Borderline Family

[Done being momma]

This is my first post to this forum. I hesitate to open up about my family as I grew up with one sibling (sister), two years older than me,  who exhibited BPD traits but as far as I know was never diagnosed. She and I lost our parents at a young age and because of that our relationship was the only “family” I had. So I was well primed as the recipient of her toxic rage, blame and shaming. Fast forward to the present - of my three adult daughters, two have developed BPD, as has my deceased sister’s daughter, my niece. It has taken me much therapy to finally recognize the Borderline Famly System from which I emerged. It has been a long road but I have finally recognized that for me the only healthy thing to do is to protect myself from abuse by cutting off all avenues of contact. I am wondering how others have dealt with BPD family members bonding together to vilify and slander them... I am grateful to have found this site and know I am not alone,

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hello Done being momma and welcome. So glad you felt ready to post a bit about what's going on in your life -- you're truly with others who will get it about how complicated disordered family systems can be.

So if I am tracking correctly, your one sibling, your sister, had many BPD traits, and has passed away. Her daughter also has many BPD traits, as do two of your three daughters. That's... more than enough for one family, and it makes sense that you describe your family of origin as a borderline family system.

Does your niece have any siblings? And are there any other family members involved (i.e., did your dad or your mom have siblings, so any aunts/uncles...? any cousins around?)

As you ponder cutting off contact, is that with your niece and two of your daughters? Are those the family members that are joining together to badmouth you? And as far as you know, is that "just" badmouthing you to each other, or to others outside the family?

What is your relationship like with your non-BPD daughter?

...

You're definitely not alone in navigating family relationships in ways that "normal families" don't have to do. It makes a lot of sense that you would decline to make yourself available to slander and vilification by decreasing or eliminating contact. Even if you step back from contact, are you still concerned about what might happen with those family members? I.e., if they would speak ill of you to others, or escalate, or...?

Let us know your thoughts -- again, really glad you joined and shared with us. We're here for you;

kells76

[InTheWilderness]

That is a lot of trauma for you, Done being momma. I'm glad you've been able to get therapy.

It is tremendous work to try to recover from a family system of mental illness, especially when the problems are ongoing. It has been with you in the past, is currently present and will continue into the foreseeable future. How do you begin to manage? I think you should trust yourself, Done being momma. Do what you need to prioritize your own mental health.

I have a family system (across multiple generations) of mental illness too. BPD, schizophrenia, and bipolar. There are periods of no contact in these relationships. I am noticing that not hearing from my son (pwBPD) does provide some needed quiet. I'm trying to name and embrace the positives. Although super difficult, not hearing from him has freed me from his meanness and disturbing behavior.

What you say about family members ganging up and vilifying you, this has happened between my sister, and her son and his girlfriend. My sister needed to go no contact for a while for the sake of her own mental health. The lying and toxic behavior became so painful, she wasn't functioning well. Yes, she worried about his erratic behavior and especially his run-ins with the police. But he had her questioning herself (her parenting) to such a degree it became very unhealthy. I often reminded her that she was indeed a good parent, a good person and had always been.

Do you have someone in your life that can serve as a reality check? When you are bombarded with so much negativity, I think you need to lean on your friends, therapist, etc who can help you see that you don't need to believe that stuff, that it is damaging to believe it, and that you are actually a good person who deserves a good life. All that negativity is the illness speaking.

I'm sorry you're surrounded by this on so many sides, Done being momma. I've found reading through the messages on this site and reaching out when I'm really struggling to be helpful.

[Done being momma]

Thank you for so much for your kind welcome.

Reading posts on the these boards has helped a lot. I too hesitated to post and feared that somehow the pwBPD would see my post and somehow identify me and attack me publicly.
I have avoided social media for the same reason.

To really trust that I am safe here to share from my life experience living with pwBPD will take some time.  It has only been through becoming the object of rageful targeting by my adult daughter that I have finally seen the BPD pattern was evident in my family of origin and is now repeating in the next generation.

I’m grateful for your help.