Hi Everyone

[Parents! Get help here!]

I am new to the family. I have a 28 yr old daughter with diagnosed BPD. I feel like this is an umbrella diagnosis because she a lot more issues than that. She steals, she is ODD, and I feel HPD, although undiagnosed. Her father was a huge mistake, and a menace to society. (major mental issues) She was sexually abused on 2 separate occasions for long periods of time. I have struggled with her all her life. She has been out on her own 3 or 4 times now. The last time she went to Arizona (We are from St Louis) She was out there 2 yrs. During that time she was kicked out of multiple places. She was homeless multiple times. I worried so much about her, and multiple times told her she needed to come back to St Louis, where she at least knows people. I even gave her the option of moving back in, thinking the last 2 yrs may have changed her a bit. She refused multiple times. Finally the last time I asked she told me that if I was serious, then to come get her. She moved back in about 2 or 3 yrs ago, and at first it was fine. I trusted her, so it was like a roommate situation. that lasted about a year, but then she started falling back into her old ways. She doesn't have a job, I provide everything financially, and allow her to vent when she needs to. I have to lock my bedroom door when I'm not home because she just helps herself to my things when Im not there, breaking any household rules she feels like, very messy...etc..I have done everything for her that I know to do to make her happy, but recently she has began directing her anger at me from her feelings from childhood. I have no problem with that, but she is very disrespectful and cruel about it. I feel like it is verbal abuse. She even turned the fact that I drove for 14 hours, across multiple states to save her but into a bad thing. I have recently given her 30 days to move, and now she is guilt tripping me about the fact that her condition includes a fear of abandonment, and that I was only making it worse by kicking her out, and stopped bending over backwards for her. At this point were are barely speaking. This in only an introduction. I have no questions yet. Hoping this group helps me deal with her conditions.

[BPDMOM28]

I am new to the family. I have a 28 yr old daughter with diagnosed BPD. I feel like this is an umbrella diagnosis because she a lot more issues than that. She steals, she is ODD, and I feel HPD, although undiagnosed. Her father was a huge mistake, and a menace to society. (major mental issues) She was sexually abused on 2 separate occasions for long periods of time. I have struggled with her all her life. She has been out on her own 3 or 4 times now. The last time she went to Arizona (We are from St Louis) She was out there 2 yrs. During that time she was kicked out of multiple places. She was homeless multiple times. I worried so much about her, and multiple times told her she needed to come back to St Louis, where she at least knows people. I even gave her the option of moving back in, thinking the last 2 yrs may have changed her a bit. She refused multiple times. Finally the last time I asked she told me that if I was serious, then to come get her. She moved back in about 2 or 3 yrs ago, and at first it was fine. I trusted her, so it was like a roommate situation. that lasted about a year, but then she started falling back into her old ways. She doesn't have a job, I provide everything financially, and allow her to vent when she needs to. I have to lock my bedroom door when I'm not home because she just helps herself to my things when Im not there, breaking any household rules she feels like, very messy...etc..I have done everything for her that I know to do to make her happy, but recently she has began directing her anger at me from her feelings from childhood. I have no problem with that, but she is very disrespectful and cruel about it. I feel like it is verbal abuse. She even turned the fact that I drove for 14 hours, across multiple states to save her but into a bad thing. I have recently given her 30 days to move, and now she is guilt tripping me about the fact that her condition includes a fear of abandonment, and that I was only making it worse by kicking her out, and stopped bending over backwards for her. At this point were are barely speaking. This in only an introduction. I have no questions yet. Hoping this group helps me deal with her conditions.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[AcheyMom]

I am new here too.  Just wanted to say hi.  The group seems very quiet.  Not sure if it’s because it’s Summer?  I also have a daughter with BPD.  She is 33 and her biological father was also severely mentally ill and abusive.  I was very young and didn’t know about mental illness back then.  I left him when my daughter was 6 months old and despite being raised without him even having any visitation, she has turned out to have the same issues. He’s been homeless for years apparently and this is a big fear I have for my daughter.  Sorry you’re having a hard time with your daughter.  It is not easy living with high conflict personalities.  I feel very anxious in my own home anytime my daughter stays with us.  I have decided that my home has to be my sanctuary and I won’t live with her again.  We have recently reunited after a few years of little to no contact.  I’m working on boundary setting but I am not good at it and they seem to take it as criticism.

[Sancho]

Hi BPDMOM28
Our stories are a bit similar I think, except I have a gd in the equation as well. My dd was back and forth until about 3 years ago, then home mostly since then - although she did pack up and move in with a chap a few weeks ago - lasted about 2 weeks.

DD has had extensive substance abuse issues also and I am not sure how much her bpd is exacerbated by this.

The verbal abuse is shocking really - but in my mind it is what bpd is. My dd lashes out with extraordinary foul language and accusations towards me - and when she does she appears to be almost in another 'space'.

I have tried helping dd live independently, but it hasn't worked and I have ended up worse off financially. I would dearly love to be living independently myself now, but I can't see how that can happen. I am dealing with someone who is seriously mentally ill and my bottom line support is that she has a room here, so that I know she has a safe place to be.

So I steer my life as best I can: I greystone rock - which has been the best thing for us, and try to keep my mind on other things.

My dd also comes out with the most extraordinary stuff. It's like she is not really in reality. Everything - even every tiny thing - that goes wrong is my fault, she is out of money because she has spent everything on her daughter (my $$ usually) and how can she bear to live in this 'hell hole' any longer (well, nothing else has worked!).

It is all so, so irrational, anger driven and aggressive. It is so complex and clearly coming from a mind that is misfiring, or malfunctioning. In this state there is no way I an offer a suggestion or have any meaningful conversation. I just know that she has a safe space, there is nothing else I can do and I try as best I can to have some kind of life within these limits.

If I had not experienced this I don't think I would ever have been able to appreciate what others go through in dealing with it. I really feel for you and all of us who are in this situation. 'Nightmare' is not too strong a word in my opinion.