Does Anyone Else Feel Like a Failure?

[Badmom]

Hi Everyone -

My trans daughter is 20 years old, moved UK a year ago, and hasn’t spoken to me since December, when she called me every foul thing she could think of during a conversation where I set a boundary with her that I was not going to continue talking to her if she yelled at me and called me names.

When she was a child, she was diagnosed and treated for Asperger’s, ADHD, and has since been treated for anxiety and depression. She has overdosed once, been in several psychiatric hospitals, is prone to self sabotage, and dangerous, impulsive actions - like picking up strange men and sleeping with them, in middle school dressing like a school shooter, miming drawing out a weapon and telling other kids that they’ll be the first to go, stalking strangers around our small town as a “joke”. The police have been to our house multiple times - either because a friend has rung because she claims she’s thinking of killing herself or because she’s raged at us for setting a boundary and become out of control/suicidal and we’ve had to ring them.

She’s also the person I love most in the world. No, not this version, but the kid she used to be, before the illness really took over. For a while, when she was about 13 or so, she seemed to be doing so well.

I feel ashamed and hopeless and unbearably sad - like a really bad mom. She lives in the UK, funded by my ex-husband who, unfortunately, also has this illness and who really despises me. At first I tried to contact her, to let her know I loved her. Then I decided to give her space, to educate myself about BPD, go to therapy, attend the Family Connections classes - anything I could do to learn to accept and move forward.

I know I should “get a life”. I know. And some days I’m incredibly relieved not to have all the daily chaos, abuse, and fear - not to mention the debt. But keeping my kid alive or "on track" or "from harm" has been my “job” for many years - it’s like being the only fireman in a house that’s been on fire non-stop for a decade. And now I’ve been fired - so to speak. Not only that, my kid won’t even speak to me and is convinced that I’m to blame for everything that’s ever happened to her or ever gone wrong in her life.

And sometimes, I wonder if that’s true.   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Leaf56]

I don't know you, obviously, but since no one else has responded, I thought I'd reply to say that, like every other parent here, I guarantee that you're not a bad mom and that you didn't cause this. And yes, everyone here feels like or has felt like a failure at some point in this journey.

[EllaRose68]

Hello Soundslikeagoodmomtome,
The answer to your question is yes , often , until I remind myself that I have done my best, with love , in every challenging situation I have found myself in with my daughter who is 28 and who is suffering so much with this illness .
I have found reading posts in this forum really helpful in reminding me that I’m not the only one trying so hard to reach an adult child who is blaming me for everything , looking to me to solve everything wrong in the world , whilst being berated and threatened on and off . My advice would be to use the time without contact from your loved one to rest and gain some strength for when they are in contact again . You deserve to be able to breathe out . The fact that you are reaching out , trying to understand , reading on here shows you are not a badmom . Your love and care shine between your words .

[Sancho]

Hi Badmom
Yesterday I wrote a long response to you but I must have not pushed 'post'! I had been thinking of your situation for a while and am disappointed that I mucked it up!

I think it was something like this:

From the brief outline you have given us you have clearly been dealing with extraordinary issues and situations involving your loved dd for a long period of time. I have dealt with some of these myself over the years, but I don't know how I would have coped with some of the things you mention.

I think you sum things up - not just for yourself but for everyone who comes here when you say:

But keeping my kid alive or "on track" or "from harm" has been my “job” for many years

On top of all this is the fact that the response we get is abuse, accusation, threats - you name it! And then on top of THAT is being cut off.

You are entitled to feel sad, abused, exhausted - I could go on - but please don't feel that you are a 'bad mom'. We all feel this way because we feel responsible for our loved children and we try to move heaven and earth to help them live happy lives.

As well as the sense of responsibility, we are grieving. Even if our child is still in contact, we can't communicate or relate to them in a usual way. When they cut off contact that grief can be enormous.

Part of a grieving process can be 'what if' or 'I should have' etc. We take on responsibility as a good parent, deal with one crisis after another, support emotionally, physically, financially in the hope that somehow, someday a change will happen. We are blamed for - well everything.

I suppose what I am trying to say is that, rather than keeping locked into the 'blame'  narrative, can you focus on the grieving process. You love your dd, you have given everything possible, you are entitled to grieve.

The grieving process is different for everyone - but we all feel the same pain.

I must remember to click on 'post'!

[Rev]

I love that ... Soundslikeagoodmomtome.

My daughter is bi-polar. I have all the medical evidence before me that her ghosting me for close to two years is not my fault. I blame myself every other week.   I wish it was different. I wish I was perfect so that I knew beyond ANY shadow of a doubt is isn't my fault.  Until I remember that it after she did heavy drugs for a year - most of what I heard from my friends was along the lines - "She really doesn't treat you very well."

I miss her at 15.  I don't miss her at 22 which was five years ago. It pains me that she is not in my life. And there is no way I would entertain having her without being being in treatment.

Hang in there.

This is probably the toughest thing for a parent to go through - at least for me. 

You are most definitely NOT a bad mom.

Rev

[Badmom]

Thank you - all of you’ve who’ve taken the time to read my post and to so thoughtfully respond.

I know it’s self-indulgent to air these feelings but, the truth is, there are so few of us who really understand and when I’m out and about, doing my job, surrounded by people who’s children are going to college or holding down jobs or showing up for family events, I feel so isolated and ashamed that I never even mention my child at all if I can help it. And while on the outside, I look like I’m getting on with my business, internally, I'm questioning everything, in my own head, over and over and over. The past plays constantly, on a loop.

The question that haunts me is: what should I have done differently?

So, I’m saying it here, to you, because no one else gets it. Not even my husband - and that’s really lonely. Also, I guess I’m hoping that if I can admit to you that I’m that I’m stuck; that I’m trying really hard but I’m still stuck and it still hurts every single day, well... I guess I'm hoping that if I can be honest with you guys, that maybe something will shift.

So, truly, I’m beholden to all of you.   

[Leaf56]

Awww, sweetie, we all feel that way. It hurts for all of us every single day. How could it not? I’d love to say it gets easier to live with, and who knows, maybe it does and I’m not there yet. Lord knows there are many folks here who’ve been dealing with it longer than me.

[WorkingOnItToo]

Yup, I ruminate constantly on what I could have/should have done differently, it’s so bloody hard to get on with life and feel any joy, even when things are going objectively well (& I have 2 other non-BPD kids whom I have a wonderful relationship with).
But any parent can look back and see in hindsight things they could have done better e.g listened more, yelled less, been more validating or sensitive etc. It’s just that other kids, without the genetic predisposition for BPD (or other disorders) don’t end up with this extreme consequence/disorder.
But doesn’t make it any easier as a parent when we feel like our hearts are ripped out over and over.

[Rev]

Yup, I ruminate constantly on what I could have/should have done differently, it’s so bloody hard to get on with life and feel any joy, even when things are going objectively well (& I have 2 other non-BPD kids whom I have a wonderful relationship with).
But any parent can look back and see in hindsight things they could have done better e.g listened more, yelled less, been more validating or sensitive etc. It’s just that other kids, without the genetic predisposition for BPD (or other disorders) don’t end up with this extreme consequence/disorder.
But doesn’t make it any easier as a parent when we feel like our hearts are ripped out over and over.

So very very tough - right?

I try to remind myself, that at the time I didn't have the hindsight and probably just did the best thing out of a whole bunch a difficult options.  And then, of course, if I had chosen a different path at that time, today I would be dealing with the same conflict, but with a different set of challenges.

That's the nature of BPD - just seems sometimes you get it "wrong" more than "right"  because the right thing to do just changes from day to day. 

Hang in there.

Rev

[Leaf56]

I think that it's soo important to remember that (more than likely, caveats here for abusers etc.) you did do most everything right, and you should never beat yourself up about not being perfect. No parent is perfect. No child needs a perfect parent. No BPD child needs a perfect parent. There's no such thing. Was there anything you could have done differently that would have prevented this? NO! That is a fallacy. If you could go back and be whatever "perfect" is in their eyes now, they would have just grown up to complain about THAT. You have to understand this. It's imperative. It's not YOU. It's them. Not until you understand that fully and embrace it can you make any progress. And I don't mean make progress with them, I mean make progress with you, to get your mind out of this mess. There was not then and there is not now anything you can do for them. Believing that there is will only prolong everything that is bad and will probably make it worse. Will the situation with your child get better once you stop blaming yourself? Probably not. But you WILL NOT make it worse if you stop taking the blame. If anything, the part of it that has you playing defense 100% of the time WILL get better because you will no longer be blaming yourself for their problem. The right thing to do does not change from day to day. It's the same every single day. You just have to learn how to do it.

[Nb324]

Hi,
Thank you for sharing. My daughter is 15 and her changes started about a year ago. You are not alone. I feel like a failure at this point, I keep revisiting the past 15 years, of the things she accuses me. Is it valid? Is it my fault, couldn’t I have done a better job. And more than that, what future does this sweet kid is going to have, will be continue the endless suffering. I wish it had never happened every time the episode starts. I am so nervous every day, afraid of text and phone calls, hoping that today will be ok.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wannabeamomma]

My guess is that you are the last man standing. By that I mean she has burned every other relationship and now you are the only one she can blame for her current circumstances. That’s because a person with bpd cannot face the fact that their problems can be fixed only when they accept they have a mental illness. Can you imagine how hard that must be for someone? So unless and until she can do that, nothing will change and your heart will continue to break in a million pieces.

[Rev]

My guess is that you are the last man standing. By that I mean she has burned every other relationship and now you are the only one she can blame for her current circumstances. That’s because a person with bpd cannot face the fact that their problems can be fixed only when they accept they have a mental illness. Can you imagine how hard that must be for someone? So unless and until she can do that, nothing will change and your heart will continue to break in a million pieces.

You know - thank you for that.  It explains my personal situation so much!  I think that you are bang, bang on. My D is tired of being where she is at and tired of being "placated".  My job is to A) be present and B) Not accept abusive behavior because my D needs to be seen without being judged and also needs an example of what acceptable behavior is.   

Have a great day.

Rev

[InTheWilderness]

I hear you, Badmom. We brought them into this world and feel we are ultimately responsible for their happiness (at least I feel that way too often). And if that's true, then we are to blame when our child wBPD experiences so much pain. But we know it can't be entirely true. Nurture AND nature are at play.

Being a parent of a pwBPD requires a lot of self-talk, which is hard, on top of everything else, such as running into parents of your child's classmates and faking your way through the questions. Like you, this has kept me from attending gatherings where I know I'll have to face normal stuff like, "How is your son? What is he up to?" I wonder how many of us have stretched the truth? Honestly, I will lie to protect both him and me. The whole experience of loving a child wBPD is so heartbreaking and these people, with their ordinary questions, so easily expose the wound.

Badmom, does no communication feel like you're being punished? I have found it extremely difficult when my son goes no communication. It dredges up all kinds of toxic, self-sabatoging thoughts. It's good you're reaching out. You're not alone, if that helps at all.

I was/am also the person putting out those fires. My son could depend on me to fix problems. But now I wonder if he regresses when he's with me, at least, that's what I've noticed. And if that's the case, does he feel more secure in his own abilities to adult when I'm not involved? Could this be a big reason he pushes me away?

I feel that those of us who are struggling through no communication need our own support group. It really messes with your head!

Badmom, you're educating yourself, you're questioning your role as a parent AND you're trying to heal- these are things a good mom does. 



 

[Badmom]

Again, thank you for all the useful feedback.

And yes, no communication does often feel like a punishment and then, sometimes, like a reprieve. And yes, I agree with your estimation that my daughter is probably more independent and has more self-esteem when I’m not there to fix, make suggestions, and process her feelings with/or for her. The big news is apparently she’s still alive, been feeding, clothing, and getting on with life without my involvement for almost a year. That’s got to be progress!

I guess the big thing I have to look at in myself is my enmeshment with my daughter and the payoff I get from losing myself or distracting myself in her issues. After all, now I am given the opportunity to define my life without her and I keep circling back to her, obsessing in my free time, reflecting with a sense of unbearable loss…but what have I really lost? The reality is that we were both stuck, reacting to one another in a constant trauma loop that was killing the relationship and demoralizing for both of us. It reminds me of the Dorothy Parker quote, “they sicken of the calm, that knew the storm.”

There’s a lot of adrenaline in the chaos. And adrenaline is a powerful, highly addictive drug. Also, I felt like I was important, like I had purpose and meaning. My God, wasn’t I saving her life almost every day?!

I think I miss that very clear, defined sense of self - the important Mother, the self-sacrificing Mother, the virtuous Mother willing to give up everything for her child’s safety and well being. That’s not attractive to admit, but it’s got the ring of truth. When she left, I lost my place in the world - at least, my own little conception of the world - and, if I’m honest, I’m angry about that. Now I have a lot of work to do to find out who I am, and what I want, now that I can’t distract myself with my daughter’s illness.   


So, here’s my manifesto: my goal with this time apart from her is to change. To stop reacting to an illness she can’t control or isn’t ready to address. To discover what my boundaries are. I want to stop searching for validation and reassurance from her that I was a good Mom. Or looking for proof that she loves me or needs me. I want to grow up too - to leave behind the scared, chipmunk version of myself, the one that takes responsibility for everything and feels the need to fix everything and then becomes overwhelmed, dejected, and resentful. I want to dare to be an average, bumbling human being rather than “A Good Mom”. I want to learn to say, “My child is estranged from me,” without shame. Because that’s just the way it is today and I don’t care what anyone else thinks of me, not even her.
 
I love my child. Now I want to love my life - regardless if she’s in contact or not. Besides, I can still love her - across miles, without words, by respecting her desire for autonomy and by accepting, just for today, that she needs to reject me in order to discover who she is. 

And maybe, despite the discomfort, I need to be rejected in order to discover who I am. 

[Rev]

I love my child. Now I want to love my life - regardless if she’s in contact or not. Besides, I can still love her - across miles, without words, by respecting her desire for autonomy and by accepting, just for today, that she needs to reject me in order to discover who she is. 

And maybe, despite the discomfort, I need to be rejected in order to discover who I am. 

Can I offer a tiny reframe? Maybe she needed to reject you, and I hear that you are discovering who you are. I wonder if in wake of rejection, you might not discover who you need to become and that this time, the parameters of that will change.

Of course, that also may be just me seeing this from my own perspective.

I want to thank you, though, for this post. The rejection of my daughter, without any explanation, has been periodically painful, more distant at other times, but present almost daily. Your honesty in this post has brought me a measure of healing that as I write this, I am not that I was fully aware that I needed.

Peace,

Rev

[Pook075]

I'll just add that we all could have been better parents and there's always something we would have done differently.  But the real question is, would it have changed anything?  Maybe, maybe not.

For my BPD/bipolar daughter, she was a terror in her teens and I had all but written her out of my life by 21 or 22.  But at 25, we're pretty close and she loves her daddy.

I'm not saying this to brag or anything, but simply to remind everyone that what is true today won't necessarily be true a year from now or 5 years from now.  People do change.  Don't give up hope.