Thank you all for helping me see that my wife really is delusional and has been dragging me down with her. I’m confused as to why, when I first joined bpd fam and started using all the tools and advice… my wife became so sane and reasonable.
Here is an example: from when baby 1 was born in 2019… w would have trouble getting comfy on the couch in order to breast feed baby. She would suddenly screech at me to get out with the baby. I was to wait with baby at the other side of the house until she was ready for baby.
This is what happens now. I hold (different) baby standing a metre away from her but facing other direction and not talking to her. We have a different sofa and she’s still not happy with it but doesn’t blame me.
Interestingly my mother has been dragged into this same accusation where she “makes no effort” and does not live up to my wife’s expectations of a mother in law. I was surprised when I spoke to Mum and said, “look you could at least respond to her messages…” Mum told me she always does.
Any other thoughts or advice welcome… I’m not giving up. I’m coming to terms with the idea that the marriage and family unit may not survive and I know there would be some good things about this. But I want to continue trying to get to a point where my wife treats me with more respect in the mean time.
Thank you all again, and yes the latest article on how a borderline relationship develops was spot on. What do you think about the fact that I saw a psychiatrist during the love bombing stage who I feel greatly encouraged me to go for it, giving up a 14 year relationship with a man I loved, a country I had emigrated to, my home, my business, my cat… for a mentally unstable girl 15 years younger than me on the other side of the world…? She said to me, “You know exactly what you want…” and I said, “I want her.” Was I already so far down the rabbit hole that she couldn’t even attempt to help me out? If I had seen a different therapist, might they have encouraged me not to leave so hastily?
To address these questions, yes, it is good that your wife stopped the screeching but the behavior is still controlling- how you stand, whether you look at her. It's similar with my BPD mother. Your wife's behavior reminds me of her in ways. You don't just take the trash out for her- how you do it, where you put the trash bin, you have to do it in a specific way. I even once put the trash bag in my car to drive to a dumpster because she would pitch a fit if I put it in her trash bin. Whether or not she's screeching, this is controlling and irrational. I accommodated this because we were visiting and it wasn't worth the drama to get into it over the trash but on a daily basis, that's difficult.
The "never enough" is a part of it too. I can visit, do a lot for my BPD mother but still to her she will find something I did or didn't do that was wrong or not enough. This is Victim perspective. We can't change how someone thinks. It's interesting that your mother plays into this too. I wonder if she also has enabling tendencies. To a child, a parent's behavior is their "normal". I also learned enabling behavior as a child. You may feel like your enabling is automatic, or normal to you.
Why did the tools from this board work and then not work? We can influence behaviors through our own behavior- such as boundaries, stopping behaviors that reinforce disordered ones. The tools worked for this but they are not a treatment for someone's disordered thinking. They don't cure mental illness. Still - this is what is tried first. For milder situations, behavioral changes might take the conflict down to a more manageable level. The person will still have BPD though. Since each relationship is different, and most people on the improving board want to at least try to do what they can to improve the relationship- the tools are valuable. But if there is still significant dysfunction after that, then that may need to be reassessed. For me, the tools have made a difference in my own relationship with my BPD mother, but they haven't changed her thinking or her own decisions.
As to the psychiatrist who encouraged you to pursue this relationship. You both only knew what you knew at the time. It's hard to know what her perception of the relationship was at the time. If you were truly determined to pursue the relationship, I don't think a therapist can stop someone from doing so.
