My 28 year old daughter with BPD has been given 30 days to move out due to her failure to follow household rules. This has been repeatedly over the last couple years. Since I gave her the notice, she has accused me of making her symptoms worse by kicking her out of the house when she has fear of abandonment. Is she correct? If so, what could possibly be done to avoid it. I mean I was kicked out of my house when I was 19 and it didn’t give me any fear of abandonment, but I may not have BPD. Not that there are not any symptoms present in me, but I can function in daily life and can get along with people and follow rules, especially in someone else’s house. California.
Hi and welcome to the forums.
What you're describing is textbook manipulation. My BPD kid did the exact same thing each time we asked her to leave at 18, 19, and 22. She would rant about how she'd get raped or killed if we kicked her out, and we felt like absolute deadbeat parents for standing our ground.
On maybe her 6th or 7th mental hospital stay just before she turned 18, a psychiatrist explained to us that setting boundaries were essential and we weren't doing anything our kid was describing- we were simply giving two options.
Option 1. Follow the rules of the house- clean up after yourself, be respectful to others, help around the house.
Option 2. Get out and make your own rules.
You're not subjecting your child to anything other than two options- play nice or go figure it out on your own. Providing a month to decide is very generous as well because you're just allowing your kid to torture and manipulate you for another 30 days. What's the point? There's two options and your daughter is making a conscious choice. Let her live with that choice.
In our case, my daughter had nowhere to go the 2nd time we kicked her out because she had already burned every possible bridge with family and friends. She would be truly homeless without a car and it was devastating for us to follow through, and she landed in a halfway house about 30 minutes away. It was horrible there with frequent drug use and all the wrong types of influences, but we had to let her make her own path in this world since she chose option #2.
After maybe 2 weeks, she asked to come home. We stated that there's 3 house rules everyone has to follow to live here. She hung up and didn't call back for about a week, and took that opportunity to tell us how horrible we were. That's fine- we can offer two choices. Choice #1 comes with 3 rules. You're doing choice #2 because that's your decision. Let us know if you change your mind.
Eventually she came home and was somewhat more helpful for about a year. We were polite and thankful. But once that stopped and she reverted back to entitlement, we provide two very clear choices once again.
I wrote all that out, all that repetition, so you could see our mindset and how plainly obvious we made it that it was ALWAYS our daughter's choice to make. You have to make this crystal clear that this is her choice- not yours. Dumb down the rules so they're easy to share- clean up, no drugs/alcohol, no random guests, be respectful, etc. Then let your kid choose.
Good luck!
