First Post -Trying to end it, but am being stonewalled

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am glad that I have found this forum. I am trying to leave my recently diagnosed BPD (with narcissistic traits) husband after 30 years.

I am beyond exhausted and at my wit's end.

I threw him out in February after finding out about affair after affair after affair. He has been in therapy since Christmas time and I called off the marriage counselling recently because he kept breaking agreements and refusing to be accountable or believe he deserved consequences.

He wants to save our marriage but continues to lie to me, guilt me, manipulate me and spew vitriol on me. I have said repeatedly I want a divorce, but he has just bought me an engagement ring (which he showed to our 19 year old daughter who he asked to deliver it to me. If I didn't want it, he wants her to have it (?) ).

He also continues to blame me and my anger for the breakdown of our marriage and his mental health. This has gone on for pretty much the entire 30 years.

I am so done. I just want to get the legal things dealt with and get on with my life. I have stepped back so far emotionally to protect myself that I do not want anything to do with him ever again.

My current problem is that he has initiated No Contact while he does the work with his therapist to process the trauma I caused him (I don't deny that I said something hurtful 25 years ago and that it had a devastating effect. I have also apologised for it constantly ever since).

He has given me no timeline for how long I am not allowed to communicate with him (while he seems to allowed to send me gifts and messages). I can’t talk to him about bills, kid schedules, nothing - so forget about beginning discussions about the divorce.

I have no idea what to do. I have been coddling him and being careful of his fragility since November, waiting to sit down with lawyers. I desperately want to just call him and set a date for it to start. Or maybe serve him. I just want to scream.

[Moongrrl]

I am glad that I have found this forum. I am trying to leave my recently diagnosed BPD (with narcissistic traits) husband after 30 years.

I am beyond exhausted and at my wit's end.

I threw him out in February after finding out about affair after affair after affair. He has been in therapy since Christmas time and I called off the marriage counselling recently because he kept breaking agreements and refusing to be accountable or believe he deserved consequences.

He wants to save our marriage but continues to lie to me, guilt me, manipulate me and spew vitriol on me. I have said repeatedly I want a divorce, but he has just bought me an engagement ring (which he showed to our 19 year old daughter who he asked to deliver it to me. If I didn't want it, he wants her to have it (?) ).

He also continues to blame me and my anger for the breakdown of our marriage and his mental health. This has gone on for pretty much the entire 30 years.

I am so done. I just want to get the legal things dealt with and get on with my life. I have stepped back so far emotionally to protect myself that I do not want anything to do with him ever again.

My current problem is that he has initiated No Contact while he does the work with his therapist to process the trauma I caused him (I don't deny that I said something hurtful 25 years ago and that it had a devastating effect. I have also apologised for it constantly ever since).

He has given me no timeline for how long I am not allowed to communicate with him (while he seems to allowed to send me gifts and messages). I can’t talk to him about bills, kid schedules, nothing - so forget about beginning discussions about the divorce.

I have no idea what to do. I have been coddling him and being careful of his fragility since November, waiting to sit down with lawyers. I desperately want to just call him and set a date for it to start. Or maybe serve him. I just want to scream.

[ForeverDad]

When a person wants to divorce, the divorce will happen regardless whether the spouse agrees.  Domestic court is set up to unwind a marriage if but one spouse wishes to end the relationship.  The spouse can delay and obstruct but it will happen.

And yes, our acting-out PD spouses almost always do delay and obstruct.  My lawyer estimated my divorce as 7-9 months, a bit longer than usual because of the custody aspect of us having a young child.  It was drawn out to nearly 2 years by my ex.  But the divorce became final.

If he refuses to cooperate, let your experienced and proactive lawyer deal with it.  He can only delay so much before the lawyers and judge get peeved.  I recall one time my lawyer got fed up with my ex asking for yet another continuance to a later date - she claimed illness on a hearing that only involved lawyers - he was preparing to file an objection when the magistrate, for once in his life, beat him to it and refused to allow a continuance.  By the way, some of us here shared the same story, we were told that our ex-spouses were the craziest challenges of our lawyers' careers.

One of the best handbooks for our sort of divorces is William Eddy's Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

[livednlearned]

Stonewalling is a very common feature in our divorces.

Very few people here have stories that involve an abundance of reason or cooperation.

During the marriage, there was an expectation that you would work together on things. Now that you're planning to divorce, that expectation no longer stands. This will likely be the first major decision you make on your own, with or without him (most likely without).

Have you consulted with attorneys? If not, that might be a good place to start. You could use this time of "no contact" to get your ducks in a row.

It's very helpful to be 4 or 5 steps ahead in these divorces. Use this time to gather information and learn how things work where you live, read how high-conflict divorces typically play out, consult with lawyers, have an individual therapist to help watch for your own self-sabotaging behaviors. Ask questions here. This is probably the best source of help I found during my own high-conflict divorce. People here helped kind of tie all the threads together in a way you won't find elsewhere.

If your husband is in any way savvy or high-functioning, you might want to find out who all of the high-powered aggressive lawyers are in your area and consult with them. That will knock them out of the running so he can't retain them and hire them to represent him against you.

You don't want to end up with an aggressive attorney because you run the risk of hiring one with a PD who will cost a lot of money and drum up a lot of unnecessary conflict. Sometimes people like us are initially drawn to these attorneys because something feels familiar.  

Also, let go what you said 25 years ago. It doesn't matter anymore. Adults repair and recover from emotional injuries and grow. People with BPD tend to ruminate on things and struggle to experience the world outside of victimhood. If it wasn't that comment, it would be another. He likely got a lot of mileage out of it because he saw that he could level the playing field with it. You made a mistake, apologized, and it's time to forgive yourself and imagine the life you want for yourself.

[ForeverDad]

Also, let go what you said 25 years ago. It doesn't matter anymore... If it wasn't that comment, it would be another... You made a mistake, apologized, and it's time to forgive yourself and imagine the life you want for yourself.

BPD F.O.G. = Fear, Obligation, Guilt

I recall when I was in court listing our recent conflicts, the magistrate stopped me once I starting listing incidents older than six months before I filed.  Court didn't care about old stuff, I later learned it was considered legally "stale" and usually ignored.

To illustrate, if you called emergency services and said, "My garage was on fire last year" (or "My spouse was raging and threatening to {whatever} last year") the response would probably be, "This isn't an emergency.  Call back when you have a recent or ongoing emergency."