How do you find professional help?

[Sara Waters]

My husband has severe BPD. He has never been officially diagnosed but he checks every box for BPD. We have been together for 23 years and I just thought he was emotional and angry. Recently he told me about BPD and admitted that he has it which is a huge step. I finally got him to agree to see a counselor virtually but the counselor was 6 minutes late which was all it took to spiral him into negativity and anger. I found that counselor online through Psychology today website. I need to keep trying but I need to find someone amazing. This might be my last chance. I live in Austin Texas. Does anyone know how to find an amazing DBT Counselor? I may only have 1 more shot at this and he's a lot of pain.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Chercher]

Hi Sara - I can relate to your struggle in trying to find a good therapist for your husband. I am sorry your husband’s first experience did not go smoothly.

My husband has not been formally diagnosed, but has many BPD traits. We’ve been married for almost 29 years and in general, he has not been very open to seeing a therapist. Unfortunately, the last 15 years of our marriage have been up and down, so I knew that even if he wasn’t open to seeing a therapist, I needed to find someone for myself, someone fully versed in DBT and Borderline in order to help me learn as much as I could about both BPD and DBT. For a good part of our marriage, I was focused on trying to get him to change his behaviors, and have since learned that I only have control over how I choose to respond to my husband’s behaviors, and that realization has been quite empowering.

I did end up finding an excellent therapist in CA via Psychology Today, and it has been extremely helpful.  You may have already done this, but I would recommend using the filters by adding Dialectical Behavior Therapy under therapy type, and Borderline Personality under condition, and by thoroughly reading all of the therapists’ profiles, and then calling the ones who seem the most qualified and experienced. It was important to me that they really focus on DBT. Most of the therapists in that directory offer free 15 minute consultations. Wondering if your husband would prefer seeing a therapist in person because you can also filter for that too.

Also, I just ran a quick Google search for “DBT Austin TX”, and it looks there are several offices that focus on DBT, so you might scope out their websites and give them a call to see if you think they might be a good fit. Best of luck, and let us know how things go.

[Sara Waters]

I am so appreciative of the response. I realize now that no matter who I find my BPD husband will find something wrong them. He says "why would I pay someone when I know more than they do?" Btw- he has no experience in mental health. He truly thinks he is smarter than everyone about everything which is why he's so frustrated all the time. After more research I have decided to find a therapist for me. I had a bit of a complete shutdown yesterday. I need help. I will still make sure they are well trained in DBT but no longer agonize about making sure they are perfect for my husband. There is no such thing. I can only control me.

[Chercher]

Hi Sara - Nice to hear back from you. I am really happy to hear that you have found yourself a therapist to provide you support during a difficult time, even if he/she  might not check every single box for your husband.

For the longest time, I resisted the idea of getting a therapist; it felt unfair on some level. Like, “why should I get help for something when clearly it is my husband who can’t seem to control what comes out of his mouth, or how escalated he gets over small matters.” But, after so many years of thinking that I could somehow reason with him or convince him of his hurtful ways and behaviors when he would get upset, or convince him to get help, I am now realizing that I can only change how I choose to respond. That is why I finally decided to look for support here and via a DBT therapist. I think it is really positive that you chose to seek help.

I am pretty new at therapy but in case you find any of this helpful, here are some of the biggest takeaways from my therapy so far:  1). I have had to stop trying to reason with with my undiagnosed BPD husband when he is emotionally dysregulated. Reasoning simply doesn’t work.

2). Boundary setting doesn’t have to be announced, it can also be acted on. So for example, when my husband is yelling and angry and verbally insulting me, simply leave the room. If he continues following me around, leave the house. Sometimes, I will say, “Stop yelling. If you want me to listen, you need to stop yelling.”  This almost never works. He continues yelling and escalating even more. So then I will say, since you are continuing to yell, I am going to leave the room, and I leave. This does seem to help de-escalate things. But still seems to take a very long time for my husband to de-escalate, so it requires a ton of patience and distraction and a conscious choice to do things I love doing for myself.

3). When my husband is highly dysregulated, in order to lower the emotional temperature, I am trying to respond with shorter replies like. “OK” or “Uh-huh” or “Alright”. This works well via text especially.

Hope your therapist works out for you, and let us know how you are doing. You mentioned that yesterday you had a complete shutdown and that you need help, which is what prompted to seek help from a therapist. Loving someone with BPD takes a lot out of us and can be really stressful, painful, and exhausting. Asking for help and posting here takes courage. Be sure to practice self-care, doing things you enjoy for yourself.  As needed, this board can also be helpful to simply vent or express frustrations.  Many of us here will likely be able to relate and provide insight, ideas and support.

Take care - and let us know how you are doing.