negative focus on YOU and your child and control what you can control.

Please do what is in your best interests to protect yourself and your baby and forget about worrying about what he will do. You have to remove that variable from your mind so you can move forward.

Continue to post here and share as much as you want to and ask as many questions as you need to.

Cheer and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[livednlearned]

I couldn't agree more with others that you made the right decision to protect yourself. And you have a lot going for you in spite of the circumstances.

Probably the most important thing you can do is learn to manage the inevitable anxiety and fear that comes up. How would you like your son as a young man to manage those feelings? Do the things you hope he will fall back on and he'll learn from you.

There is a wonderful book by Bill Eddy called Don't Alienate the Kids: Raising Emotionally Resilient Kids When A Parent Has BPD/NPD. It made me realize that I could model for my son the qualities I wanted him to develop: flexible thinking, managed emotions, moderate behaviors. During my marriage and then divorce my anxiety was through the roof and it made me so tightly wound that my son was sort of in a permanent state of anxiety himself. We were safe, living separately from his dad, but I was carrying a thousand pounds of stress in my body. I learned what I now call "extreme validation," very similar to what hangmorgan describes in his post.

People with BPD are starved for validation and didn't learn how to self-validate. Many of us who end up in BPD relationships are also injured when it comes to emotional validation. You can do wonders for your child by learning to emotionally validate him so that he knows what he's feeling, that it's ok, and a significant source of information, and you can start by learning how it works and trying it with others so you're a bona fide pro by the time your child is born 

When your kid is at an age where he starts to say things like, "Dad says you have two horns and a tail and set people on fire with your breath" just ask him how that made him feel. "Wow, I'm not sure what I would say if someone told me that. How did you feel when he said that?" If you say, "How dare he! I'm not like that, here's why" then you miss the opportunity to recognize what your son is feeling, and most kids will feel safest with the parent who can help them navigate their feelings and learn to self-regulate.

A couple of books that may help you understand what it means to raise a child with a healthy sense of self: Search For The Real Self by James Masterson. Great for understanding what may have happened to your ex and how you can ensure the same thing doesn't happen to your son.

The Power of Validation: Arming Your Child Against Bullying, Peer Pressure, Addiction, Self-Harm, and Out-of-Control Emotions by Hall and Cook is also really good. So is I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better: Six Practical Principles That Empower Others to Solve Their Own Problems While Enriching Your Relationships

Read them now since you won't have time when your baby is born 

As odd as it sounds, it's probably helpful that your ex doesn't want his son. This isn't a man who will be a steady, loving influence in your son's life. My son is at a place of peace knowing that his BPD father can't function as a parent and it's honestly easier than what I see in my stepkids, who still hold out hope that their BPD mother will change and be a good mom for them. They seem more perpetually hurt, like they can't quite get through the grieving process and are continuously getting hurt.

Something else that was odd with my ex is that if I wanted or needed him to care for our son, he would say no, even though he was fighting in court to have more custodial time. It was more important to oppose me than anything else. As far as I could tell, the only reason he fought for any custody at all is because I wanted my son to be safe. If I had asked for him to have full custody I'm almost certain he would abandon our child altogether.

If your ex is sending horrible emails and text messages, try to come up with a system where someone else helps you manage them. I had a friend look at my emails and let me know whether I needed to respond or not. Nine times out of 10 it was sheer rage and nothing else. Every now and then there was a reasonable request, "Can you take our son on day/date/time since I will be out of town." Those were the only emails I responded to, and setting it up this way allowed my nervous system to stand down.

It's going to be ok. You found these boards so early in your journey. The collective wisdom here is boundless 

[Florida19862023]

Thank you! I will read those books.

[ForeverDad]

Some of the suggestions here have been ones for long term overviews.  I will mention the issues immediately before you.

I don't believe any hospital will force you to allow him to come to the birth.  Typically, you the mother decides who visits you.  Birthing is difficult enough already, those around you need to be positive and supportive.  You do not have to feel obligated to grant him access.  Like us here, you probably have a general sense that you have to be a nice person and feel impelled to make sure you're seen as an overly nice person.  Forget that inner impulse.  Do what is right for you and your baby.  That is a tough concept to accept, but with a dysfunctional person that is necessary.  Be polite but also firm sticking to what you need for yourself and your child's welfare.

That said, fathers as well as mothers have certain rights as parents.  The problem is those rights are unspecified and vague when dealing with the legal issues.  I encountered that inner conflict when my then-separated spouse blocked all contact with my preschooler.  Police told me they would do nothing to help me until I had a court order in hand.  (On the other hand, if I went to her door then they admitted they would rush over immediately to protect her predictable claims I was putting her in danger.  I didn't want to risk jail so I waited for the court date to be issued.)  It was 3 months before our first hearing in divorce case.

What will make a difference in court is the documentation of his past poor behaviors.  Hopefully you've saved them?  Anything that could be construed as threatening, abusive or aggressive would help a court to see what you see.  Saying "he-said, she-said" accounts gets less attention since it is often viewed as hearsay.

Does he want to pursue this in court?  One result of addressing everything in court is that you can get child support ordered.  I'm guessing he ("you will ruin my life!") will be resistant to providing child support?

Courts try to avoid blocking a parent's parenting time.  Do you have enough history to require supervised visitation?  Some agencies provide such services.

Whatever else, you cannot risk resuming a relationship with him, not unless he responds well to years of meaningful therapy.

[SinisterComplex]

Some of the suggestions here have been ones for long term overviews.  I will mention the issues immediately before you.

I don't believe any hospital will force you to allow him to come to the birth.  Typically, you the mother decides who visits you.  Birthing is difficult enough already, those around you need to be positive and supportive.  You do not have to feel obligated to grant him access.  Like us here, you probably have a general sense that you have to be a nice person and feel impelled to make sure you're seen as an overly nice person.  Forget that inner impulse.  Do what is right for you and your baby.  That is a tough concept to accept, but with a dysfunctional person that is necessary.  Be polite but also firm sticking to what you need for yourself and your child's welfare.

That said, fathers as well as mothers have certain rights as parents.  The problem is those rights are unspecified and vague when dealing with the legal issues.  I encountered that inner conflict when my then-separated spouse blocked all contact with my preschooler.  Police told me they would do nothing to help me until I had a court order in hand.  (On the other hand, if I went to her door then they admitted they would rush over immediately to protect her predictable claims I was putting her in danger.  I didn't want to risk jail so I waited for the court date to be issued.)  It was 3 months before our first hearing in divorce case.

What will make a difference in court is the documentation of his past poor behaviors.  Hopefully you've saved them?  Anything that could be construed as threatening, abusive or aggressive would help a court to see what you see.  Saying "he-said, she-said" accounts gets less attention since it is often viewed as hearsay.

Does he want to pursue this in court?  One result of addressing everything in court is that you can get child support ordered.  I'm guessing he ("you will ruin my life!") will be resistant to providing child support?

Courts try to avoid blocking a parent's parenting time.  Do you have enough history to require supervised visitation?  Some agencies provide such services.

Whatever else, you cannot risk resuming a relationship with him, not unless he responds well to years of meaningful therapy.

FD essentially said a lot of what I was going to more or less here. As FD states you cannot be forced to allow him to come to the birth. That actually is your choice and your choice alone. You have power and say so over that. Despite what some outside forces may say do not allow yourself to be crippled by fear or pushed in one direction or another. You are the mother of this child, you are the one who has to go through the labor. So with that said you have a lot of say so over things.

Additionally, FD is adding on to what I was hinting at with my initial response is that it is not your responsibility to be overly nice to anyone other than to yourself. You are only responsible for you and your child and how you handle things.

Now the other part to my point of your power. Being that you are a pregnant mother you wield a bit more power if you so choose (in essence if you choose to weaponize your situation against him). For example, if you fear your life is in danger or that you will be physically threatened you document, document, document. In essence, the hard part here is that you cannot play nice. You do what you have to do. These are things that will make you feel uncomfortable because you will have to go out of character, but it is necessary given the circumstances.

Also, a last piece here to keep in mind is to use your cell phone as a recording device, etc. It is a lot of work yes, but there is no such thing as too much work or overdoing it when it comes to protecting yourself and a child. Especially when you are dealing with someone whom is disordered.

The reason why you may have to deploy these tactics is that you will have evidence working on your side to force authorities to have to keep eyes on your situation. Remember when dealing with authorities your word doesn't necessarily mean squat unless you have something to back it up. The system is $$ backwards so you have to overcompensate to get it to work for you.

You are at the point now where in your mind you have to essentially go scorched earth in the sense he gets no chances with you. He is the father and that is all and he will have to abide by the rules if he wants to see his child.

Please continue to post and use this resource as a way to relieve stress and keep your mind right. There will be discussions about custody and so forth moving forward, but I am in unison with FD that our main focus right now is to keep the present in mind. There is only so much you can do until the baby is born. Let's get through that stressful ordeal first.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[Florida19862023]

Thank you! When you say document, do you mean call the police and make a report, or just keep a journal and write down details? What can I do now to help my case? We have had no contact for 1 month. Unfortunately I never called the police on him. Are text messages admissible in court? I do have proof of him saying he kicked me out while pregnant and trying to coerce me into getting an abortion, belittling me & acting a bit disordered but no physical threats on texts. I believe he does not want to look bad like a dead beat so he said he would provide financially for our baby but I would not take him to court for it because I am doing okay financially and would rather my baby be mentally and physically safe and do without the extra money. His sister reached out to me saying the family is going to help support him to be an “excellent father” they seem to be in a lot of denial, & live 400 miles away. I truly wish he would be a good influence on his son but I don’t believe he is mentally capable & will only teach him how to manipulate & intimidate.

[ForeverDad]

Call the  police if it is severe enough, that is, actionable.

Your lawyer should be able to advise you what and how to document.  I'm fairly sure texts are admissible but there may be various rules of storage, etc.  I have dozens of recordings from disparaging exchanges, etc.  I have 7 or 8 years of annual journals with 7 days spread across every two days.  Just in case.

After years of ceaseless conflict, at our final hearing my lawyer prepped me for presenting several of my more conflictual recordings.  (Later the magistrate termed them disparaging.)  My lawyer assured me they would remain private, ex's lawyer couldn't snoop through them.  On the stand I had to validate the recordings by stating the date and location of each recording played and I referred to my journals to confirm them.

If you do end up going to family court then be sure to get the best (or "least bad") order from the very start.  Likely the first hearing will be very brief so tell enough of your story... staying mostly silent for the court to issue a typical order on custody and parenting time, letting court assume no big issues, is a lousy strategy, you'd start off with problems and have a struggle to eventually get something decent.

If he insists on visits with the child, then of course he should definitely be paying child support.  Court is there to determine both appropriate child support as well as visitation details.

But beware of creating a legal problem... Court views child support and visitation as separate matters.  If child support is ordered and he fails to pay, you can't stop visitation until the court steps in and rules on how it will handle the matter.

[ForeverDad]

Most states, but not all, use phrases such as "custody", as separate from "parenting schedule".  For example, Florida uses variations of the phrase "time-sharing".  Lawyers are your resource for local legal terminology and usage.

[livednlearned]

Texts can be used in court. Hopefully it won't get to that point.

Documenting in a journal is helpful. Even more so is telling a trusted friend or family member or emailing them when things happen. Court loves third parties, especially professionals, so checking in with a DV shelter can provide some insurance, or counselor if you have one.

I had a lot of emails and texts read aloud in court (my case was a bit different, though, since my ex was a "vexatious litigant" who liked going to court. He was a former trial attorney). Going forward, think about the texts you send as big billboards that others can probably read at some point  

So instead of texting, "Don't you dare come to the hospital you maniac," say something like, "Please try to speak to me with respect. The way you're addressing me and what you're saying about this child make me fearful for our safety."

What court really loves is when one party is a problem solver. If you ever do end up in court, the thing that really stands out is when you come with a proposed solution. "I want my son to have two parents in his life who love him. However, I'm troubled by the threats and abuse. I propose that son's father take anger management classes/get a psychiatric evaluation/take parenting classes/have supervised visitation (as examples) so that we can establish a pattern of success.

Your ex won't likely participate. The point is to show the court you are aware of the safety issues and, as a fellow adult to the court, expect the other parent to take steps to demonstrate he can become safe.

I know it can seem so awful to have to go to court, but for someone in your situation, as others here have said, you have things going in your favor.

Probably the toughest decision will be whether to call law enforcement or when/if to file a restraining order if he becomes dysregulated.

There's a good chapter in Gavin de Becker's book Gift of Fear about restraining orders that influenced my thinking. My ex had a psychotic break and I thought he was going to kill himself and our son. I opted to not file an RO because of that chapter. ROs are helpful if you are trying to demonstrate, though documentation, a pattern of behavior and you need a paper trail to tell that story to the judge. When we say in court, "This is a scary dude," the judge hears blah blah. When you have documentation or testimony from third-party professionals, the judge is more likely to listen, especially if one party is credibly and consistently putting the needs of the child first.

In my case, our lawyers got my ex to agree to take a visitation break for a few months. We filed an emergency ex parte motion (can't remember if that's what it's called) that got the judge to agree to it, and we added in a bit about how ex had to see a therapist and adjust medications with his psychiatrist. After two months, visitation was adjusted to 4 hours Sat and 4 hours Sun, unsupervised. Ex was on his very best behavior and even gave up a few visits when he wasn't in a good place.

I mention this to show there can be quite a bit of back-and-forth where you and lawyers work things out. You can propose solutions and get detailed in how you think things should work. Ultimately, courts don't want repeat customers. Unfortunately, when you have a high-conflict co-parent, we get lumped together with the trouble-makers since judges tend to think both parents must be immature.

This is probably getting too far ahead, though. It might be best to think about how you want the birth of your baby to go, and what measures to take so that you can focus on you and your son. If you haven't consulted with an attorney yet, that might be a good thing just to check that box. Often, consultations cost $100 or so, sometimes the full hourly wage. I recommend meeting in person and having someone you trust come with you and write things down. I was in such a heightened state of emotion I barely remembered anything, so it was helpful to hear what someone else heard and read their notes.

How are things living with your parents? Are they able to understand the nature of your ex's emotional and psychological issues?

 

[SinisterComplex]

Thank you! When you say document, do you mean call the police and make a report, or just keep a journal and write down details? What can I do now to help my case? We have had no contact for 1 month. Unfortunately I never called the police on him. Are text messages admissible in court? I do have proof of him saying he kicked me out while pregnant and trying to coerce me into getting an abortion, belittling me & acting a bit disordered but no physical threats on texts. I believe he does not want to look bad like a dead beat so he said he would provide financially for our baby but I would not take him to court for it because I am doing okay financially and would rather my baby be mentally and physically safe and do without the extra money. His sister reached out to me saying the family is going to help support him to be an “excellent father” they seem to be in a lot of denial, & live 400 miles away. I truly wish he would be a good influence on his son but I don’t believe he is mentally capable & will only teach him how to manipulate & intimidate.

As you will read and see from FD and L&L...they provided spot on support. There isn't much I can add that the two of them didn't cover since it would just be regurgitating the same thing. With that said just to clear up what I meant by document is that yes keep a journal. Keep every text, voicemail, use your cell phone to record if you ever have a confrontation. Definitely file reports with the police.

The point here as L&L touched on was to make it appear that one side is being the level-headed one following a process (YOU) and trying to make a bad situation work while the other party is being unreasonable, unstable, and threatening (the father)

Most importantly do not be afraid to take action and do not under any circumstances think that things will just work itself out. They won't. You will have to dig in and play hard ball.

Also, I am going to focus on a different aspect here real quick...being pregnant you could be susceptible  to hormonal fluctuations which will affect your thinking and as a result have you softening up and giving him a chance. Do not allow yourself to be charmed or think he has had a come to jesus moment. The moment you do that he will use it against you to try to save his own $$. He showed his true colors and played his hand. Work on being firm and indifferent. Stand your ground and show you are not trying to be unreasonable, but you will do what is necessary to protect you and your child.

Please be kind to you and take care of yourself the best you can. Also, truly pay close attention to our veterans here in FD and L&L...you couldn't ask for better support.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[ForeverDad]

What court really loves is when one party is a problem solver. If you ever do end up in court, the thing that really stands out is when you come with a proposed solution...

When you have documentation or testimony from third-party professionals, the judge is more likely to listen, especially if one party is credibly and consistently putting the needs of the child first...

Ultimately, courts don't want repeat customers. Unfortunately, when you have a high-conflict co-parent, we get lumped together with the trouble-makers since judges tend to think both parents must be immature.

No one knows in advance precisely how this will get resolved.  Since court may have to get involved then it is wise to get all your ducks in a row, so to speak.

The purpose of a journal, log, diary or calendar is to help you document events and incidents.  Saying "he always..." or "she always..." will be largely ignored as hearsay.  Sure, you'll forget specifics over time, we all do, so a journal is to help you recall where you were, what and when the event was, a summary of what each said, etc.  Details and specific dates/times reinforce whatever statements you make to police or courts.

Needless to say, don't log any exasperated commentary about what you'd like to do to/with the ex.  Maybe they're appropriate choice words, but that's not what you write down.  As in the old TV show Car 54, "Just the facts, ma'am."  That will help the court or other professionals - eventually - determine you're the one proposing solutions, not the one causing problems.

[scraps66]

One thing at a time, healthy baby.  Planning and awareness is good, let's just not put the cart before the horse.   

[Florida19862023]

He just texted me being extremely nice , like extremely extremely nice & asking for ultrasound pics. It’s very strange.

[livednlearned]

It sounds like splitting.

When he has a positive feeling about you, then you're all good. Some people refer to it as being split white.

When he has a negative feeling about you, then you're all bad, or you're split black.

If he has a personality disorder, he'll have a hard time integrating a view of you in which you can be both at the same time. Good people can do bad things. Bad people can do good things. These are challenging concepts for someone who cannot see people as whole, integrated, complete selves with good and bad qualities.

Will you respond?

[Florida19862023]

I provided him with the US picture but that’s it. I want to keep my boundary from him. Also, I’m not sure if he’s splitting or he is just being really manipulative with flattery to try to get me to drop my boundaries and gain back control of me. Which would be more narcissistic correct? What if he puts this nice show on to the judge & my family members and they believe he has changed and try to encourage me to give in to him? My family doesn’t seem to understand that if you lower a boundary & give an inch they will keep taking and taking.

[ForeverDad]

or he is just being really manipulative with flattery to try to get me to drop my boundaries and gain back control of me.
    - versus -
What if he puts this nice show on to the judge & my family members and they believe he has changed and try to encourage me to give in to him?

It may be either or both.  Does it matter which?  Just be sure you ponder each request and forget trying to be 'nice'.  Court won't care how nice you are - or are not.  Yes, we here are people who have nice personalities - and at least partly that's how/why we got into our relationship dilemmas.

[livednlearned]

I’m not sure if he’s splitting or he is just being really manipulative with flattery to try to get me to drop my boundaries and gain back control of me. Which would be more narcissistic correct?

I understand. You want to make sense of the behavior and have words to describe what's happening. Whether he's splitting or manipulating or swinging from the rafters, it will be hard to tell if his behaviors are intentional or not given how deeply fused his perceptions are woven into his personality. For you, there is a choice to behave one way or the other because you're aware there are options. For him, it's probably not quite like that, at least without 3-5 years of intense therapy from a skilled therapist who specializes in personality disorders.

Often, these behaviors are extensions of the disorder. They are adaptations learned in childhood to get needs met that the child is unable to meet without others.

Either way, holding boundaries are the key to managing this relationship. You'll probably make mistakes giving away too much ground. Other times you'll overcorrect and be overly rigid with him.

People around you aren't you, so they won't understand that some of this is you learning to feel safe and only you can know where that boundary is.

What if he puts this nice show on to the judge & my family members and they believe he has changed and try to encourage me to give in to him? My family doesn’t seem to understand that if you lower a boundary & give an inch they will keep taking and taking.

He will definitely present his best self. It's a mask, though, and it will slip.

I was terrified of my ex, a former trial attorney. He knew people in the legal system and I was certain he would maneuver behind the scenes to get his way.

But the opposite happened. His narcissism led him to fire his attorney and represent himself. He ended up displaying signs of psychosis in court.

What is more likely to happen is that others (maybe not your family, at least right away) see him very clearly but can only help you when you're helping yourself. Family court moves excruciatingly slow and there are all kinds of things happening that we laypeople won't understand.

For example, my judge was SO damn nice to my ex and would all but fawn over n/BPDx in court. I learned much later that the judge is considered the "supreme witness" in court and if he or she shows signs of favoritism, that can be grounds for appeal. I believe my judge knew that n/BPDx would appeal every ruling, and went to lengths to show for the record that he was not favoring me, and was at times flat out condescending. I had to go to court 4 times to get my ex to sign the title of my car over to me. During the 4th attempt, the judge had the nerve to tell me how the DMV works and to double-check I had my forms filled out correctly. Wtf!

But then my attorney would point out that I "won" what we came there for (more like losing less, but whatever). Winning in court is sometimes gaining an inch of ground. Sometimes it's the judge trying to bring in other third-party professionals to try and shine some light on a he-said, she-said situation.

If you want third-party professionals involved, fine. Sometimes it can be helpful (do your research!) But if you want to give yourself an advantage, keep a journal, and document document document.

I used to type events into Google calendar and then when it came time to go to court, I printed it out in agenda view and had a timeline to help me piece together what happened when.

It wasn't used as evidence per se, but it sure helped calm my nerves and made me a credible witness. I printed out every email and text message and filed them in a binder with tabs for different issues, including one simply titled "rage." Others included threats/safety, name-calling, and even one titled "normal," which was pretty slim. I gave that to my attorney and she pulled out the ones she wanted to use as exhibits.

If you go to court, it will be about demonstrating a pattern of behavior. If you have documentation to show that, it will cancel out your ex's temporary benign behavior. It may take time for good things to become permanent but the overall trajectory will be toward you having greater say in how you raise your son.

[SinisterComplex]

I provided him with the US picture but that’s it. I want to keep my boundary from him. Also, I’m not sure if he’s splitting or he is just being really manipulative with flattery to try to get me to drop my boundaries and gain back control of me. Which would be more narcissistic correct? What if he puts this nice show on to the judge & my family members and they believe he has changed and try to encourage me to give in to him? My family doesn’t seem to understand that if you lower a boundary & give an inch they will keep taking and taking.

So I'll just chime in again here quickly to help with one very important thing here...try to keep the anxiety at bay here by not worrying about the what if? You can do the what if stuff all you want and usually most of the time the situations you create in your head are worse than what happens and the what is. So with that said just focus on what you can do, what you are going to do, and focus on how you respond to situations. You have no control over him, but he also has no control over you. So strive to put yourself in the best mental and emotional place you can to keep your stress levels lower so your pregnancy can go smoother.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[ForeverDad]

Hi, you're welcome to share updates with us.  If there are still issues with the exBF then many here will be happy to respond with support and helpful comments.