Rough Day, First Post

[Jaydreaming82]

Hello,

Well i've been a member and intended to post a couple of weeks ago, but my circumstances have changed dramatically.  Last week I was still searching ways to justify staying in the relationship, but that all changed this morning when I woke up to two officers knocking on my door to serve me papers for a protection order.  She made a lot flat out false accusations and many exaggerated or half truths to make me look bad.  Her stress of the situation seems to have caused an extreme sense of paranoia. 

Some context, I believe my wife has BPD, if not that then another comorbidity with her ADHD.  I have been trying to make sense of her behavior for years, always taking the blame that is was my fault because she is such a persuasive arguer.  I really went searching for answers after she had at least two affairs, i'm certainly not proud that I didn't set boundaries and tolerated (actually avoided due to my passive demeanor) this behavior. Even though I had proof, I was afraid of how she would react to it.  When I presented her the proof the first time, with a therapist so we could be in a safe place, she actually tried to tell me she was playing a game of "what if".  She finally came clean a few days later, texted me that she was sorry for the first time I can remember in our 12 year marriage.  While apologizing for the physical affair, she made light of situation saying I knew we had a troubled relationship, that it happens all the time, and that her parents went through the same situation.  Then she basically insinuated that it was my fault for her straying, and that I was just as bad or worse because I found out through iMessage on our computer( which I didnt hack into, she set it up but obviously didnt know all her messages were going to the computer as well).  I had many reasons to justify looking at these messages as she is a compulsive liar, so I felt the need to find the truth.

She presented many behaviors that align with PWBPD, I'm not sure where to begin but the biggest that I see are a failure to take any responsibility for her actions, blaming and projecting everything on me, irrational and inappropriate bouts of rage, anger and irritability.  She is also a reckless driver, impulsive spender/ shopper and has strong reaction to rejection and criticism.  I have a lot of sympathy for her, as the biological father of her 18 year old son abused her physically and emotionally about 15 years ago (i've been "dad" to my son since we got married 12 years ago).  The biological dad recently came back into our lives after a 10 year absence to watch his high school sporting events, which I believe may have triggered some PTSD.  The trauma and her other symptoms first lead me to Melissa Orlovs "Effects of ADHD on Marriage", which really gave me insights into other comorbidities.  The only thing I didnt understand at first, she is very empathetic to strangers and others who are suffering, but she views me as all bad and cannot let go of the fact I was reading her messages on the computer even though I had plenty of good reasons to go looking as I suspected something was off.  She has had a lot of difficulty with interpersonal relationships, knock down/ drag out fights with her mom and sisters as well as her "best" friend.  She is very sharp, witty and a quick thinker.  She has seized on my weakness of self esteem, passivity, and avoidant personality.  I feel like as a stay at home dad, she has really manipulated me and isolated me from my own family and friends.  

What really got me past just the ADHD was that I felt she was a totally different person during the period of her affair.  She was taking major risks, unprotected sex, smoking weed with friends she invited to her corporate meeting ( 3 former coworkers who lived in the town but were not current coworkers) in the parking garage of hotel and then proceeding to got back into her Pharma conference.  She ended up getting fired from this pharma job, which was the second job pharma job she had been fired for in 3 years.  The former, she was fired for working two pharma jobs at once, they finally caught her after about 8 weeks.  The latter she was fired for performance, but this was her period of mania.  Sadly, as soon as she got back from short term leave for MDD, they fired her for cause.  

I believe she really started exhibiting extreme symptoms after being prescribed adderall.  When Adderall made her too angry, she finally was prescribed vyvanse.  However the vyvanse made her very anxious, and still had the same anger issues, but she was able to persuade her Nurse Practicioner friend to prescribe xanax.  I dont know if its considered substance abuse, but she suffers from migraines and she takes 4-5 different migraine meds plus botox, vyvanse for adhd and xanax to control anxiety, vilazadone (muscle relaxer).  She takes so many prescriptions that she was denied life insurance from her new company.  Being a pharma sales rep, she is friends with so many providers and she knows how to say the right things to be prescribed essentially anything she needs to self medicate.  

I am not the only one who has noticed her erratic and irrational behavior.  Her parents, siblings, and friends have all expressed concern to me about her mental state and noticed her glazed eyes and dilated pupils.  Her mom had me ask our mutual therapist, whom I'm not sure is qualified to deal with these types of mental disorders, if we could have an "intervention".  The therapist stated he thought it would just push my wife away more, feel attacked and push back harder.  She has told her mother she is afraid of a diagnosis ( her own mother suspected bipolar) due to having a label that would be detrimental to her professional career.  

So here we are today, I stood by her for over a year, trying to excuse her behavior because I believed it wasn't her fault and her actions were a result of a mental disorder.  Now I feel as though I'm forced to file for a divorce so I can see my kids.  On top of all the stressors my wife has, we have child with a rare genetic disorder who is autistic, developmentally delayed, and epileptic.  It has been a lot to bear, for our entire immediate family and our extended family.  We just can't force her to get help, but we are all at a loss as to how to help.  

I appreciate anyone who has read this very long first post, I realize my thoughts are all over the place but I'm at my wits end and ready to be free of the trauma and drama.  She is trying to say that as a stay at home dad of child with special needs, that I have been taking advantage of her all these years while she was working.  Im just trying to seek advice and support on what to do, justify that its ok to seperate for my own mental health and ultimately in the best interests of our children. 

Thanks

[SinisterComplex]

Hey my friend relax. You are doing okay for your first post alright. We are happy to have you here. Welcome. 

Never apologize for long posts. You need to get this all out. Do not hold any of this crap in or it will become toxic to your own mental well-being.

You picked a great place to join. Most of us here get it and we will have your back and support you along the way.

That is all the time I have for the time being, but wanted to welcome you and let you know I will be checking in on you and paying attention.

Please continue to engage. Ask as many questions as you need or want to and share as much as you feel comfortable with.

Please be kind to YOU and take care of yourself in the meantime.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[Jaydreaming82]

Thank, I'm trying not to stress too much but it is a very scary time as I feel like she is already "fighting dirty" and I'm afraid what this painful process will bring out in her. 

I guess my question for the experts, and maybe I should ask in a different group, but is it possible to have BPD without the abandonment issues?  I'm not certain that she doesnt, but I dont feel like she is afraid of me abandoning her.  However, I think her head she will always have our special needs child around.

I guess in all this, even though we arent working out, I would just like her to get help but she has no self awareness or doesnt want to admit she has a problem.  I know she loves our kids dearly, I'm just afraid she will turn her rage on someone else, likely our middle child.

Is there anyone else who has had experience with worsening symptoms when on stimulants?  I know I cant force her to get help, I'm just looking for advice on protecting myself and my children.

Thanks

[livednlearned]

I'm so glad you posted. It's a lot to carry on your shoulders. Sometimes I think people married to disordered spouses get so good at carrying burdens we don't notice how low to the ground we are.

Have you spoken to an attorney about the protective order? That's probably an important first step to help prevent things from getting worse. Like you said, she seems to be fighting dirty and now is the time to get this taken care of so she can't roll it up into a custody issue.

My ex had a similar story to your wife. He quit smoking, then ended up diagnosed with ADHD, discovered stimulants which, combined with alcohol, made an already challenged marriage untenable. To deal with the stimulants, he took xanax and used ambien to help him sleep, among other drugs. He was on chantix which made him so belligerent and dark his coworkers attempted an intervention. I lost track of what he was taking but the stimulants made him menacing.

At a certain point, you have to see your partner as an adult making willful decisions, mental illness or not.

There are plenty of people with ADHD, bipolar, and even BPD who choose to get better. Plenty of addicts get better. It was a process to realize that my ex willfully chose his bad decisions over getting healthy. He wanted it that way. He chose those decisions over me and our son, and in retrospect it was a long sad delusion on my part to think that I or anyone else could convince him to just change this or that thing so he could be healthy. No. Not happening.

I wish in retrospect that every time I focused on my ex's addictions or behaviors or diagnoses or what ifs, that I had instead looked at my own issues. What did it say about me that I thought I could change someone so willfully and defiantly opposed to admitting mistakes or taking responsibility or even acknowledging reality?

This is one of the best forums you can find to help get through these kinds of break ups.

It's good you posted. Peer support goes a long way when you have these kinds of relationships.

[ForeverDad]

Years ago I would comment, "If it has been threatened or even contemplated, it will happen, given enough time."

That she has filed a protection order surely didn't come out of the blue sky, there were probably threats and contemplated actions.  Maybe you didn't believe it could happen but now it has.  Reality has struck.  Hard.

It is imperative that you seek legal advice now.  Don't delay.  Your lawyer cannot be her lawyer.  The level of conflict has risen to a higher level and is very unlikely to fall back to the old patterns.

If children are involved, you will have to deal with family court, police, children's services, professional evaluations, and more.  You need far more than a beginner lawyer whose experience is typically limited to file forms and hold hands.

About abandonment... it seems you've been permanently painted black (at least for now).  I was too, as if I were Mr Evil Personified.  Look at it this way too, she abandoned you before you could abandon her.  Does that make sense?  In her perceptions it does.

I recall my lawyer advising me, "My first task is to sit on my clients to they don't blab and make my legal defense even harder."  So never ever admit to anything bad.  Even explaining yourself might look bad, as in "No, but..."  In fact, always get permission from your lawyer on what you can say.  Mine told me any answers required are best as simple Yes or No, anything more can get you mired in explanations and worse.

Have you recorded any of her recent rants and rages?  Or witnesses willing to step forward?  If so, that might lend credibility to your defense that you're not the aggressor.

[Jaydreaming82]

Thanks for the replies. Unfortunately, my lawyer was a bit late on filing for divorce and my wife filed first, so I’m tryi to get them to amend the temporary orders so I can see my kids.

I’ve checked out the book “splitting” by Bill Eddy, is there any other resources I should seek.

I’m trying to see a therapist through church, since my wife has denied me medical care. How does one find a therapist who specializes in healing from the emotional abuse and trauma of a partner with BPD?

Thanks

[ForeverDad]

It sounds like your spouse filed a protection order against you and included the children too.  Sadly, that's a common approach many people with BPD (pwBPD) take.  They see you as having no Authority and they have it all.  The reality is that family court has The Real Authority.  The downside is courts often are reluctant to reverse themselves, they're inclined to make minimal adjustments rather than drastic fixes.

That protection or restraining order is likely based on her ex parte claims.  She is permitted to claim whatever she wants but you have a right to present your side.  So there likely is a hearing ordered in the next couple weeks so both sides can be represented.  It is crucial, in my peer support perspective, that you be there to both defend yourself and stand up for the children.

Beware that the hearing will be quite brief and cannot cover every detail of your marriage's issue.  Work with your lawyer to focus on the priorities — the children and your parenting of them.

In my case, the court immediately got Children's Services involved and the rep stood up in court and stated they had "No Concerns" about me.  However, all the court did was then grant me alternate weekends, but no custodial voice.  These days many courts are more inclined to issue equal time orders but beware that based on mother's extreme filing the court may be cautious about granting you typical orders.  If that is the case can your lawyer ask that the court review any "less bad" terms a few months from now?  Why?  Because our sorts of "temp" orders are anything but temporary. Around here temp orders are 1 to 2 years, sometimes longer.  Mine was 2 years and neither court nor the lawyers were inclined to fix its assumptions and lack of clarity.

The first thing domestic court did was to make a temp order.  It is standard for the court to set firm dates and times for exchanges.  Your task is to ensure they're as good (or as "less bad") as they can be.  I agree, my ex too imagined she could waltz into court and tell the court what she demanded.  Court doesn't work like that.

However, my court did have unwritten and unstated deference and preference for mothers in general.  Family court judges are allowed wide discretion, especially if neither parent had been there before and thus no history.  In my case, another court had just started a Threat of DV case against her, granting me protection from her, yet when she rushed to domestic court, it totally ignored the adult matter pending — as though adult behaviors had no connection to parenting behaviors? — and issued a temp order where she had temp custody and temp majority time.  I had no custody and only alternate weekends and a 3 hour evening in between.

So, no, under nearly all circumstances she can't demand that you have your parenting with her hovering nearby.  The only exception might be if she were able to convince a court you needed supervised visitation.  And, yes, that's what my then-spouse tried to do to me when she filed for, get this, protection for her and son from me.  For a week or two her ex parte petition (without me there to defend myself) did have me blocked.  But court quickly had a subsequent hearing where CPS stood up and stated they had "no concerns" about me.  So court promptly dropped our son from her protection filing...

Repeat, you do not have to agree to her terms.  Courts are used to assigning fathers their own parenting time.  Not conditional upon mother's presence nor mother's approval.  Sadly, you won't be able to convince her of that, not matter how much you try to reason with her.  So once you've stated your position, best not to venture there again — remember to avoid pointless JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) — let the lawyers and mediators handle it.

I can't imagine how your spouse has denied you access to counseling services, even if she is the spouse whose work carries the insurance.  Are you sure about that?  Just because she says so doesn't make it fact.

Even if that is the case, your county may have inexpensive or sliding scale counseling services available.  Be aware that professionals are often reluctant to "name" what mental health issues your spouse may or may not have.  Court and the professionals will not view you as an expert trained in mental health assessments despite your years of living with her.

Court doesn't care to fix either parent.  It treats them as they are and as adults.  You would do well to do the same, as much as possible try to deal with the facts and incident details, with the greater focus on the children just as court does.