Still Married. Wondering why I didn’t see the BPD signs earlier.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi,
I’m married to a hwBPD.  I’ve posted before, but now I’m trying to understand why it took so long for me to realize my husband had a serious problem.  It’s been 20 years, but I finally realized he may have BPD just months ago. 

I’ve never admitted this to anyone, but I think, in the beginning, he withheld intimacy as a way of control, as well as to make me plead, so that he could feel more wanted.  At the time, I thought he was just tired a lot or that we were not compatible in that area, even though it was never a problem when we dated for two years.  I put up with it, because it wasn’t always the case 100% of the time.  Is this something that a pwB PD would do?

Eventually, he exhibited  problems handling stress, and  he’d have outbursts over seemingly nothing. Then the outbursts would devolve to insults and name calling.  Then came the gaslighting - Everything is my fault.  I have mood swings.  I have anger issues.  Then came extreme anger over the tiniest things.  That’s where we are now.  It’s awful. I cope because we’re retired and rely on each other’s income for survival.  So I try to build a life outside of our home with friends and activities I love.

I just want to know if withholding intimacy is something pwBPD would do. Also, does anyone think this was the beginning of his BPD behaviors on our marriage?

Thanks.

[JazzSinger]

Hi,
I’m married to a hwBPD.  I’ve posted before, but now I’m trying to understand why it took so long for me to realize my husband had a serious problem.  It’s been 20 years, but I finally realized he may have BPD just months ago. 

I’ve never admitted this to anyone, but I think, in the beginning, he withheld intimacy as a way of control, as well as to make me plead, so that he could feel more wanted.  At the time, I thought he was just tired a lot or that we were not compatible in that area, even though it was never a problem when we dated for two years.  I put up with it, because it wasn’t always the case 100% of the time.  Is this something that a pwB PD would do?

Eventually, he exhibited  problems handling stress, and  he’d have outbursts over seemingly nothing. Then the outbursts would devolve to insults and name calling.  Then came the gaslighting - Everything is my fault.  I have mood swings.  I have anger issues.  Then came extreme anger over the tiniest things.  That’s where we are now.  It’s awful. I cope because we’re retired and rely on each other’s income for survival.  So I try to build a life outside of our home with friends and activities I love.

I just want to know if withholding intimacy is something pwBPD would do. Also, does anyone think this was the beginning of his BPD behaviors on our marriage?

Thanks.

[ForeverDad]

I just want to know if withholding intimacy is something pwBPD would do. Also, does anyone think this was the beginning of his BPD behaviors on our marriage?

A diagnosis is something many of us have never obtained.  So we proceed with discovery and insight by way of the observed perceptions and behavior.  I don't know she has BPD but so much fits typical Borderline patterns and progressions.

I never considered my ex as a person with a mental illness, I had thought I'd rescued her from her dysfunctional parents.  Yet... there were incidents along the way.  One was after our wedding and before we left on our honey moon when she claimed I had broken her back?  I was reaching for the phone to call a doctor when she called me back to her.  Who would do that?

For the next decade intimacy was frequent but she gradually developed more severe symptoms, starting as sobbing incidents at night every few months, then vile cursing every few months, then unable to get along with her friends.

Then the biggie... I thought if we had a child then she's be happier watching our child discover a wonderful life.  I was so clueless... having children does not fix or even calm serious mental illness, it just makes resolving the issues or ending the relationship vastly more complicated.

Back then I thought she was facing a conundrum, should she choose me or her child, not me and our child... and I lost.  After the birth of our child intimacy became rare, weeks apart, even months apart.  Worse, she would tease in the morning hinting at intimacy that night then sabotage the feeling during the day so either she or I was never close to the mood.  Eventually intimacy was only when she wanted something.

Then when our some was crossing the border from toddler to preschooler, about the same age as when her mother got involved with the abuser stepfather, she started looking at me sideways, trying to convince herself that the man she'd been married to and loved for over a decade was comparable to her stepfather.  That's when I faced the dilemma, do I continue being disparaged, attacked verbally and sometimes physically, or stand up for myself and protect myself and my parenting?

That's about the time I joined here in 2006, little did I know there were 8 years ahead in and out of family court, 2 in the divorce process and 6 in post-divorce court order adjustments before we finally had an order that worked and a measure of peace resumed.  Still, I had to always be careful I didn't say anything to trigger her outbursts.  Our child is grown now and lives with me.  But I bear scars.  I had been an elder in the congregation until the blow-up and I can't manage to do that again.  And I have chronic illness that was triggered during those stressful years.

It's hard to answer your second question.  BPD is a disorder that impacts close relationships the most.  And who are closer than spouses, or acting-out parents with helpless children?

Over time the dysfunction can shift into differing behaviors.  There are common patterns seen repeated here in our stories but they do vary from one person to the next.

One observation that is nearly universal is that the poor behaviors do get worse over time.  What helps is either (1) starting intensive and meaningful therapy applied diligently in the disordered person's life or (2) distancing from the other person which can include ending the adult relationship.

[JazzSinger]

.

One observation that is nearly universal is that the poor behaviors do get worse over time.  What helps is either (1) starting intensive and meaningful therapy applied diligently in the disordered person's life or (2) distancing from the other person which can include ending the adult relationship.

Indeed, his behavior has worsened over time.  He won’t get help, because he’s doing “fine.”  I’ve sought therapy a few times and was given some tools for handling his outbursts and insults.  They work sometimes, but nothing stops him. So, it’s exhausting.  Right now, I’m distancing myself as much as I can —  Movies, classes, lunch with friends, etc.   Very often, I can’t stand the sight of him, because he’s hurt me so much and so often, and then the next day, he’s fine.  It’s awful. I’m at the doorstep of divorce.

I thank you and everyone for all of the comments, support, and sharing. It really helps.

[Cat Familiar]

My current marriage started out hot and heavy and then pffft…nothing. At one point, he told me he didn’t “trust” me. WTF? I thought. We both came from marriages where we had been betrayed. I thought he was the love of my life and I had no thoughts of others.

Turned out the lack of trust was due to me complaining about his alcohol abuse. Truly there was a third party in the relationship, and it was alcohol. He chose that over me.

Our intimacy never rebounded. I was disgusted by how he behaved when drunk and he didn’t like me competing for attention with his beloved. I’m the same weight as I was in my teens, people say I look no different than I did 15 years ago, I still get a lot of looks. But he never again had any sexual interest in me, and I lost my attraction to him as well.

It’s really sad that pwBPD can’t enjoy what they have. They seem to have a need to F* it up.

[SinisterComplex]

Hi,
I’m married to a hwBPD.  I’ve posted before, but now I’m trying to understand why it took so long for me to realize my husband had a serious problem.  It’s been 20 years, but I finally realized he may have BPD just months ago. 

I’ve never admitted this to anyone, but I think, in the beginning, he withheld intimacy as a way of control, as well as to make me plead, so that he could feel more wanted.  At the time, I thought he was just tired a lot or that we were not compatible in that area, even though it was never a problem when we dated for two years.  I put up with it, because it wasn’t always the case 100% of the time.  Is this something that a pwB PD would do?

Eventually, he exhibited  problems handling stress, and  he’d have outbursts over seemingly nothing. Then the outbursts would devolve to insults and name calling.  Then came the gaslighting - Everything is my fault.  I have mood swings.  I have anger issues.  Then came extreme anger over the tiniest things.  That’s where we are now.  It’s awful. I cope because we’re retired and rely on each other’s income for survival.  So I try to build a life outside of our home with friends and activities I love.

I just want to know if withholding intimacy is something pwBPD would do. Also, does anyone think this was the beginning of his BPD behaviors on our marriage?

Thanks.

JS, don't be so hard on yourself. Are you a behavioral expert? Are you a professional? I'm assuming not. Anyway, the point is how could you know? Even people with human behavior backgrounds and education can be had. It is a sinister disorder indeed. So the point is cut yourself some slack. You were open to love and chose to take off the analytic hat and be vulnerable. That is ultimately why you probably did not see it. In essence, you're normal. S happens okay?

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[JazzSinger]

JS, don't be so hard on yourself. Are you a behavioral expert? Are you a professional? I'm assuming not. Anyway, the point is how could you know? Even people with human behavior backgrounds and education can be had. It is a sinister disorder indeed. So the point is cut yourself some slack. You were open to love and chose to take off the analytic hat and be vulnerable. That is ultimately why you probably did not see it. In essence, you're normal. S happens okay?

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

Thank you so much for your kind words, SC. I never looked at it that way.  I guess the least I should do is lighten up on myself. He’s behavior is  a heavy load on its own. I believe you — I’m normal. 

Best wishes to you!

[StartingHealing]

JazzSinger,

If I may, I'll relate some of my experiences. 

I'm no longer married to the exwBPD. 

As far as intimacy goes, it started great! (Love bombing) then over time, it started going down hill.  There had to be immediate cleanup when we were intimate, or things would be going good and then the complaints would start when just 20 minutes before, her back didn't hurt, there wasn't any headache, etc.  I'm a healthy guy but it got to a point where after being rejected repeatedly, and then when we would be intimate it felt like I was just a tool for her pleasure, I started backing off. 

Then there was the big over the top displays of how much she wanted to, and yet turned into another one of her self directed movies and I was the bit player that should know her script. (mind reading)

add in that everything was my fault according to her.  It didn't matter how many times she got the big O, the next day or two, suddenly she didn't achieve anything.  More gaslighting. 

This was all a control thing.  Part of her pathology. 

I wish you peace. 

[livednlearned]

I’m trying to understand why it took so long for me to realize my husband had a serious problem.  It’s been 20 years, but I finally realized he may have BPD just months ago.

It's possible there was a familiar feeling there, masking the abuse without making sense of it.

Why you became aware now is probably a thread worth pulling.

Is there anything in your husband's treatment of you that feels familiar from growing up?