Strange behaviour.

[Tweedledum]

I have just come off a vid call with my BPD daughter. It was ok at first then she said I never want to discuss things. The 'things' she refers to are unjust accusations against me by her and her brother.I have already addressed these. She also said that I want them to be honest. It seems that her and her brother being honest means that they feel they can accuse me of failings as a mother. I want them to be honest about what is going on in their lives e.g. my sons gambling problem, her strughling with a new baby etc. I have always given them emotional support but I cannot give support if I dont know what is going on. There always seems to be a hidden agenda.

As I said in another post, I am the only one taking my daughter's diagnosis seriously and my son has ignored me for weeks when I have tried to explain it to him.

 I told her I was upset by her brother's and her behaviour and I am worried about my partner who has to go to the hospital for a cancer checkup.

My daughter just kept talking over me and was laughing and grinning when I managed to talk. I wasnt looking forward to the call but havent seen my grandaughter in weeks and this is the only way I can see her.

I wondered if this behaviour (grinning and laughing) when someone  is explaining how upset they are is behaviour which is typical of BPDs. Any info or advice would be very welcome.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[gardenstater]

I have just come off a vid call with my BPD daughter. It was ok at first then she said I never want to discuss things. The 'things' she refers to are unjust accusations against me by her and her brother.

My BPD daughter and I have had no contact for 4 months, but she says that she has one condition before we can ever start to rebuild a relationship: I have to be willing to have an honest conversation about about a whole list of delusional complaints she has about her step-mother and I. It would be laughable if she weren't so serious. I did ask her to send me her list of topics. It is possible that there may be a legitimate complaint in the list, but everything she has voiced seems to have been sourced from some upside-down parallel universe. She has yet to send me anything but we'll see. I plan to continue to stand by my principle that I never validate the invalid. I like the J.A.D.E acronym that I saw elsewhere in this forum: When it comes to this type of thinking, do not Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain.

I wondered if this behaviour (grinning and laughing) when someone  is explaining how upset they are is behaviour which is typical of BPDs. Any info or advice would be very welcome.

I have also noticed that my daughter is dismissive of other people being upset. She frequently disregards expressions of distress or pain from others unless it affects her personally. Maybe laughing is your daughter's way to get away from an uncomfortable topic. From what I've read, this seems to be a common BPD symptom. From the BPD perspective, it doesn't matter that someone else is upset because whatever is causing their pain is nothing in comparison to the causes of my pain.

[Sancho]

Hi Tweedledum
Just a couple of questions - did you initiate the vid call or dd? The other question is whether dd is a cannabis user?

Relating to a child with bpd is difficult enough. When you add a grandchild into things, well . . .  the complications just become huge.

I really relate to your statements about everyone owning up to their own problem. I feel as though the past 20 years or so I have been surrounded by people who find doing this impossible, and the ones with bpd - well they blame me for everything!

The blaming seems to be directed at the person who has been the most supporting and caring. To me it seems that the bpd person has such a low sense of self, that accepting blame is just too painful. So they land it all on the one person they think will take it on and still be there.

Re the laughing etc. My dd is a cannabis user and I certainly notice the laughing etc after she has used. Some people smile and laugh quite inappropriately through a high level of nervousness. I am sure there are other explanations including the possibility that dd was in some way enjoying putting pressure on you.

But all these are just possibilities. I find it best to ignore what an educational expert once describes as 'secondary behaviour'. The sort of examples we were looking at then were say, if a child had used bad language, you would be dealing with that behaviour. If the child smirked or had bad body language, then ignore this secondary behaviour even though it can be rude or insulting.

Thinking about 'what if I was in your position', I would focus on being able to keep some kind of contact with your grandchild. From what you have said you have really tried hard to  support your children and you can't be owning up to things that are just not true (but I see these things as evidence of the Borderline mind ie for the bpd person these things become true and real).

I hope you can find a way of keeping the contact with your grandchild, and that hopefully your children will come through to being able to acknowledge the truth about things.

The world would be a much better place if everyone could just see themselves as they are and acknowledge their own struggles and problems.

Thoughts are with you.

[Tweedledum]

Thank you so much for your replies. It is so helpful knowing there are people out there who understand. My daughter doesnt use cannabis. Well, Ive not seen any evidence of it.

You've given some good advice. I am going to try not to engage with her when she brings up issues. There is no point getting into  all the drama with her. She is waiting to be referred for one-to-one therapy as the group therapy didnt help. Im hoping it will help although i suspect she isnt honest with any therapist. She told me that her mental health nurse agreed with her that I 'seem very negative'. I always try to be upbeat but when I disagree with her decisions (which I kknow will affect her mental health detrimentally) she sees that as me 'being negative'.

She  prefers to mix with the rest of the family who are not taking her diagnosis seriously and will not challenge her.

My grandaughter has been poorly for months and is in hospital at the moment having tests. My daughter caught Covid when she was pregnant due to her and her partner not taking care. We warned her to be careful but we could tell she thought we were being over cautious aand I could tell her and her partner thought we were fussing too much. I think my grandaughter's health is linked to their carelessness. One example of reckless behaviour.

I have realised it is impossible for me to have a 'normal' relationship with my daughter unless the therapy works. It is so difficult.

[Tweedledum]

Sancho, yes, I was the one who initiated the call as I hadnt seen my grandaughter for weeks. I have been initiating contact for weeks now but my daughter contacted me saying she was at the hospital with the baby and 'could we put the issues aside?'I thought that was rich as she is the one who has caused all this mess.

Anyway, now I am just concerned with my grandaughter and her health.

[Aralia]

I know exactly what you are talking about. The terrible parenting diatribe. Now I just acknowledge that I did some things wrong but every parent makes mistakes. If I get angry, even on the inside, she seems to sense it and it feeds the elevated mood and she doubles down.The only way we can have any kind of productive discussions is if she is calm and that only works if I am super calm too. Easier said than done.

[Sancho]

Aralia I think you hit the nail on the head when you say your dd senses what is going on with you!

My dd knows when I am anxious about her and is not able to handle it. She becomes more anxious herself and unable to handle it. Perhaps that ties in to why your dd likes to be around those who don't challenger her Tweedledum?

I have to make a conscious effort to put my mind on something else when I am around dd )which is a lot of the time because we are in the same house a lot of the time!

I think it's a really complex thing and glad you have pointed it out Aralia.