8 years of relationship. He might be pwBPD.

[Cat_Coco]

Hi it's my first time posting here. I have been in an abusive relationship for about 8 years. His behaviours have always been very confusing. At the start of our relationship we were a happy couple. Overtime as we slowly got to know each other, things started to get ugly. Occasionally he would make some negative and subtle comments on my physical appearance. He also made up  stories about ex-girlfriends to upset me (he did not have any in fact, I was his first one). I had never received any sincere apologies from him for what he said. He had a lot of unexpected mood swings that confused me. E.g. One day he got really upset and angry when I said I had to stop chatting with him over phone coz I had to have my dinner. There were lots of manipulative behaviours from him... I lost in touch with my friends because he said he was insecure about me having  male friends.  Nevertheless I stayed in the relationship as I felt really happy with him  when he was in good mood and wasn't being manipulative, and I got deeply attached to him over the years.

The payment to stay  was huge. My self-esteem was really damaged  as a schoolgirl. I slowly developed Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) after his negative comment on my appearance (I did not know I got it at the time). BDD made me feel obsessed with my physical appearance because I was convinced that certain features in my face was flawed and I looked like a monster. I had lots of compulsive behaviours, such as  looking at myself in the mirrors for hours and hours. I avoided socialising with others as I was terrified of how people would say about my appearance.  Also the popularity of social media among young people in recent years did not help.  The condition got so devastating that I had to give up on pursuing my phD degree. I was completely broken. I did not know I had BDD until I read about it online and started seeking professional help.

In recent years  I was finally diagnosed with BDD and I had been in  remote CBT therapy for quite some time. My BDD symptoms has got much better. However, my relationship with him has always been unstable. His constant mood swings, emotional outburst and manipulative behaviours...For years I had been thinking he might have depression/anxiety disorder, but now I think he's likely to have a more serious problem----BPD, after having read about  BPD online. My therapist also thinks his behaviours  look like those from pwBPD (he joined my therapy sessions for a couple of times), but suggested that he needed to get a formal diagnosis. However he is reluctant to seeking professional help and get a diagnoisis, even though he is clearly suffering from severe depression as a result of emotional instability. I think he has started to realise there's some deep issues with his personality and the way he interacts with others. This realisation has made him so depressed  that he locked himself up in his room all the day. He said he couldn't be with me anymore because he didn't want us to continue getting hurt from the relationship. In fact he said he didn't want to have any relationships with anyone because he would hurt anyone who get close to him.

This is all so confusing, frustrating and heart-breaking...I'm in a limbo. What should I do?

[livednlearned]

It takes a lot of courage to get support and you did that, and followed through. That's great 

When you say you're in limbo, do you mean you're conflicted about whether to stay in the relationship?

It must be hard to focus on healing BDD if he continues to say negative things about you. Does he support your CBT?

My BPDx used to say horrible things about how I looked and undermined my confidence until I was mostly numb. Yet he would also say positive things to others about how I looked.

I think when he was being mean it was more like, "I feel terrible. I'm saying a terrible thing about you so we both feel terrible. Then you won't leave me."

[Cat_Coco]

It takes a lot of courage to get support and you did that, and followed through. That's great 

When you say you're in limbo, do you mean you're conflicted about whether to stay in the relationship?

It must be hard to focus on healing BDD if he continues to say negative things about you. Does he support your CBT?

My BPDx used to say horrible things about how I looked and undermined my confidence until I was mostly numb. Yet he would also say positive things to others about how I looked.

I think when he was being mean it was more like, "I feel terrible. I'm saying a terrible thing about you so we both feel terrible. Then you won't leave me."

Thank you livednlearned. Yes it has been a long journey. But hey, I'm here. I hope things will change for the better.

I have had  very complex feelings since I first realised he might be pwBPD (just a few weeks ago). He did not understand my BDD symptoms in the first few years of our relationship. He said I was vain. Unfortunately people who have BDD are often misunderstood by others.  But as he gets more knowledgeable about BDD by reading books and online resources  I showed him, he is no longer that judgemental towards my problem. In fact, he's been a firm support during my treatment-- I did a lot of exposure work together with him. He has shown tremendous empathy and support towards my condition which I will always be grateful for. His  feelings of guilt for what he did to me often make him fall into severe depression and  display intense aggressiveness towards me,   which was confusing to me at first.  When he gets depressed he will get very manipulative. I did not know someone can be so emotionally unstable and manipulative without realising it himself,  until I read some articles about BPD online. I can't think of which other conditions can account for his confusing behaviours.

Yeah he's very supportive of my therapy, but that makes me feel even more confused and conflicted. My therapist has told me it would be very hard for me to cope if he did get BPD. It would definitely add burden to my conditions (I have complex trauma from my childhood too). Even if he does get a diagnosis, he can't afford  the expensive treatment to recover from the condition. We are now getting along like friends because we both know it's the best way for us right now. Things are very uncertain as he is not willing to get a diagnosis---I don't even know what exactly I'm dealing with. I know I can't stay in the relationship  if things aren't improving. I'm just not sure whether I should be with him again if  he starts to accept his condition and  seek professional help. It seems too much for someone like me to deal with...Yet every time when I think about giving him up because I'm not strong enough,  I feel heart-breaking and intense guilt myself.

I took his words personally as I was not confident in myself back then. I was in a toxic friend circle which did not give me any emotional support. You are probably right...he was mean because he was insecure. It took me years to understand that...