How much time do you spend researching about BPD?

[40 years in]

Hi all, new here and my first post.

I'm 40 years into this relationship.I'm a fairly laid back person (you'd have to be, right?), but as it clicks on, year after year, I'm slowly waking up from my life of being laid back (read, non-confrontational, passive, voiceless, low/no life expectations) I'm beginning to realise that my life has never been about me!

I'm beginning to realise, that being voiceless doesn't serve me. Being quiet to save "rocking the boat", only serves one person. Meeting others needs, does nothing to serve my own.

The past 8 months, I've begun to react towards him, in the same way he has to me, our whole marriage.
I've begun to stop 'doing' for him, what he's not prepared to do for me.
I've stopped reacting. I've stopped responding. I speak and treat him, very much the same as he treats me.

Has he noticed... absolutely. Has the preverbial, hit the fan... indeed it has, but I figured... what do I have to lose?
In fact, the peace and empowerment has been quite refreshing. Yes of course, there are attempts at tantrums, but if you don't give them any power and leave the room, what more can he do when there's no audience.
I've stopped spending time walking on eggshells. I've begun to find my voice and it's pretty strong now.
I've even said I no longer love him because of how he treats me. That sent him into a 4 day silence and then Mr. Nicer guy came out. I don't fall for these masks now, I know he won't change.
He said it feels like I'm being spiteful! Wow, yes! I'm so glad you can finally feel that is how it feels like to be spoken to as you've spoken to me for so many years.

My question to you all is...

How much time do you or have you spent researching, reading, you tubing etc. to try to understand all about your BPD partner? And more importantly... where has this got you?

I know when I stop doing this research, I have so much more free time to grow me

[Huntinfool123]

Wow!  40 Years?  That is a long time.  I'm at 27 Years in my relationship.  I've found that for my relationship it seems to be getting worse with time.  I am not sure if it because we are nearing the empty nest stage, the financial stress she is trying to hide or if it truly is just the lack of me trying as hard now. I am not giving back what she gives me that much because I know it won't help, I am however doing like you and stopped reacting and distancing myself.  This could also be what is making it worse because I am not giving her the emotional supply.

I find myself researching when I have free time.  Sometimes it's 1 hour a day, sometimes it could be 3 hours a day.  What I am realizing is the more I research it, the more I try to fix it, the more I see issue in her behavior.  I have always noticed it, but I would push it aside but the more I learn about BPD/NPD the harder it is for me to see anything but a PD.  I feel it has actually made our marriage worse.  For me it has allowed me to see that it isn't just all me, I am not a terrible person and some of what she says is projecting how she feels.  Initially, this gave me some relief but as I look forward I feel I am building resentment towards her because of the research, instead of taking all the blame. 

I hope it gets better for you! 

[Tangled mangled]

Hi 40,
Welcome to this board.
About your question on how many hours spent researching. A little context I was in a 10 yr marriage to a male bpd. When I first found out about NPD and the other PD, I binged on YouTube and other internet sites and this board. The binge lasted at least the first 6 months. I’m in my 30s so I have other responsibilities.
I went through different stages of grief, the anger was explosive initially. I overreacted matching his energy tit for tat. Only to realise that was narc supply in its own rights. It was bad for our children too. Once I started working on myself-taking antidepressants, eating healthy food I like, preparing to leave the relationship , my focus shifted from him to other important things.
I initially spent over 3 per day studying . It’s now less than 3 hours per week. If you give yourself something to do that he never liked, you start taking your power back

[ConflictedWalrus]

How much time do you or have you spent researching, reading, you tubing etc. to try to understand all about your BPD partner? And more importantly... where has this got you?

Shortly after being discarded by my uBPDstbxw (married 13 years), I discovered BPD and this site. In the initial month, I probably spent 8-10 hours a day reading. Mostly it was this site's massive back-catalog of posts, but also some of the recommended books (SWOE, etc).

Now (3 months out) it's down to 4-5 hours a week, both in this forum and in books. I also think about her a lot less -- I think a lot of the grief I should be feeling right now was pre-processed during previous cycles with her, .

I know when I stop doing this research, I have so much more free time to grow me

More important than "the time" is the "why".

Excessive study/reading into BPD was dual-purpose in that it gave me a stronger framework to understand her behaviors, and it also helped to "fill" the time where I was otherwise incapable of "being there" emotionally and mentally. I've always used excess reading as a coping mechanism / form of escape -- how helpful that my "escape" also allowed me to better understand the issues that led me to where I was in life.

The other thing to consider is that there isn't any correct amount of studying. We're all at different stages in this journey and will all process things at a different pace.

Just do what you need to do to make you a better you, and don't feel guilty if it seems like too much or too little.

[Notwendy]

I don’t do much research anymore but I did - I still post here. I didn’t research it to try to change anyone else but to understand.

I knew something wasn’t right with my BPD mother but nobody would talk about it. We had to pretend all was normal. Finding out about BPD was the answer to a mystery for me since childhood.

Learning about the dynamics in a relationship helped me to understand my father - who was both the supportive and more normal parent and my mothers enabler. This helped me to understand the situation better and have empathy for him and also for my mother . It doesn’t mean the behavior is ok but understanding the issues helped me to not see it as personal to me but that she has a mental illness.

Learning about the family dynamics helped me to understand why I behaved in ways that caused issues in my own relationships.

If researching BPD leads you to a better understanding of your relationships and your role in them- it can benefit you. If it keeps you focused on the other persons behavior without looking at your own - then it might take your focus away from your own emotional growth.

[Joaquin]

Hi 40!
Your post really resonates with me. I’m only 4/5 years in, but I was a voiceless doormat slave for the first 2 years, then I hit my limit and it all started pouring out of me year 3 when life got beyond unbearable. It was messy but the previous reality was simply no longer an option. A person can only suppress themselves for so long.

I’m really happy for you that you’ve reclaimed yourself and your dignity. I can hear the triumph in your voice.

How much to study/focus on BPD has been a struggle for me too. I find that when I’m very focused on it I’m better prepared for my uBPDw’s dysregulation, but it also takes something out of me. I feel like life becomes just this clinical job. But when I stop focusing/studying the BPD and try to live more organically, I’m less prepared and more reactive to my wife’s dysregulation and dysfunction. I’m unfortunately finding that that causes too much chaos, so I think I have to remain focused on it forever, or at least for as long as the relationship lasts.

For your study I’d recommend focusing on limit setting techniques. It sounds like you’re already having success.