i am a target of blame - now what

[MLA1]

Hi - I need help
several months ago my 25yo son w BPD got upset because his childhood room got repainted and during this time some of his old things got rearranged.. this triggered him somehow, even though he knew it was going to happen and agreed.

since then he has blamed me first for this happening.

then he moved on to realizing that it has actually always been me that has been setting him up and causing all of his pain. I got a few 2000 word texts listing all the mistakes he says I have made. many things are completely made up and his siblings and I don't remember any of these things as happening.

I now realize that I have become his target of blame, which I guess is something some BPDs do. He refuses to see me or discuss anything and i believe he has decided to permanently remove himself from me.

When I first started on this forum I was first thinking he was angry with me as he can be with a lot of people.  I now have found these articles on being a "target of blame" and realize this is more than cutting me off. this is deciding specifically that I am the worst of all of his foes and everything is because of my 'sickness' and my 'favoring his siblings over him' and on and on. It is a horrible thing, but something that sometimes happens and it can be permanent. or sometimes it can resolve? I am terrified it is permanent.  I have apologized for not quite understanding what was scaring him when we painted his room, and validated his feelings of upset that his things were rearranged, but also shared I just didn't know he was still so attached to the stuff he had not taken to his own apartment. I have dropped him a card once a month during this time and even dropped off cookies at his door a few times (with the card I write which is just a breezy hello). I asked him last week if he would want to meet for lunch with me and my fiance, whom he adores, and he wrote back 'no' but to let my fiance know he misses him. stab to the heart. that is the only time in these 7 months I have suggested connecting.
I have not called him. I have no idea if there are better approaches.

Has anyone experienced being the target of blame and has anyone got any tips on how to deal with it. It has been 7 months since my son, who used to stop by for dinner once a week, and had a consistent if sometimes tricky, relationship with me until now, has been in contact. I am terrified I have lost him for good and I find it hard to not just burst into tears sometimes with this ambiguous grief (meaning my child is not dead, but I cannot see, touch, hear him).

I should add he is in counseling. But he has been with this counselor for years and I have seen no progress. I think my son is just an annuity for this counselor as I would have hoped by now he would have some tools to deal with his feelings. but no change that anyone can observe. So I know my son knows something is wrong and he does want help, but after years of therapy we are up to blaming the mother and cutting off the family because of things he lies about.

Any thoughts?

thank you

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Hi MLA1,

Sometimes I can't help wonder if a long splitting cycle is harder.

It sounds like he is in a lengthier BPD meltdown or splitting episode. However, he is in contact with your fiance? Are they able to make contact during this period?

You're wise to keep messages breezy and light, and to drop him a card. It sounds like he is still dysregulated and not able to get where he needs to be for a reunion. Yet.

Is your son in contact with his siblings? Has he split any of them before?

I'm so sorry you're going through this, MLA1.

[MLA1]

Thanks so much, Livednlearned

My son adores my fiance but is making no contact with him. So no, there's no active relationship going on there. My son has removed himself from me and his sister. And years ago - like a decade ago - he made his brother a target of blame for something he made up, and he won't relent on his brother. He used to say it was his goal to make sure his older brother never came home again. really chilling. And his brother tried to apologize for the thing he didn't do to make the peace, but my son refused to accept it. sigh. So now he has cut off me, his sister, and is keeping his brother as a target of blame. As an extra kick to me, he returned a quilt I made for him before he went off to college. He loved that quilt. Told his friends about how I made it for him and I spent thousands of hours making it. But now, he says he has no room for it and dumped it on my bed before completely cutting me off.

He has for over a decade tried to form a relationship with his father, who is a fairly absent parent (and that's part of why we divorced), and this has been a like / hate arrangement. At one point my son wanted to change his last name to mine because he hated his father so much. But now, now that I have become evil, he actually told me I am worse than his father and his father has become a good parent in his mind. totally bizarre, but I guess to him it is logical.

He has burned through every roommate he has ever had.

I really hope this is just an extended meltdown. when he isn't angry, he is such a kind and thoughtful young man and I miss him a lot. I had sole custody of him from the time he was 13 and because his siblings are older, it was just me and him for years before he went off to college. Then during college up until this past December he had dinner with me every Sunday night. Which was his idea. And now, nothing... Now his father who wasn't really present for years is the good guy.

Thanks for the guidance on breezy notes. I'll keep it like that. Any other advice?

really appreciate the support.

[livednlearned]

Any other advice?

It has to be hard to watch your son seek out his father, who was not there for him growing up, and to flip the narrative. Ouch. That would hurt me deeply.

Does your ex keep you informed? If so, and as hard as it is to accept the switch, you have someone keeping an eye on him (versus disappearing completely).

My only advice is to put this in the perspective of splitting. I like Elinor Greenberg's description of splitting as a psychological defense that allows contradictory views of the self (or other person) separate. These contradictory views are kept out of awareness. Meaning, when there are feelings of warmth and closeness, you are the good parent. When there are feelings of abandonment, you are the bad parent. And more importantly, you never were the good parent. A person with BPD will likely struggle to have good feelings about someone with some bad thrown in. Either it's all bad or all good.

I wondered if he overshot his confidence about how it would feel to see changes to his room and it created a dilemma about self-actualization (e.g. my mom wants me to grow up and move on).

One time I left cash on the kitchen for my stepdaughter (who was then 18 or 19) so she could order take-out or grab dinner with friends. We were home on our own while my husband was traveling. I wasn't able to cook that night and thought it was a nice gesture to make sure she had something to eat other than leftovers. In retrospect, I see now how BPD impacted her response.

Her dad was away (abandonment fears) and I presented an opportunity for self-activation, doing something that required her to take care of herself like an adult. Since I was the one triggering this self-activation, I was split black. She called her dad immediately to say how mean I was, how I didn't want to have anything to do with her, she hated me.

This isn't to say that you or I did anything wrong.

What has enabled me to have a relationship with my stepdaughter is letting these splits go and recognizing them for what they are: a feature of BPD. There are ways to be validating and JADE, and SET, and DEARMAN and other kinds of skills but at the end of the day, you cannot prevent a person with BPD from feeling abandoned because they are abandoning themselves. Literally, they are abandoning the development of their own self. We are often the walls on which these emotions are being projected.

It's pretty human to want closure on things that happen, to re-open the conversation and figure out what happened, who thought what, why this or that happened. For someone with BPD, this might not work. It assumes that there is a working definition of reality that are agreed on by both parties.

This means letting go the desire to dig deep and sort this out once and for all. It's why the breezy notes are better than "you gave permission to change your room" or whatnot. If your son splits your ex black at some point and returns to you, and you become split white, that's part of the disorder.

What you did or did not do might matter some (we can all improve) and there are certainly important skills to minimize the chances of splitting. But we cannot cure BPD nor can we tell them they're wrong unless we like to watch something backfire in spectacular fashion  

If you and your ex can come together to make sure your son is safe, that is a big win. I'm not able to do this with my ex (BPD) so I know it's not always possible. However, if there is room there for some communication that makes for a solid toe-hold.
 

[MLA1]

Thank you so much, Livednlearned

what you have written is about the clearest and most helpful post I have read. A light went on in my head as I read what you wrote about my son and his feeling abandoned by his room getting cleaned.

I am new getting to understand BPD. My son was diagnosed by multiple psychiatrists / therapists as having depression since he was 12. It is only the event in December that has tipped the realization. And it is my counselor who is telling me this is BPD. So I have only become aware in the last 6 months. Really 4 as it took a while to find a therapist who could help me.

I want to ask you what you mean about letting the split go? I think I am clear that it is a fools errand to try to resolve this particular incident. But do you also mean to just get zen that this could be a long time, keep up with occasional notes, and see if in time he comes back? Or did you mean something else?

and in the meantime I should learn the skills to be ready should he come back (which I do plan to do).

My ex has told me (upon my inquiry, he would otherwise not communicate) that my son no longer has any problems - he's cured! because my son is now talking to him in more than grunts, he sees him as completely fine so there is nothing to worry about. He's a doctor btw, and wouldn't even help me find a psychiatrist for my son when the *(!*&* was hitting the fan. So sadly I do not expect he will keep me apprised of anything. He likely will reinforce with my son that I am "mentally ill" which explains why I would divorce him (couldn't be anything he did - this is what he told my daughter). And he won't want to share anything with me because he just likes that he 'won.' that i am sure is how he sees it. He's NPD. which makes this extra hard.

Sounds like you have your own version of this with your ex. I am sorry you have to deal with it. If it is any consolation, you are extremely effective helping me understand so I am already sure you are a pretty amazing parent.

Thank you so much for sharing your insights - it is really helping me!

[livednlearned]

I want to ask you what you mean about letting the split go? I think I am clear that it is a fools errand to try to resolve this particular incident. But do you also mean to just get zen that this could be a long time, keep up with occasional notes, and see if in time he comes back? Or did you mean something else?

I mean hanging in there (I know this is hard) and taking care of yourself so when he comes back you can move forward without feeling resentment or a need to unpack what happened. Unless he feels the need to do so, in which case: He might drill and drill and drill and drill about what a bad mom you are -- that's abusive. When that happens, the best advice I've read is to validate that he's feeling so angry at you, and where do you two go from here? (Two very helpful books for understanding BPD are Loving Someone Borderline by Shari Manning and Overcoming BPD by Valerie Porr).

People suffering from BPD have a hard time being accountable (which can require self-activation, which can trigger fear of abandonment). You can't be accountable for 100 percent of his feelings so the purpose of asking "where do we go from here?" is to try and engage the problem-solving part of his brain. If he's emotionally flooded, that will be nearly impossible to do but the question will (with any luck) slow down his tirade and redirect him away from an attack, if he's susceptible to doing that.

So sadly I do not expect he will keep me apprised of anything. He likely will reinforce with my son that I am "mentally ill" which explains why I would divorce him (couldn't be anything he did - this is what he told my daughter). And he won't want to share anything with me because he just likes that he 'won.' that i am sure is how he sees it. He's NPD. which makes this extra hard.

I'm so sorry you have two people with personality disorders in your life, that is rough. It happens to many of us, and I'm glad you were able to make a life for yourself, although terribly sad that your son has been affected, and you, by extension.

It's hard to predict because people always surprise us, but it seems unlikely this father-son bonding adventure will last. It's unfortunate that your ex will triangulate the situation (see Karpmann drama triangle) because you being the bad guy stabilizes their relationship.

My ex (n/BPD) was estranged from his family (BPD mother) and his (non-BPD) father, who would send notes. I could tell they meant something to my ex, but unfortunately the notes always had something in them that gave my ex ammo to remain estranged. Things like, "It's causing your mother a lot of pain what you're doing." Or, "This has gone on long enough and it's time to make amends." "When you're done punishing us we are here."

The rest of the notes would be pleasant enough and say nice things, but there would be a sentence or two that confirmed for my ex that they were still bad people.

You have good instincts and are learning how to communicate with someone who has BPD. Breezy, stress free notes that are validating and light as a feather may help create an easier path back to you when your son splits again.

[MLA1]

Thank you so much, Learnednlived

Your words are truly helpful to me. I'm going to work on incorporating your suggestions and see where I can get to with my son.
I am truly grateful you took the time to respond to me!