Is there a way to let a pwBPD know they’re hurting you?

[JazzSinger]

Hi,
My hwBPD often criticizes me during his outbursts.  Afterwards, he either denies the episode or turns it around, saying I’m the one who is angry, unstable, etc.  It’s as if he’s unaware that he’s tearing our relationship apart. 

Is there no way to get through to a pwBPD? He doesn’t even respond rationally during calmer times.  He just doesn’t want to talk about it.  He starts making jokes or just making me the bad guy.  It’s infuriating. 

I can’t live a pretend life in my own house.  Even though I’m dependent on his income (we’re both retired), I’m thinking I need to figure out a way to get out.  It may just be too difficult to live out my golden years with him. 

I try not to absorb his negativity, but it’s not working very well.

Do they ever admit they’re wrong?

[ForeverDad]

Speaking in an expansive generic way, "Do they ever admit they’re wrong?" ... Sometimes, briefly but not in a healthy or lasting way.  For that they'd need to respond to intensive therapy over years and diligently apply that therapy in their perceptions, behaviors and life.  Dialectical or Cognitive Behavior Therapy (DBT or CBT) is highly advised.

But, as the saying goes, though you can lead a horse to water, you can't make it drink.

As for me, I did what I had to do, both to protect myself as well as to preserve my parenting.  I didn't want the end of the relationship but she left me no other choice.  By the end of the divorce I had clocked in 18 years.  What a sad end.  I sometimes say, it is what it is.

Life is about choices.  Yes, even inaction is also a choice, a choice to let it all continue as it has in the past.

So sad, many arrive here soon after hearing about Borderline PD as a possible cause.  If only we had been informed sooner or had put the clues together sooner...  (In my case, all the counselors, therapists, lawyers, magistrates, etc, they all danced around what the real problem might have been, no one would name it.  If not for a male voice manning a hospital telephone line on Sunday when I was so very desperate for any clues... "It sounds like it might be a personality dysfunction.")

[engiebpd]

We went to a marriage counselor for over 2 years.   In a private session, the marriage counselor recommended that I read the book "how to not walk on eggshells".  It's a book about bpd.   But she refused to say that she was bpd but towards the end if our relationship, she made a bipolar diagnoses

[JazzSinger]

I’ve just discovered how to respond to those who have replied to my posts.

We went to a marriage counselor for over 2 years.   In a private session, the marriage counselor recommended that I read the book "how to not walk on eggshells".  It's a book about bpd.   But she refused to say that she was bpd but towards the end if our relationship, she made a bipolar diagnoses

I too read the book  on not walking on eggshells. Sadly, it didn’t help much, because for me, it didn’t fully explain the depth and breadth of BPD. Later, I read, “The Verbally Abusive Relationship,” and was shocked by its content. It fully explained my dilemma, and gave me a window into BPD.  That’s what led me to this website.  Prior to reading that book, I thought my husband was bipolar. 

Now, I’m happy to be able to vent here, but I think my marriage is not sustainable.  He thinks we’re doing fine.  There’s no telling him that he’s hurting me, because everything is my fault., even if HE’s hurting MY feelings. 

I think I have to find a way to leave.  I’m just not ready yet. Financially, it will be tough. But I’ll figure it out.

Thanks.

[JazzSinger]

Life is about choices.  Yes, even inaction is also a choice, a choice to let it all continue as it has in the past

I think, for now, I’m choosing to stay, although it’s painful most days.  I need to figure out how to split up with him, without him blowing up like a volcano, among other things. And I will need alimony.  I’ll figure it out.  I’m thinking I’d rather spend my golden years in peace, rather than with a man who’s happy to make my life a living hell, at the drop of a hat. If m being honest with myself, our marriage is no longer sustainable.

[Cat Familiar]

A lot of people here have found good counsel in the book Splitting https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=47078.0

If you are considering divorce, talk to a few attorneys. Often these initial visits are low cost or free in some places. And the upside is, if you talk to the most aggressive litigators in your area, your husband will be unable to employ them in the future.

If you choose to proceed, start getting all your ducks in a row: financial, paperwork, precious mementos, etc. And do it discretely so you don’t raise red flags.

[JazzSinger]

A lot of people here have found good counsel in the book Splitting https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=47078.0

If you are considering divorce, talk to a few attorneys. Often these initial visits are low cost or free in some places. And the upside is, if you talk to the most aggressive litigators in your area, your husband will be unable to employ them in the future.

If you choose to proceed, start getting all your ducks in a row: financial, paperwork, precious mementos, etc. And do it discretely so you don’t raise red flags.

Thanks so much. This is very sound and helpful advice.