Broken mother

[Lyzz]

My youngest child and I are having major differences and I am broken since she has decided to no longer talk to me ! She is an adult and I love her with my whole heart. I don’t understand why as many times as I’ve tried that she chooses to ignore me .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[By Still Water]

Hello Lyzz,
     I am a teacher who is more active, here, in the summer when I don't have such time-consuming work. I , too, have experienced the feeling of being broken. Our adult son has chosen estrangement. It will be going on two years. This happened suddenly; one day we were continuing cheerful, positive phone conversations, and out of the blue his texts turned snide (based on simply knowing for whom we voted and twisting things we said innocuously and with good will.  We have sent texts to let him know my wonderful MIL, his grandmom, had passed - no response from him. We have wished him a happy birthday, with love - no response. It does make us feel as if our hearts are breaking. I've grown to the point where I hurt for him and his mental illness, not by him. Our other adult children participate in healthy, great relationships with us. If you have healthy relationships with other progeny, consider these comforting and affirming.
    Our son has pulled away from one sibling but keeps in contact with the passive, youngest sibling.
     This site has such helpful resources. I often remind myself of the Three C's: I didn't cause it; I can't control it; I can't cure it. 
     I hope you will be wary of self-flagellating, self-accusatory thoughts that lead us down dark rabbit holes; I've faced the temptation myself. My faith helps me keep my thoughts rational, constructive, and positive. It sounds trite, but repeating to myself, "Let go and let God," has been freeing - just knowing that we can't control BPD; we can only control how we respond to it.
     How old is your child? Do you have other children? If so, how do they view it all?

[tristesse]

Hi Lyzz
I'm so sorry you experiencing this heartache
I also have an adult daughter with BPD  and used to ghost me when she became dysregulated.
Here is what I know helped me.
1. continue to reach out with the reassurance that you love her, even when she doesn't respond.
2. try to use the tools provided on this site, they really do work.
3. take care of yourself and your own mental health. BPD is mean and hateful, and does not discriminate!
4. therapy for yourself .
I know loving a person with BPD is very difficult, at times it consumes your entire life. stay strong, and stay positive. there is hope, things can get better.
Big hug to you my friend.

[InTheWilderness]

Lizz, this is my current struggle too. My son tells me he feels better when he’s not talking to me or my husband. But I don’t really know if his motivation is punishment or a way for the pwBPD to protect themselves from potential triggers. Maybe it’s a combination of both. If he’s protecting himself, I have more compassion than if he’s seeking to punish me (because I find the estrangement incredibly painful).I don’t have enough experience with this facet of BPD to understand it in my son. But I think the way we choose to think about this behavior (every behavior actually) has significant impacts on our own emotional state.

Also, I want to validate his pain because I think it is very real. Does that mean I tell him I don’t like being cut off but that I want to respect his boundaries? I don’t know if that’s the right way to think about it but I find some relief taking this perspective.

Do you think there is an element of self preservation in your daughter’s decision to cut you off?

Since my son has blocked both my husband and me, I’m emailing him every other day. He is not responding, but I feel better reaching out to him. Anyway, it’s all I can do. I honestly think it may be just as hard on him to cut us off, so I’m reaching out for both of us.

You’re not alone, Lizz. Everything about this disorder is hard.

[Annyah702]

In the Wilderness I related very much to what your experience has been as my young adult daughter has also chosen to remove herself from my life because she says our interactions are triggering for her.  It breaks my heart that she is gone and that I feel that I have little hope of ever having her in my life again, but the way I look at it is that as a mother it is my job to try to protect her and keep her from harm.  If she believe that interactions with me are causing her harm than I am giving the greatest sacrifice as a mother to grant this request and keep her from pain. 
-Annyah

[InTheWilderness]

Annya, thanks for that.

Lyzz and Annya, no contact does feel permanent doesn't it? I don't know why that is, but I feel it too. My experience with other family members tells me it isn't permanent, that the pwBPD will come back around. Do you think a young adult child will feel the loss pretty strongly, which will motive them to re-engage with their parent(s)?

My son used to call us at least three times a week. He often asked for our guidance on one thing or another. I don't think those needs get turned off with no contact, but that's just a guess on my part. Not having BPD myself, I can't say I understand my son's mind very well.

Tristesse, I like the idea of thinking of it as "ghosting" vs. permanent no-contact.

Thank you all for this discussion.