Actual text exchange..

[thankful person]

How’s this for a response to bpdw texting me about never making an effort etc:

“Goodnight I’m not going to lay here getting insulted. I get up very early and I want to try and get some sleep”.

Ok the conversation is going on a few mins but I’m determined to end it.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

A former president of my country (male) was televised demeaning the accomplishments of the former speaker of the house (female) to her face.

She responded, "Please do not diminish my many achievements" or something like that.

It was fire.

"I'm not going to lay here getting insulted" seems to detract from the message you are trying to send.

If you are not going to lay here getting insulted, that is something you can just do. No need to report it (it's bait).

"Please do not diminish my efforts. I wake early and I'm heading to bed. See you in the morning" seems less bait-y.

Thoughts?

[thankful person]

Lived, you make a good point. Actually my attempt failed miserably because she buzzed my phone with several phone calls then when I threatened to turn it off she stormed in and was in my room for 1.5 hours loudly going on at me about what a bad wife I am.

I have been told, “if you don’t start making an effort with our sex life and our relationship, then our marriage will be over by Christmas…”

Of course, I gave in, I apologised. I got angry and called her a bully. I cruelly accused her of playing the mental health card following a recent minor car crash. I promised I would try harder. All of this is mostly because we are going on holiday on Sunday and I do want to try and keep the peace. Now I feel I’m a disappointment to everyone including you guys.

I am willing to give up the peace over my mother’s upcoming not yet planned visit after our holiday, and I will give up the marriage if it comes to it. But I just want to get through the holiday and hope the kids don’t have a terrible time.

I have lots to come to terms with if I’m not going to be here with my children as they grow up.

[babyducks]

These are very difficult relationships.   Often, no matter our best efforts, the relationship becomes so dysfunctional that it just can't continue.   great wisdom through painful experience,  I learned I can't communicate with someone who isn't willing to listen.   I can have the greatest message in the world, and convey it in the best possible way, but if the person I am talking with isn't in a place to take it in, well then...I'm going nowhere with my message.

it is very difficult to not react when attacked.   especially for 1.5 hours.   this constant message your wife delivers, 'if you don't start making an effort', I see this as verbal / emotional abuse.   it's a threat.  when people make threats, they are trying to control you.   this type of blaming behavior makes you feel like you are responsible when you are not.   you are not a disappointment.   not at all.   not even a little bit.   not to me.    I know exactly what it is like to be verbally abused and exactly how impossible it is to communicate my way out of it.

'ducks

[thankful person]

Ducks, thank you for getting back to me so quickly and for your continued support. I have known the same for some time actually. It’s like there’s a filter in my wife’s brain where some evil entity is sitting there giving the worst possible delusional spin on everything that happens and she believes everything they tell her. I just don’t know what to do. I’m sorry I ever thought you were wrong when you said I don’t think there’s much hope for this relationship.

[babyducks]

It’s like there’s a filter in my wife’s brain where some evil entity is sitting there giving the worst possible delusional spin on everything that happens and she believes everything they tell her.

your wife has a seriously disordered way of processing the events of life and lives in a distorted reality.    you can't change that.   

it's hard to hold onto your own version of reality when someone you care about is screaming at you that you are wrong.

upstream in this thread NotWendy said something about certain people not being a good fit together.   Me and my Ex?    not a good fit together.   lots of reasons but really nobody's fault.   I gave it my best shot.   I do think my Ex gave it her best shot.    it was never going to fit together.