Her response to me saying I would fight for custody…

[thankful person]

I didn’t mean to say anything but she pushed me over the edge. This is her latest text message:
“ I am birth mum and I feel if the relationship was to end that I should be with them just like I have from the moment I created them. You don’t have the same bond you go out to work everyday for hours on end… I have never ever left them. Imagine what that would do to me if you actually let the court decide and let’s say you get them. What would that do to me not having ever being away from them!… you only think of yourself and you should think about everything involved and how it would impact who the most and it’s about the Children. If you had them they would need to be in nursery 5 days a week so you could work.

I think if we couldn’t sort things out on our own because you really think that little of me then you are crueler than I thought”
I asked how oftenwouldi see them and she said,
“ Every other weekend and some half half terms and summer. Not until their a little bit older though
I would never stop you from coming to the house to see them and see me. I don’t want a nasty break up. I think it’s amazing when people are able to remain friends and get on ok“

[LifewithEase]

It is upsetting that she uses your work/earning/obligation against you.

There looks like some parental gatekeeping.

How you should respond? This is tough. Maybe some validation and [dig deep for some more empathy] to calm this situation. Then I'd say, I'm a fantastic parent. We're both parents and I'm sure whatever path we take we'll both do our best. We will have to for the kids.

You need to lift yourself up. Ignore her degrading you or baiting you into a false debate.

[Notwendy]

Thankful Person-
Discussions about separating, divorce, custody- these won't be solved by talking about them. If the two of you could solve your own disagreements by talking, you'd have been able to by now. BPD involves disordered emotions, and calm, and a discussion like this is likely to result in her escalating, sending upsetting texts, saying things.

She "pushed you over the edge". - but you fell into it. That is the only part of any of this that you have control over- what you do and say. This isn't to blame you, I think we've all had the experienced of being pushed and stressed. One task is to pay attention to our own feelings and if we are feeling pushed, that's when we stop, take a few moments, calm down if possible.

You mentioned on another post that although we don't tell people to stay or leave in their relationships- that you get the impression we (on this board) think there's not much hope for your staying together. What anyone else thinks about whether the relationship is going to work- that isn't the focus for a reason- the decision to stay or leave is a process for you, and that's an important process that is individual. Either decision- to stay or leave, has difficulties. People need to know that they have made the best decision they can for themselves.

When a poster posts about an incident in the relationship- we may be able to see a pattern of behavior- and comment on that. Now, it's still just an opinion. People can agree and decide it's useful feedback or not.

I think in general, when a poster starts on the bettering board, they want to do what they can to improve their part of the dynamics. If issues persist, they can reassess. If the decision is to end the relationship- I think most people want to know they have tried what they could first. One thing that is constant is that we can't change the other person. BPD is also a spectrum disorder. How destructive the behaviors are can vary. Not all marriages include infidelity, abuse, addictions, financial issues- but some do include these things. This is where we consider our own boundaries. If we want to be in a relationship that is exclusive- we can't stay with someone who doesn't share this same boundary. If we don't want to be in an abusive relationship- we can't stay with someone who is abusive to us.

What are your boundaries? Here is where I think things get fuzzy for you. One is your own body. If your wife is insisting you smoke cigarettes, that is a violation of your own body. It's also not a caring situation. If we love someone, we want them to be healthy- and to not do things that are bad for them. Your wife is not thinking about your best interest here- you have to be the one to do that.

Money, you are working a lot to provide for your family and she's spending recklessly. Again, she's not thinking about your best interest. She's not considering spending less so you can work less and be with the family. If you care about your financial security, you will need to stand up for that.

Same with time with the kids. She's not thinking about the kids- who need to have a relationship with both parents. She's not thinking about your wish to have a relationship with the kids. You have to be concerned about that. Trying to talk about it with her won't work. She wants what she wants. If you have thoughts about ending the relationship and you want to protect your time with your family and your money- you need to consult a divorce lawyer.

Understandably, you may feel that's a step too far for you right now, but consulting a lawyer doesn't mean you are pursuing a divorce. It's getting the facts about custody laws and knowing your rights should it come to that. This way, you will know what options you have for custody with your children and have a plan in mind should the relationship come to that, and it takes discussions with your wife off the table.

This isn't to paint your wife black- she wants what she wants and she is who she is. Few people are all bad. Surely you care about her and there are aspects of your relationship that you value. The question is about your own self worth. We all know that relationships are give and take- but we have our bottom lines too- our deal breakers that we consider. You have taken a stand for some of them- like having your mother visit, or choosing what to wear.

[ForeverDad]

I would never stop you from coming to the house to see them and see me. I don’t want a nasty break up. I think it’s amazing when people are able to remain friends and get on ok“

Typically, if BPD traits are involved, an ended relationship means the adult relationship is ended. Of course, parenting continues, generally complying with court orders.

Your parenting time, whatever it ends up as, means they would be with you.  This "come over when you want to see the kids" doesn't work, probably she would make it feel like supervised visitation, as though she were gifting you something now and then.