"Mother's Day"

[weezer]

             Hello, I have not posted since last Dec. I am one of those parent's of a adult daughter with BPD who thought
with enough time, love, understanding, stepping back, not engaging, overlooking, pretending it would get better with .
Let's pretend the elephant is not really in the room. Well here I am again and gee whiz it did not work and it  sure"ain't gettin better". No one can make an adult go  for mental health treatment.( maybe if she or he hurts themselves ) Since Dec I have been trying my hardest to make everything better for everyone in the family, I want families to stay together , not torn apart ,
I have cooked myself silly, I have baked ,made parties for her dogs, gave her a special party. bought presents for her and her dogs. Listened and sympathized about all of her problems. God forbid if we the parents need anything, she would not  bring me one bottle of pepto from the store ( diarrhea) told me to use insta cart she lives 2 miles from me. Yet I trudged soup etc if she had a sniffle. what did I get for christmas ,nothing. She showed me all the gifts she got for other people and asked me if I liked them. Here comes Mother Day,... Yep I felt something sinister in the air, yet I threw a blind eye to it. I am the optimist, or maybe just stupid.  She says I want to take you to lunch for Mother's day.  When she said it , it sounded a wee bit snarky. My husband said,,, don't do it. But noo not me . She pulls up in the driveway,, late.. text me to get in the car. Yells at me for taking too long to buckle the seat belt. Then tells me to stop fidgeting in the . I crossed my legs twice, and she accused me of fidgeting. At that point I almost said , but did not,,, ( love to go back to that moment) maybe this lunch thing is not a great idea. We got to the restaurant and she walked ten feet ahead of me.  She sat across , now I have mentioned this in the past, I am not allowed to look at her in her face when we talk. This has been a thing for over 20 yrs. so she wears sunglasses indoors for this reason .( not to others only me) I start small talk about getting myself reading glasses,, well that erupted into some stupid war about me wanting attention.  So it went from there to anything I said, if I said something was green it was brown, that sort of small talk. I am wishing I was not there with her, I ate quickly to get it over. When we got home she came inside and started in a loud voice about an old issue from the  past. Which I honestly thought we were done with,, it was over her old toys and dolls and a bear,,( which other members of the family call Bear Gate< it became a political war within the family and nearly made me have a break down. Honestly no one would believe this almost  became a police issue,, yes over a small toy bear. She left yelling and giving me the finger,, oh and always on the driveway for the neighbors to hear or see.  So dear friends who are allowing me to vent,, I am now thinking this was planned on her part , to wait until Mother's day , biding her time these many months, eating my noodles and such,, to give me the Ultimate finger...Your friend who maybe has gotten smarter... Weezer

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hi weezer, thanks for updating us -- sorry about what brought you back here.

You really went above and beyond over the last few months.

Do you feel like you can look at all of it and say, "I truly did my best, I left no stone unturned"? Would that give you any closure for whatever path forward you choose?

It's interesting that your H had a "spidey sense" that something was up with the Mothers Day invitation. Is he pretty supportive of you doing whatever you need to do to take care of and protect yourself?

This reads to me like a turning point of sorts, perhaps. What do you think?

[weezer]

                       Hello Again,   Yes you are correct, it has brought closure . I have truly tried .I thought I could dig into that big  ole "Mom" bag  and pull out whatever was needed . Remember the "Mom" bag we all carried forever , even after they had grown . Well the band-aids I pulled out did not cover the wound that she has deep within her frontal lobe. Maybe science can fix these brain pathways that are out of sync. I have sat and thought , just when was the last time that I have had a pleasant visit with her, enjoyed being  around her. So long ago , its a distant memory. So why am I forcing myself to be miserable, why do I need to do that? Those are questions I have to figure out about my self.  I look at pictures of when we all were the pretty , smiling, happy little family,, and fondly remember I did have that time , short as it was.

[kells76]

I thought I could dig into that big  ole "Mom" bag  and pull out whatever was needed . Remember the "Mom" bag we all carried forever , even after they had grown . Well the band-aids I pulled out did not cover the wound that she has deep within her frontal lobe.

 

Just hearing a lot of love in there.

I wonder if you and your H need a bit of a break from your D, and perhaps she needs a break from time with you, during this period where she's having a rough transition into adulthood.

pwBPD aren't known as skilled communicators (understatement    ), so sometimes I wonder if in some situations, for some pwBPD, the dysfunctional acting out and pushaway behaviors are low-skill ways of communicating that they need some space. Not all situations, not all pwBPD, but perhaps that is part of what your D is saying: "I need space" and instead of her having the tools, skills, and brain wiring to say it like "Hey Mom, I love you, but I need some room in my life to stand on my own two feet and try life on my own for a while, so I plan to be out of touch with you for about 6-12 months", it comes out as "I hate you, I hate your noodles, I hate Mothers Day, I hate everything you say" etc.

While that doesn't make her behavior OK, it could be a way of approaching things that could help you find closure for this chapter of life, too.

Maybe this next chapter of your life could be you and your H focusing on each other, holding warm memories of better times with D, giving her space, and at the same time, giving yourselves a break from the misery. Like you said, it's a question for you to ask yourself -- what are you hoping would happen from making yourself miserable?

You've really tried so hard with your current Mom Bag (I love that image!). I wonder if it could be a different "flavor" of trying hard, to have everyone take a bit of a break -- that could also be a new tool from your Mom Bag that you are trying, even though it looks different from the other tools.

Are there some things that your H and you would like to do together, that you've been putting off? Maybe having something positive to look forward to could help.