Lost and confused

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

This whole idea is new to me right now. 3 weeks ago I checked out Stop Walking on Eggshells (therapist recommended) and started investigating some online resources.

I've been married now 20 years and we have 2 kids.

With hindsight now I keep remembering incidents in the past. A takeout ranch fell on the floor and my eldest (and me) thought he was going to be hit. I installed software on my computer we had joked about being bad, and she wiped my computer hard drive. I went to lunch with coworkers and the leftovers got discarded and there was a raging fight. And so many more that seem to fit descriptions from others.

I'm still not even sure. Do I have to leave? Will she change? Can she? Have I let the kids be broken (Hardest to write question)? Is leaving with the kids better or worse for them now? How do I even begin planning to leave? I never thought I would have to.

Then times like this morning she apologized for eating so many from the pack of cookies I got for the kids. She offered to pick up more tasks around the house recently, and got some done too. Her therapist recommended we see a couples counselor which sounds good to me. I left it for her to schedule but doubt that will happen.

I feel very lost and confused but I hope I have a better answer now. Lots to talk about in session this week.

[tatsuling]

This whole idea is new to me right now. 3 weeks ago I checked out Stop Walking on Eggshells (therapist recommended) and started investigating some online resources.

I've been married now 20 years and we have 2 kids.

With hindsight now I keep remembering incidents in the past. A takeout ranch fell on the floor and my eldest (and me) thought he was going to be hit. I installed software on my computer we had joked about being bad, and she wiped my computer hard drive. I went to lunch with coworkers and the leftovers got discarded and there was a raging fight. And so many more that seem to fit descriptions from others.

I'm still not even sure. Do I have to leave? Will she change? Can she? Have I let the kids be broken (Hardest to write question)? Is leaving with the kids better or worse for them now? How do I even begin planning to leave? I never thought I would have to.

Then times like this morning she apologized for eating so many from the pack of cookies I got for the kids. She offered to pick up more tasks around the house recently, and got some done too. Her therapist recommended we see a couples counselor which sounds good to me. I left it for her to schedule but doubt that will happen.

I feel very lost and confused but I hope I have a better answer now. Lots to talk about in session this week.

[ForeverDad]

Her therapist recommended we see a couples counselor which sounds good to me. I left it for her to schedule but doubt that will happen.

Couples or marriage counseling, when dealing with apparent BPD perceptions and behaviors, might work if your spouse is in meaningful and progressing therapy.  Otherwise, it can easily devolve into a Blamefest, Blaming, and Blame Shifting.  We're all imperfect, we can all improve in some areas of our lives, but if you do have sessions together and she Denies her part in the problems then it is very unlikely to succeed.

That she can sometimes apologize might be an indication there may be some hope for family counseling.  Just understand there aren't any quick fixes.  Recovery is a process, not an event.

Dealing with BPD is predictably unpredictable.  If your spouse only behaves better sometimes when you acquiesce and appease then that's a boundary issue and not a good sign.

I'm still not even sure. Do I have to leave? Will she change? Can she? Have I let the kids be broken (Hardest to write question)? Is leaving with the kids better or worse for them now? How do I even begin planning to leave?

These are deep and profound questions.  There is no single answer.  Perhaps too these are not properly constructed questions.  For example, why would leaving have to be your action where you leave?  (In any case, whoever leaves, strategize to never leave your children behind.)

Reality often is that the stable person does step up and take that action, but not always.  In my case, my then-spouse was arrested and charged with Threat of DV and that started our separation and divorce.  Since I had a TPO (temp order of protection) while that case was pending and during that time I had safe possession of the home for a few months.  She never came back.  Sounds peaceful, right?  Well, except that she went to another court, domestic court, and got her own temp order with custody and majority parenting time which wasn't fixed until the final decree.  Yes, each case is a little different and certainly complicated.

BPD is a spectrum of varying poor perceptions and behaviors.  Perhaps now would be a good time to get some basics reviewed.  We have several other boards here, and one is our Tools and Skills Workshops board which does a fine job giving us an overview of education.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329744.0

Remember that this site is to aid us who are in acting-out relationships such as Borderline... it is NOT for those who are Borderline.

[livednlearned]

Do I have to leave? Will she change? Can she? Have I let the kids be broken (Hardest to write question)? Is leaving with the kids better or worse for them now? How do I even begin planning to leave? I never thought I would have to.

How old are the kids? What is their relationship like with each of you?

It takes time to wrap our heads around BPD traits and what they mean. For many of us it takes a long time to figure out which end is up and it's ok to take time and observe, and see if some of the communication and relationship skills can help make things less worse while you work through bigger decisions.

Even if she doesn't meet all the criteria, someone who has untreated BPD traits will be among the most difficult people to live with. The skills necessary to live with untreated BPD partners are not intuitive and must be learned.

And whether she has BPD or not, the same skills are useful in all relationships, including (and probably most importantly) with your kids.

[tatsuling]

How old are the kids? What is their relationship like with each of you?

The kids are 12 (almost 13) and 6. Both of them are fairly attached to me. It always seemed to be because of same sex attachment.

The older one has a very rough time with mom. Lots of yelling, more recently it's both directions. Generally with younger, I don't see much going on. For both of them there seem to be lots of promises for activities then no follow up.

[tatsuling]

These are deep and profound questions.  There is no single answer.  Perhaps too these are not properly constructed questions.  For example, why would leaving have to be your action where you leave?  (In any case, whoever leaves, strategize to never leave your children behind.)

In this case leaving means the relationship and not necessarily leaving physically. There would never be a question about leaving without the kids. There have only been a few days since either were born that I haven't been there. Even those times have been poor experiences for everyone.

[ForeverDad]

Since the children seem to favor being with you, don't fall into a self-made trap that some unwittingly do.  Some felt they needed to be overly-fair and defend the acting-out spouse.  Actually, you need to be careful you don't invalidate the children's observations and conclusions.  Don't excuse their mother's rants, rages or whatever, such as by saying "but she's your mother, she loves you."  Their mother is modeling poor behaviors and that is not to be defended or excused.  The fact is, she is sometimes somewhat normal and other times out of control, particularly when triggered.  She is both.  That is BPD.  Kids need confirmation that  blending normal with abnormal, functional with dysfunctional, healthy with unhealthy, is a bad combination.

Yes, then you're left with trying to explain it, especially hard to simplify it for kids.  Textbooks can describe the traits and symptoms, therapists and counselors can point to and encourage better relationship tools and smarter skills, but in the end it just doesn't make common sense.  That is mental illness in a nutshell.  Usually not severe enough to merit incarceration but too easily able to wrest relationships and parenting.

[livethequestions]

tatsuling,

I don't have much to offer in terms of advice, just wanted to commend you for everything you're already doing. You've only just found out about your wife having BPD, after all. You're lost and confused now, but you won't always be. All of this investigating and soul-searching will get you where you need to be; good for you for facing this head-on.

I can tell you care about your kids a lot, and my guess is they're very luck to have you. Try not to beat yourself up for "letting your kids be broken." Remember, she is responsible for her actions, no matter how skilled she is at deflecting.