Thoughts of Possible Suicide Driving Me Crazy

[Sammy Jo]

We very recently went no contact with our 21-year-old BPD DD. We had her arrested for criminal trespass. She can call us but not come to the house. She has finished two years of college but this semester we pulled her out because she was suicidal. She spiraled so much and refuses help and is absolutely verbally abusive and sometimes physical. I've blocked her on my phone to stop the barrage of texts and calls.

But my heart hurts so much when she doesn't call my husband or I start thinking she may have killed herself. Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this issue?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[AcheyMom]

I can relate so much.  I have worried about this for nearly 20 years now.  My daughter is 33.  She also engages in risky behaviour and self medicates with drugs and alcohol.  So I have been on edge waiting for the dreaded call for a long, long time.  I don’t really have a solution.  The situation is heart wrenching. I will say that I’ve wasted a lot of my time and energy worrying only to find out later than she’s absolutely fine, hanging out with friends without a care in the world.  My younger daughter will remind me of that when I get really stressed after stepping back.  But we just never know.  It’s an awful feeling.  Recently I just told myself that I can’t go on being held hostage by fear my whole life.  I know my daughter has used fear like this to control me in the past.  I’m 12 years further down the road than you though.  Hopefully someone will have some more advice.  Sending love your way ❤️

[Leaf56]

Yeah, after I realized my son was holding me hostage with this I worked hard on letting go and accepting the idea of whatever happens happens. He's been saying he's suicidal since he was 15. He's never attempted. Recently he told me that he's actually never been suicidal and that he doesn't have the courage to go through with it. He's begged me to "have him euthanized" many times. When he says that or says he wants to die I tell him the conversation is over or that yes, I know, and change the topic. He says it to remind me how awful he feels all the time. I always tell him that there's no need to remind me because I know.

[Sammy Jo]

Achey Mom,

Thank you. It is unbearable, but it is also bondage. Even last night I was dreaming I heard the phone ringing and woke my husband up. I am really going to work on trying to release myself like you said.

I'm also curious about your younger daughter. Ours is 19 years old and I feel like her whole life has been lived around the attention (negative and positive her sister receives). There is a book about it called The Glass Children.

[Sammy Jo]

Leaf - Interesting that your son should say he has never really been suicidal. Our 21 yo BPD tells us all the time she is suicidal, but she is afraid to hurt herself. Therein lies the crux for me - what if I'm wrong? But what you said resonated with me - do they just say this to reiterate their own pain?

[wendydarling]

Hi Sammy Jo 

I've been there, it's terrifying and debilitating. I remember standing in my lounge all alone, just standing there frozen. What helped me was Radical Acceptance - here is a link to a workshop from the library that references Tara Brache - it was one of the first books I read after DD's diagnosis and joining the forum in 2016.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0

I accepted should my DD suicide it was out of my control despite all my efforts at the time, we were in crisis. She was in unbearable pain.This was when my DD hit crisis at 26 and was diagnosed. I'd never heard of BPD, I learnt so much through the resources and wonderful member support.

WDx

[Leaf56]

SammyJo, I believe they do, which of course does not mean they won't do it. There's no way of knowing, but you can't bubble wrap them, especially once they're adults. Let them live their lives and stop listening to/being held hostage by the suicide threats. If nothing else, just tell them every single time they say it you're calling 911.

[Tbbeach]

Wow, to read these and see that others are living this emotional nightmare too is just ? Amazing no, sad, yes. No one can really know what it’s like to have your adult child tell you multiple times they just don’t want to be alive. Has anyone come through on the other side though? I guess they probably wouldn’t be on the forum but we recently just realized BPD is what he’s suffering from. Can we help him see this is the question? Is there any Hope other than just cutting him out of our lives? He has no job ..we kicked him out and he lived in his car for a while. Ugh the pain of that for me. He’s in South America now because he can live cheaply there but will be coming back to the US, then what?

[Leaf56]

I have come to the conclusion that hope is poison. I just live my life and wish him the best, but I'm no longer responsible for him in any way. He's 27, almost got his masters, never worked anything but a minimum wage job, hasn't worked for 2 years, smokes weed daily, lives in his dad's rooming house, gets this poor woman he's in a relationship with to pay for many things, do his laundry, fill out paperwork, etc. I occasionally talk to him on the phone. He's being very pleasant right now, telling me how much he loves me and misses me, but we've been down this road before. Every time I've had hope before I felt much worse when he reverted. If he ever is consistent for say a few years then maybe. Everyone here has a different definition of "getting better" so the question is basically meaningless.

[Sammy Jo]

Wow, to read these and see that others are living this emotional nightmare too is just ? Amazing no, sad, yes. No one can really know what it’s like to have your adult child tell you multiple times they just don’t want to be alive.

TBbeach,

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I honestly believe that our BPD children do wish they had never been born, which hurts our Mom hearts so much. No matter how hurt, angry, or frustrated we are by their behavior, those memories of them as babies and innocent young children remain. But like many others here, I agree that it seems every time we let them back in, we just get hurt. They hurt us because we are the ones closest to them. In the same way, we always felt comfortable being mean to our Moms growing up, but in an entirely different way. Currently, I have no contact with my 21-year-old BPD daughter. We are not financially supporting her and hoping she will finish her last two years of college. We decided that for right now my husband would keep the lines of communication open with her, but not the wallet. I just can't do it. While I still hurt and worry, the peace I feel by not having my phone ring 25 times in a row, or seeing 20 Venmo requests or 20 emails that say the same thing over and over is worth it. Right now, enjoy the peace you have and have a plan prepared for when he returns. Plan to be strong with whatever you decide. If you don't, he will rinse and repeat.

[kells76]

Currently, I have no contact with my 21-year-old BPD daughter. We are not financially supporting her and hoping she will finish her last two years of college. We decided that for right now my husband would keep the lines of communication open with her, but not the wallet. I just can't do it. While I still hurt and worry, the peace I feel by not having my phone ring 25 times in a row, or seeing 20 Venmo requests or 20 emails that say the same thing over and over is worth it. Right now, enjoy the peace you have and have a plan prepared for when he returns. Plan to be strong with whatever you decide. If you don't, he will rinse and repeat.

Thanks for the update on where you and your family are at. I'm glad you and your H can have a united front with your D21 with this new plan, and that your H is supportive of you stepping back from contact with her for now.

It'll be interesting to see how your D21 responds to this change. Like you said -- if you waver, things will probably just go back to how they were, and that wasn't sustainable for you.

It's also interesting thinking about your D21's situation in this context:

Everyone here has a different definition of "getting better"

There have been discussions here in the past about "what does success look like", and I think the answer is generally "it depends". For some families, success is when their child is "only" doing pot instead of hard drugs; for others, it's that their child is alive for one more day. Maybe part of success for your D21 is what you mentioned in your first post -- she is allowed to call you but is not allowed live at home, so her success might be living on a friend's couch and calling your H now and then. BPD can be very impairing and so adjusting expectations of success can go with the territory.

...

Now that you and your H are trying this new plan, how has D21 responded so far?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sammy Jo]

Now that you and your H are trying this new plan, how has D21 responded so far?
[/quote]

kells76 - thank you for caring to ask My H maintains contact since a) we just implemented NC, b) she is just 21 and we're hoping to get her back on the college or career path, and c) we are praying that she will agree to residential treatment again. She asked him to ask me to unblock her on phone and email. I won't for the foreseeable future b/c I have peace for the first time in a long time. If I need to know something important, H will tell me. If it gets to the point where he needs to hand the baton to me for a respite, then I will take it up or not. She is slowly realizing that we are not going to give her gas money or rent. After we cut off the hotel we had put her up at, she found a place to live and is now working on finding a job. If she doesn't we told her that MUST Ministries has a 30-day women's shelter. That would be heartbreaking, but I am committed now to staying the course.

[kells76]

After we cut off the hotel we had put her up at, she found a place to live and is now working on finding a job. If she doesn't we told her that MUST Ministries has a 30-day women's shelter. That would be heartbreaking, but I am committed now to staying the course.

As difficult as this situation is, it's good to hear that she seems functional enough to find living space and then to jobhunt. Handing those decisions back to her makes sense, as she is an adult, and it can actually be a loving thing to do to let your adult child know -- we are not doing X any more, you are welcome to choose for yourself either Y or Z. Right now she is choosing finding her own living space, and you have shared with her an available option (the shelter) if things change.

Being committed to staying the course might communicate to her -- Mom doesn't get blown around by stuff, Mom stays steady and reliable (even if I don't like it), if Mom says ABC then ABC is happening. Hopefully again, that can be a loving thing for her, to know that even if she says she hates it, she can count on you to do what you say.

Will be interested to hear if she takes you up on the residential offer -- keep us posted;

kells76