Trapped in Chaos: Co-Parenting, Legal Battles, and the Impact of BPD

[Fabs]

Feeling hopeless at the moment... In 2020, I ended a troubled relationship primarily for the sake of our children. Despite enduring a relationship that was never great, I tried my best to make it work. However, I reached a point of exhaustion. From romantic betrayals to various forms of physical assault and intimidation, I provided support and understanding to my ex-partner, hoping that she would realize I was there to support her, not control her. Eventually, I had to remove myself from the situation. I started working longer hours and made myself less available for anything related to her.

Unfortunately, as I distanced myself, she began lashing out at the kids. She would pick on them, shout, and confuse them. In response, I would engage, but I couldn't tolerate the situation any longer. I made the difficult decision to end the relationship, though I still question whether it was the right thing to do.

Despite claiming to love me, she often acted as if she hated me, with rare moments of happiness. After I left, she suddenly portrayed herself as a victim of domestic violence. She appealed to my supportive side, asking for money while also taking advantage of various benefits by claiming homelessness and being a victim of DV. Through this manipulation, she managed to gain custody of the children, becoming the main carer and resident parent. In the process, I found myself entangled in a family legal system that seems to favor mothers and treat fathers as mere sources of financial support.

Over the course of two years, she continuously lied, made confusing statements, and would share positive experiences with me only to abruptly cut ties and send nasty emails. She accused and projected her issues onto me. In order to protect myself, I kept my distance.

She started manipulating the children's contact, dictating when, where, and for how long I could see them. This affected not only my new relationship and my work but, most importantly, the well-being of the children. She threatened that if I went to court, I would lose all contact with them.

Eventually, she entered a new relationship, and during that time, I had the children for half of their time. It was a great arrangement with minimal communication. However, when she broke up, she drastically reduced my contact to every other weekend. She started making false accusations against me, involved the police, and insisted that she would only consider shared custody if I took legal action. Faced with no other choice, I decided to go to court. As a result, she cut off all contact between me and the children for two months.

During this time, a social worker contacted me, questioning why I had stopped seeing the children. I showed them the email she had sent, and thankfully, they helped to reinstate contact. However, the case escalated to level 4. I received a report detailing her diagnoses of BPD, ADHD, severe anxiety, depression, and bipolar disorder (with medication). She was receiving treatment for Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), and the report expressed concerns about child neglect, emotional abuse, and even a suicide attempt. It was a horrifying 14-page account that accurately described the horrors of my relationship.

In court, I was granted 50/50 custody. However, she is now bending, pushing, and breaking every clause of the court order, one by one. The school fully supports her, and the GP has a close personal relationship with her. She portrays herself as charismatic and enthusiastic in public, even manipulating the social worker to present a positive image in the report. Now, social services are avoiding dealing with her and urging me to compromise.

I'm exhausted from having no control over matters concerning the children. It feels like it's her way or no way. I'm terrified of triggering her and facing the consequences, as well as the potential harm it may cause to the children. The last trigger was her offense at my use of our daughter's full name in official communication with the school.

I constantly feel like I'm walking on eggshells. On top of everything, I continue to face the unfairness of the legal system, the high cost of living, and the need to disprove her lies to every institution and organization involved in our parenting responsibilities. The GP denies my parental rights based on her abuse allegations, but it's impossible for me to prove a negative. The school is completely biased in her favor, rejecting any safeguard measures I request. I'm desperately trying to protect myself from intimidation, emotional harm, and financial exploitation, but I haven't found any practical solutions.

So far, the advice I've received has been disheartening: "You're lucky to see your kids," "Just pay what you have to and move on," "Get therapy and take care of yourself." My worry is that I'm vulnerable and have no means to put a stop to this situation. The children are showing signs of emotional distress, and my stepdaughter, from whom contact was removed, has started self-harming.

I've complied with all the boundaries she has set, fearing arrest if I don't. Yet, she completely ignores any boundaries I try to establish. In the first two months alone, she has already disrespected four out of twelve clauses in the court order and broken one. I struggle to plan anything in my life because it feels like I'm still in the relationship, constantly on standby for an emergency, and forced to revolve around her needs and wants. It's a suffocating existence where regaining control without sacrificing my relationship with the children seems impossible.

[ForeverDad]

Document. Document. Document.

In the short term the facts may not mean much — the court assumes the conflict is merely the raw emotions of the relationship's end — but over time the professionals will see that you're the parent seeking and proposing solutions while the disordered parent is sowing conflict and obstructions.

News flash — Court is disinterested in mental health issues since (1) it just want to referee the end of the relationship, (2) it knows it can't fix messed up parents and (3) it limits itself to recent facts, usually ignoring anything older than 6 months before it was filed in court.

In my case I exited the two year divorce somewhat intact, moving up from alternate weekends to equal shared parenting.  Within weeks she had asked me to trade one of my days for one of hers.  (Voice of experience: Always, always get trades in writing!)  She took one of mine early in the week and I was supposed to get one of hers late in the week.  She was a no show when I went to pick up our (by then) kindergartner.  I called her and she said she was traveling with him several states away.  On an undeclared trip.

Court and the professionals had expected that with the divorce final that the conflict would have faded into the past.  Nope.  In the first couple years I filed a couple order violations against her but they went nowhere.  Almost like they didn't want to seriously deal with it, still hoping the conflict would fade.  Over the next few years I did get full custody.

Later I did get majority time during the school year, that was with the only good magistrate of the lot.  Finally my lawyer included recordings of her playing games with exchanges.  Also a couple teachers testified about her antics during his 5th grade overnight camping trip.  I lived with the discord day in and day out but I guess the teachers had more influence than dear old dad since my majority parenting time was awarded only during the school year.

But... for the first time a decision was issued declaring several times that she had disparaged me with my son.  Who knew that disparagement was against the rules?  Anyway, the magistrate noted that my ex needed counseling but did not order it since magistrate didn't have ex's financial information and wimped out writing ex might not be able to pay for counseling.

The good news is that finally after all those years I had a court order that deflated ex's entitlement and we never went back to court again.  Son aged out of the system and is an adult now.

I ought to add that my ex made so many child abuse allegations that I became a regular visitor to the local children's hospital's medical records office to determine what new claim had been made.  Disappointingly, everyone intimated that I shouldn't be so concerned, after all they were eventually filed as wimpy "unsubstantiated".  So far as I know none were categorized as the stronger "unfounded".

There was only one DV allegation, well after the divorce's final decree, likely she didn't pursue that strategy since she had been charged with Threat of DV when we separated.

[Fabs]

My ex's overinflated entitlement is enabled by the GP, school, system, benefits, and social worker. Despite having extensive evidence, including medical records, footage, voice recordings, messages, and emails, the social worker, school, GP, and court show no interest in considering my side of the story. They dismiss my evidence, often claiming that "she says the same thing" or that caution should be favored.

What deeply troubles me are the blatant lies. She claims to be traumatized by severe domestic violence and refuses to do child exchanges as proposed because she doesn't want me near her home. Instead, she suggested meeting in a deserted car park, convincing the social worker it was safe and public. Reluctantly, I accepted, recording the exchanges that lacked safety measures. I also have evidence of maintaining distance during drop-offs, contrary to her accusations. The social worker's response has been fatigue with the ongoing conflict.

Despite having 50/50 custody, I am still required to pay child support because the receiving parent must agree to equal shared care. However, I desperately need the money I earn to prioritize my declining mental health. I lack access to benefits, yet I must cover the costs of the children's activities and cope with the high cost of living, including housing and transportation near their school.

In stark contrast, she enjoys numerous government benefits that cover all the children's needs and more, while indulging in personal luxuries like tattoos, new hairstyles, and nails. The school uniforms go to her and don't come back, making it challenging for me to afford replacements. Meanwhile, the children's mental health slowly deteriorates, and they express disappointment in their mother's lack of engaging activities. The pressure is overwhelming, pushing me to my breaking point.

While I am grateful for achieving 50/50 custody, it feels unjust that she can behave without consequences. Additionally, when she needs assistance, the school or social worker readily support her, but when I require help, the school refuses involvement, and the social worker claims it is not their responsibility.

Her accusation that I don't pay enough money is sickening, especially since what I contribute is equivalent to a minimum wage. I have less for myself than what I provide. It is disheartening to witness her prioritizing personal indulgences instead of the children's needs, despite having access to ample benefits. The pressure intensifies as the children's mental health suffers, and they express dissatisfaction with their mother's lack of enjoyable experiences. Although I am grateful for the 50/50 custody arrangement, my ultimate goal now is to provide the quality care they deserve with the time I fought so hard to secure.