Co-parenting with uBPD partner

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Hello all!

Thanks so much for this forum.  This has really been a life line for me.

I recently had an experience that I wanted to ask about.  My step son has a behavior he does, mostly with me and mostly when we are all trying to get ready for bed, that we have talked about as a family and agreed is inappropriate.  Last night he trotted out this behavior again.  I was just washing dishes trying to get the family to bed.  When it happened he ran off and I tried to follow and ask him about what had happened.  My partner heard what was going on and called for him to come talk to her.  She reminded him that he wasn't to do this again and that she'd need to enforce an agreed upon punishment.

Later that evening as we were trying to get to bed, she asked me what happened.  I started to explain but she kept interrupting me.  I pointed it out and she let me finish my description of what happened.  She then started blaming me for what happened saying that I'm "not a parent" and that I have no interest in his development.  She also said that I don't accept that parents can do things that lead to bad behaviors in children.  She said that she doesn't like to have to discipline him and strain their relationship because I can't stop "getting into it" with him.

I've been with these two for long enough to know that sometimes a parent's reaction to child behavior can lead to more of the same.  I've experienced that first hand.  But that didn't happen in this case.

I feel like she's blaming me for her son's behavior and the impact to their relationship.  Not sure how to handle this situation.

[usagi]

Hello all!

Thanks so much for this forum.  This has really been a life line for me.

I recently had an experience that I wanted to ask about.  My step son has a behavior he does, mostly with me and mostly when we are all trying to get ready for bed, that we have talked about as a family and agreed is inappropriate.  Last night he trotted out this behavior again.  I was just washing dishes trying to get the family to bed.  When it happened he ran off and I tried to follow and ask him about what had happened.  My partner heard what was going on and called for him to come talk to her.  She reminded him that he wasn't to do this again and that she'd need to enforce an agreed upon punishment.

Later that evening as we were trying to get to bed, she asked me what happened.  I started to explain but she kept interrupting me.  I pointed it out and she let me finish my description of what happened.  She then started blaming me for what happened saying that I'm "not a parent" and that I have no interest in his development.  She also said that I don't accept that parents can do things that lead to bad behaviors in children.  She said that she doesn't like to have to discipline him and strain their relationship because I can't stop "getting into it" with him.

I've been with these two for long enough to know that sometimes a parent's reaction to child behavior can lead to more of the same.  I've experienced that first hand.  But that didn't happen in this case.

I feel like she's blaming me for her son's behavior and the impact to their relationship.  Not sure how to handle this situation.

[JoeBPD81]

Hi, I'm sorry you didn't have answers before. Most of us are lost, so we don't believe we can say something meaninful.

Being a step-dad is hard. You're gonna be caught up between 2 forces again and again. I wish I had the solution. I've lived what you describe hundreds of times, and I'm blamed for lies the kids make up. It's good that you talked it out in private, not in front of the kid.

Hopefully, the more you know their dynamics the more you will know when it's ok to act. I hope you find your ground.