Birthdays, need advice

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So this week is a week of celebrations. A week ago was my uBPDh’s birthday. We took him out to celebrate, which ended with me calling the police as my uBPDh was screaming at me and my 12 year old son. Since then we have had no contact, or I should say he has chosen no contact with me. Wednesday was my son’s birthday. We had planned dinner, with my uBPDh and other family and friends, though no timing had been confirmed with him. He did not reach out to say happy birthday to my son, my stepdaughter did not reach out to say happy birthday and my mother in law (who always says she will be there for the kids no matter what, never taking sides with the kids) did not acknowledge my son’s birthday. Thus, I decided it best to continue forward with our plans not initiating giving the extra info to my uBPDh but giving it to him if he asked. So we celebrated without him. Friday rolls around and my daughter and stepdaughter are invited to the same birthday party. My stepdaughter’s mom invited me to my stepdaughter’s birthday party on Monday…apparently my h didn’t tell her that he had already invited us. I thanked her and told her we would try to make it. I also mentioned that my stepdaughter was invited to my son’s birthday party which was on Saturday…she and my stepdaughter knew nothing about it, even though my h had  RSVP’d relatively quickly after receiving the invitation making it known that both of them would be there. She asked what time, I told her and she replied saying my h had never even asked to have her earlier than planned so she could attend the party. Immediately, I thought did my h do this on purpose, create drama surrounding my son so that he didn’t have to go to his party and could disappoint my son again, this wouldn’t be the first time he did that if so. Saturday rolls around, my h and stepdaughter don’t show up at the party, as kind of expected, unfortunately. Per my L’s advice, I had sent him a text on Friday trying to set up a plan for Father’s Day. No response to that as well. I followed through with my plan and then DoorDashed breakfast to him and my stepdaughter this morning saying happy Father’s Day. No response, though I didn’t expect one and will have that kids send a happy Father’s Day video later tonight. Tomorrow is my stepdaughter’s birthday and birthday party. I will send her a happy birthday video like we do every year. I have a gift for her. My question is do we attend her party. I know my h will be there. I don’t want any drama. Especially for my stepdaughter. No matter what I will have my son stay home, I think it’s too early to expect him to be around my h after how he has been treated. I can go and sit in the opposite side of the pool. But..the stress will fill the air I am sure. I am most afraid when we go to leave, that he will try to take my kids and a scene will erupt again. I feel like I am dammed if I do and I am dammed if I don’t tomorrow!

[dtkm]

So this week is a week of celebrations. A week ago was my uBPDh’s birthday. We took him out to celebrate, which ended with me calling the police as my uBPDh was screaming at me and my 12 year old son. Since then we have had no contact, or I should say he has chosen no contact with me. Wednesday was my son’s birthday. We had planned dinner, with my uBPDh and other family and friends, though no timing had been confirmed with him. He did not reach out to say happy birthday to my son, my stepdaughter did not reach out to say happy birthday and my mother in law (who always says she will be there for the kids no matter what, never taking sides with the kids) did not acknowledge my son’s birthday. Thus, I decided it best to continue forward with our plans not initiating giving the extra info to my uBPDh but giving it to him if he asked. So we celebrated without him. Friday rolls around and my daughter and stepdaughter are invited to the same birthday party. My stepdaughter’s mom invited me to my stepdaughter’s birthday party on Monday…apparently my h didn’t tell her that he had already invited us. I thanked her and told her we would try to make it. I also mentioned that my stepdaughter was invited to my son’s birthday party which was on Saturday…she and my stepdaughter knew nothing about it, even though my h had  RSVP’d relatively quickly after receiving the invitation making it known that both of them would be there. She asked what time, I told her and she replied saying my h had never even asked to have her earlier than planned so she could attend the party. Immediately, I thought did my h do this on purpose, create drama surrounding my son so that he didn’t have to go to his party and could disappoint my son again, this wouldn’t be the first time he did that if so. Saturday rolls around, my h and stepdaughter don’t show up at the party, as kind of expected, unfortunately. Per my L’s advice, I had sent him a text on Friday trying to set up a plan for Father’s Day. No response to that as well. I followed through with my plan and then DoorDashed breakfast to him and my stepdaughter this morning saying happy Father’s Day. No response, though I didn’t expect one and will have that kids send a happy Father’s Day video later tonight. Tomorrow is my stepdaughter’s birthday and birthday party. I will send her a happy birthday video like we do every year. I have a gift for her. My question is do we attend her party. I know my h will be there. I don’t want any drama. Especially for my stepdaughter. No matter what I will have my son stay home, I think it’s too early to expect him to be around my h after how he has been treated. I can go and sit in the opposite side of the pool. But..the stress will fill the air I am sure. I am most afraid when we go to leave, that he will try to take my kids and a scene will erupt again. I feel like I am dammed if I do and I am dammed if I don’t tomorrow!

[dtkm]

Checking back to see if anyone has any thoughts on how I should proceed. I would love to celebrate my stepdaughter, I would love to see my husband (I miss him greatly), I just am afraid it’s not the correct thing to do right now. I’m just kind of at a loss as to what to do. Thoughts? Thanks!

[GaGrl]

My thought is that the situation is unsettled enough right now that it may be best to simply drop off the gift and not attend.

[kells76]

Hey dtkm;

I know the feeling you're talking about, that a pwPD might use a group event to do something manipulative to the kids on your time.

Sometimes I've had to gameplan the whole thing out in my head ahead of time, and be okay with a lot of possible outcomes, so that we don't get blindsided by the pwBPD goading us into a reaction that has us playing out their scripted role for us in front of the kids.

I'm wondering if your "spidey sense" is telling you that whether your H "intends" to or not, this is the kind of situation he might use to get his emotional needs met by creating a lose-lose situation for you in front of the kids. Either you go to the party and if he wants to take the kids from there, you're the bad guy for creating a scene, or you don't go to the party and he tells SD "see, she never cared". That would be a typical construct, even though in both situations you're trying to do the best you can by keeping the kids out of it.

If I were faced with a group birthday party where I suspected that the PD parent might create drama involving the kids, and if it were a party I wasn't in charge of but was invited to, I might start thinking through:

-when is he likely to get there, so I can arrive at a later/different time
-how long am I okay with staying
-what's my goal for being there
-what can I tell the kids ahead of time, so they aren't surprised/upset if I say "hey, it's time to go even though the party isn't over"
-what's the room setup (!) so I don't get trapped somewhere
-do I know anyone else there who understands my situation
-how many people might be there (sometimes things are easier in a larger crowd)

It's sounding to me like you'd like to make a personal appearance because you care about your SD and would like her to know that you care. I wonder if a five minute stop at the party could do it for you?

Besides S12, do you think the rest of your kids would want to stay the whole time -- i.e., would it be hard on them to do something like a five minute drop by? Or if you talked it through with them ahead of time, could something work?

One more thing to keep in mind is that it could be helpful to separate out the purpose of the party (celebrating your SD) with your desire to see your H. Both are true and valid, however, it may complicate things to have both be the purpose of your time there. I wonder if your path forward could be more clear if you could tell yourself "I want to celebrate SD and I also miss H. Today is for SD, and I know I am capable of making a plan to see H at another time."

I truly get how challenging these birthday parties are... been there done that  

Thoughts?

[livednlearned]

Checking back to see if anyone has any thoughts on how I should proceed. I would love to celebrate my stepdaughter, I would love to see my husband (I miss him greatly), I just am afraid it’s not the correct thing to do right now. I’m just kind of at a loss as to what to do. Thoughts? Thanks!

I feel for you, how hard these events are. It sounds like he has a hard time with celebrations in general (reading back over your posts).

You have a complex family with bio kids, step kids, half siblings. There is a lot of chaos, yelling, name-calling, he is abusive to the kids, especially to your 11yo.

Your husband filed for divorce, moved out, you filed a TPO and dropped it, and because the other home is still available he's using it as a place to go when he wants. Therapy and counseling was unsuccessful and you want to stay married.

Is it fair to say that what you want are skills to help you keep your marriage together?

Or is your priority to keep your kids safe (esp your 11yo)?

It feels like a complex situation and it's hard to know how to support you without knowing what the goals are.

[dtkm]

Honestly, I want both, though I know that may be very hard to attain. I said “till death do us part” and I meant it, he is my husband and I do want that for eternity. I also will stand up for what I believed is right with my kids, each and every one of them.  I have finally found a therapy group that will work individually with my 3 older kids and integrate other family members or the whole family (me mostly) when they feel the time is right.  I am very hopeful for this to start some healing for the family…or at least the kids and I. I am so stressed right now!  I am a mom of 4 (5 including my stepdaughter) kids, literally trying to be superwoman. I want so much for all of us…I feel like I can see so much potential but I can’t ever get there.

[livednlearned]

Ok that's helpful to know.

There are different boards for different purposes and I'm wondering if this might help:

Should I use "Bettering" or the "Conflicted Board": The "Improving an Ongoing Relationship" board is for members looking to solve specific relationship problems, to be coached on the use of relationship tools, and to examine their role in relationship conflict.

The "Conflicted or Just Tolerating a Relationship" board is for those seeking some emotional support and coping skills, but maybe you don't feel you're ready for problem solving or tools quite yet - or those who are even conflicted about staying in the relationship.

There's no judgment on these boards about where to be. One is not better than the other. It's more to make sure you're getting the kind of support you're looking for. If being committed to your marriage is a priority, it could feel invalidating to have people suggest you get divorced (which is not encouraged on Bettering).

Here's a link to how things work on the Bettering board if that's helpful to you: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56303.0

[dtkm]

Thank you for explaining the different categories LNL. I really appreciate it. I thought since we are technically in the divorce process that I needed to post on the conflicted board. I will post on the bettering board next time.  I ended up deciding to put it on him…I sent him a text saying that we wanted to go, but wanted to respect his boundaries so wanted his input and he reaponded saying we couldn’t go as it wasn’t his party. The birthday party ended up going as well as it could have gone. I realized from reading your reply Notwendy, that I am totally mixing my emotions and hopes of kids events and husband/wife interactions. I think I do that because often times he comes over to see the kids, he ends up getting flirty with me and pulling me in. I decided to have no expectations for us, to truly be there for the kids and that’s what I did!  I played with whatever child he wasn’t playing with at the moment and truly enjoyed every second with them, as well as my 8 year old and my stepdaughter. My husband didn’t interact with a single person other than my 2 younger kids (with the exception of one time, he just ignored my 8 year old and I told my 13 year old he didn’t have to go). Ok, he may have told my stepdaughter to watch the kids when he went to the bathroom (though the kids ran to me) and asked her mom how much he owed for the party, but that was literally it!  We got there 20 minutes late and he was sitting on a bench, with his bag (swim party so towel, etc in it) across his body, staring off into space not near anyone! You say your 12 year old means the world to you, then why don’t you interact with her on her birthday!  He swam with the kids, but it was too hard for him to manage both kids so he would play with one…leaving the other with me…and then switch. He did take the kids aside a couple of times to whisper things to them, which I hate as who knows what he says but in the end he did encourage them to go home with me, though I was very scared he wouldn’t!  Tomorrow is a doctors appointment for our youngest. Fingers crossed it goes well!  He is already asking what kids I am bringing to the appointment. My plan is to make a plan with the kids for after the appointment, and text him tonight to see if he wants to join us so he knows we have plans but he won’t feel left out. Who knows…it may work and it may not!

[ForeverDad]

Most holiday lists in parenting orders do not include the parents' birthdays, only the children's birthdays.  This is a reminder that officially the attention is focused on the children, not the adults.

The holidays lists include just about every conceivable holiday.  If and when court is preparing to issue a parenting order, probably best to proactively strike out the ones that don't apply to your family.  I learned the hard way... When I sought to take a vacation with my son between the major holidays of Christmas and New Year's Day, my ex surprised me by claiming she wanted to observe Kwanzaa, though we had never observed it before.  When in court she stated that she was not of Jewish descent.  My lawyer kept asking her to describe this Jewish holiday, until finally the judge told my lawyer to move on.  (She obviously didn't know the difference between Kwanzaa and Hanukkah.)  Since neither holiday applied to us, it was obvious that she just used that claim to obstruct my vacation notice.